The Ghost White Salamander
The Ghost White Salamander
Belvedere was the ghost of a ghost white salamander who hung out with Salaman The Magician.
The two had met when the stage magician had been doing a magic show in Salt Lake City.
Belvedere did not believe that he had always been a ghost white salamander.
He believed an evil witch had turned him into a ghost white salamander when he refused to pay her for services rendered in a room above a Wild West saloon.
Since he had been turned into a salamander and was ghostly white in colour, he would have been labelled by zoologists a ghost white salamander.
He turned into the ghost of a ghost white salamander after being run over by an ox cart heading further west.
No one could see him until Salaman The Magician had spotted him in Salt Lake City.
Belvedere and Salaman had hit it off and the two hung out together ever since.
Belvedere would occasionally help Salaman out with his magic show.
Having a ghost as part of the show often left other stage magicians who were sitting in the audience as spectators scratching their heads wondering themselves how a certain trick could have been possibly done.
Salaman had recently been hired by the British government to put on a fake haunting using fake ghosts at a Scottish castle this past weekend.
“Why didn’t you use a real ghost like me for the haunting?” Belvedere the ghost of the ghost white salamander asked Salaman.
“A lot of people don’t find ghosts of ghost white salamanders scary,” Salaman answered.
“Really?” Belvedere looked perplexed, “I find myself looking scary whenever I look into the mirror and find dandruff flakes falling out of my ectoplasm.”
“Yes, that really is a strange phenomenon,” Salaman had to admit.
“I really don’t know how to stop it,” Belvedere said sheepishly, “it makes me glad most people aren’t able to see me.”
“Eek!” The magician’s lovely stage assistant Maria screamed when she entered the room, “What is that strange creature with dandruff flakes falling out of its ectoplasm?”.
“Of which this moment is a prime example,” Belvedere the ghost white salamander hung his head in shame.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 30th
2016.
The Scent of A Garden: A Short Poem
The Scent of A Garden: A Short Poem
The scent of a garden
Hyacinth and cherry blossom
Perfume of nature
so pleasing
Hans Von Klaus On The Rhine
Hans Von Klaus On The Rhine
Wealthy German industrialist Hans Von Klaus was sailing aboard his own personal cruise ship down the Rhine river.
The name of this cruise ship was The Hamburg Frankfurter.
Von Klaus owned another large personal cruise ship The Frankfurt Hamburger but that sank last year after it had crashed into some large rocks in the middle of the Rhine river.
The captain of the ship Titan Ick Weissberg claimed he was distracted by a beautiful Rhine river siren called Lorelei who was standing on top of the rock singing a beautiful rendition of The Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde.
Overcome by desire at seeing the vision of the beautiful blonde short skirted Valkyrie warrrioress songstress (to say nothing of the erection that caused a certain part of his anatomy to be caught in the ship’s steering wheel), Titan Ich Weissberg soon found himself on the rocks along with the martini he had ordered from the ship’s steward.
And now Captain Titan Ick Weissberg stood at the helm of The Hamburg Frankfurter a year after he had made ground round meat of The Frankfurt Hamburger.
“No more falling for sirens and other water spirits,” Hans Von Klaus had barked at Captain Weissberg at the start of the voyage.
This was followed by the barking of a chihuahua behind Herr Von Klaus.
After throwing Paris Hilton’s annoying little pet overboard, Herr Von Klaus sat down in a comfortable deck chair on board deck and proceeded to read The Financial Times newspaper.
He ordered some lunch from the ship’s steward.
After reading that the bottom had fallen out of the underwear market in the middle of his stuffed cabbage, Klaus was soon on the phone to his investment firm in Frankfurt.
“Where in the world can we get the raw materials for that?” Klaus asked his financial advisor.
He waited for the reply while he lit his cigar.
“Russia huh?” Klaus ordered a vodka from the steward.
The businessman took a few puffs of his cigar and then asked, “Are sanctions still in place against Russia over that damned war in eastern Ukraine?”.
“Bloody Hell,” he remarked when he heard that they were.
He dropped cigar ash all over his expensive Italian hand crafted leather shoes.
Herr Von Klaus was soon off the phone with his financial advisor and on the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
“Angela, darling,” Hans spoke with the affection of a Pyramus wooing his Thisbe, “I need you to grant one of my companies an exemption to make a deal with Putin.”
After exchanging recipes for making German beer sausage, Klaus soon got the exemption from Chancellor Merkel.
He was soon on the phone with Vladimir Putin.
“Vlad my friend,” Klaus bent over backwards with the enthusiasm of a Lord Alfred Douglas waiting for Oscar Wilde, “I was wondering if…”
After exchanging recipes for borscht, Klaus had soon sealed a deal with Putin.
“It looks like it’s going to be a good day after all,” Klaus chomped on his cigar with the enthusiasm of a Winston Churchill hearing of Germany’s unconditional surrender in May 1945.
Those were the last words he spoke before getting a sudden very close up view of the rocks in the middle of the Rhine river.
As he went under the waters of the Rhine, he felt himself being pulled to shore by a beautiful blonde short skirted Valkyrie warrioress singing Do You Know The Way To San Jose?
“Captain Titan Ick Weissberg, you’re fired,” Hans Von Klaus spit the wet cigar out of his mouth.
He leaned back and eagerly awaited mouth-to-mouth-resuscitation from the Rhine river siren water nymph called Lorelei.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 26th
2016.
Salaman The Magician
Salaman The Magician
Salaman The Magician had been summoned to 10 Downing Street to meet the Prime Minister David Cameron.
“I hear you’re putting on a very successful magic show in London these days,” Cameron said to Salaman.
“I try my best, Mr. Prime Minister,” the white bearded magician smiled.
“I hear this past weekend, you had a frog leaping out from the bosom of a very beautiful woman in a low-cut evening dress and frightening Boris Johnson,” Cameron smiled.
“As much as I’d like to claim credit for what turned out to be a very upstaging event during the show,” the magician bowed his head, “alas, I was not the one responsible for that.”
“Well no matter,” Cameron got to the point, “the point is we’re having a very important guest- a foreign dignitary- staying at a castle in Scotland tonight- the castle is said to be haunted. We want you to use your magic skills to make a ghost appear to the foreign dignitary and get him to adopt the same position on a certain international issue as that held by Her Majesty’s Government here in the United Kingdom. Sorry to give you such short notice on this. But we just found out at the last moment that this gentleman is flying in for a secret conference on this issue at the said haunted castle in Scotland. We thought if anyone could put together a seemingly authentic haunting at the last moment, it would be a master magician such as yourself.”
“All right, I’ll do it,” Salaman answered when he was handed a piece of paper by Cameron stating the amount the British government was willing to pay him for staging the supposedly authentic haunting.
“Great,” Cameron shook his hand and the magician made his exit.
• • •
“Who’d have thought,” Salaman shook his head as he got into the taxi outside 10 Downing Street, “that magic shows and haunted castles would soon play an important role in international relations.”
Meanwhile over in Vietnam, Barack Obama was unaware that he was currently chatting with the actual real ghost of a Vietnamese Empress.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 24th
2016.
Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok
Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok
Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.
Audiences were raving about it.
Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.
To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.
After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”
So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.
Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.
Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.
The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.
Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.
So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.
Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.
As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.
Limerick About Recep Tayyip Erdogan
Limerick About Recep Tayyip Erdogan
A man called Recep had sex with a goat
And did it on an ermine skin coat
so say German comics
on modern electronics
as Merkel leaps for their throat
Renfield Asks Donald Trump A Question
Renfield Asks Donald Trump A Question
Renfield R. Renfield’s campaign for the U.S. Presidency was going nowhere.
He sat at 0.0% in the polls and had 0.0% of the delegates in either party- Republican or Democrat.
And to add insult to injury, still no one was telling him to drop out of the race like Hillary Clinton was telling Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump was telling Ted Cruz and John Kasich a month ago.
Renfield felt somewhat peeved.
He had recently found out however that he Renfield had actually been created in a genetics lab in Colorado Springs, Colorado (his creator Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had been trying to re-create Nikola Tesla’s experiments with ball lightning at the time) rather than a genetics lab in Britain.
That meant he Renfield was a natural born (or natural genetically created) American citizen and he no longer needed to tell everyone to ignore the U.S. Constitution while campaigning to be President (and that most American Presidents inevitably do once they enter office).
So Renfield decided he needed to do something radical to attract the attention of the U.S. media and public.
Then he thought of a question that he could ask Donald Trump- a question that no journalist had thought of asking Donald Trump before.
Renfield was positive that this question would catapult him into the national spotlight.
So he flew over to America to a Donald Trump campaign rally and posed as a journalist.
Trump surveyed the room for members of the press and pointed in Renfield’s direction.
“You sir,” he pointed at Renfield, “wearing the Porn Stars and Hookers For Renfield campaign button on your lapel, you have a question?”.
“I do, Mr. Trump,” Renfield grinned like the cat about to pounce on the canary, “when was the last time you had a hair cut?”.
Trump looked shell shocked.
“What?” Trump sputtered.
“That should be an easy question for most people with their own natural hair on their head to answer, Mr. Trump,” Renfield grinned again, “when was the last time you had a hair cut?”.
“Throw that bum out of here,” Donald Trump directed his handlers.
Trump’s handlers then pounced on the Set Enterprises Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering posing as a journalist.
“What are you trying to cover up and hide, Mr. Trump?” Renfield shouted, “When was the last time you had a hair cut?”.
“Throw that bum out of here!” Trump once again screamed.
“They’re going to make bumper stickers,” Renfield shouted, “bumper stickers that say RED SPIDER MONKEYS DIED FOR TRUMP’S FOLLICLE SINS.”
“Throw that bum out of here,” Trump raged with the fury of an Austrian painter addressing a rally in mid-1930s Nuremberg.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 19th
2016.
Jack O’ Hare Vs. The Pirates: A Poem
Jack O’ Hare Vs. The Pirates: A Poem
His name was Jack O’ Hare
bunny rabbit extraordinaire
a wild hare jack rabbit from afar
who hopped around- didn’t drive a car
He decided to try sailing the Seven Seas
after eating some wild mushrooms with his peas
The name of his ship he called The Orange Carrot
Those who don’t like the name must grin and bare it
He soon heard of a nasty group of pirates and buccaneers
while downing on an island tavern quite a number of beers
These weren’t gentlemanly pirates like Captain Jack Sparrow
These were nasty cutthroats who’d cut you to the bone and eat your marrow
Jack decided to rid the 7 Seas of this terror
and he’d do it with no time to spare
He raised his bunny rabbit flag- an orange carrot
high on the ship’s pole so no one could tear it
And set off after The Black Heart
the pirate ship of Captain Grimstone Dark
the wickedest pirate e’er to sail the Seven Seas
who once cut off his First Mate’s nose to stop a sneeze
Jack O’ Hare caught sight of The Black Heart
and finding no place to park
dropped anchor where he was
and asked why, said “Because…”
He then lined up tomatoes and green potatoes and shouted “Fire”
And when the ship’s bunny flag dropped, he said “Higher”
The Orange Carrot flew proudly from the mast
And Captain Grimstone’s heart grew overcast
when suddenly he was hit by a green potato
and then suddenly splattered by a red tomato
The pirate terror was down
his face resembled that of a clown
The bunnies then jumped aboard The Black Heart
and made sure its sails came apart
so it would never again sail the 7 Seas
meanwhile Captain Grimstone was on his knees
his buns were tomatoed by Sherrielock Holmes
while bunnies took photos with their smart phones
Jack O’ Hare then sank the pirate ship
and tweeted on Twitter, that was quite the trip
Captain Grimstone Dark became a circus clown
and underneath a painted smile wore a frown
Jack O’ Hare returned to land
and played the trumpet in a band
you can see him hopping in many a parade
the one drinking carrot juice amongst a line of Gatorade
-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday May 17th 2016.
You Can Still Hear The Sky Larks Sing: A Poem
May 30, 2016 at 4:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Poetry) (poem, war)
You Can Still Hear The Sky Larks Sing: A Poem
You can still hear the sky larks sing
And the guns are no longer heard
Poppies still blow between the crosses row on row
101 years since John McCrae penned the words to In Flanders Fields
And many more cemeteries and graveyards have been sown all over the world
the seeds of numerous wars that have been fought since that so-called Great War from 100 years ago
Would Kaiser Wilhelm II, Emperor Franz Joseph, Czar Nicholas II and the leaders of France and Britain gone to war to enforce their petty quarrels and jealousies and nationalistic pride if they knew the sheer Hell and chaos and hundreds of millions of deaths that would have resulted over the next century as a result of their quarrel and desire to go to war?
If any of them were monsters, they’d have said Yes
If any of them were men, they’d have said No
Their conflict and their decision to go to war did set the stage for the rise of monsters
Hitler, Tojo, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and numerous others
When humans stumble in their humanity, monsters will rise in their wake
-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday May 30th 2016.
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