Belvedere and The Vampire

June 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Vampire

There was definitely a vampire in town all right.

Several of the saloon chorus girls in Hayden, Colorado had been bitten on the neck and had some of their blood drained.

Sherrielock Holmes the saloon owner was herself attacked by the vampire but she managed to beat him off with a whip.

A vampire hunter called Batty Bill Cotee was brought into town to give a speech on how to ward off, fight and kill vampires.

Batty Bill Cotee gave the speech at the Teetotalers Methodist Church in town.

Cotee recommended wearing Crosses and Crucifixes around one’s neck.

The recommendation led to sales of Crosses and Crucifixes from Saint Patrick’s Catholic Church and Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church in town.

Neither Saint Andrew’s Presbyterian Church nor the Immanuel Baptist Church in town profited from the recommendation.

Cotee also recommended hanging garlic in one’s doorway and one’s window to keep vampires out.

This led to great sales on garlic at Haim’s Delicatessen in town.

And the hanging of garlic led to a decrease in both vampire sightings and visits by traveling door-to-door salesmen at most homes in town.

“The way to kill a vampire is to stab it through the heart with a stake,” said Cotee.

Belvedere took particular note of that statement.

A few days later, the advice was to come in handy.

As Belvedere stepped out of the saloon one night, he noticed one of the saloon chorus girls Carla getting bitten on the neck by a vampire.

Belvedere immediately ran into the saloon and said to the cook, “I’d like a steak please.”

“How would you like it?” The cook asked, “Blue-rare? Rare? Medium rare? Medium? Medium well done? Well done?”.

Belvedere took a quick look out of the saloon window and realized he didn’t have much time.

“Uh… blue-rare please,” Belvedere said to the cook.

A couple of minutes later, the cook handed Belvedere a plate, “There you go. One 10-ounce blue-rare steak.”

Belvedere ran outside with the plate and the steak and ran up to the vampire who was still being a real pain in the neck to Carla.

Belvedere grabbed the steak off the plate and then dropped it to the ground shouting, “Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!”.

He quickly dropped the steak on the plate and ran over to the water trough for the horses and dipped both plate and steak into the cool water.

The vampire had stopped biting Carla on the neck as he stopped to watch Belvedere make a spectacle out of himself.

When the steak was sufficiently cool, Belvedere ran over to the vampire and started stabbing him in the heart with a steak.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The vampire asked.

“I’m stabbing you in the heart with a steak,” Belvedere replied.

“It’s a wooden stake you’re supposed to use, moron,” Carla said exasperatedly, “S-T-A-K-E not S-T-E-A-K, idiot!”.

“Oops!” Belvedere said.

He went running over to a white picket fence across the street and grabbed a stake from the fence.

“Hey, come back with part of my fence,” the homeowner shouted.

Belvedere ran over to the vampire and quickly plunged the white picket fence wooden stake into the vampire’s heart.

The vampire quickly degraded into skull and bones and then dust.

The homeowner rushed on to the scene and picked up his white picket fence stake and started crying, “Waaah! You got blood on it!”.

“My hero!” Carla kissed Belvedere.

Sherrielock Holmes who had been watching the whole scene up from her second floor saloon office window started laughing her head off.

“Oh, Belvedere,” she laughed, “you’ve got the brains of a politician.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 11th


  1. The Bioman said,

    Yeehah! Thissee a big one for you to show off your talents – great writing and a longtime friend made – I’ve been following your for about a year now and that means a friendship – take care and be well! B

  2. Natasha Pea said,

    I love it! Made me laugh again:)) Such light and smart humor. Is this a series of short stories about Belvedere?

  3. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! I snorted! πŸ˜€ Thanks for the laughs!
    Wow, all the religions in town were helpin’ out! πŸ˜›
    And sometimes the spelling of a word does make all the difference! πŸ™‚
    HUGS!!! but no bites! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

    Hey, here’s something that might give you some laughs:

  4. ѕнєяяιє βˆ‚Ρ” ναℓєяια said,

    hahahaha … I could’ve imagine me laughing there, watching the great spectacle.

    Love, Belvedere! My new favourite character now in your story, Chris.

  5. Mahevash said,

    Haha! I actually pictured this! Very well written πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Mahevash.

      Glad my description here was so vivid that you were able to picture the whole scene in your own imagination. πŸ™‚

  6. Hyperion said,

    This was excellent Chris. I do believe you have another winner in the making. I laughed so hard Tiger Mom rushed upstairs and performed the Heimlich maneuver on me thinking I was in the last throes of death I made so much noise kicking and squeeling. I would love to see the Movie open in Cannes. Sherrie would look devine dressed in her Sherrielock Holmes costume and spanking all the naughty actors and actresses that voted for Hellery or Trumpet instead of Renfield for President.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Sherrie would look devine in her Sherrielock Holmes outfit as the movie Good Times At The Wild Tomatoes and Mushrooms Saloon premiered in Cannes. πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        I would pay for a front row seat to that showing πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It would be worth it. πŸ™‚

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, I would pay to watch it twice and buy the DVD. πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Great to hear it’s made so many sales before being filmed. πŸ™‚

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL! Sign me up for advanced ticket sales.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

  7. Ghost and Rider Part Three | Dracul Van Helsing said,

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