Enduroman: A Poem

September 6, 2016 at 4:05 pm (books, Comic Books, Culture, Humour, Poetry, Science-Fiction) (, , , , , , )

Enduroman: A Poem

(written for my friend Stephen R. creator of the great comic book hero Enduroman)

Spider-Man and Superman all come to a crawl
and feel like they’ve hit the proverbial brick wall
when they come against the mighty Enduroman
who’s sometimes shirtless to pick up a cosmic tan

His real name is Matt Larson
he’s no axe-wielding Johnny Carson
his feats of strength and endurance will leave you amazed
but you’ll live unlike a Swiss villa at the End of Days

In C.I.O. * Headquarters beneath the Calgary Tower
he was zapped with Neuma Energy’s power
He was a shirtless early riser to the task
he was zapped while the Prof enjoyed a flask
and while Turnbull enjoyed his whisky and gin
Matt’s DNA was altered beyond that of the Man of Sin.

To Prof Turnbull’s surprise
emerged from the chamber before his very eyes
and while Mustard Seed clients ended up a fried flash in the pan
Matt Larson survived to become Enduroman.

And when the UFO Alien Hordes attacked the Earth
while Amelia Edwards pondered the circumstances that led to birth
the alien hordes destroyed everything in Earth’s Midnight Hour
The only thing that survived was the Calgary Tower.

Enduroman endured, Matt Larson survived
minus Dale Carnegie’s chapter on honey from the bee hive
But since the Public Library was now gone
his fine would not amount to an arm and a song

Enduroman was as mad as Hell
and while looking for a new planet to dwell
he encountered an archon from the Council of Nine
The Supreme Council of the Universe- so puffed up and fine
and what was the name of this pompous seemingly friendly archon?
Tremble ye mortals and shake at the name- for it is Zargon.

Zargon sent Enduroman off to complete many a task
and then teleported elsewhere to sit on his ass
he sent the Enduroman to search for the Five Pieces of the Pyramid of Power
although Matt occasionally took a coffee break in the Calgary Tower.

Supremacy, Dagon, Vulcanus and Gorkon the Enduroman fought
while Zargon sat and smoked the best of cosmic pot.

The Five Pieces of the Pyramid of Power were then gathered
and the prism that was Prison Planet for earthlings was eventually scattered
Amelia Edwards did survive
like honey from cosmic bee hive
Matt Larson took a lick and much more
he got to the bottom of this Eve’s apple core.

Amelia Edwards had been waiting for a millennium to up and come
and Matt was more than happy to beat the drum
He relubricated her plumbing inside and out
and being Enduroman he did not succumb to gout.

But word reached Zargon of Matt’s great new piece of tail
and the old archon felt like a tired beached whale
He’d send Matt to avenge the alien hordes’ destruction of the Blue Planet Earth
and give Amelia his own lessons in what sets in motion the circumstances of birth

Now Hogarthe was the mastermind behind the alien horde
Destroying planets was what he did when he got bored
Hogarthe- yes that’s Hogarth with an “e”
No cartoonist comic strip artist was he
rather an Apollyon Abaddon style destroyer he wanted to be

So Hogarthe went in search of Unix
while Matt served as Amelia’s horned cornucopia
how does this tale end you may well ask
as Matt and Amelia enjoy their great piece of ass
well write Marvel or DC to publish Stephen R.’s great comic book
and these questions that plague you will be let off the hook.

–A poem written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd 2016
inspired by Stephen R.’s
great but unpublished
comic book


  1. Bioman aka Microman said,

    Phew! Long one tonight! Greeat! (PS How are the books doing and do you know any publishers who would accept four chapters against an advance?)

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Sadly sales of my book seem to have crawled to a stand still.

      And sadder still, I don’t know any publishers who would accept four chapters against an advance.

      • Bioman aka Microman said,

        Sorry to here that on both counts. Hope it gets better for you. B

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks my friend.

        Yes, living in a homeless shelter is definitely no place to be.

        Especially for someone who doesn’t drink or have a drug addiction problem like me.

        I feel quite out of place there.

      • Bioman aka Microman said,

        Crikey – I am thankful for my Council flat, but not to the government. Please take care.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’m trying my best.

        3 weeks ago, some nutcase woke me up in the middle of the night by tapping on my feet on my mat and telling me that he was going to stab me in the shower.

        Then some Jewish drug dealer (who’s probably only in the shelter to sell drugs- I often wonder where some of those homeless people get their money to buy drugs- surely begging doesn’t bring in that much) and a few of his cohorts say they’re going to throw me in the river and hold me under.

        I’m hoping I get out of that place alive.

        It would certainly help if some landlord would rent me a room.

        Social Services is offering to pay for it since I now have a doctor’s certificate sighting my inability to work due to my severe depression.

        But because I’m homeless (only because I couldn’t find a job for 18 months not because I’m an alcoholic or drug addict like many in the shelter), most landlords look at me with the stereotypes most people look at homeless people (although there are quite a number of assholes in the shelter who reinforce that stereotype).

      • Bioman aka Microman said,

        This is taking the starving artist image too far. I too have been closed to moving into a shelter along with all the financial stuff that goes with it and brother I did not like the idea. I’m on disability and Social Services came thru. I hope someone can do something to break the trap you find yourself in.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’m hoping so too.

      • Bioman aka Microman said,

        Tonight I had a tin of peaches for dinner… 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Sounds good. 🙂

  2. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    * C.I.O. -Canadian Intelligence Organization – Canada’s ultra secret intelligence service and top secret research organization – a Canadian equivalent and combination of the American CIA and DARPA minus the crew cuts, suits and ties and the Men Who Stare At Goats.

    The C.I.O. is located 20 stories below the Calgary Tower on 9th Avenue and Center Street in downtown Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

    The location of the C.I.O. was revealed to comic book artist Stephen R. back in 2008 by Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander who was in town to see the Calgary Stampede, wear a white Stetson hat and drink whisky.

    Stephen was able to see Belvedere after eating a dozen pieces of Sherrie De Valeria’s Bavarian Magic Mushroom Pie.

    Later the existence of the C.I.O. and its top secret location was revealed to be true by both Julian Assange and Edward Snowden.

    Interestingly enough in what has to be one of the biggest coincidences in all recorded history, both Snowden’s and Assange’s confirmation of Stephen R. ‘s story occurred after both men had sampled Sherrie De Valeria’s Bavarian Magic Mushroom Pie.

  3. Hyperion said,

    Awesome epic poem there, Chris. Where does one happen upon an issue of Enduroman? Inquiring inquirers want to know. 😀

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Stephen showed me his Enduroman comic books a week ago today.

      It was a series of 5 comic books he wrote and drew back in 2008.

      The guy’s an artistic genius. He has a totally unique and captivating style of drawing.

      And a great sense of humour in some of the scenes he wrote and drew.

      Sadly his work is still unpublished.

      When future historians wonder what was the collective IQ of western civilization like in the first 20 years of the 21st Century, astute historians will point out that a certain comic book artist and a certain vampire novelist were forced to live in a homeless shelter during the summer of 2016. Meanwhile Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were their respective party nominees for the U.S. Presidency.

      • Hyperion said,

        He could convert them to a very good ebook on ibooks which has it’s own authoring tool to make high end professional products unlike the turd Amazon Kindlebooks.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Hm. I’ll have to tell him about that. ibooks eh?

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, the free authoring tool is top notch. Perfect for graphics intense work.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ll have to let him know about it. 🙂

      • Hyperion said,

        Maybe he can make use of it.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I hope he can. 🙂

  4. ladyhawk87 said,

    I like the way your mind works. Unusual. Look forward to reading more of your work.

  5. shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

    In a way I might say Enduroman sounds like the ONE that may sit of the Game of Throne – throne, you know. An unknown Hero emerged from nowhere, to be Born different and so Original.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That’s wonderfully put, Sherrie. 🙂

      I’ll tell my friend Steve that.

      That you think Enduroman is the one prophecied in Game of Thrones- an unknown hero to emerge from nowhere- to be born different and so original.

      By the way, Sherrie, didn’t you tell me once that when you were a little girl growing up, in one of your Church classes you gave the priest an explanation of what you thought the Trinity was which totally astounded him?

      I thought you did if I remember correctly.

      And I remember thinking at the time, that’s the best explanation of the Trinity I’ve ever heard.

      My friend Steve right now is having trouble with understanding the doctrine of the Trinity.

      But I can’t remember your explanation.

      If you can recall it, that would be great.

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        Yes, I think I did explained about the Holy Trinity to you. But not sure which one are those. I did argued a lot with the priest in our church … bad Sherry! LOL

        I will look up to it soon and explain to your friend Steve there. 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks, Sherrie. 🙂

  6. Archita said,

    Beautiful stuff!

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