South African Artist SAREJESS and The Tower of Big Ben
The South African artist SAREJESS was painting a picture about the dream he had the night before.
In the painting, a giant hamster was standing atop the tower of Big Ben next to the houses of Parliament in London.
Below the Tower, the early British Queen Boudica and Sir Winston Churchill were seen smiling and holding hands together.
Moonlight shone down on the clock tower whose hands both pointed at 12.
The evening cloud above the clock tower resembled the face of the late great actor Vincent Price.
On the right in the painting was an aquarium where a lobster was doing an impersonation of Norwegian artist Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
An in-law of SAREJESS, when he saw the painting, said, “You’re nuts, Tim.”
SAREJESS’s grandson Joshua (nicknamed Lallow), when he saw the painting, said, :”You’re a genius, Grandpa.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 29th
2017.
Set and The British Lord
Set and The British Lord
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having dinner with a member of the British House of Lords in the dining room of The Royal Albert Club (the very same club back in the 1920s that Winston Churchill had unofficially met with members of British Intelligence to discuss the Egyptian billionaire’s connections with the rising Nazi movement in Germany).
The British Lord he was meeting with was Lord Leo of Panthera.
“So, how does the outlook look for Britain these days?” Set asked Lord Leo.
“Not so good,” Lord Leo eagerly bit into his veal brought to him by Isaiah the waiter, “it’s not a good thing for Britain to have a minority government just as we’re trying to negotiate Brexit.”
“Any possibility of a National Unity government forming?” Set asked as he bit into his Duck a l’ Orange.
“Some talk of it,” Lord Leo drank his coconut milk, “but not much. It’s said that Her Majesty the Queen has her own personal favourite that she’d like to see become Prime Minister in a national unity government.”
“Oh,” Set washed his duck down with a Bourgogne Pinot Noir, “and who might that be?”.
Leo paused in the middle of swallowing another slice of veal with his mouth agape in astonishment, “You mean to say you don’t know?”.
“No, I don’t,” Set was starting to feel like an errant schoolboy who had neglected to do his homework.
“Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds,” Lord Leo replied.
“What?” Set spit out a mouthful of Bourgogne Pinot Noir far across the room that caused one gentleman’s Seafood Flambé to become even flambeier, “My former employee who still lives with me in my mansion?”.
“That’s right,” Lord Leo grinned through his glass of coconut milk.
“Wow,” Set finished the last of his duck, “it would be quite advantageous to me if Renfield were to become Prime Minister of Britain.”
“Excuse me, gentleman,” Isaiah the waiter approached them, “but there’s a fire in the house. We would appreciate it if you moved to the nearest fire exits.”
Set and Lord Leo moved quickly past the now burning out of control Seafood Flambé.
“Well done, thou good and faithful servant,” Poseidon the Greek god of the sea said to a lobster who perished in the Seafood Flambé that day.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster woke up screaming in his salt water aquarium down at the Set Enterprises laboratories.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 28th
2017.
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock
The great South African artist SAREJESS was once again dreaming a dream.
He was dreaming he was in a Wild West bordello room above a Wild West saloon.
The date on the room’s calendar was marked August 15th 1885.
Outside the room through the window (for the drapes were not closed) was a neon sign that said The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.
SAREJESS scratched his head and thought to himself, had neon lights even been invented yet back in the 1880s?
A lobster suddenly appeared on the floor of the room and started speaking to SAREJESS, “This sign was made from the earlier Geissler tubes and was arranged in a sign for this saloon by the saloon’s genius proprietress owner Miss Sherrielock Holmes who is the love of my life. Albeit an unrequited love since she is human (although an immortal human) and I but a mere lobster (albeit a lobster with psychic abilities).”
“A lobster with the power of speech?” SAREJESS was amazed.
“But only in my dreams or, in this case, in your dreams,” answered the lobster whose name was Michelangelo, “for in the real world outside dreams, my geneticist creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher did not give me the power to speak. Which is a shame. Otherwise every night, I’d crawl out of my salt water tank and use Dr. Rocher’s mobile phone to phone and text message Sherrielock Holmes and recite Shakespearean and Byronic love poems to her.”
“I’m sure she’d be impressed,” said SAREJESS.
“Indeed, she would,” Michelangelo nodded, “for she is a woman of impeccable good taste.”
The lobster then vanished with the next cry of the cuckoo clock.
Meanwhile in the bed in the room, the man in the bed (whose name was Belvedere) rolled over on top of the lovely blonde woman with nice knockers in the bed (her name was Serena).
“Oh my gosh,” Serena gasped, “here you come again.”
“Wasn’t that the name of a Dolly Parton song?” SAREJESS asked himself.
The cuckoo clock’s cuckoo then came out of the clock again.
This time the cuckoo bird had the face of Orson Welles as he appeared in the 1949 film The Third Man.
“You know,” a much older looking Orson Welles (the same age Welles was when he gave his last interview with Merv Griffin on October 10th 1985) dressed as an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh appeared to SAREJESS, “I always regretted during my long theatrical career that I never played the role of an ancient Egyptian.”
Then SAREJESS woke up.
The Paint Zombie (as his wife now called him due to his recent spate of nocturnal painting sprees) then rushed to his studio where he painted a picture of two cuckoo clocks. One had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as the Third Man coming out of it and the other clock had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as an Egyptian Pharaoh coming out of it.
As his wife remarked later, “You’ve definitely gone cuckoo, Tim.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 27th
2017.
The Norse Wolf Fenrir Visits Israel
The Norse wolf Fenrir looked at the Rolex watch on his paw and realized that the Battle of Ragnarok wasn’t ready to begin just yet.
So he decided to go on another sightseeing tour somewhere in the world.
Today he chose Israel.
He danced with short skirted young Hebrew hotties in the most swinging nightclubs of Tel Aviv.
In Renfield R. Renfield like fashion, he had a hot fudge sundae poured over his head when he made an inappropriate pass at Wonder Woman film star Gal Gadot.
He then tried fishing in the Sea of Galilee where he didn’t have much luck catching fish either.
He stopped off in the village of Cana of Galilee where an archaeological dig was taking place.
The archaeologist was busy digging up 2000 year old bottles of wine.
Fenrir wondered what a 2000 year old bottle of wine tasted like and helped himself.
“God,” Fenrir thought to himself, “this is the best tasting wine I’ve ever tasted in my life.”
He then proceeded to drink up the other 11 excavated bottles of the 2000 year old wine.
He then stumbled his way to Jerusalem singing, “Roll out the barrel, we’ll have a barrel of fun, hic! for the gang’s all here…”
When he reached the Temple Mount, he wasn’t feeling so good.
So the Norse wolf Fenrir vomited all over the Temple Mount.
What came out in the flow of vomit was the undigested head of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft) that he had eaten a few months earlier.
As Fenrir stumbled his way in search of a pharmacy to cure his hang-over, he left the head behind on the Temple Mount.
Palestinians heading for prayer on the Haram al-Sharif were angry when they saw the head of Hecate and shouted towards a group of Jews praying at the Western Wall, “You’ve desecrated our place of prayer by dumping this head here.”
The Jews angrily responded, “What do you mean? Cutting people’s heads off is a Muslim thing. That is when you’re not busy blowing yourselves up and blowing up other people in the process. We don’t do severed heads. Our weapons are Uzis, tanks, missiles and planes.”
The exchange sparked more violence and another day of rioting.
Such was the climate to be found in the City of Peace.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 26th
2017.
Gal Gadot: Poured hot fudge sundae over the all paws and awfully fresh Norse wolf Fenrir.
A Jesuit Priest and His Spiritist Medium
Jesuit Father Antonio Spadaro SJ was Editor-In-Chief of the Vatican’s official newsmagazine La Civilta Cattolica.
Presbyterian pastor Rev. Marcelo Figueroa was Editor-In-Chief of L’ Osservatore Romano’s Argentinian edition.
Both men had recently written an article in La Civilta Cattolica attacking political alliances formed between Evangelical Christians and Traditional Catholics in the U.S.
For their hatchet job on this alliance, they consulted the spirits of the late Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels and the late Stalinist NKVD Soviet secret police head Lavrentiy Beria.
The two ghosts of opposing political persuasions were channeled for the two clergymen by Rome’s leading spiritist seer Cassandra Sibylline.
Cassandra Sibylline- a spiritist medium adviser to one of the Vatican’s most influential Jesuits.
The article was met with mixed reviews.
Leftists everywhere loved the article.
Rightists not so much.
Now Father Spadaro and Rev. Figueroa were turning their attention to a British politician Renfield R. Renfield who was recently elected to Parliament.
Renfield was asked by a reporter for the Church Times whether he believed in God or the Devil.
Renfield said that being an atheist, he believed in neither.
But then he added that should these two supernatural beings actually exist, then Pope Francis was probably the biggest of all Satan’s useful idiots on Earth.
The comment was not met with a very favourable reaction by a certain high-ranking member of the Vatican hierarchy.
And this high-ranking official asked his two friends Father Spadaro and Rev. Figueroa to then do a hatchet job on Renfield R. Renfield.
So Father Spadaro and Rev. Figueroa were once again channeling the ghosts of Goebbels and Beria through spiritist seer Cassandra Sibylline for advice- this time on how to do an editorial hatchet job on Renfield R. Renfield.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 25th
2017.
Belvedere and The Enchantress’ Spell
Belvedere and The Enchantress’ Spell
Belvedere lay asleep 😴 in the arms of Serena.
With a look of post-orgasmic bliss on his face. 😁
In her room above the bar of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.
In his sleep, Belvedere whispered, “Knockers, must have knockers, cried the paint zombie.”
“Who’s the Paint Zombie?” Asked the awake Unsleeping Beauty Serena beside him.
“SAREJESS,” Belvedere answered.
“Who’s SAREJESS?” Serena asked.
“He hasn’t been born yet,” Belvedere replied as the cuckoo clock on the wall silently started moving ahead.
“I see,” Serena laughed.
“Reminds me of that song from the 1980s who can it be now, knickers at my door 🚪?” Belvedere continued to quietly rant and rave.
“My, we have moved forward in time, haven’t we?” Serena laughed again.
The cuckoo bird 🐦 came out of the cuckoo clock holding a small sign that said GREED IS GOOD.
“Oh, dear,” Belvedere continued his somniac insanity, “Knockers, a pair of knockers for my king 👑 dom.”
“Knickers and knockers?” Serena continued her exquisite laughter, “This SAREJESS must have a lot on his mind these days.”
“He does,” Belvedere nodded, “He’s the one chosen to paint the arrival of…”
“Hush,” Serena put her fingers on Belvedere’s lips, “you mustn’t name the name of He who cannot be named at this point in time.”
She then kissed his lips with her own lips 👄.
Outside her window, an ancient Egyptian Nile River barge seemed to quietly float over the moon. 🌙
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 24th
2017.
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Railway Watch
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Railway Watch
The great South African artist SAREJESS was having another dream.
In this dream, he saw a lovely elegantly designed railway watch on a chain that was hanging between a shapely pair of feminine breasts.
He heard a voice saying, “Oh Serena, what a lovely pair of knockers you have.”
SAREJESS found himself repeating those words in his sleep.
SAREJESS immediately found himself being awakened by his wife Winnie who asked, “Who’s Serena?”.
Tim (SAREJESS’s real first name) stammered in reply.
He figured he’d better run down to his studio.
Because in SAREJESS’ opinion, a frying pan 🍳 was meant for frying eggs and not for hitting husbands over the head when they make stupid statements which husbands are prone to do.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 23rd
2017.
Belvedere and The Enchantress
Belvedere and The Enchantress
It was a hot August night in 1885.
And Belvedere the bartender at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was the laughing stock of the entire town of Hayden Colorado.
Earlier in the evening, Belvedere had told a saloon bar patron that he was still a virgin.
“What?” The patron started laughing his head off, “You’re 45 years old and you’re still a virgin?”.
Word of Belvedere’s admission had spread around the town like wildfire.
When a fire ranger rode up from Denver to Hayden and was told there was no actual fire, he fell off his horse 🐴 laughing when told the real reason for the excitement in town.
Unfortunately for Belvedere, his employer Sherrielock Holmes the proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was away attending an opera in San Francisco on the West Coast.
Otherwise she’d have tomatoed many of the townspeople’s bottoms for making fun of her bartender.
Belvedere sat on the wooden sidewalk in front of the saloon blubbering away when a beautiful blonde woman walked by.
“What’s wrong, Belvedere?” The beautiful blonde asked.
“Do I know you?” Belvedere blinked at her.
“I’m Serena, one of the new girls that Miss Sherrielock hired last week,” the blonde sat beside him and raised her skirt showing very shapely legs.
“Oh yes, I heard Miss Holmes had hired some new girls,” Belvedere blew his nose into his tie and then took it off and put it into a box intending to give it as a Christmas gift to the man who had told the whole town that he was a virgin.
The lovely blonde reached into her low-cut blouse and pulled out a beautiful railway watch on a chain (that she kept between her cleavage).
“I see it’s 8 in the evening,” Serena cooed, “what do you intend to do the rest of the night?”.
“I have no idea,” Belvedere looked up at the night sky 🌌 and saw a shooting star 🌠.
“Did you make a wish, Belvedere?” She moved closer to him and put her arms around him.
“Um, yes I did,” said Belvedere.
“Well, why don’t you come up to my room then,” she whispered in his ear, “and then we can make your wish come true.”
Belvedere looked inside the water trough for the horses that was a few feet away.
The reflection in the water showed the pyramids of Egypt against the night sky.
Belvedere thought it was an opportune night to make his wish come true.
He walked up the saloon’s back stairs with Serena to her room.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 22nd
2017.
Renfield, Michelangelo and The Vampiress Isis
Renfield, Michelangelo and The Vampiress Isis
Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was hard at work in his Parliamentary office at Westminster.
“Hello, Venus In Stilettos 👠 Escort Agency?” Renfield was on the phone, “I was wondering if you could send a girl over to my Parliamentary office here in Westminster?”.
A voice similar to that of Charlie Brown’s teacher on old TV Peanuts cartoon specials spoke in reply.
“What am I interested in?” Renfield asked, “A literal reenactment of the title of that old Bryan Adams song The Summer of ’69.”
A choked gasp came from the voice that sounded like Peanuts Charlie Brown’s teacher.
“That’s right,” Renfield nodded and grinned, “I want to be able to say these are the best days of my life.”
The voice spoke again.
“Thanks,” Renfield smiled, “Send her right over.”
Renfield put the phone down and manicured his fingernails.
“Who knew that being an MP could be so much fun?” Renfield looked at himself in the mirror atop his desk.
The phone rang again.
“Renfield R. Renfield,” the new MP answered.
It was the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis calling.
“Oh, hello, Isis,” Renfield undid his tie, “Thanks very much for taking me on that month long motorcycle 🏍 tour of France right after I was elected MP.”
“It was my pleasure, Rennie dearest,” Isis spoke in a sultry seductive voice, “Now, I was wondering if you would do me a favour.”
“Anything,” Renfield looked at his globe of the world.
“I understand Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster has the ability to enter people’s dreams,” Isis stated.
“That is correct,” Renfield picked up a volume of Jung On The Collective Unconscious.
“I was wondering if you could talk to Michelangelo and get his psychic antennae to pay attention to this one certain individual’s dreams for me,” Isis requested.
“Well,” Renfield in his mind’s eye could see his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set slashing his delicate Renfieldian throat with those 66-inch long vampirically red fingernails of his, “Um… well as you know Michelangelo is a genetic creation bought and paid for by my former boss Set’s hard earned billions. I really don’t feel like betraying my former boss especially when I’m still living in his mansion.”
“Fine, you be loyal to your former boss then,” the vampiress Isis laughed an evil laugh, “but don’t be so unhappy when I send all those London newspapers the photos I took of you in all those compromising positions with various young French mademoiselles.”
Renfield was silent for a moment.
Finally he grabbed a pen and paper and spoke, “And what was the name of the individual whose dreams you want Michelangelo to enter?”.
Isis mentioned the individual’s name.
Renfield wrote it down.
He then hung up the phone without bothering to say good-bye.
That name sounded familiar for some reason.
Renfield checked his mobile phone and read an email that his friend and former co-employee Amadeus Emanon had sent him that afternoon.
“You asked me to tell you whenever Michelangelo predicted a good sound investment for the future. This afternoon he came up with one. He recommends you buy paintings painted by the South African artist SAREJESS as sound art investments for the future.
-Amadeus ”
Renfield looked at the globe of the world again.
Was this coincidence?
Or a case of Jungian synchronicity at work?
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 19th
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Michelangelo and The Next Big News Story of 2017
July 30, 2017 at 5:58 pm (Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (America, Caitlyn Jenner, Donald Trump, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, Renfield R. Renfield)
Michelangelo and The Next Big News Story of 2017
Renfield R. Renfield asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to once again use his psychic lobster antennae to see if he could pick up a news story from the future.
Renfield wondered what would be the next big news story of 2017?
Michelangelo raised his lobster antennae and tried to see what frequency he could pick up.
The frequency came through on the screen of the computer 💻 hooked up to Michelangelo’s antennae.
A news announcer’s voice came through on the screen, “Caitlyn Jenner made history today by publicly breastfeeding Kanye West in a Beverly Hills restaurant…”
Michelangelo then picked up a Twitter tweet from Donald Trump on the issue.
@RealDonaldTrump @Caitlyn_Jenner -Caitlyn, so disappointed in you. You’re putting dairy 🥛 farmers in Wisconsin out of business. Have you no shame? Have you no shame?
Renfield looked at the computer screen and sighed, “I’m sorry I asked that question.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 30th
2017.
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