The Vampiress With Amnesia- Coming Soon To An Amazon Near You

April 29, 2016 at 5:10 pm (books, News, Personal essays) (, , , , , )

The Vampiress With Amnesia – Coming Soon To An Amazon Near You

This it turns out will be my 1000th blog post on WordPress.

And so in effect this post is a milestone.

So I will talk about some of the milestones going on in my life at the moment.

In the next couple of weeks, I hope to have my 1st vampire novel uploaded and published to Amazon and ready for sale.

The name of my 1st vampire novel (which was written between April 2009 and July 2010) is The Vampiress With Amnesia.

The Vampiress With Amnesia is the first book in a vampire septology (series of 7 vampire novels) that I’m writing called The Vampire Hunter Samurai Chronicles.

I’m currently in the middle of writing the 5th book in the series – so at this point in time The Vampire Hunter Samurai Chronicles is a pentalogy but I’m hoping to make it a septology.

The other thing going on in my life at the moment is I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page.

As many of my close friends here at WordPress know, I’ve been diligently searching for a job for over 15 months now since January 2015 and so far none of the places where I have applied have hired me.

Most haven’t even given me callbacks.

So in lieu of the impending financial crisis going on in my life, I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page to help me pay for rent and food until such time as I’ve managed to land a job.

Here’s the link to my Go Fund Me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/2s99rkmc

In terms of other milestones in my life, I published my 1st book back in January of this year a Sherlock Holmes fan fiction entitled The Giant Rat of Sumatra.

The paperback edition of my book can be purchased here:

https://www.createspace.com/6025724

The Kindle digital e-book edition can be purchased here:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B1W526W

I have also earlier this week set up an author page on Amazon.

I’ve been trying since January to find out where exactly on the Amazon web site authors can go to set up an author page for themselves.

Then last week I got my monthly email newsletter from Createspace (the division of Amazon that prints up paperback editions of books) for this month of April and they had a link to an article by a writer showing the links one uses to create an author page on Amazon.

So now I have an author page on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Christopher-Milner/e/B01EUR8ILG

As I have mentioned, my first vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia should be published and available for sale on Amazon during the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, my friend Daniel aka Hyperion Sturm is giving the readers on his blog a sneak peek of my vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia by publishing on his blog the first 5 to 6 chapters of The Vampiress With Amnesia over the next few weeks.

Here’s Chapter 1 of The Vampiress With Amnesia here:

https://hyperionsturm.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/dracul-van-helsing/

Here’s Chapter 2 of The Vampiress With Amnesia here:

https://hyperionsturm.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/the-vampiress-with-amnesia-chapter-2/

So 1000 blog posts here at WordPress.

I believe I started publishing here back around 2006 or 2007.

I did not publish much here in those days as Journalspace and later Xanga were my primary blogging sites.

Now with the passing of Journalspace and Xanga into cyberspace oblivion, WordPress has become my primary blogging site.

It’s also probably become the first blogging site where I’ve managed to reach the milestone of 1000 posts.

-Christopher Milner
aka Dracul Van Helsing
Friday April 29th 2016

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Limerick Sung By Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

April 28, 2016 at 8:16 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Entertainment, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Limerick Sung By Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

I took my puppy dogs to Australia
where I encountered an Agriculture Minister without genitalia
He told me my dogs did not have the proper ID
so one of them raised a hind leg and took on said minister a pee
now I’m forced to make a video looking like an endorsing Trump Chris Christie.

-A limerick sung by Captain Jack Sparrow

from a poem written by Christopher
Thursday April 28th 2016.

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Renfield’s Mysterious Client

April 25, 2016 at 7:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield’s Mysterious Client

As Amadeus Emanon ate his 33rd apple turnover and pondered an invitation from a friend to join the Freemasons, Renfield R. Renfield was eating a tuna fish sandwich.

“It looks like we may have to replace the weigh scale in the bathroom,” Amadeus stated.

“Why’s that?” Renfield asked.

“For some reason it broke when I stepped on it this morning,” Amadeus licked the icing off his fingers.

“That is strange,” Renfield picked up his copy of The Times of London and started reading about a mysterious new elephant appearing on the streets of London and yet there were no reports of an escape from the London Zoo.

“So I hear someone has hired you to do a hit job,” Amadeus opened his box of 3 dozen chocolate eclairs from the bakery.

“That’s right,” Renfield grinned, “I’m to track down the person or persons responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.”

“Who hired you?” Amadeus was starting to wonder why his belt was feeling so tight this evening.

“I’m sorry,” Renfield shook his head, “Under the terms of client/assassin confidentiality and privilege, I’m not allowed to reveal that information to you.”

“Oh,” Amadeus started licking the chocolate off his fingers.

“So I hear you’ve got a date with Dulcinea Lucia to go see a stage magician later this week,” Renfield said as a large chip and green monster appeared on his shoulder.

“That’s right,” Amadeus used a napkin to wipe the chocolate off his chin.

“So how come that sexy gypsy fortune teller always goes on dates with you but never with me?” Renfield’s face started turning as green as the grass at the height of spring.

“She says that you’re a hypersexualized serial adulterer,” Amadeus answered.

“Really?” Renfield was shocked, “I remember a few years ago some woman on my Facebook page accused me of being a hypersexualized serial adulterer.”

“Well, there you go,” Amadeus took a sip of chocolate milk.

“I wonder if there’s any truth to that,” Renfield pondered the question.

“No idea,” Amadeus shrugged.

Renfield went over to the living room bookshelf and took out the volume called Sigmund Freud’s Posthumously Written Dictionary of Post-Modern Psychiatric Conditions and looked up the term Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer and noticed his (Renfield’s) own photo alongside the definition of the term.

“Find it?” Amadeus inquired.

“Yes,” Renfield angrily sat down at the living room table and pouted.

“I wonder what the name of that magician is that Dulcinea Lucia wants me to see,” Amadeus finished his 36th chocolate eclair.

“No fucking idea,” Renfield fumed.

“Excuse me, sir,” Athelstan the butler and valet entered the living room and spoke to Renfield, “but there’s a call for you from 10 Downing Street on the secure phone line in the study.”

“Oh,” Renfield ran with great haste to the study.

“Hm,” Amadeus reached for his bucket of KFC as he was growing tired of having eaten nothing but sweets all day, “I wonder what 10 Downing Street is calling Renfield about.”

One of the world’s great mysteries.

Like how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar Amadeus thought to himself as he eyed the Caramilk chocolate bar Renfield had left behind on the table.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 25th
2016.

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Haiku On The 400th Anniversary of Shakespeare’s Death

April 23, 2016 at 7:38 pm (Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, History, Inspiration, Literature, News, Plays, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku On The 400th Anniversary of Shakespeare’s Death

Save in this man’s case
the good he did still lives on
not interred with bones

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A Day In The Life of Set Enterprises Employees

April 22, 2016 at 7:28 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

A Day In The Life of Set Enterprises Employees

Down in the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his aquarium where he was receiving a radio transmission from the future on his lobster antennae…

BBC World News Bulletin From The Future: And this news story from the world of Entertainment, film maker Martin Scorsese is teaming up with the creators of Monty Python to make a sequel to the film Life of Brian which will be called The Last Temptation of Brian…

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield was in the office of a powerful and highly influential British subject who was hiring him to locate and track down those responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.

. . .

Amadeus Emanon had been hired as a pianist to play at a birthday party for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II on her 90th Birthday.

As one of the valets at the Royal birthday party wondered where the huge plate of raspberry jellied doughnuts had gone, he never thought of looking on top of the piano where they were located as Amadeus played and sang the lyrics of Prince’s song, “She wore raspberry beret…”

. . .

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was giving a guest speech on The Importance of Science In Education to a conference of teachers in Philadelphia, U.S.A.

Dr. Rocher: Back in the 1950s, traditional educators were warning that if “John Dewey’s ideas of so-called Progressive education were implemented into American classrooms on a massive scale, this would result in the dumbing down of America on a massive scale.”

(Dr. Cadbury Rocher took off his glasses and wiped them)

Dr. Rocher: Whether the traditional educators of the 1950s were right or whether John Dewey and his progressive ideas were right, we can tell by observing the world around us today.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked around the auditorium as 90% of the audience were on their smart phones text messaging about their most recent bowel movements or menstrual periods or sharing nude photos of themselves or sharing photos of cats or weighing in on the latest new hot topic in social networking which was, “Is it cruel and insensitive to take one’s goldfish into the bathtub with you when you’re having a bath?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 21st
2016.

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Haiku About Prince The Singer R.I.P.

April 21, 2016 at 7:48 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Music, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Prince The Singer R.I.P.

Sky- Purple rain falls
Heavens weep tears over death
of a great artist

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In Praise of An Imaginary Friend: Jack O’ Hare A Character In My Writing

April 20, 2016 at 7:23 pm (Poetry) (, )

In Praise of An Imaginary Friend:
Jack O’ Hare A Character In My Writing

Reading about lands of magic
that deliver us from the tragic
Economies fail
Windstorms gale
Trouble trouble everywhere
into the dawn steps a magic hare
Jack is his name of Irish descent
into his Guinness his carrot went
He likes a beer and veggies too
through the gate he does hop through

Jack O’ Hare is his name
To hop and hop is his game
He had many an adventure here and there
laughed at kings and queens in their underwear
Sailed with pirates on the Seven Seas
even ate macaroni and cheese
Slew a mighty dragon
even drove a covered wagon
along trails of the Old West
seeking land that was the best

He is indeed the noblest hare of them all
having even sipped champagne with De Gaulle
He even bit Adolf Hitler in the rear
as Der Furher bent to examine some Bavarian beer.

Villains he has fought
Big floppy ears has he got
He’s listened to many a tale
and spotted at sea many a whale

Jack is a hero
Jack is my friend
Of his many exploits
there is no end.

-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday April 20th 2016.

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Renfield’s Proposal For Ending Public Washroom Discrimination

April 19, 2016 at 7:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield’s Proposal For Ending Public Washroom Discrimination

Amadeus Emanon was watching CNN where Anderson Cooper was interviewing Renfield R. Renfield about his campaign for the U.S. Presidency.

Anderson: And we’re here with Mr. Renfield R. Renfield… British born… or I should say… British genetically created… candidate for the U.S. Presidency… who’s willing to accept the nomination of either party… or both parties… to become President… who currently stands at 0.0% in the polls… has 0.0% of the delegates in either Party… but still believes he stands an excellent chance of becoming America’s next President… we’ll be back right after these messages.

Amadeus went to the refrigerator to get himself some more milk and cookies.

He got back to the living room just as the last commercial was ending.

Voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Crap From Kim Kardashian’s Excessively Large Booty… download for free from the App Store.

Anderson Cooper: And we’re back. Now, Mr. Renfield, one of the emerging issues in this campaign is the fact that members of the LGBT community feel discriminated against by being forced to use public washrooms for the sex or gender that Nature cruelly assigned them at birth. Several states have passed legislation saying that people must go into public washrooms for the sex or gender that they were born with… Mr. Renfield, where do you stand on this important civil rights issue?

Renfield (grinning) : Well if I was elected President, one of my first acts would be to sign an Executive Order banning all public washrooms.
If there are no washrooms in public, no one would feel discriminated against.

(Anderson Cooper is silent for a whole minute)

Anderson (finally speaking) : I don’t recall any of the other candidates running for President… not even Donald Trump… coming up with such an idea.

Renfield (grinning even more): That’s because Donald Trump is a divider not a uniter. He divides people. I’m a uniter. I unite people. When I’m elected President, the American people will be united and as one in not being able to find a washroom in a public place. That way no one will feel discriminated against.

Meanwhile down at the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was freaking out in his aquarium over a vision he was having of a Renfield Presidency in America.

CNN News Bulletin From The Future: The streets of New York City were running red with blood today as millions of people were fighting a quite literal Game of Thrones battle to find a throne somewhere in the city to relieve themselves…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 19th
2016.

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Solomon and The Temple of Baal At Palmyra

April 18, 2016 at 8:05 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Solomon and The Temple of Baal At Palmyra

“And Solomon built Tadmor in the wilderness, and all the store cities, which he built in Hamath.”

-II Chronicles 8:4

“When he (Solomon) had therefore built this city, and encompassed it with very strong walls, he gave it the name Tadmor; and that is the name it is still called by at this day among the Syrians; but the Greeks name it Palmyra.”

-Josephus, Antiquities of The Jews Book VIII, 6:1

“Palmyra was in ancient times an important city of central Syria, located in an oasis 215 kilometers northeast of Damascus and 120 kilometers southwest of the Euphrates. It has long been a vital caravan city for travelers crossing the Syrian desert and was known as the Bride of the Desert. The Greek name for the city Palmyra is a translation of its original Aramaic name Tadmor which means “palm tree”. Tadmor is today the name of a small city next to the ancient ruins of Palmyra and is heavily dependent on tourism. The ancient site of Palmyra is itself an UNESCO World Heritage Site.”

-Tourist Brochure About Palmyra, Syria prior to the outbreak of the Syrian Civil War in 2011.

King Solomon stood and surveyed the city that he was building- the city of Tadmor (the city that would later be called by the Greeks Palmyra).

Night was approaching.

A full moon was rising.

A beautiful dark-haired dark skinned and dark eyed woman approached him.

She was wearing a beautiful purple evening dress- slit at the sides and low-cut at the front.

A necklace of diamonds cut in the shape and form of human skulls hung around her neck.

“Thou art Solomon the wisest of the wise?” She asked as she stood before him.

“I am,” Solomon answered.

“I am Allatallahbel the Priestess of Baal,” she curtsied in front of him making sure he caught a glimpse of her ample and succulent breasts.

“What can I do for you, Allatallahbel?” Solomon shifted uncomfortably in his robes.

“I wish you to build in this city a temple to Baal that’s as splendid as your Temple to your god Yahweh in your city of Jerusalem,” she answered.

“Well,” he answered, “why should I do that?”.

“This night, I shall give you six hundred and sixty-six good reasons why you should do that,” she approached and rubbed her thigh against his.

“Six hundred and sixty-six eh?” Solomon breathed deeply, “that’s a lot of reasons.”

The next morning after Allatallahbel had given Solomon her 666 reasons, she stroked his head in her arms, “Art thou convinced?”.

“I am,” Solomon had to agree.

“Any other woman give you so many reasons to do something?” Allatallahbel laughed.

“One,” Solomon answered.

“Really?” Allatallahbel became jealous, “who?”.

“Her name was Isis,” Solomon recalled, “she was the wife of the architect Hiram Abiff who helped build my Temple.”

(For more on Isis and who Hiram Abiff really was, please read:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2011/03/06/isis-and-solomon/

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/01/31/osiris-in-rome/

)

“I see,” Allatallahbel stared angrily at the morning sunrise.

“Art thou angry?” Solomon kissed her on the lips, “let me show you my master mason’s tool again. That should make you happy.”

“You say her name is Isis?” Allatallahbel ate some lobster which she gave to Solomon and he likewise did eat even though it was forbidden him as an Israelite to do so.

“Yes,” Solomon nodded.

After she had eaten the lobster meat, Allatallahbel stood and showed her magnificent nude form and then spake and prophesied, “This magnificent Temple to Baal that you shall build in this city, o Solomon, one day replicas to it shall be built in cities all over the world and then Baal shall come.”

“Really?” Solomon rubbed what he felt was an itchy invisible third eye in his forehead.

“Yes, and it will all be due to…” Allatallahbel laughed.

“Due to who?” Solomon asked.

“Due to ISIS,” Allatallahbel laughed like the demons of Hell, “Thou evil woman, who darest to trespass on what should have been mine, thy name shall be as mud and darkened and vilified.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 18th
2016.

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Lizards and Wizards: A Poem

April 15, 2016 at 7:08 pm (Horror, Mystery/horror, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Lizards and Wizards: A Poem

It was a land where giant tulip bulbs grew
that grew in soil blood drenched through and through
The bulbs blood red in colour
like the soil that bled the Earth-Mother
And eating the bulbs were huge flamingoes
not pink like on your lawn goes
but blood red like the seed of human sacrifice
when all other oblations no longer suffice

And rising rising from the blood soaked ground
in a huge puff of red tinged smoke that twirled round and round
arose a wild-haired wild eyed looking wizard
who in a test tube carried a small red lizard
He lifted up high his feathered wand
in the clouds emerged a land beyond
With his left hand he lifted high his trusted wand
and with his right, emptied the test tube like a martini shaker for Bond
The lizard then fell to the earth beneath
an infernal inheritance to bequeath
The lizard grew into a huge red dragon
one possibly stolen from Hades’ wagon
The dragon then sprouted wings
like Pegasus at Pierian Springs
And flew into the land that lay beyond the clouds
A land soon to be covered by death’s dark shrouds.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 14th 2016.

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