Pan Goatee’s Nightmare

August 28, 2016 at 3:00 pm (Comedy, Culture, Humour, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s Nightmare

Pan Goatee was having a nightmare. Everywhere he looked and everywhere he turned, there were ugly looking women. It would have been a nightmare equally shared by the most devoted professor of philosophy whose specialty was the study and promotion of aesthetics.

John Keats had once wrote that a thing of beauty was a joy forever. Well, there was no joy in Mudville (in this case, planet Earth). Good taste and grooming had struck out.

The genetically created satyr serial killer and contract assassin looked at his Breviary that he had taken from the body of a Roman Catholic priest beheaded by members of the so-called Islamic State.

He noticed that the Saint’s commemoration celebration on this day August 25th was the Commemoration of Saint Louis IX King of France and Crusader (April 25th 1215- August 25th 1270).

He was one Catholic Saint who was believed by many historians to have been personally gay (although he had 11 children by his wife Marguerite of Provence).

No doubt the Saint had had a prophetic vision of what the women of the world would look like on this date August 25th in the year 2016 and that was the final factor that so dramatically swung Saint Louis into the direction of being gay.

Pan Goatee called on the gods of Olympus for help.

Zeus, when he turned his eagle eye binoculars to the scene (the world on August 25th 2016), suffered a rare cardiac arrest for an immortal.

As Asclepius and Hermes performed C.P.R. on the supreme god of the Olympians, Hera directed that Freddy Krueger of Nightmare On Elm Street fame and Jason of Friday the 13th fame be sent as back up for the beleagured satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Zeus recovered after Asclepius used one of the supreme Olympian’s own thunderbolts on his Hippocrates brand defibrilllator machine.

“I’m becoming gay,” Zeus announced to a shocked Hera when he came to, “mortal women have become far too ugly for my liking. I’m going to have to wrestle my bi-sexual son Apollo in chasing after such handsome youths as Hyacinth.”

A homosexual Zeus would definitely throw the entire Cosmos off balance, Hera decided to herself, for such a horny and insatiable overly heterosexual sex addict such as Zeus to turn gay could be worse for the future existence of the universe than the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in the hands of a drunken otter who had drunk too much of Daniel’s Fine Tomatoed Buns Otter Brew Beer.

Desperate times require desperate measures, Hera decided.

Aphrodite was called upon to give Zeus the mother of all blow jobs.

As Aphrodite did so, Zeus’ sexual orientation was swung back a full 360 degrees as both Pythagoras and Sigmund Freud hastily took notes as they observed the spectacle.

Meanwhile on planet Earth on that Hellish date of August 25th 2016, Freddy Krueger had gouged out his own eyes with his long razor sharp fingernails because he could not bear the ugliness of the earthling women of that date.

After he had done so, he was invited by filmmaker Quentin Tarantino to audition for the role of Oedipus in a modern remake of the Greek myth that the writer and director was thinking of making.

Meanwhile Jason wearing a goalie mask had cut off his own head when he saw the ugliness of the women- a feat for which he was invited to audition for a new TV show in which Simon Cowell would be a judge- The Islamic State’s Got Talent.

Pan Goatee meanwhile was reaching for the nuclear button in the White House. The satyr had reached the drastic conclusion that the only way the beauty of the universe could be saved is if he blew planet Earth to Kingdom Come.

Pan Goatee pushed the button as Barack Obama inwardly sobbed, “Why did he do that just before my order of Little Caesar’s Pizza was about to arrive at the White House?”.

The earth was blown to Kingdom Come.

The voice of Rod Serling (host of The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery) could be heard above the roar of the atomic mushroom cloud making a shredded cabbage cole slaw out of planet Earth:

“For that, Mr. Pan Goatee, Darth Vader thanks you.
Hillary Clinton doesn’t.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 25th 2016

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12 Comments

  1. Natasha Pea said,

    A lot of real knowledge is implemented in this humorous piece.

  2. Hyperion said,

    We have indeed uglified a large part of the world. Nothing a pandemic can’t cure. Perhaps, the zombie apocalypse is already upon us. We’ve made it politically incorrect to recognize it. What a neat trick to allow the zombificationistic disease to flourish.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, that was indeed a stroke of genius on somebody’s part.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ll bet it was an elected government official. One thing Trump will do for America that Hillery can’t. He’ll put a nice First Lady in the White House who knows a little about class and style. maybe he’ll reinstitute the trickle down theory.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes,a trickle down theory for aesthetics like Reagan did for economics. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Precisely 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        😀

  3. shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

    You should include the ‘Bush’ joke in it as well. Damn ugly Bush that got to be rid off by Pan Goatee! LOL

    Love this Piece – so damn hillarious! Can’t stop laughing.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad this piece has given you the joy of laughter, Sherrie my friend. 🙂

      Which “Bush” joke would that be?

      One about George H.W.? George W.? Barbara? Jed?

      LOL !

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