Pan Goatee To The Rescue Again

August 13, 2016 at 12:44 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee whose profession was U.S. government contract assassin and whose hobby was serial killing (he specialized in killing ugly looking women to make the world a more beautiful place to live) happened to wander by the blood analysis laboratory on the third floor of a hospital.

As he gazed into the waiting room, he happened to notice an enormously chubby and fat repulsive ugly looking woman trying to brush her elephantesque legs against some poor snook who clearly did not enjoy the physical contact with such a fat repulsive ugly looking creature.

The poor snook went over to the water fountain to try to escape the fat ugly thing’s advances and the fat repulsive ugly creature (who was wearing an I’m For Hillary campaign button- no surprise to Pan Goatee!) followed him over there.

Pan Goatee positively boiled over with Nietzschean (Oscar) Wildean Apollonian (Apollo the Greek god of beauty) aesthetic rage at the sight.

Ugly women clearly have no regard for other people’s feelings, Pan Goatee thought to himself (if they did, they’d sequester themselves in a dark cave somewhere where no one would have to look at them).

Quickly Pan Goatee entered the lab analysis waiting room, pulled out his machette and lopped off the fat ugly repulsive creature’s fat ugly head.

He then picked up the head and as careful as Perseus was in handling Medusa’s head, he entered one of the waiting room washrooms and flushed the fat ugly head down the toilet. When the toilet started overflowing, Pan Goatee closed the washroom door and grabbed an OUT OF ORDER sign and put it on the washroom door.

“How can I ever thank you?” The poor snook was forever grateful to Pan Goatee.

“All in a day’s work, my boy,” Pan Goatee doffed his mink fur hat, “part of my ongoing fight to make the world a more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing place. So that one day all of God’s children will be able to sing with perfect sincerity the lyrics of that beautiful Louis Armstrong song What A Wonderful World.”

Pan Goatee then exited out the waiting room door and went out into the wider world beyond.

“Who was that man with hairy goat’s legs?” The poor snook asked in amazement.

“I believe that was Pan Goatee a U.S. government contract assassin and well-known serial killer of ugly looking women,” the somewhat relieved and quite grateful for her attractive looks waiting room nurse stated, “I saw him on the Jimmy Kimmel Show last year.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 10th 2016.


  1. Hyperion said,

    Egads! Why is Pan Goatee wasting time in a blood analysis lab when he should intervene on behalf of all humanity in the elections before something terrible happens. Can you imagine Putin’s dismay when he has to host Merkel and Hilderbeast at the Kremlin to talk intimately about where everyone should put their missiles? I hear cheap porn video music and hot tub splashing in the background. What in hell is Renfield and Amadeus up to over there?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Renfield is on a drunken bender and Amadeus is on one massive eating binge (as opposed to his usual unmassive eating binge).

      • Hyperion said,

        Oh my! We gotta get the boys back in the hot tub to get their chemicals all straightened out. I here there is a lot of eligible hot tub stars from California that would love a chance to skinny dip with a hamster-human like Renfield. And of course, Amadeus should arrange the catering. πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, an event listed on Facebook as “Hot wings, hot girls, hot tub and hot buns.” ::D

      • Hyperion said,

        And the rascals in the hot tub are in hot water with Miss Sherrielock πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

      • Hyperion said,

        πŸ˜€ πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰

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