Halloween Is The Scene: A Poem

October 31, 2016 at 3:32 pm (Children's Story, Fantasy, Folklore, Ghost Story, Poetry) (, , )

Halloween Is The Scene: A Poem

Halloween is the scene
pumpkins orange, Martians green
from headless horseman to flying witch
to skull and crossbones lying in the ditch
It’s a very macabre night
designed to give one lots of fright
ghosts and goblins and ghouls galore
Candies and apples handed out at the door
In the graveyard, not a soul can be found
only the spectre of a giant hound
Sherlock Holmes is now on the scene
and Moriarty is turning green
he’s eaten too much candy trick or treating
and now he’s purging his insides, his heart still beating
Count Dracula stands and laughs
while Frankie and Wolfman are taking baths
Happy Halloween and to all a good night
your horror movie bill is quite the fright!

-A Halloween poem
written by Christopher
Monday October 17th
2016.

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Haiku About The Great Pumpkin

October 29, 2016 at 3:16 pm (Children's Story, Comic Books, Folklore, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , )

Haiku About The Great Pumpkin

Lives in pumpkin patch
rises on Halloween night
Linus alone sees

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Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

October 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm (Film, Horror, Literature, Movies, Mystery/horror, Short stories, Short Story, Television, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

It was an old movie from the 1930s on television. Johnson had heard of the film The Pit and The Pendulum based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe.

But he wasn’t familiar with the 1930s version. He had only heard of a movie version from the 1960s with Vincent Price.

But this 1930s version was totally new to him and here he was a big classic horror movies fan. The Pit and The Pendulum from 1936 with Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.

Try as he might, he could not recall Karloff and Lugosi ever making such a film. Lugosi had made The Black Cat with Karloff. He had made The Raven. He had made Murders In The Rue Morgue. All based on works by Poe.

But Johnson had never heard of Lugosi doing a movie version of Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum. Much less one made with Boris Karloff.

But when he flipped through the channels on his new High Definition Home Theatre sized TV, there it was listed on TCM – The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

Five minutes ahead of the program starting, Johnson had googled the film The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

But he found no information about it which was strange.

He put on the TV tuned to TCM. TCM host Robert Osborne began the introduction to the film with his trademark classic line, “Hi, I’m Robert Osborne.”

“Yeah? Tell me something I don’t know, Robert,” Johnson remarked sarcastically.

“All right,” Osborne answered him from the screen, “You’re an obnoxious self-centered arrogant egotistical prick.”

“What?” Johnson was astounded.

“Tonight’s film is a relatively unknown one. In fact, most people don’t even know it was made,” Osborne explained.

“You can say that again,” Johnson scratched his stomach and belched.

“I’d rather not, you uncouth slob,” Osborne smiled at the camera.

“What?” Johnson was again astounded.

“That’s because this film was made privately for a San Francisco based Chinese millionaire called Sun Wong,” Osborne elaborated, “who wanted his own private film with Lugosi and Karloff that the rest of the world wouldn’t be able to see.”

“Wong huh?” Johnson scratched his head.

“That’s right, Wong,” Osborne chuckled, “please excuse the pun.”

“Pun?” Johnson scratched his head again.

“Try not to think about it too hard, you pea-brained bozo,” Osborne again smiled at the camera, “We don’t want you putting too much strain on your little head now, will we?”.

“What the fuck?” Johnson gazed at the screen.

“No more for you,” Osborne saluted the camera, “from 1936, The Pit and The Pendulum with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.”

The movie was extremely scary, Johnson found. Usually most horror films from the 1930s he laughed at finding them somewhat corny by today’s standards.

But this one had Johnson gripping the edge of his chair.

When Lugosi had Karloff chained to the flat rock in the pit of his dungeon and the pendulum started swinging down on the latter, Lugosi laughed an evil sinister laugh.

“Wow, this is great,” Johnson thought as he reached for some more popcorn.

“May I call you Johnson?” Lugosi asked Karloff.

“Johnson?” Johnson stopped eating his popcorn.

“You are a dirty filthy little rat who cheated on me with my best friend,” Lugosi continued.

“Is this a gay Lugosi/Karloff film?” Johnson wondered to himself.

“No,” Bela Lugosi metamorphosed into the noted 1930s Asian-American actress Anna May Wong.

As the film changed from black and white into colour, Miss Wong wore a golden dragon emblazoned Asiatic style red dress slit up the sides showing lovely and shapely pantyhose clad legs that were accentuated by red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

“My God,” Johnson suddenly noted the resemblance, “she looks like…”

“That’s right, you cheating bastard,” Miss Wong exclaimed.

Suddenly Johnson found his hands handcuffed to the chair, ropes came out of the back of the chair and tied him up. The chair went backwards and Johnson found himself looking up at the ceiling where a rather large pendulum started swinging down towards him.

Miss Wong stepped out from the TV screen.

Johnson had indeed noted for the very first time the resemblance between the 1930s actress Anna May Wong and his ex-girlfriend Charlotte April Wong.

“Don’t piss off a Dragon Sister,” Miss Wong screamed as a dragon breathed fire from the top of the ceiling above the pendulum.

As the pendulum came down within a quarter inch of his throat and neck, Johnson thought this probably answered his buddy Tom’s question, “Why would your ex buy you a 72 inch screen high definition TV when you cheated on her in such a cruel fashion?”.

Johnson would never get the chance to answer Tom’s question as the pendulum cut off his head.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Saturday October 1st
2016.

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Hillary’s War Chest

October 26, 2016 at 4:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Hillary’s War Chest

Just on the off chance her many numbered bank accounts around the world might be tracked down and discovered, Hillary had her own personal chest (that had once belonged to the Caribbean pirate Blackbeard) containing some of the millions of dollars she had received from corrupt Third World dictators around the globe.

One dictator who had neglected to donate to Hillary was Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and of course now he was paying the price.

Hillary was now running her hands through all the cold hard cash that was in her personal war chest.

“Money, money, money,” Hillary sang the popular ABBA song from the 1970s.

She then shattered all the champagne glasses with her rendition of Madonna’s “We are living in a material world and I am a material girl…”

At that moment Bill Clinton walked in.

“Bill,” Hillary shrieked, “don’t walk in without knocking. I thought you were a reporter for the National Enquirer for a second and here I was counting some of the millions I’ve got through the Clinton Foundation. You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Speaking of the National Enquirer,” Bill grinned, “did you hear that ET gray Gali- Gula who appeared on Coast To Coast AM with George Noory last night say that you can now tell how bad the American news media has become when the National Enquirer is now the only news media outlet you can really trust to tell the truth?”.

“That’s fascinating, Bill,” Hillary glared at him, “but what were you doing coming in without knocking?”.

“Well to be honest, I didn’t think you were going to be in here, ” Bill answered.

“Oh no?” Hillary put her hands on her hips, “who’d you think would be in here? I noticed that hot looking young campaign intern was here when I first came in. Were you expecting her?”.

“Uh… no, I wasn’t,” Bill felt his nose to make sure it wasn’t growing bigger like Pinocchio’s.

“You really should check other parts of your anatomy to make sure they aren’t growing bigger when I mention hot young interns, Bill,” Hillary gave Bill the dark-eyed look of Hecate.

Bill looked down and then protested, “But still, I’m no Donald Trump when it comes to sexually harassing women.”

“No, you’re a Bill Clinton,” Hillary answered, “which is worse.”

“But you’ve never said that publicly,” Bill protested.

“No, I had that particular question thrown out when the moderator leaked it to me ahead of time,” Hillary answered.

Meanwhile in the Set Enterprises laboratory in London, Renfield R. Renfield was enjoying the scene that genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo was picking up through remote viewing of the Clinton Campaign Headquarters- the scene that Michelangelo was transferring to Renfield’s computer through his psychic lobster antennae.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 25th
2016.

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Haiku About Saint Crispin’s and Saint Crispinian’s Day and The Battle of Agincourt

October 25, 2016 at 2:56 pm (Literature, Plays, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Saint Crispin’s and Saint Crispinian’s Day and The Battle of Agincourt

Henry V led them
Inspires with stirring speech
this blest happy few

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A Renfieldian TV Commercial

October 24, 2016 at 4:32 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

A Renfieldian TV Commercial

A London advertising agency was once again holding its Best Written TV Commercial contest and once again Renfield R. Renfield would be submitting one of his entries.

He had called Amadeus downstairs to read him his Commercial masterpiece.

Once again Amadeus approached to listen with both tea and trepidation.

Renfield read the commercial he had written:

Bald Guy (in white suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Another Bald Guy (in black suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Woman (in black dress addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald-Headed Dog (addressing camera): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Guy (in white suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Another Bald Guy (in black suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald Woman (in black dress): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald-Headed Dog: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Marble Headed Bust of A Bald Karl Marx (speaking): Bald headed people of the world unite! The classless hairless society has arrived.

Announcer: Yes, my follicle challenged friends, equal opportunity has arrived. There is now a shampoo for bald people- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. Now enjoy the same lathering rinse on your head that your fully follicled friends currently enjoy.

1st Bald Headed Guy (now lathering with Abernathy’s): It controls my dandruff for days.

2nd Bald Headed Guy (lathering with Abernathy’s): Now my girlfriend doesn’t mind running her fingers through my head.

Bald Headed Woman (after lathering with Abernathy’s): It makes my head shiny and manageable. Notice the bounce when I shake my head.

Bald-Headed Dog (getting lathered with Abernathy’s by his owner): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): That golden glow my head now shows is really noticed and appreciated by the bitches in heat down at the park.

Announcer: Yes, you baldies out there, there is now a shampoo for you- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People.

Bald-Headed Guy With Glasses (standing on a house sidewalk with his back towards the street): Hello, I’m Dr. Benjamin Abernathy the inventor of Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. I’m here to tell you about my exciting new product. (A white coloured van with the large lettering CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE pulls up behind him) I hope you’re as excited about my new product as I am. (Two guys in white jackets and white pants get out of the van). I was tired of seeing all my friends with hair shampooing their heads in the shower which is why I’ll be appearing in court next week on charges of voyeurism but that’s another story. Instead if you order Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now, I’ll send you a free Abernathy Comb For Bald People (the two men in white jackets grab Dr. Abernathy) as well as a free Abernathy Brush For Bald People. (One of the men in white jackets opens the back of the white van) Phone our operators now and I’ll send in a Free Blow Dry and Curling Kit For Bald People. (The men in white jackets throw Dr. Abernathy into the padded cell at the back of the van and close the back door marked CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE).

Announcer: Yes, friends, get your Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now. Before they come to get you.

. . .

Renfield looked at Amadeus, “So Amadeus, what do you think?”.

Amadeus sat there, holding his cup of tea half-way to his lips, frozen in space and time, an expression of total shock on his face.

“Well?” Renfield prodded again.

“What,” Amadeus asked quietly, “is the phone number for that CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE?”.

“Why do you ask?” Renfield gazed suspiciously at Amadeus.

-A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian TV
Commercial
written by Christopher
Sunday October 23rd
2016.

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Renfield Meets Prince Charles

October 22, 2016 at 4:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Prince Charles

Renfield R. Renfield had been called in to meet H.R.H. The Prince of Wales to discuss the latest failed peace treaty between Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and his opponents.

A memorandum of understanding that Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had put together between the various parties (on a secret diplomatic mission for the British government) had collapsed thanks to help from Renfield R. Renfield.

Prince Charles was meeting Renfield to see if something could be done to rectify the situation.

As Renfield waited for His Highness inside the waiting room at Clarence House, he broke into a little song and ditty he had written and composed himself a few years back,

“Oh, I’m Charles Prince of Wales,
I’ve got plenty of tails
to help keep the women afloat…”

“Ahem,” a cough came from behind Renfield.

Renfield turned.

It was Charles Prince of Wales.

“Your Highness,” said Renfield, “I didn’t hear you come in…”

“Throw that bum out of here,” Charles directed his servants.

“But Your Highness,” Renfield protested.

Too late.

Renfield was thrown out of Clarence House.

Meanwhile Russian President Vladimir Putin was deploying the largest naval force since the end of the Cold War.

All headed towards Syria.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 22nd
2016.

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Magog’s Treaty

October 21, 2016 at 3:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Magog’s Treaty

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was back from a secret diplomatic mission on behalf of the British government.

He had managed to obtain a memorandum of understanding between the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and the non-ISIS opponents of Assad.

British Prime Minister Theresa May was hopeful this would end the Syrian Civil War.

Magog passed off the final writing of the treaty to a close acquaintance Renfield R. Renfield.

Copies of the treaty were faxed to all parties.

The call came into 10 Downing Street.

Not one of the parties would sign the treaty because they couldn’t read it.

A disappointed Mrs. May phoned Magog Rhys Petley.

Magog in turn phoned Renfield.

“They won’t sign the treaty because they claim they can’t read it,” said Magog.

“That is weird,” Renfield admitted, “because since I couldn’t do it myself, I got my pharmacist to write up the treaty.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 21st
2016.

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Netanyahu and Dr. Cadbury Rocher

October 20, 2016 at 4:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Netanyahu and Dr. Cadbury Rocher

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was on the telephone with Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

“Dr. Rocher, the entire state of Israel is grateful that you have managed to come up with an antidote to Polonium-210 poisoning,” Netanyahu said, “it has saved the life of one of our best Mossad agents the Controller of the Golem. Although we have put out the word he died so as to throw the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith off the scent.”

“You’re very welcome, Mr. Prime Minister,” Dr. Rocher helped himself to some kosher popcorn,”of course I’d use the antidote on anyone for the right price.”

“Yes, I know you would, Dr. Rocher, ” Netanyahu acknowledged, “of course the State of Israel could not afford your price. So I had to put in an emergency call to Baron Rothschild. He was somewhat miffed but agreed to put up the appropriate shekels. Although he was angry about having to cancel this month’s annual masquerade party sex orgy on his estate that was so carefully re-enacted in Stanley Kubrick’s 1999 film Eyes Wide Shut which resulted in Kubrick’s sudden death 4 days after he showed the final cut to Warner Brothers Pictures. The Baron couldn’t afford to pay both your fee and the cost of hosting this year’s party. Both the ET gray Gali-Gula (who’s possessed by the spirit of Roman Emperor Caligula ) and Renfield R. Renfield are quite miffed that the party has been cancelled I understand.”

“Yes, Renfield has really been bitching about it the past few days,” Dr. Rocher sighed, “he was looking forward to having his buns tomatoed by Sherrielock Holmes who’d be wearing the jade mask of the Buddhist mother goddess Kwan Yin as she did it.”

“Yes, well, Kubrick would probably have a field day with that one if he were still alive,” the Prime Minister thanked Rocher again and put the phone down.

Netanyahu sighed.

He too had been looking forward to this year’s annual Rothschild masquerade party sex orgy.

Meanwhile in New York City, Hillary’s husband Bill Clinton was openly blubbering and sobbing over the cancellation of this year’s annual Rothschild masquerade party sex orgy.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 20th
2016.

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Michelangelo’s Psychic Visions For October 19th 2016

October 19, 2016 at 2:39 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Psychic Visions For October 19th 2016

Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster was in his aquarium where a bunch of psychic visions were entering his mind as he slept…

Hillary Clinton (addressing a group of cheering supporters in the New York Times Editorial Board Room): I promise my first act as President of the United States will be to nuke Vladimir Putin’s Russia…

Joe Biden (on an interview show): Vladimir Putin should not interfere in our election by saying he prefers Trump.
Russia’s leader should not be allowed to interfere in other countries’ elections.
What’s good enough for George Soros and us is not good enough for Vladimir Putin and the Russians…

Odoacer (in the year 476 AD): It’s time to put an end to the Western Roman Empire once and for all…

Vladimir Putin (in the year 2016): It’s time to put an end to the American Empire once and for all…

(Michelangelo woke up from his dreams in a sweat despite the fact that he was already submerged in salt water)

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 19th
2016.

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