Renfield’s Mysterious Client

April 25, 2016 at 7:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield’s Mysterious Client

As Amadeus Emanon ate his 33rd apple turnover and pondered an invitation from a friend to join the Freemasons, Renfield R. Renfield was eating a tuna fish sandwich.

“It looks like we may have to replace the weigh scale in the bathroom,” Amadeus stated.

“Why’s that?” Renfield asked.

“For some reason it broke when I stepped on it this morning,” Amadeus licked the icing off his fingers.

“That is strange,” Renfield picked up his copy of The Times of London and started reading about a mysterious new elephant appearing on the streets of London and yet there were no reports of an escape from the London Zoo.

“So I hear someone has hired you to do a hit job,” Amadeus opened his box of 3 dozen chocolate eclairs from the bakery.

“That’s right,” Renfield grinned, “I’m to track down the person or persons responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.”

“Who hired you?” Amadeus was starting to wonder why his belt was feeling so tight this evening.

“I’m sorry,” Renfield shook his head, “Under the terms of client/assassin confidentiality and privilege, I’m not allowed to reveal that information to you.”

“Oh,” Amadeus started licking the chocolate off his fingers.

“So I hear you’ve got a date with Dulcinea Lucia to go see a stage magician later this week,” Renfield said as a large chip and green monster appeared on his shoulder.

“That’s right,” Amadeus used a napkin to wipe the chocolate off his chin.

“So how come that sexy gypsy fortune teller always goes on dates with you but never with me?” Renfield’s face started turning as green as the grass at the height of spring.

“She says that you’re a hypersexualized serial adulterer,” Amadeus answered.

“Really?” Renfield was shocked, “I remember a few years ago some woman on my Facebook page accused me of being a hypersexualized serial adulterer.”

“Well, there you go,” Amadeus took a sip of chocolate milk.

“I wonder if there’s any truth to that,” Renfield pondered the question.

“No idea,” Amadeus shrugged.

Renfield went over to the living room bookshelf and took out the volume called Sigmund Freud’s Posthumously Written Dictionary of Post-Modern Psychiatric Conditions and looked up the term Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer and noticed his (Renfield’s) own photo alongside the definition of the term.

“Find it?” Amadeus inquired.

“Yes,” Renfield angrily sat down at the living room table and pouted.

“I wonder what the name of that magician is that Dulcinea Lucia wants me to see,” Amadeus finished his 36th chocolate eclair.

“No fucking idea,” Renfield fumed.

“Excuse me, sir,” Athelstan the butler and valet entered the living room and spoke to Renfield, “but there’s a call for you from 10 Downing Street on the secure phone line in the study.”

“Oh,” Renfield ran with great haste to the study.

“Hm,” Amadeus reached for his bucket of KFC as he was growing tired of having eaten nothing but sweets all day, “I wonder what 10 Downing Street is calling Renfield about.”

One of the world’s great mysteries.

Like how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar Amadeus thought to himself as he eyed the Caramilk chocolate bar Renfield had left behind on the table.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 25th


  1. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    How very odd, indeed.

  2. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Yes, the scent of ancient Danish cheese at the court of Elsinore has entered the City of London. ๐Ÿ˜€

  3. Hyperion said,

    Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer? I’m sure that has everything to do with his hamster genes. They feel compelled to procreate regular and often. Poor Renfield, he is only following his nature. You had me rolling on the floor with this one, LOL!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That’s good to hear, Daniel. ๐Ÿ˜€

      Yes, it’s those hamster genes.

      They’ll do it to you every time.

      And those skin tight fit wearing jeans that Cosmo Kramer once wore helps prevent the act of hypersexualized serial adultery. ๐Ÿ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        Adds new meaning to cramp your style ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, cramps is Kramer’s style.

        And crabs are Renfield’s when he visits the doctor and painfully discovers that old tourist slogan “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” doesn’t really hold true.

      • Hyperion said,

        Hahahahaaahahahaa! Renfield is such an alley cat for being half hamster.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed. LOL !

      • Hyperion said,


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  4. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    I wonder what they are calling him about!!! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Renfield…one of the all-time great literary characters!
    HUGS!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Carolyn. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I really appreciate that.

      A character I created you would consider one of the all-time great literary characters. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

    Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer! So Renfield!
    Then Sherrielock Homes is the Hypersexualized Whip Torturerer?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I suppose that is indeed the case, Sherrie.

      ROTFL !

      Sherrielock is the Hypersexualized Whip Torturer designed to reign in Renfield the Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer. ๐Ÿ˜€

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        Yes, and Karl Lagerfeld can make a strange video on that too. I saw his vids in Youtube and most are all strange …

        You should try to watch this one … A little weird, really …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks, I’ll take a look at that video later on my Toshiba laptop, Sherrie. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Karl Lagerfeld?

        Isn’t he a famous fashion designer?

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        Yes, that man!
        A genius, but a weird one. LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I thought he was the fashion designer.

        One of the characters in my vampire novel- Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell is kind of a combination of fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld and writer Truman Capote. ๐Ÿ˜€

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        You know, when I was a teenager I admire Capote and years later I saw a film on him done by Phillip Seymour. What a brilliant film! Reminded me a classical gangster mafia film, but it was all about this one great writer who done his controversial book the ‘Cold Blood’. It was terrific – really brilliant.

        Hah … so Karl is one of the character combination there as Heathcliff Dionysus. Gosh, I have not read on him for a long time in your vampire blogs. I read those when were were at Xanga. Not long after that we went away from that place …

        Karl Lagerfeld is a weird, but also an artist of his own. He owes everything to his muse or lover boy, and his cat! Not to forget his savage taste for Cola Light! LOL He drank it with style! In a wine glass! What a man, huh?


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        What a man indeed. LOL !

        Cola Light in a wine glass.

        Yes, Lagerfeld is fond of his cat.

        That’s why Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell is quite fond of his cat Oysterella.

        And Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell and Oysterella appear in my first vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia (which I wrote between April 2009 and July 2010) which should be published and uploaded to Amazon and available for sale sometime in the next couple of weeks.

        Daniel is putting the final finishing touches on my manuscript so it can be properly formatted for upload and publication to Amazon’s site.

        btw- I watched the Lagerfeld film on my laptop tonight.

        Very unique indeed. LOL !

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        That is so kind of Daniel to help you on your manuscripts. If I let Daniel to do that for me, he will got a heart attack trying to correct my grammar! LOL

        I have always been wondering, even back then on why you named his cat Oysterella? But then we all were too busy whining on leaving Xanga and too nervous to lose our blog home.


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I thought Oysterella was kind of a cool name.

        A combination of oysters and Cinderella.

        Since Oysterella was a cat who enjoyed eating oysters. LOL !

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        My cats hate oyster! LOL
        Did try to tease them with oyster not so long ago and they just stared at it, and blinking at me all the time! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Your cats hate oysters eh?

        LOL ! Do they like to drink vodka?

        Oysterella drinks vodka when she eats her oysters. LOL !

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        nnI did try oyster. It tasted like nothing.
        As if I have condom in my mouth! LOL
        When I told my friends that they all spitting out whatever they drink or eat in front of them. hahahaha … Hilarious! hahahaha …

        Then one of them said, “Sherry … put some lemon juice on it. It tasted good that way …” Well, I did. It still tasted like plastic in there.

        Then, the other gf said if there is condom sold in oyster aroma? LOL hahaha … No one can co

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If I was one of your friends at that table, Sherrie, I’d have asked you, “How do you know what a condom in the mouth tastes like?”. LOL !

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        LOL They did, of course!
        But then all started to speak of condoms and taste, and sizes and aromas …
        I remembered that one of the young Italian waiter almost burst when he heard of our conversation at the table while he went in and out to serves us. LOL

        Then I remembered my friend Marie (who is a French teacher) said to him, “Boy, you owe to know that even your mother speaks like this when the kids are not around!”

        wah hahahaha … That poor young man has to tolerate us crazy women! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

        Yes, I imagine even your own kids would probably be shocked if they heard you and your girl friends talk. LOL !

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        Oh, my kids were not there. LOL
        It was me and my gfs at lunch.
        Hilarious. When women get together, hell break loose somehow.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes I know but your kids would have been probably shocked if they had been eavesdropping on the conversation from elsewhere. LOL !

        Hell breaks loose when women get together eh? LOL !

        And if Donald Trump’s hairpiece fell into the soup on the table, then there’d really be Hell toupee. ๐Ÿ˜€

      • ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

        Then when that happen, I will TOMATOED him for sure! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Two tomatoed buns for Donald Trump coming up. ๐Ÿ˜€

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