Belvedere Meets Vladimir Putin

August 31, 2016 at 3:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Russian President Vladimir Putin was lifting weights in his office in the Kremlin. Russian Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev wasn’t.

“You’re out of shape there, Dmitri,” Putin commented as he lifted a huge dumbbell (of the weight lifting variety as opposed to a U.S. Presidential candidate), “You should swim in Siberian streams like I do, ride topless and bareback on horses like I do, wrestle with bears, paint tigers’ claws nails pink and make love to vampiresses like I do.”

“I should,” Dmitri agreed as he lay on the floor gazing up at the gold-gilded mirror on the office ceiling.

Dmitri could not get off the floor.

Putin rang a bell and a pair of sharply dressed warrioresses from Kazakhstan appeared in the office.

“Take Dmitri to the dining room and offer him a couple of tomatoed bun sandwiches to help him regain his strength,” Putin directed..

“No, not tomatoed bun sandwiches,” Dmitri screamed as he was dragged out of the office.

“Now, where was I?” Putin addressed Belvedere the ghost of the ghost white salamander who had been sent over here as a reporter by the Times of London to interview Putin.

“You said you were going to flex your muscles and you did just that,” Belvedere answered as he held a goose feather quill dipped in ink which served as a pen.

“Indeed, I did,” Putin ate a can of spinach, “NATO and the West will have to realize that they won’t have Vladimir Putin to kick around any more.”

The Russian President moved some figures of dogs around on his small Chinese checkers board.

“Is Donald Trump correct when he says you have all of Hillary Clinton’s emails?” Belvedere asked as he checked the text messages on his ghost of a Samsung Galaxy phone (which was foreseen in that boys’ book from the 1970s entitled Tom Swift and The Galaxy Ghosts).

“He is,” Putin replied as he visualized how the people of Russia would react if he as leader of the Russian motherland started wearing red spider monkey fur on the bald spot on his head.

“So why haven’t you released those emails yet?” Belvedere queried, “Or are you happy at the prospect of a Hillary Clinton Presidency?”.

Putin spat the samovar made tea out of his mouth at the suggestion. The tea hit the computer screen.

Putin rang a bell and a Kremlin valet appeared with a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Cleaning Stain Remover to wipe and clean the screen.

“The reason why I haven’t released those emails yet is because the American people have a short attention span,” Putin replied as he looked at an Andy Warhol autographed can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup from the 1960s.

“I don’t quite follow,” Belvedere batted his ghostly white salamander eyelashes at the Russian leader in a quizzical fashion.

Putin, after he had seen this,googled the question Do salamanders have eyelashes? on his smart phone.

As Putin read the lengthy article on the topic in Wikipedia that was written by one of Harvard’s top amphibianologists, he explained to Belvedere, “If If I release those emails now, the American people will have forgotten them come Election Day. They will be distracted by some other subject such as perhaps an NFL Tight End who says he’ll no longer masturbate when the tune to America The Beautiful is played. However if I I release those emails on the Friday before the Tuesday November Presidential Election, the outrage caused will ensure Hillary’s overwhelming defeat. And then Donald Trump will owe me a huge favour.”

Putin then sat down and played a series of chess matches against the ghost of the late Bobby Fischer- chess matches of which Russia’s Supreme Leader won every game.

Belvedere was impressed.

A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 30th
2016.

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40 Comments

  1. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    I knew it!!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, your knowledge of the world geopolitical situation led you to the same conclusion, Nicholas my friend. 🙂

  2. Natasha Pea said,

    LOL!

  3. Hyperion said,

    LOL! It appears Sherrielock’s special touch has made it all the way to the Kremlin. Those Kazakh Dragon sisters can kick a butt and with Sherrielock’s mentorship, Medvedev’s tomatoed buns are in for a rough time.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, indeedy. 🙂

      Sherrielock and the Kazakh Dragon Sisters will give Medvedev a lesson in geopolitics and statesmanship he’ll never forget.

      He’ll be one individual who’ll be standing no matter what national anthem is played. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Bwaaa haaa haaa! Medvedev the red-butt statesman, had a very shiny tush, and all the other statesmen, used to laugh and make him blush…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        ROTFLMFAO! 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Tis the season 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Black silk fishnet stockings were hung by the chimney with care. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Not a concubine was stirring as old Yeltsin fell down the stairs.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Tomatoed buns for all and to all, a good swat. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Bwaa haa haaa! So many buns in need of a swat and Sherrielock can’t be everywhere at once. She needs a staff of swatters. 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        We should start holding auditions for Sherrie’s legion of swatters. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        We could do it like the auditions for the singing competitions. Travel to every major city and rent the coliseum to hold the masses. We could start with a legion of swatters and later develop a Corp made up of 9 legions. That should give us enough swatters to make sure everyone gets what they deserve. 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, 9 legions of swatters- whacking the world back into civility. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Whackity-Whack if you don’t behave, we’ll be back. 😉

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Our cat o’ nine tails have such fun
        giving you a tomatoed bun. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        And if you wiggle your Derriere, our cat o’ nine tails will be right there.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And if you’re a politician seeking fame,
        we’ll make you say our name.

      • Hyperion said,

        We’ll tomato your buns into a flame…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        … from a whip wielding dominatrix dame!

      • Hyperion said,

        Those tender buns, she will tame

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Your butt will feel quite lame.

      • Hyperion said,

        And the glow at night from tomatoed buns will simply drive you insane.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        You’ll feel it even in the pouring rain.

      • Hyperion said,

        Oh, say her name, say her name, tomatoing buns is her game.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Your buns will never be the same, be the same…

      • Hyperion said,

        Cause Sherrielock and Cherrielock are a gang and your glowin’ buns will be the bang. They’re gonna whip it. Whip it good.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The little whips that could, that could.

      • Hyperion said,

        Grab those ankles, you should, you should.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Can you survive? Knock wood, knock wood.

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        And the toxic mushroom Songs are played in the Background with the whipping goes with it! Very Mush-Roomy! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Mushroom songs and whipped tomatoed buns!

        S & M and psychedelics!

        Buttocks meet weltex!

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        Oh yes!
        The new track on “The 50 Shades of Mush-roomies” LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        50 Shades of Mush-roomies!

        A whippingly good tale. LOL !

    • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

      Yes, it is available the whole wide world right now. Everywhere the Mushrooms reigned the universe. Where ever you turn your head too, every where are mushrooms! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Mushrooms, mushrooms everywhere
        your mind’s now lost…. unaware!

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        Mushrooms does dominates this world with its miracle secrets of Eternal life. But very toxic. It can be found in every Woods! LOL Beware of the … Un-Aware! hehehe …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Beware of Donald Trump. 😀

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