Renfield Meets Queen Elizabeth II

May 13, 2016 at 6:25 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Queen Elizabeth II

Renfield R. Renfield was feeling quite jealous of Amadeus Emanon these days.

Amadeus was getting lots of dates with beautiful women.

While he, Renfield, was striking out with beautiful women left, right and center.

He would definitely be ineligible to sign on as a designated hitter with a Major League Baseball team.

To top it off, Amadeus had recently been invited to a Royal event to mark Her Majesty The Queen’s 90th Birthday.

And Renfield had received no invitation from the Palace to attend anything.

Still Renfield had heard that Her Majesty would be holding yet another Royal Garden Tea Party to celebrate Her 90th year.

So Renfield decided to shapeshift into a hamster and enter the event that way.

And that’s exactly what he did.

He scurried under a table where he promptly shapeshifted back into his human form.

Then he crawled back out from under the table.

Just as Her Majesty The Queen was helping herself to a watercress sandwich.

“Oh dear, ” said the Queen, “did you lose something?”.

“Yes, I seem to have lost my pen given to me by my favourite grandmother,” Renfield answered.

“Good heavens,” said the Queen sympathetically, “I hope you found it.”

“I did,” Renfield pulled out a Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada pen from inside his vest pocket and quickly put it back before Her Majesty could read the logo.

“Is your favourite grandmother still alive?” The Queen asked.

“No,” Renfield shook his head, “she was killed last year while big game hunting in Africa.”

“Great Heavens,” said the Queen.

“Yes, she was mistaken for an American dentist by a lioness girlfriend of the late lamented lion Cecil of Zimbabwe,” Renfield spoke in pseudo-mournful tones.

“How awful,” said the Queen.

“Yes, it didn’t make for a pretty picture,” Renfield agreed, “although surprisingly the picture did go viral on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.”

“And you are…?” The Queen extended her hand.

“Mr. Renfield R. Renfield,” Renfield shook Her Majesty’s hand and bowed.

“Renfield R. Renfield?” Her Majesty repeated the name, “Funny, I don’t recall seeing that name on the invitation list.”

“Well I occasionally do clandestine work on behalf of both MI-5 and MI- 6,” Renfield answered, “so my name is very hush-hush. Top secret in other words.”

“Oh, I see,” the Queen nodded, “do you understand intelligence service code?”.

“Some,” Renfield nodded.

“Well as you know,” the Queen said, “I was recently caught on camera saying that some Chinese government officials were very rude during last year’s state visit by President Xi Jinping. Today I got a message from the British Embassy in Beijing saying that the said officials had just “got their buns tomatoed by Sherrielock Holmes for their rudeness”. I take it that’s some sort of code.”

“Um… yes it is,” Renfield’s face turned as white as a hamster’s.”

“Hello, Renfield,” a smiling Sherrielock Holmes stood behind the Queen.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the Queen went over to talk to the French Ambassador to London.

Sherrielock Holmes was dressed in a red rose emblazoned white cocktail dress instead of her usual leather skirted dominatrix attire.

“I take it you snuck into this garden party without an invitation,” Sherrielock smiled an even wider smile.

“Well… uh,” Renfield turned as pale as the moon when it had eaten too much green cheese on a moonlit evening.

Sherrielock opened her dragon leathered Gucci purse and threw out Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua and brought out a whip.

“No,” Renfield pleaded.

Renfield’s cries were drowned out by the 21-gun salute for the Queen.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 13th 2016.


  1. The sarejessian said,

    Mon ame brilliant. Bravo.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Tim my friend. πŸ™‚

      I’m unable any longer to view your blog on my iPhone.

      I’ll view it when I get on my laptop later.

  2. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    Its time they met!
    But, doesn’t seem the Queen could rescue him! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›
    “buns tomatoed”…love this! πŸ˜€
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

  3. ѕнєяяιє βˆ‚Ρ” ναℓєяια said,

    wah hahahaha …
    Aren’t that so me???
    I did the whipping and tomatoed his butts for sure.
    I bet Renfield can’t sleep for weeks on as the pain is for sure the most erotic for him. He just so love the torture.

    Oooppsss! That was other identity! Shiiii ….!!!

    (☝ ՞ਊ ՞)☝

  4. Hyperion said,

    Bwaaa haaa haaa! I love the timing in this. Why, hello, Sherrielock. Whackity-Whackity-Whack-Whack Poor Renfield’s fanny got smacked. Brilliant, Chris.

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