Sherrielock Holmes Off To The Mermaid Art Exhibit

January 19, 2017 at 1:36 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“You look wonderful, great-grandmother,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher kissed Sherrielock Holmes on the cheek.

“Thank you, Cadbury,” Sherrielock smiled at the compliment.

“Have you seen the photos of my genetically created winged horse Pegasus that I have put up on Facebook?” Dr. Cadbury Rocher proudly asked.

“How can I not help but notice when you keep posting pics every two minutes,” Sherrielock sighed, “I finally had to cut off your news feed.”

“You cut off my Facebook news feed?” Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked horrified, “Great-Grandma,how could you do that?”.

“Oh stop pouting, Cadbury,” Sherrielock commanded, “or I’ll have to give you a spanking.”

Dr. Cadbury Rocher stopped pouting.

The resident mad scientist for Set Enterprises did have quite the evil side. Of course that was to be expected working for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (whose claim to fame was bodily dismembering his brother Osiris) and for being a co-employee of the notorious Renfield R. Renfield (whose claim to fame was being a lecherous horny horndog as well as being a notoriously bad artist, musician, songwriter, composer of operas and musicals and symphony orchestra conductor) as well as being a co-employee of Amadeus Emanon (whose claim to fame was driving several of London’s all you can eat buffet restaurants into bankruptcy).

Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s evil side could be traced back to his great great grandfather Professor James Moriarty- yes THAT Prof. James Moriarty who was Sherlock Holmes’ arch enemy.

Prof. Moriarty had had a brief fling with a beautiful young French woman Mademoiselle Isabelle Gabrielle Rocher. When Gabrielle told the leading mathematician and criminal mastermind that she was pregnant with his child, Prof. Moriarty announced that he had left one of his suitcases back in South America on a recent trip he took there.

The mathematician and criminal mastermind hurriedly booked passage on a ship bound for South America. For some reason though, he never did return to France leaving Mademoiselle Isabelle Gabrielle Rocher to raise her son Louis as a single mother. Instead Moriarty wound up back in England where he was to later incur the enmity of Sherlock Holmes (the better known twin brother of Sherrielock Holmes).

Thus Dr. Cadbury Rocher had both Holmes and Moriarty blood running through his veins.

“So how is Pegasus doing these days?” Sherrielock asked.

“Well he’s actually having trouble learning how to fly,” Dr. Rocher confessed, “so I’ve hired a sparrow to teach him how to fly.”

“Well I suppose that’s better than hiring an ostrich to teach him how to fly,” Sherrielock quipped.

As Sherrielock and Cadbury pulled up in their limousine to The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery, both happened to notice the Greek god Apollo (whom Dr. Cadbury Rocher had recently brought back from the dead) enter the gallery carrying his lyre.

“It looks like Apollo will be playing his lyre at the Mermaid Art Exhibit,” Cadbury stated.

“I wonder,” Sherrielock reflected, “if such divine music will bring the mermaids to life and cause them to emerge out from the canvas of their paintings.”

“Oh God, I certainly hope so,” a former DARPA employee from the southern United States remarked as he entered the gallery for the Charmaine Olivia Exhibit.

A barking otter followed the former DARPA employee into the gallery.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 9th
2017.

The lovely Isabelle Gabrielle Rocher abandoned by the evil Prof. James Moriarty for a lost piece of luggage in South America.

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Sherrielock Holmes Invited To Mermaid Art Exhibit

January 17, 2017 at 10:56 am (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes was wearing an exquisite turquoise evening dress. She had been invited to an exhibition of paintings of mermaids done by artist Charmaine Olivia at a new London art gallery- The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.

Her escort for this evening would be her great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher. Of course she would not be introduced as Cadbury’s great-grandmother at the Exhibit Opening Night Party. People might talk.

For Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ lesser-known twin sister) had turned immortal one fine day back in the 1890s when she had eaten a special blend of Lingzhi Supernatural Mushrooms prepared for her by her boyfriend later husband Dr. Louis Rocher (who was Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s great-grandfather).

Sadly her love Dr. Louis Rocher did not prepare and eat a bunch of Lingzhi Supernatural Mushrooms for himself. For whatever reason, he decided to wait to eat the mushroom elixir of life. When the Great War (later known as the First World War) broke out in 1914, Dr. Louis Rocher (who was himself a French citizen) was recruited to work as a research scientist for the British Defense Department preparing Weapons of Mass Destruction to be used against the Kaiser’s Germany and its allies.

The German Intelligence Service hired an American named Bush (this was prior to America’s entry in the war as an opponent of Germany) to search for Dr. Louis Rocher’s Weapons of Mass Destruction but he was unable to find them.

Never one to say die, Bush took the Deutschemarks anyways and returned home to the United States where he opened up a couple of businesses- the Mother of All Drunkards’ Pub and the Baghdad Cafe. Rumour had it that Bush sired a family of U.S. politicians who were about as equally successful at finding Weapons of Mass Destruction in the future.

When Dr. Louis Rocher’s numerous childhood friends died as soldiers fighting in the trenches of France, Dr. Rocher decided to come out from the safety of a British government laboratory and join the fighting himself.

He first tried to join the French Army but was turned down for having lived so many years in Britain. He then tried to join the British Army but was turned down for having been born and raised in France.

Finally Dr. Louis Rocher was able to join the newly formed RAF where he served as a fighter pilot. Dr. Rocher ended up being shot down and killed by the Red Baron aka Baron Manfred von Richthofen in April 1918.

As Dr. Rocher’s Sopwith Camel went streaming down in flames towards the ground, the scientist-fighter pilot lamented, “Poor Sherrie. I guess I really should have eaten those mushrooms after all when I had the chance.”

Baron von Richthofen happened to overhear Dr. Rocher’s remarks as he flew by.

“Gee,” the Red Baron thought to himself, “those must have been awfully tasty mushrooms if they were the last thing on his mind before he left this Earth.”

A day later, the Red Baron in his scarlet coloured Fokker Triplane was wondering to himself where he could purchase those tasty mushrooms that had so gripped the final thoughts of his French RAF opponent.

The Baron was so distracted by his thoughts of mushrooms dancing in his head that he neglected to notice the Canadian pilot on his tail.

Von Richthofen ended up being shot down and killed himself.

“It looks like that will have been the last plate of sauerkraut and eggs and sausage that I’ll ever have,” the Red Baron contemplated his final breakfast as he went down.

Sherrielock Holmes was absolutely devastated when she heard the news of her husband Louis’ death. She was so upset that Sherrielock who was a dominatrix by profession ended up thoroughly tomatoing the buttocks of one of her clients British Prime Minister David Lloyd George when he came calling.

It was quite the long interval before Lloyd George took his seat in the British House of Commons again.

And so with thoughts of Lloyd George’s tomatoed bottom and mermaids’ fishy tails and “what a lovely pair of coconuts” human female tops, Sherrielock sat by the door and waited for her great-grandson and evening escort Dr. Cadbury Rocher to show up in the family limousine.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 7th
2017.

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Pope Francis Gets A Letter From The Ex-Gorgon Medusa

January 14, 2017 at 1:32 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis was in his bed reading The Communist Manifesto and The Collected Writings of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin as well as a new book Towards Better Ecumenical Relations With The Jehovah’s Witnesses (which was written by a Brooklyn Jesuit).

“Holy Father…” one of his aides entered the room.

“Please call me Francis,” Francis directed.

“Francis…” his aide suddenly changed his train of thought, “You haven’t been drinking have you, Holy Father?”.

“What makes you say that?” Francis looked at his aide.

“Your nose is awfully red,” his aide pointed at it.

“Oh, that,” Francis felt his nose and pulled off a red clown nose, “This was given to me as a gift by yet another circus troupe visiting the Vatican.”

“Oh, I see, Holy Father… I mean, Francis,” his aide corrected himself and then returned to the gist of his original thought and reason for calling on the Pope, “You’ve received yet another letter from Medusa.”

“The former Gorgon?” Pope Francis took off his glasses and stopped reading.

The former Gorgon Medusa had been brought back to life and de-Gorgonized a couple of years earlier by Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher (who had a habit of reviving all things mythological- particularly all things relating to classical Greco-Roman mythology).

Back in December 2015, Medusa had contacted Francis regarding her common law partner The Kraken (who called himself Napoleon VI) and her Medusa being crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral that month.

Medusa was worried that she might be called “a loose woman and a harlot” if she participated in the Coronation ceremony since Napoleon VI had never formally married her or even made her a proposal of marriage.

Pope Francis was unsure how to answer the question so he had passed the matter off to one of his theological advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper of Germany.

Cardinal Kasper told Medusa not to worry and to go ahead with the ceremony.

Now Medusa was contacting Francis regarding she and her husband The Kraken being able to receive Communion in a Catholic church.

She and the Kraken were now formally married, Medusa explained.

A Siberian shaman in Vladivostok had performed their marriage ceremony this past New Year’s Day.

She Medusa had converted to the Greek Orthodox Church last year and her husband The Kraken (a former atheist) had converted to both Nepalese Buddhism and the U.S. Southern Baptist Convention last year.

She was wondering if under those circumstances, she and her husband would still be eligible to receive Communion in the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis directed his aide to once again pass the question on to Cardinal Walter Kasper.

His aide bowed and left the room.

Francis once again put on his red clown nose and went to sleep fully confident that Cardinal Kasper would grant Medusa’s request for Communion in the affirmative.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 13th
2017.

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Donald Trump: Heading To The White House

January 13, 2017 at 1:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“Adolf Hitler is the most over-rated dictator ever” Donald Trump the President-elect tweeted when a New Age psychic who claimed she could channel spirits reported that Adolf Hitler’s ghost had referred to Mr. Trump’s policies as racist.

When he had finished tweeting, the President-elect went to his first press conference where he spent most of his time telling off reporters.

“You’re an idiot,” Trump said to one reporter.

“You’re a moron,” he said to another.

“You’re a total scumbag,” he blasted yet another.

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and good day,” Trump ended the press conference.

One of Trump’s aides handed Mr. Trump a mobile phone saying, “The President of Russia is on the line, Mr. President-elect.”

Trump took the mobile and put it to his ear, “Hi Vlad baby. How’s it going? You want to annex Ukraine and Georgia? (to his aide) Say, did Georgia vote for me or for Hillary? What was that, Vlad? Oh, you’re not talking about the state where Gen. Sherman made an entire southern flambe out of the City of Atlanta? The former Soviet republic on the Black Sea? Sure, go ahead. Most of its leaders- their last names I can’t pronounce plus they’re awfully difficult to spell.”

He handed the mobile back to his aide.

“I just read in the National Enquirer,” Trump spoke to another aide, “that a painting has been discovered in a Paris art gallery. It’s apparently a sixteenth century painting said to have been painted by Nostradamus and the painting reportedly shows the Vatican in Rome being burnt to the ground by Muslim invaders. I want you to find this painting for me. Get an art expert to determine if it’s genuine and if it is, buy it for me. I’d like to present it as a gift for Pope Francis.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 12th
2017

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Reflections On A Passing Phantom

January 12, 2017 at 12:33 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes sat at her chair in front of the mirror on her table and dresser.

She had just returned from a masquerade ball where she had dressed up as the Nymph of the Blue Moon.

The Nymph of the Blue Moon was a character she had read about in a movie review of a film written by a movie reviewer and film critic who couldn’t remember the name of the movie he was reviewing.

The movie the reviewer had seen on TCM (Turner Classic Movies).

It was a movie from the 1980s.

The plot of the movie was about a 1920s silent era film producer and movie director who was able to travel between past and future.

The past of course was the 1920s where he was busy writing a screenplay for a movie he intended to produce and direct.

The future was a hidden time (possibly 2017?) where he was pursued by government agents of some sinister world power (possibly the United States in the closing days of Obama and the beginning days of Trump).

His present was visiting a house on the moon where a beautiful woman with a beautiful singing voice lived.

But his present was usually always short lived and he spent more time in the past (writing his movie screenplay) or in the future (being pursued by government agents for knowing too much about world affairs).

Then one night- it was a blue moon- and when the moon was blue, his love came down to his past where he was receiving an Oscar for Best Screenplay at some Academy Awards evening in the Hollywood of the 1920s.

Reunited with his love for good, he remained in the past since he figured winning Oscars for Best Screenplay, Best Director and Best Picture was far preferable to the future where he was shot and killed by government agents for being a threat to humanity.

So she designed her own costume for what she imagined as the Nymph of the Blue Moon and wore it to the masquerade party. (The costume can be viewed at the bottom of this page:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/01/09/dracul-van-helsing-and-sherrielock-holmes-the-nymph-of-the-blue-moon-a-poem/ )

She entered the house’s White Room where she had posed for a photograph shot by an influential London banker (who was one of her most important clients of her London based dominatrix service).

As she was posing for the photo, a man dressed as the Phantom of The Opera Erik happened to enter the room.

When he saw a photo session was taking place, he turned around and left the room.

Sherrielock was totally haunted by the look of intense loneliness the man had had beneath his mask.

A loneliness that was only matched by the character of Erik the Phantom of the Opera whose costume he wore.

When he left the room, she followed him.

He left the house and the masquerade party and went back to his lonely solitary room in a London rooming house.

She stood outside the window where she heard the sound of an old phonograph being played.

It was playing an old Michael Jackson song sung by Michael Jackson when he was very young- just 14 years old.

Although Sherrielock did not realize it, the song Ben was actually the “Phantom’s” favourite Michael Jackson song.

For the song seemed to describe so well the life the “Phantom” had lived in the 6 and a half years since his father died.

She could hear the lyrics of the song through the window:

Ben, you’re always running here and there
You feel you’re not wanted anywhere…

Ben, most people would turn you away…

I’m sure they’d think again
If they had a friend like Ben…

Sherrielock turned from the house and walked down the street.

Where her tear drops mixed with the snow flakes in falling on to the pavement.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 10th
2017.

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Dracul Van Helsing and Sherrielock Holmes: The Nymph of The Blue Moon: A Poem

January 9, 2017 at 1:32 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dracul Van Helsing Canadian vampire hunter walked the streets of London
Dressed in his Philip Marlowe Private Eye style trenchcoat and fedora hat
that he always wore when he was feeling melancholy and reflective
A fan of 1940s horror, mystery, detective and film noir films
Dressing like Marlowe helped him battle his depression
The knight of Raymond Chandler’s stories
who wore not a suit of shining armour
but a private eye trenchcoat and fedora hat
when rescuing damsels in distress and battling evil and corruption
A 1940s southern California equivalent of the Spanish Don Quixote
representing knightly chivalry and ideas in ages that had long forgotten them

Now it was early January 2017
Donald Trump was about to be inaugurated President
Hillary Clinton was blaming the Russians for her electoral defeat
and satyr serial killing contract assassin Pan Goatee
was putting in excessively long hours of overtime
in his chosen vocation of making the world a more beautiful place to live
The only females who seemed to radiate any class or good taste these days
(and nights) were vampiresses
which made Dracul Van Helsing Vampire Hunter
glad that he didn’t slay vampiresses

Dracul recalled his New Year’s Eve this past stroke of midnight and year change
when he watched beautiful Assyrian women dancing
and so wished he could join them

The day after New Year’s he visited Dulcinea Lucia a gypsy fortune teller in London
to hear his future
“You shall meet an immortal,” Dulcinea Lucia told Dracul, “and you shall fall in love.”

“An immortal?” Dracul asked her, “A vampiress?”
“Not a vampiress,” Dulcinea shook her head.
“One of the goddesses of the ancient world returned to Earth perhaps?’ Dracul asked again.
“Not one of those goddesses,” Dulcinea shook her head.
“Then what sort of immortal?” Dracul asked a third question.
“I’m not sure,” Dulcinea looked puzzled and her crystal ball clouded up with the Cosmic Operator asking for more money.

Dracul declined to pay more and walked out into the wintery London night
He passed the window of a used book store
which had The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes in the window
Dracul loved Sherlock Holmes stories
The great immortal detective
Too bad that immortal didn’t have a sister who was both beautiful and brainy

Then this past evening of January 6th, Dracul had been invited to a masquerade ball
celebrating the 12th Day of Christmas
He decided to dress up as the Phantom of the Opera Erik
since these days and nights he felt as unloved as that poor creature

As he walked down the street in the falling snow, he happened to pass
Alexis Tsipras the Prime Minister of Greece
who was busy rubbing his rear end and screaming,
“My buns! Poor tomatoed buns! Will they ever lose their red rosy colour
in the light of day or the darkness of night?”

“Well, he’s been drinking too much Ouzo this evening,” Dracul thought to himself
Dracul then entered the place where the masquerade ball was being held
He wandered aimlessly through the house
until he entered a room where he saw the nymph of the Blue Moon

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 8th
2016

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The Death and Return of Apollo

January 6, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

In the year 390 AD, the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was destroyed under the Emperor Theodosius the Great who made Nicene Christianity the official state Church of the Roman Empire.

“I’m so depressed,” the Greek god Apollo had wept to the Ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Lilith could see that Apollo had a broken heart so she gave him some poisoned Babylonian grapes that were capable of killing an Olympian immortal like Apollo.

Following the death of Apollo in 390 AD, the ancient Greco-Roman religion (itself in decline for several decades now since the Emperor Constantine’s victory at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in 312 AD) rapidly died out so that there were very worshipers of the old Greco-Roman gods left by the time Theodosius himself died in 395 AD.

Zeus and the other Olympians went into the shadows and no more publicly acted in the domain of mortal men and women.

Apollo was buried on Mount Parnassus after his death but his tomb became lost to both god and man after a small quake shook Mount Parnassus.

Then in the year 2012 AD on the night of the summer solstice that year, Apollo’s tomb on Mount Parnassus was discovered by the French archaeologist vampire Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle (whose expeditions were sponsored by the Egyptian vampiress Isis) after sundown.

Apollo’s body was then flown to a medical lab in Berlin since German doctors in their pompous arrogance thought they could bring Apollo back from the dead.

They were mistaken and the medical team drowned their sorrows in gallons of sauerkraut and Bavarian beer.

Even famed South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo (famous for bringing people and animals back from the dead as zombies) could not raise Apollo.

Said Makabo, “Those poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes were quite effective in killing immortals dead… permanently.”

Dr. Sterling Makabo’s statement, even though it sounded like an ad for a TV commercial, turned out to be quite true.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was contacted on her smart phone (while shopping for high-heels and dresses in a leading Parisienne fashion house) said as far as she knew (and she had been alive for some 6000 years now even though she didn’t look a day over 30), there was no antidote to the poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes.

So in 2012, Apollo’s father Zeus grieved.

It looked like nothing could bring his son Apollo back from the dead (so only Hades alone would be able to enjoy the playing of Apollo upon his lyre).

. . .

Top 1000 National Enquirer Stories of 2016-

Top National Enquirer story #666 : Set Enterprises’ Resident Mad Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher Brings Mossad Agent The Controller of the Golem Back From The Dead After Ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith Had Poisoned Controller’s Scotch Whiskey With Polonium-210

. . .

Christmas Day 2016- The ancient Greek god Zeus paid a visit to Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to see if he could develop an antidote to the ancient Babylonian poisonous grapes that had killed Apollo.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith (wearing a lovely red evening dress) accompanied Zeus and presented Dr. Rocher with a sample of the ancient poisoned Babylonian grapes that she had fed Apollo many centuries ago to permanently end his heartbreak.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Dr. Rocher promised.

. . .

January 5th 2017 (Eve of the Epiphany on the Catholic Church calendar)-

Dr. Cadbury Rocher put the possible antidote (which he had created in the form of red wine) into a golden chalice and handed it to the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith (who was now dressed in an even more resplendent red evening dress).

Lilith took the chalice and opened the Greek god Apollo’s lips and poured the red wine antidote (to the poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes) down his throat.

Apollo sputtered and choked and opened his eyes and said, “God, that’s good stuff.”

“He’s alive,” his father Zeus shouted with joy.

. . .

January 6th 2017- It was Sherlock Holmes’ 163rd birthday and Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s beautiful and incredibly sexy great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ lesser-known twin sister) was dressed in an equally resplendent tight-fitting red leather mini dress and awaiting a European political leader.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras entered her quarters.

“Alexis,” she smiled at him and addressed him as if he were a naughty schoolboy and she his so-sexy and so strict school teacher, “I have a surprise for you. Well, two surprises actually.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 6th
2017.

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Theft In A Homeless Shelter

January 4, 2017 at 6:04 pm (Commentary, Crime, Life, Personal essays) (, )

Due to the misfortune of having rented an apartment from a whacko crazy nut job landlady/roomate, I got evicted from my apartment this past January 1st.

The past couple of nights I’ve been living in a homeless shelter in Calgary.

Last night, my iPhone was stolen from my pants pocket (while I slept with my pants on) by some individual who’s obviously a total scumbag.

Every short story, poem and vampire novel chapter I wrote the past 4 years was in the Notes section of that iPhone.

Now it’s gone. 😦

Needless to say, I’m feeling totally devastated at the moment.

-A personal essay
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 4th
2017.

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Happy New Year From Sherrielock Holmes

January 3, 2017 at 5:32 pm (Vampire novel) ()

Sherrielock Holmes wishes you Seasons Greetings and a Rosy-Cheeks New Rear... I mean... New Year

Sherlock Holmes’ immortal twin sister the legendary London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes wishes you Seasons Greetings and a Rosy-Cheeked New Rear… I mean… New Year.

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