Hans Von Klaus On The Rhine

May 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Hans Von Klaus On The Rhine

Wealthy German industrialist Hans Von Klaus was sailing aboard his own personal cruise ship down the Rhine river.

The name of this cruise ship was The Hamburg Frankfurter.

Von Klaus owned another large personal cruise ship The Frankfurt Hamburger but that sank last year after it had crashed into some large rocks in the middle of the Rhine river.

The captain of the ship Titan Ick Weissberg claimed he was distracted by a beautiful Rhine river siren called Lorelei who was standing on top of the rock singing a beautiful rendition of The Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde.

Overcome by desire at seeing the vision of the beautiful blonde short skirted Valkyrie warrrioress songstress (to say nothing of the erection that caused a certain part of his anatomy to be caught in the ship’s steering wheel), Titan Ich Weissberg soon found himself on the rocks along with the martini he had ordered from the ship’s steward.

And now Captain Titan Ick Weissberg stood at the helm of The Hamburg Frankfurter a year after he had made ground round meat of The Frankfurt Hamburger.

“No more falling for sirens and other water spirits,” Hans Von Klaus had barked at Captain Weissberg at the start of the voyage.

This was followed by the barking of a chihuahua behind Herr Von Klaus.

After throwing Paris Hilton’s annoying little pet overboard, Herr Von Klaus sat down in a comfortable deck chair on board deck and proceeded to read The Financial Times newspaper.

He ordered some lunch from the ship’s steward.

After reading that the bottom had fallen out of the underwear market in the middle of his stuffed cabbage, Klaus was soon on the phone to his investment firm in Frankfurt.

“Where in the world can we get the raw materials for that?” Klaus asked his financial advisor.

He waited for the reply while he lit his cigar.

“Russia huh?” Klaus ordered a vodka from the steward.

The businessman took a few puffs of his cigar and then asked, “Are sanctions still in place against Russia over that damned war in eastern Ukraine?”.

“Bloody Hell,” he remarked when he heard that they were.

He dropped cigar ash all over his expensive Italian hand crafted leather shoes.

Herr Von Klaus was soon off the phone with his financial advisor and on the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

“Angela, darling,” Hans spoke with the affection of a Pyramus wooing his Thisbe, “I need you to grant one of my companies an exemption to make a deal with Putin.”

After exchanging recipes for making German beer sausage, Klaus soon got the exemption from Chancellor Merkel.

He was soon on the phone with Vladimir Putin.

“Vlad my friend,” Klaus bent over backwards with the enthusiasm of a Lord Alfred Douglas waiting for Oscar Wilde, “I was wondering if…”

After exchanging recipes for borscht, Klaus had soon sealed a deal with Putin.

“It looks like it’s going to be a good day after all,” Klaus chomped on his cigar with the enthusiasm of a Winston Churchill hearing of Germany’s unconditional surrender in May 1945.

Those were the last words he spoke before getting a sudden very close up view of the rocks in the middle of the Rhine river.

As he went under the waters of the Rhine, he felt himself being pulled to shore by a beautiful blonde short skirted Valkyrie warrioress singing Do You Know The Way To San Jose?

“Captain Titan Ick Weissberg, you’re fired,” Hans Von Klaus spit the wet cigar out of his mouth.

He leaned back and eagerly awaited mouth-to-mouth-resuscitation from the Rhine river siren water nymph called Lorelei.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 26th


  1. Hyperion said,

    LOL! Every line was a sheer delight, my friend. Your wit was razor sharp on this one. ๐Ÿ˜€

  2. ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

    LOL wah hahahaha … That was a hell of an erection that got caught between the ship steering wheel! I guessed, that was the real reason why Titanic sinked.

  3. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! ๐Ÿ˜€ That explains a lot! ๐Ÿ˜›
    (Love the names of the ships!)
    HUGS!!! ๐Ÿ™‚
    PS…Also, love me some Oscar Wilde! ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Thanks, Carolyn. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thought you’d enjoy the name of the ships. ๐Ÿ˜€

    And I’m a big fan of Oscar Wilde.

    I particularly enjoy his children’s stories like The Happy Prince and also The Selfish Giant.

  5. anaatcalin said,

    Loved it! Dear Chris, you nail it each and every time! It’s fantastic how you fletch old myths with new ones, your wording is awe-inspiring, and it all flows so naturally and with so much ease. The scenes you create make perfect sense, which is part of the secret ingredients that make your writings always so appealing. Super job!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you so much, Ana. ๐Ÿ™‚

      You’re able to capture the essence of my writing so well.

      I do enjoy combining old myths together with new myths. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Glad to hear that they flow together naturally in my writing. ๐Ÿ™‚

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