Pan Goatee and The Feathered Serpent

April 5, 2016 at 8:51 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and The Winged Serpent

Pan Goatee was busy cutting off the heads of ugly women who were out walking their dogs (the four-legged kind) the past few nights.

“I’ve never seen so many dogs out walking their dogs,” Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped off repulsive looking heads left, right and center.

He lopped off the head of one ugly looking woman who thought she could actually race him across the street at a stop light.

And then lopped off the head of another ugly looking woman who tried to enter his favourite oyster and sushi bar before him.

As he sat enjoying eating his oysters and thinking about the beautiful Aphrodite possibly emerging from one of his oyster shells, he got a call on his Samsung Galaxy S7 Smart Phone.

It came from a wealthy Neo-Nazi sympathizing German industrialist and arms manufacturer who was backing Donald Trump’s race for the U.S. Presidency.

It had come to the industrialist’s attention that the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl and his goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec were trying to forge an alliance with Mitt Romney to stop Trump winning the Republican Party Presidential nomination.

A CIA agent (who surprisingly was pro-Bernie Sanders) was going to serve as go-between for a proposed Phoenix, Arizona summit meeting between the 3.

The agent whose name was actually Johnny Begood would apparently be playing the part of a masked Saquasohuh (Blue Star) Kachina dancer in a ritual ceremony in the plaza of a Hopi Indian village in northeastern Arizona tonight.

The industrialist asked Pan Goatee if he wouldn’t mind astral projecting to this village and bumping off the said pro-Bernie Sanders CIA agent.

Pan Goatee said “yes for a fee of one million Euros” to which the German industrialist agreed.

The money would be wired to Pan Goatee’s British Virgin Islands offshore account.

As Pan Goatee put his smart phone back in his pocket, he breathed a sigh of relief that he decided to use the British Virgin Islands for his offshore bank accounts rather than Panama in lieu of the leaking of the Panama Papers at Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca.

Pan Goatee then astral projected to the said village at the Hopi reservation in northeastern Arizona.

He noticed the man wearing the Saquasohuh Blue Star Kachina bird costume (though he hadn’t put on his bird’s head mask yet) and deduced this must be CIA agent Johnny Begood.

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the man with his machete.

At that moment a beautiful (which was a good thing for her being in the presence of Pan Goatee) Hopi girl (about 19) who was going to play the role of tribal princess in tonight’s ceremony walked into the room and said, “Why did you do that? He was supposed to dance for our ceremony tonight and now we have no one.”

“I think this costume would fit me,” Pan Goatee said looking down at Begood’s body, “I could put it on and do the dance.”

“All right,” said the Hopi princess looking at her watch, “Hurry up and put it on. We just have half an hour. It will take 5 minutes for you to get the costume on and then another 25 minutes for me to teach you the dance- assuming you’re a quick learner.”

“I’m a quick learner,” Pan Goatee flashed a smile which was whiter than usual since he had started using an ultra-bright whitening toothpaste a week ago.

So Pan Goatee put the costume on and then learned the dance and then went out into the plaza of the village where he did the dance.

He was starting to feel extremely hot under the mask (having put a little too much Tabasco sauce on his oysters) so he took off the mask.

The Hopi elders noticed a CNN news crew and a Fox News crew and a BBC News crew there filming the ceremony.

“Oh my God,” one of the elders cried, “a Kachina has removed his mask in the presence of the uninitiated.”

“This means the beginning of the Apocalypse,” another elder shouted.

Anderson Cooper gulped as he looked at the live feed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 5th



  1. sarejessian said,

    Reblogged this on The Sarejessian and commented:
    Another great writer my pal Chris don’t give his blog a miss one of the yetbto be discovered writer’s of the century and a true gent.

  2. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    My poor Anderson! πŸ˜‰
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

  3. anaatcalin said,

    Dear Chris, your writing is not only exceptionally good, but the content is also very valuable. I love the references to the “real world” and how well you portray the “sharks” of our time. I really think your writings should make it on the syllabus in schools no later in fifteen years’ time. I’ve never seen anyone in need of virtually NO editing at all. They say there aren’t such people. I say there is one: Chris Milner. Love it! πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Ana. πŸ™‚

      That is the supreme compliment for a writer.

      To say one’s writing is in need of no editing at all.

      Thanks very much. πŸ™‚

  4. ѕнєяяιє βˆ‚Ρ” ναℓєяια said,

    LOL hahahaha … Love the ending of which is hilarious and not the way I expected.

    Pan Goatee is just as mad as Renfield, but I do admit that Renfield is easier to read. Where else Pan Goatee is kind of mysterious in his own way. And he hates ugly people! πŸ˜€

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Hillary Clinton better not walk into the same room as Pan Goatee- or else her Presidential campaign will come to a sudden and dramatic end.

      Trump (as Hillary’s head rolls off stage in the middle of the Presidential debate) : Heads, you lose. (Golden poop drops from his red spider monkey toupee hairy backside) Tails, I win.

  5. Hyperion said,

    So it was Pan Goatee that signaled the coming apocalypse. Excellent. A good apocalypse will thin out the crowd and keep the gene pool pollution to a minimum. πŸ˜€

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      No doubt those who put up the Georgia Guidestones on giant stone tablets will be very happy.

      • Hyperion said,

        I suspect the Black Dragons are involved in that. They are meddling in everything. Everybody thinks they have the solution. I’m hoping the hybrid cybrids do better but form this last act, it seems that isn’t going according to plan.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No, the failure of the Black Dragons, the looming failure of the cybrid hybrids, the failure of Marxism and the failure of an extreme laissez faire capitalism and the failure of most political and economic systems in general seem to show the truth of G.K. Chesterton’s statement, “The presence of Original Sin within man and nature seems to be the one theological doctrine for which there’s an over abundance of empirical evidence.”

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ve always believed that perfect systems made more complex by imperfect humans dooms every effort in time. We fail, start over, learn the same lesson that was given before, then fail again. We are very pattern conscious hominids and a pattern of sin and failure is our most coveted prize.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And a YouTube video showing the same- someone’s colossal sin and failure- is always very popular. πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        I always say that failure is always an option. Often it’s the best option because it’s the easiest to implement.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And politicians have been implementing such policies for years. πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, we can accuse them of consistency in this area.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed, we can. LOL !

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