Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

April 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

“Say, Renfield,” Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, “in your opinion, what’s the best political system and form of government?”.

“An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch,” Renfield replied.

Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.

He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.

Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.

In Michelangelo’s dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.

The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.

Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:

Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term “tomatoed buns”, I take it we’re not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?

Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.

A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo’s aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th


  1. Hyperion said,

    Well, now you really have proven you are clairvoyant. I have a large and obnoxious tattoo of Pegasus on my back. It is even an anatomically correct tattoo with certain winged equine attributes as to make elderly ladies blush at the local public swimming pool, mothers hide their young children, and back in my younger days, young women seemed inclined to come over and want to discuss my art preferences among other things. Now they are a little older as am I and we still manage to carry on about the subconscious implications of my character with regard to winged equine attributes. πŸ˜€

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Back when I was 23 years old, I wrote a 3-act stage play called And In The Darkness Bind Them.

      Its title was taken from a poem in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of The Rings about

      “the One Ring to rule them all
      and in the darkness bind them”.

      The play was about a man who was into fantasy role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons or Chivalry and Sorcery (I was never into that myself although my best friend in High School was so I used his knowledge of those games for background in the play).

      The game in the play had a board and one of the figurines used on the board was the winged horse Pegasus.

      That figurine played a critical role in the play.

      In the play, the hero’s girlfriend dies and the hero uses a Fantasy Book of the Dead used in the game (used to bring characters in the game back from the dead) to bring his girlfriend back to life.

      The Book of the Dead used for fantasy turned out to work in reality.

      I wonder whatever became of that script- it was an interesting plot now that I think about it.

      Pegasus was of course my favourite Greek mythological character just like Athena is my favourite Greek goddess and Apollo is my favourite Greek god.

  2. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    She does seem to have that effect on men. And lobsters, apparently.

  3. sarejessian said,

    Chris, we are blown away by how great a wordsmith you are. Would you email you humble servant a summary of how the economic system of this planet works as I am totally at sea without an astroble and cannot fathom where to sail

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I was never really into economics, Tim.

      I was more into Geopolitics and International Relations.

      However I recommend you read the book The Keys of This Blood by Malachi Martin who does an excellent job of describing how the world economic system works and how the world political system works.

      It was from reading that Malachi Martin book back in 1990 that I first became interested in Geopolitics and International Relations.

  4. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! This chapter got a snort-laugh outa’ me! πŸ˜› That was quite a reaction M. had to his dream! πŸ˜‰
    I never saw Perry Mason, but I do remember Ironside. Raymond Burr always seemed so serious, too serious. I remember sitting there thinking, “I hope he’s having some fun in his real life.” I want everyone to be having fun! πŸ™‚
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Raymond Burr always did come across as being quite serious didn’t he?

      I remember he did a TV commercial for Edmonton Telephones about 20 years ago where he was flipping through the pages of a phone book and said in a real serious tone of voice, “It looks like Edmonton Telephones has a real best seller on its hands.”

      LOL !

  5. ѕнєяяιє βˆ‚Ρ” ναℓєяια said,

    Or so now you expose of me my other identity???
    Oh dear … need more promotion for my other work then.
    Got loads of tomatoed buns to do. My best creation ever! LOL

    How naughty, naughty you are, Mr Chris Dracul Helssssssiiiiinnnng …

    Κ• β€’α΄₯β€’Κ”

  6. anaatcalin said,

    Wooow, oh yes, an episode featuring my crush Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster! And Sherrrielock Holmes (grrrrr). Loved it loved it loved it! Super well done, another piece of fantastic comedy the special brand of Chris Milner, a brand that I’ve come to adore. Keep us fed, dear Chris πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: