Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

April 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

“Say, Renfield,” Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, “in your opinion, what’s the best political system and form of government?”.

“An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch,” Renfield replied.

Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.

He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.

Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.

In Michelangelo’s dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.

The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.

Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:

Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term “tomatoed buns”, I take it we’re not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?

Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.

A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo’s aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th

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Haiku About Spring In Vancouver

April 8, 2016 at 8:48 pm (Life, Nature, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Spring In Vancouver

Cherry blossoms dance
in April breeze with sunbeams
scent Nature’s Perfume

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Cthulhu At The Vatican: A Poem

April 7, 2016 at 9:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, News, Poetry, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Cthulhu At The Vatican: A Poem

One fine night on the Tiber
a man drank sweet apple cider
when suddenly from the river’s depth
rose a monster causing him to say “What the heck!”
The creature had an octopus head
causing the man to drop his bread
It had webbed human looking arms and legs
Said the man, “I better get to Meg’s!”
An Italian bistro just down the street
The creature had snake like bunions on its feet
It stood hundreds of meters tall
and soon approached the Vatican wall
as Pope Francis lectured Trump on lack of charity
in the midst of much Curial hilarity
The creature had huge dragon like wings on its back
and gave some Vatican Swiss Guards the permanent sack
although it had no authority to do so
but what the heck, it made a fine YouTube show
as the post went viral with epic flow

The creature went into the finely wrapped box marked Pope Francis’ God of Surprises
and threw out the flowers there- Mother Earth’s irises
It then sat in the box
quiet like a hunted fox
waiting for its unveiling
causing Cardinals to hit the railing
when bursting forth like a jack in the box
it would resemble Baphomet’s unwashed socks
The final document of the Synod on The Family
would add to that dreaded abode of the damned-ly.

-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday Evening
April 7th 2016.

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Pan Goatee and The Feathered Serpent

April 5, 2016 at 8:51 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and The Winged Serpent

Pan Goatee was busy cutting off the heads of ugly women who were out walking their dogs (the four-legged kind) the past few nights.

“I’ve never seen so many dogs out walking their dogs,” Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped off repulsive looking heads left, right and center.

He lopped off the head of one ugly looking woman who thought she could actually race him across the street at a stop light.

And then lopped off the head of another ugly looking woman who tried to enter his favourite oyster and sushi bar before him.

As he sat enjoying eating his oysters and thinking about the beautiful Aphrodite possibly emerging from one of his oyster shells, he got a call on his Samsung Galaxy S7 Smart Phone.

It came from a wealthy Neo-Nazi sympathizing German industrialist and arms manufacturer who was backing Donald Trump’s race for the U.S. Presidency.

It had come to the industrialist’s attention that the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl and his goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec were trying to forge an alliance with Mitt Romney to stop Trump winning the Republican Party Presidential nomination.

A CIA agent (who surprisingly was pro-Bernie Sanders) was going to serve as go-between for a proposed Phoenix, Arizona summit meeting between the 3.

The agent whose name was actually Johnny Begood would apparently be playing the part of a masked Saquasohuh (Blue Star) Kachina dancer in a ritual ceremony in the plaza of a Hopi Indian village in northeastern Arizona tonight.

The industrialist asked Pan Goatee if he wouldn’t mind astral projecting to this village and bumping off the said pro-Bernie Sanders CIA agent.

Pan Goatee said “yes for a fee of one million Euros” to which the German industrialist agreed.

The money would be wired to Pan Goatee’s British Virgin Islands offshore account.

As Pan Goatee put his smart phone back in his pocket, he breathed a sigh of relief that he decided to use the British Virgin Islands for his offshore bank accounts rather than Panama in lieu of the leaking of the Panama Papers at Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca.

Pan Goatee then astral projected to the said village at the Hopi reservation in northeastern Arizona.

He noticed the man wearing the Saquasohuh Blue Star Kachina bird costume (though he hadn’t put on his bird’s head mask yet) and deduced this must be CIA agent Johnny Begood.

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the man with his machete.

At that moment a beautiful (which was a good thing for her being in the presence of Pan Goatee) Hopi girl (about 19) who was going to play the role of tribal princess in tonight’s ceremony walked into the room and said, “Why did you do that? He was supposed to dance for our ceremony tonight and now we have no one.”

“I think this costume would fit me,” Pan Goatee said looking down at Begood’s body, “I could put it on and do the dance.”

“All right,” said the Hopi princess looking at her watch, “Hurry up and put it on. We just have half an hour. It will take 5 minutes for you to get the costume on and then another 25 minutes for me to teach you the dance- assuming you’re a quick learner.”

“I’m a quick learner,” Pan Goatee flashed a smile which was whiter than usual since he had started using an ultra-bright whitening toothpaste a week ago.

So Pan Goatee put the costume on and then learned the dance and then went out into the plaza of the village where he did the dance.

He was starting to feel extremely hot under the mask (having put a little too much Tabasco sauce on his oysters) so he took off the mask.

The Hopi elders noticed a CNN news crew and a Fox News crew and a BBC News crew there filming the ceremony.

“Oh my God,” one of the elders cried, “a Kachina has removed his mask in the presence of the uninitiated.”

“This means the beginning of the Apocalypse,” another elder shouted.

Anderson Cooper gulped as he looked at the live feed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 5th

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In conclusion (looking back on life and taking stock )

April 4, 2016 at 8:06 pm (Uncategorized)

My friend the South African writer Timothy Wood examines the important question, “What makes a life worth living?”.

The Sarejessian

As one reaches the concluding years of ones life,one occasionally looks back and takes stock of what you have managed to do with your life.

In most cases people will say that they have had a good life it could have been better but that’s life.
Most people would say that they have a loving family and a home or they have been successful in business.

Truth is most people live mediocre lives and leave no lasting residue in this world all memory of them is gone about 25 years after they cease to breath.

A very few, the exceptional few manage to become names that history remembers for ever.

One thinks of great names in history, true but it is the men and women around these people who make this history. It is the writers, artists and those of the creative type who record the history that mankind remembers

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Black sheep of the family & dyslexia a lifetime

April 3, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Uncategorized)

A heart wrenching personal essay written by my good friend the South African writer Timothy Wood about his lifelong battle and struggle with dyslexia.

The Sarejessian

As far back as I can remember I have been the black sheep of my family.

Now this is not a pity party it is just the way it is. Ill list the facts & reasons why & you can decided for yourself.

1.) I in no way shape or form conform to members of my father’s side of the family. Who for the most part are down to earth hard working artisans, mechanics, and folk from that sort of lifestyle.
These folks qualified in the usual way after finishing school and going on to complete the required qualifications in their field’s of interest.

The people from my mother’s side of the family are more intellectuals and they also happen to be proud people who do not accept into their ranks new family members who are odd or different with very few exceptions.

The exception been the family of my…

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