The Old Gunslinger Returns

July 6, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , )

The Old Gunslinger Returns

As Belvedere stood behind the bar on this warm evening and pondered the exciting possibility that there might actually be Aztec gold in Hayden, Colorado, Sherrielock Holmes came running down the stairs in a lovely black and white evening gown and shouted, “Someone get Fat Tommy to the saloon. The Desperate Desperados Gang is riding into town tonight.”

The Desperate Desperados were a gang of cutthroat bandits and outlaws who took no prisoners but helped themselves to everything else.

Fat Tommy in his youth had been a famous gunslinger who then had the name Slim Tommy.

But times had changed.

Tommy lost his gunslinging ability for hamburger slinging followed by swallowing.

He had exchanged his slim waist line for an opportunity to play Moby Dick in a stage production (provided he lost enough weight to fit the whale’s actual size).

Still desperate times called for desperate measures and seeing as how the Desperate Desperados were riding into town, Fat Tommy was being asked by Sherrielock Holmes to gunsling once more.

Fat Tommy arrived in the saloon (he had some trouble getting through the swinging doors) and tried sitting down (breaking dozens of chairs in the process) and finally stood at the bar and ordered 300 plates of pork and beans.

When he finished his 300th plate, he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and walked (more like waddled) out the door.

It was sundown.

The Desperate Desperados were just riding into town with their guns drawn and hooting and hollering.

They stopped outside the saloon.

Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let ‘er rip.

That explains the reason for the huge quantity of pork and beans eaten, Belvedere thought as he watched.

The Desperate Desperados rode out of town like bats out of Hell.

Never had Belvedere seen outlaws or horses move so quickly.

Fat Tommy then started walking back towards the saloon.

“No, Fat Tommy,” Sherrielock ordered, “you’re not coming back in here tonight. I’ve yet to buy insurance on the chandeliers.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 6th
2016.

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18 Comments

  1. Mahevash said,

    “More like waddled out” LOL
    PS Not fat shaming, just loving the choice of words. Nothing wrong with being fat.

  2. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    No, as Jerry Seinfeld would say, “Not that there’s anything wrong with it.” πŸ˜€

  3. Hyperion said,

    Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaa! Chris, this was hilarious and also quite entertaining. I think you have another great novel in the making. “Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let β€˜er rip.” The best defense is a blistering offense. And, I can just imagine how offensive that was to the Desperate Desperados. I’m sure they realized instantly that chomping a lit cigar was going to be bad for their health as they came face to face with the 300 plates of pork and beans. My only suggestion is whenever the Three Blogoteers are together in our Cyber Hall of Heroes having a planning meeting, we shouldn’t try this until all business is completed and all the doors and windows are open. Surely, if Sherrielock survives such an event, the ripper will get a serious tomatoing.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much. Daniel.

      Yes, the Ripper will get a very serious tomatoing indeed. πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        I suspect Sherrielock will need to take precautions during the presentation of the guilty buns. πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        This is one situation where having a cold and a plugged up nose (like Sherrie is suffering from these days) comes in handy as the guilty buns undergo a tomatoing.

        From gunslinger to bum singer is very much a downward trend.

      • Hyperion said,

        Bwaaa haaaa haaaaa! I live that downward trend myself. I’ve gone from extreme adventurer to senile goat. Time to hit the pasture and do a little grazing.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I guess if your lawn mower ever breaks down for some reason, you can always get down on all fours and start chewing the grass down much to the amusement and inevitable fingerpointing of your neighbours. πŸ™‚

      • Hyperion said,

        I suspect they may move claiming the neighborhood has gone to the goats. πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        That’s the Dragon Masters at work.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s what you tell people when they ask why Tom Cruise playing the part of a DARPA recruited psychic psy-ops soldier is staring at you as you eat grass. πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        Then, as the diminutive Cruise approaches with his preprogrammed evil intent, I let er rip and the Tom is blown away by an epic storm of grass fed methane. So much for the ozone and Tom Cruise. Not to mention, another failed DARPA experiment.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

  4. Natasha Pea said,

    Any more Belvedere stories?:)

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I hope so, Natasha. πŸ™‚

      I’m currently trying to find a new place to live.

      I’m hoping to move back to the province of Alberta where I’m originally from.

      After 4 years of living on Canada’s West Coast, I’ve discovered about myself that I’m a true son of the Canadian Prairie after all like my dad was and that’s not a bad thing to be. πŸ™‚

      Hopefully being settled in an environment where I feel truly at home, I’ll be able to start writing stories featuring some of my favourite characters I’ve created over the years.

      • Natasha Pea said,

        I think that’s a great idea Chris. I don’t know how life is there, and I don’t know many details, but from what you’ve told me it sounds like change will be a step in the right direction. As they say “If things don’t go right, go left.” I like that saying. I wish you good luck and I hope once you settle in and feel at home, things will go right:) And more stories will come to WordPress:))

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, that’s what I’m hoping for too, Natasha. πŸ™‚

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