Cardinal Maradiaga Enjoys A Brandy With The Demon Asmodeus
Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras the pompous and arrogant neo-Marxist chairman of the Vatican Council of Cardinals had spent his morning throwing darts at his picture of Raymond Cardinal Burke on his office wall.
He had now run to a Rome taverna where he was to meet the demon Asmodeus for lunch and a brandy.
The demon Asmodeus was quietly sitting at a table in the taverna smoking a cigarette.
He had a bottle of brandy in front of him.
“I hope you don’t mind, your Eminence,” Asmodeus extended his clawed reptilian hand and shook the Cardinal’s hand, “but I’ve already ordered a brandy for myself.”
“Quite all right, my dear friend Asmodeus,” the Cardinal replied, “but where’s your glass?”,
“I don’t drink from a glass,” Asmodeus laughed, “I drink straight from the bottle.”
Whereupon Asmodeus raised the bottle to his demonic lips, drank steadily and then belched.
The smell of sulphur hung steadily in the air of the taverna after Asmodeus’ belch.
“It smells like the smell after a Novus Ordo morning prayer service in my personal chapel,” Cardinal Maradiaga sniffed the air, “Simply divine.”
“I agree,” Asmodeus used his smoking middle finger to light himself another cigarette.
“Meow,” said a voice next to the table.
Cardinal Maradiaga looked down.
At his feet was Hecate’s personal pet black cat and familiar Amorous Laetitia.
Amorous Laetitia’s mistress Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft was feeling quite indisposed these days after her head was decapitated by Pan Goatee and later eaten by the Norse wolf Fenrir.
“I see Amorous Laetitia is here with us,” Cardinal Maradiaga smiled, “and she certainly has a large saucer of milk that she seems to be enjoying.”
“That’s actually a saucer of Bailey’s Irish Cream she’s drinking,” Asmodeus replied with a heavy smoker’s cough.
“I see,” Cardinal Maradiaga said.
He ordered a glass of brandy and a plate of lasagna.
He and Asmodeus then discussed their mutual concerns.
Amorous Laetitia then ordered another saucer of Bailey’s Irish Cream.
And then another.
And then another.
Soon the black cat was dancing on the tables and singing, “Roll out the barrel. We’ll have a barrel of fun.”
“I didn’t know cats had the power of speech,” said a stunned American tourist sitting at another table.
“Maybe they don’t but they certainly have a good singing voice,” said his wife who was clapping her hand and swinging her leg in rhythm to the beat.
“I didn’t know Amorous Laetitia’s drinking was going to be a problem,” Asmodeus blushed but seeing as how his face was flame Hellishly burnt, one couldn’t really tell the difference.
Meanwhile outside the taverna in the direction of the man-made lake and the trees stood the Greek goddess Artemis looking mildly amused.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 31st
2017.
Baal Walks Through His Archway In Florence Italy
“Mr. President,” an adviser spoke to Donald Trump, “we’ve just been informed that the ancient Phoenician god Baal walked through a replica archway in the city of Florence.”
“Really?” said Donald Trump who had pushed a dozen people out of his way so he could be first in line at a White House buffet smorgasboard.
“Yes, the archway which is a replica of an ancient Roman victory arch that was built in Palmyra, Syria at the end of the 2nd Century BC and was blown up by ISIS in August 2015- the replica was put up in Florence Italy over a month ago and now the Phoenician god Baal has walked through it,” said his adviser.
“What will this mean for my Presidency?” Trump asked as he got sour cream for his baked potato stuck in his hair.
“We have no idea,” said his adviser.
“Well, then get back to me when you do,” Trump fumed, “God, I hate red spider monkey fur in my baked potato.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 30th
2017.
The Vampiress Siren: A Poem
I sailed the straits on my ship of old
carrying aboard the king’s own gold
it was there I saw her on the rock amidst the waves
she who had sent many sailors to their graves
Come and taste my lips of cherry she said
licking her lips that had recently bled
I jumped into the sea and swam to the rock
thinking we’d only sit and talk
instead she grabbed me and bit my neck
I turned and saw my ship was a wreck
Said I, there goes my ship
what a way to end a trip
she then sucked my blood and I was dead
because to this vampiress siren- I lost my head.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday May 29th
2017.
Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield
Sherrielock Holmes checked her iPhone where she had just received a text message from Melania Trump asking for advice on how to properly discipline her husband so he’d cease being a bully.
The London-based professional dominatrix responded with some excellent advice.
Then she returned to her current duties as Chairwoman of yet another all candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency.
The subject of tonight’s debate was Social Solidarity In The United Kingdom.
British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield’s remark that he enjoyed eating fried mermaid with his tuna fish sandwiches hadn’t gone over so well.
One little girl immediately left the debate in tears crying to her mother, “Ariel. Poor Ariel.”
A beautiful woman wearing a very short tight skirted cream coloured mini dress got up to ask a question.
“We have so many different people fighting to be heard in this country,” said the young woman, “I ask each candidate what can we do to bring about greater social intercourse within the United Kingdom?”.
Renfield immediately jumped in to answer the question with his tongue hanging out and panting in the direction of the beautiful young woman, “Did you just ask what we can do to bring about greater sexual intercourse in the United Kingdom?”.
“Social intercourse, you idiot,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “social intercourse.”
“Well we now know where my Transhumanist opponent’s mind is,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie quipped.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 28th
2017.
Questioner At Campaign Debate: Not quite the answer she was expecting from candidate Renfield
To Kill A Vampiress
The year was 1933.
And Canadian vampire hunter Joseph Van Helsing was in Mexico City.
He was a son of the Dutch physician Dr. Abraham Van Helsing who had slain Count Dracula.
Joseph had been born in England.
His father had settled there after investigating the Dracula-inspired deaths in England and later slaying Dracula in Transylvania.
Joseph had come over to Canada on a cattle ship back in 1912 (that same cattle ship would later be used to transport Canada’s famous World War I flying ace Billy Bishop over to war in Europe).
His wife Hilda (7 years his younger) had come to Canada in 1905 as a little girl.
She too had crossed the Atlantic on a famous ship- The Carpathia.
In 1912, The Carpathia became world famous for having been the sole ship in the North Atlantic to answer the distress call of a ship that had just hit an iceberg and was sinking- the RMS Titanic.
Joseph found it ironic that his wife had sailed to Canada on The Carpathia given that his father Abraham had slain the Carpathian Mountains’ most famous resident Count Dracula.
Joseph reflected on all this as he walked the streets of Mexico City.
He was here to slay a vampiress- an Aztec princess who had been born back in the 1400s.
The Mexican government had recently become concerned about the number of bloodless victims showing up on the streets of Mexico City.
It was bad for tourism.
So they had hired Joseph Van Helsing to slay the vampiress.
Having killed all the Mexican vampire hunters in the last government persecution of the Catholic Church in Mexico during the Cristero War of the late 1920s.
Joseph Van Helsing entered the apartment building where the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec resided.
He entered the living room and then he saw her.
He did not know that vampiresses could cast a reflection.
And what a beautiful reflection it was.
Almost as beautiful as the original.
He turned to leave.
“Wait,” she whispered, “Stay with me and be my love.”
“I can’t,” said Joseph, “I’m married.”
“Oh,” Qonzilqointec sighed, “maybe someday one of your descendants will.”
Joseph left and walked out into the night.
84 years later, Dracul Van Helsing walked out of the night and into his apartment.
He checked his phone messages.
“Call me,” a woman’s voice said seductively on one of the messages.
It was the voice of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 27th
2017.
More UK Campaign Debates With Renfield
Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debate chairwoman Sherrielock Holmes (who was on loan from Sherrielock Holmes Dominatrix Services of London) had a dream last night about one of the constituency candidates Renfield R. Renfield of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.
In the dream, she saw Renfield R. Renfield on television standing in the middle of a group of people posing for a photo-op.
United States President Donald Trump strolled into the group and pushed Renfield out of the way so he’d have the center spot for the photo-op.
Renfield pulled out a gun and blew Trump’s head off.
Then Sherrielock woke up.
“Well,” Sherrielock thought to herself, “Trump never better do to Renfield what he did to Montenegro’s Prime Minister Dusko Markovic at yesterday’s NATO meeting.”
Later in the day at today’s constituency campaign debate, Sherrielock Holmes, in lieu of her dream, found Renfield’s wearing a t-shirt that said BEING A PSYCHOPATH MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY somehow appropriate.
Meanwhile during the debate itself, sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie was getting into a violent argument with the Liberal Democratic Party candidate on a point of history.
“I must remind my Conservative opponent,” said the Liberal Democrat, “that the quote with which he just wholeheartedly agreed was originally made by Germany’s Secretary To The Fuhrer who was none other than Herr Martin Bormann.”
“Interestingly enough,” Renfield R. Renfield interjected at that point, “Martin Bormann’s original last name wasn’t Bormann but he used to tell such uninteresting stories and uninteresting anecdotes at Nazi Party meetings that the Nazi Party unanimously voted to change his last name to Bormann.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 26th
2017.
A UK Election Campaign Debate Like No Other
Renfield R. Renfield was attending his first election campaign debate in the constituency where he was running- Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds. London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was serving as the debate chairwoman since both Renfield and sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie were clients of her dominatrix services.
The sponsors of the debate thought that Sherrielock could keep at least two of the six candidates running in line.
Renfield R. Renfield was of course running as the candidate for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency.
The debate would begin with each candidate giving a 5-minute speech talking about their past accomplishments in life.
Conservative MP Agathor Christie had to be cut short after 5 minutes by Sherrielock Holmes and he had only got up to talking about his first year in kindergarten.
When Renfield got up to speak, he said, “Here’s one of the many music videos I’ve made in my life which should give you an idea of my accomplishments.”
On the background screen behind the candidates, a video is then shown.
The video begins with a short clip of popular 1960s singer Nancy Sinatra singing one of her biggest hits.
Nancy Sinatra (singing very slowly and very sensuously the opening lines of one of her biggest hits):
Strawberries, cherries and an angel’s kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
ooh- summer wine…
The short clip is then followed by a film shot of Renfield R. Renfield dressed as a beautiful looking diva female drag queen wearing an exquisite tight fitting silver sequined evening dress and singing while holding a microphone.
Renfield (singing very sensuously): Strawberries, cherries and an angel’s kiss in spring…
(He breaks into a wide broad smile)
Renfield (continues to sing very sensuously): My summer behind is really made from all these things…
(He turns around and bends over showing a magnificently big tight evening dress accentuated skirted ass that would make Kim Kardashian’s grandiosely big skirted ass Instagram whammy that broke the Internet look positively microscopic by comparison)
Renfield (still singing sensuously): ooh- summer behind…
(At that point, the debate chairwoman Sherrielock Holmes sank off her chair onto the floor overcome by a huge fit of gales of laugher)
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 25th
2017.
Kim Kardashian’s Magnificent Skirted Ass: Only Renfield R. Renfield’s breaks the Internet better
A Short Rhyming Poem About Raymond Red Reddington
A Short Rhyming Poem About Raymond Red Reddington
Raymond Red Reddington is one of a very rare breed- a villain with class
he bumps off all those villains who are, by golly, a real pain in the ass!
-written by Christopher
Wednesday May 24th
2017
Hate’s Attack On Manchester: A Poem
Before the darkness, music played
Ariana sang upon the stage
But this gentle musical night
would descend in horror and fright
and joyous times would soon turn dark
like the arrow that struck singing skylark
and that dark still remains
accentuated by human blood stains
Young people had come full of joy
to the arena in an English town
that soon would turn upside down
Beneath a streetlamp’s streaming glow
a girl would watch her friend’s blood flow
scenes of young love overshadowed by hate
musical concert ends at door of Hell’s gate
Some man thought he knew God’s will
and that was to maim, destroy and kill
far from the Kingdom of God was he
but his evil folly has caused intense agony
Faces that will never be seen again
Faces that shone with Ariana’s song
but they left the concert into the night
not knowing hate’s venom would rise and strike
now those faces will only be seen on Facebook page
leaving those behind in tears and rage
And so the curtain came down on a musical show
as death’s curtain came down on those in post-concert glow
bodies maimed and broken, many their souls now gone
the night that Death put an end to music’s sweet song.
-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday May 23rd 2017.
The Vampire Set and Lindbergh’s Historic Flight To Paris
90 years ago today.
May 21st 1927.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in Paris enjoying a bottle of champagne with Josephine Baker, Ernest Hemingway and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
They were waiting to see if American pilot Charles Lindbergh would arrive in the city in his plane The Spirit of St. Louis and become the first person to fly solo non-stop across the Atlantic.
Twenty minutes after 10 PM on the evening of May 21st 1927, there slipped out of the darkness over the skies a gray white airplane.
At 10:24 PM The Spirit of St. Louis landed.
“Well, I made it,” said Lindbergh.
And the City of Paris went wild.
Lindbergh was carried by hand outside his plane.
Total mayhem among the crowd of 100,000 people who had gathered on the east side of Le Bourget Air Field.
“Paris probably hasn’t seen such excitement since the Armistice of 1918,” Hemingway remarked as he uncorked another bottle of champagne.
“I was being dug out of the prison of my ancient Egyptian tomb on Armistice Day in 1918,” Set recalled.
Both Josephine Baker and Ernest Hemingway laughed at Set’s remark.
Only the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (being one of the living Undead herself) smiled sympathetically.
“Do you suppose Lindbergh will join us on this sidewalk cafe?” Josephine asked.
“I don’t know,” Hemingway shrugged, “did you invite him?”.
Everyone laughed.
“I wonder if anything else as exciting will happen this year?” Qonzilqointec mused philosophically.
On the other side of the Atlantic, singer and entertainer Al Jolson was sitting in a bar
He heard someone at one of the tables say, “You ain’t heard nothing yet.”
Jolson’s ears perked up.
That would make a great closing line for the new movie he was doing.
The world’s first talkie.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 21st
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing 