Hephaestus and The Hwasong-15 Missile
Hephaestus and The Hwasong-15 Missile
Hephaestus the Greek god of the forge was in his lodgings in Pyongyang the North Korean capital.
He had spent the day building missiles for North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un.
His latest missile was the Hwasong-15 which had just been tested overnight.
Hephaestus had promised his wife Aphrodite a few months ago that he’d stop building missiles for Little Rocket Man Kim but he couldn’t keep his promise.
The problem was Hephaestus had become addicted to drinking a Korean distilled liquor called Munbaeju.
Munbaeju is a traditional distilled liquor made of malted millet, sorghum, wheat, rice and nuruk with a strength of 40% alcohol by volume.
The drink originates in the Pyongyang region of North Korea 🇰🇵 and is noted for its fragrance which is said to resemble the fragrance of the munbae tree (similar to a pear 🍐).
In fact, the name of the drink itself Munbaeju consists of two words munbae (which means “wild pear”) and ju (meaning “alcohol”).
The origins of Munbaeju are traced to the Goryeo Dynasty (Goryeo also spelled Koryo was a kingdom established in 918 AD by King Taejo. This kingdom of Koryo later gave rise to the modern name Korea).
The water used to produce Munbaeju comes from the Taedong River that runs through the North Korean capital of Pyongyang.
Seeing as how living in Pyongyang made Hephaestus close to the source of his beloved Munbaeju drink, he decided to continue building missiles for Kim Jong-un since by doing so, Kim gave the Greek god of the forge all the free Munbaeju he desired.
As for the Hwasong-15 missile Hephaestus had built, it had reached an altitude of 4475 kilometres (2780 miles) and flew 950 kilometres in 53 minutes in its overnight test.
In an analysis, the U.S. based Union of Concerned Scientists concluded that the Hwasong-15 could travel more than 13,000 kilometres thus reaching any part of the continental United States 🇺🇸 including the eastern seaboard or even Washington DC itself.
The conclusion caused a few hairs in Donald Trump’s toupee to turn grey and led him in such a rage that he retweeted a few of the ultra nationalist far-right Britain First videos.
Of course what the overnight test of the Hwasong-15 missile had to do with Muslim immigrants in Britain would only make sense to Trump’s uniquely personal form of reasoning.
As Hephaestus drank some of the Munbaeju, a barking otter soon joined him.
The barking otter was named Jefferey and came from the planet Nibiru (a planet that yes had otters similar to earthling otters).
Jefferey in fact used Munbaeju in the making of his own Otterbury Green Minnow Ale beer.
As the minnows in the Taedong River were quite fond of drinking Munbaeju and turned green after doing so.
Any geopolitical analyst worth his salt (as well as his unwasted margaritas in Margaritaville) would deduce that the alcoholic proclivities of Greek deities, Nibiruan otters and Taedong River minnows could spell unprecedented nuclear disaster for the world.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 29th
2017.
Nikola Tesla, Tantric Sex and The Eiffel Tower
Nikola Tesla, Tantric Sex and The Eiffel Tower
The stranger stood at the window of the Paris apartment he had rented for his birthday.
He lit a cigarette and gazed at the Eiffel Tower in the distance.
He then turned and looked at the beautiful woman who sat on his bed.
She looked exactly like the woman in one of his favourite contemporary music videos.
She was even wearing the same red halter top and sexy red skirt that the woman was wearing in the video.
He had run into her in a Paris martini 🍸 bar earlier this evening and was glad that “of all the martini bars in Paris he could have walked into, he walked into that one” to paraphrase a comment made by Humphrey Bogart in the movie Casablanca.
“Are you coming to bed?” She purred at him.
“I am,” the stranger put a Tesla coil and radio receiver on the window sill, “and with you with me, I’ll probably be coming in bed as well.”
He adjusted the wireless frequency on his Apple Watch ⌚️ and then walked over to the bed and started passionately kissing the woman in the red skirt.
She fell backwards on to the bed and raised her skirt.
The stranger noticed that she wasn’t wearing any panties.
He smiled.
He was glad to be with a woman who followed that Girl Guide motto Be Prepared.
As he mounted her, a wireless transmission hit the receiver at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
The wireless transmission had actually been sent 114 years earlier back on July 14th 1903 by Nicola Tesla at his Wardenclyffe Tower in Shoreham, Long Island, New York.
The Eiffel Tower then relayed the transmission to the Tesla coil and radio receiver on the window sill of the birthday celebrating stranger’s rented apartment.
The Tesla coil and radio receiver then sent the transmission to the stranger’s Apple Watch as a receiver.
The transmission then sent a major electrical discharge through the man’s body and the body of the woman in the red skirt causing both to have a major earth shaking climax and orgasm simultaneously.
“Holy Christ,” the woman shouted.
“Well, I’ve always thought of myself as the world’s greatest sinner but thanks for the compliment,” the man fell backwards on to his pillow and lit a cigarette.
As a result of this birthday night orgy of Teslian physics and tantric sex, the world was about to change forever.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 28th
2017.
Renfield and The Katsushika Hokusai Painting of A Wedding In Cana of Galilee
Renfield and The Katsushika Hokusai Painting of A Wedding In Cana of Galilee
Dashwood Forrest the owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London England entered the Westminster parliamentary office of Renfield R. Renfield MP.
“Mr. Renfield,” Dashwood said, “I would like to thank you for saving my art gallery from being robbed last week.”
“That’s all right, Dash,” Renfield smiled, “I just happened to be walking by your gallery at the time and noticed it was being robbed. It gave me a chance to practice my Kung Fu and Karate skills.”
“I hope the courts give a severe punishment to the perpetrators,” Dashwood frowned.
“Well some of our judges are bleeding hearts but in this case I think the perpetrators got the punishment they deserve,” Renfield grinned.
The MP never bothered to inform Dashwood that he had fed the robbers to the giant piranhas owned by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
“I had paintings worth several millions of dollars in that particular exhibit which were on loan to me,” Forrest breathed heavily, “and of course I couldn’t afford the insurance on them so I didn’t get them insured. You saved me from bankruptcy by stopping that robbery.”
“Glad to help out,” Renfield smiled.
“As a token of my appreciation and thanks, I’d like to give you this painting I recently came in possession of,” Forrest handed him a wrapped package 📦, “have you ever heard of the great Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai?”.
“Yes I have,” Renfield nodded.
“It’s a very rare Hokusai painting,” Dashwood explained, “one unheard of by most art historians. It’s a painting of the wedding in Cana of Galilee at which Jesus turned water into wine 🍷. It had been hidden in Hokusai’s own lifetime because Christianity and Christian depictions in art were illegal in Japan at the time.”
“Wow, it must be a really valuable painting then,” Renfield held a napkin in front of his mouth so that Dashwood Forrest wouldn’t see him salivating, “are you sure you want to give it to me?”.
“It’s the least I could do,” said a grateful Dashwood Forrest.
Later Renfield went to an exclusive London restaurant so he could meet with an aide-de-camp to German Chancellor Angela Merkel to discuss British-German relations.
As he sat there at his table, Prince Harry and his fiancée Meghan Markle were then seated by the head waiter at the table next to him.
“Say,” Prince Harry spoke to Renfield, “aren’t you Renfield R. Renfield the new Member of Parliament for the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency?”.
“I am,” Renfield smiled at the prince’s recognition.
“My grandmother speaks quite highly of you,” Prince Harry was referring to the Queen, “she mentioned how you rescued one of her corgis from drowning in a swimming pool.”
“I just did what any loyal British subject would do,” Renfield smiled.
Renfield did not mention the fact that he was the one who threw the corgi into the swimming pool in the first place when everyone else’s back was turned so he could then play the role of hero and earn the gratitude of a grateful Queen.
“My grandmother also thinks you’ll make a great Prime Minister some day,” the Prince continued with his praise, “probably Britain’s greatest since Churchill.”
Renfield did not have the heart or the modesty to disagree with this flattering description of himself so he just said, “Allow me to congratulate you both on your engagement 💍.”
“Thank you,” Prince Harry and Meghan said simultaneously.
“I was going to have this engagement present I got the two of you delivered to you later but seeing as how you’re both here, I’ll give it to you now,” Renfield handed over the package containing the Katsushika Hokusai painting.
When they opened it, Renfield gave the historical background of the painting that he had gotten from Dashwood Forrest.
“Wow, thank you,” said Prince Harry.
“I think this honourable gentleman should have an invitation to our wedding 👰, don’t you, Harry?” Meghan said.
“Of course,” the Prince agreed.
And that’s how Renfield R. Renfield the freshman MP managed to wriggle an invitation to a Royal Wedding.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 27th
2017.
The 75th Anniversary of Casablanca: A Poem
The 75th Anniversary of Casablanca: A Poem
It was 75 years ago today (November 26th 1942) that the film Casablanca with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman had its world premiere in New York City.
Dark times
The world in crisis
Refugees fleeing an entire continent
Inhabitants of imprisoned Europe
Fleeing south to Africa
To Casablanca in Morocco 🇲🇦
hoping to catch the plane to Lisbon in neutral Portugal 🇵🇹
and from there flee to somewhere in the Americas
Rick’s Cafe Americain
a meeting ground
with a varied clientele
Vichy French and Nazi German officials
interspersed with refugees from Europe
A mingling of the best and the worst
the world has to offer
with many people caught in between
And in this intermingling of chaos and conflict
of hope and despair
of greed and apathy
a love triangle emerges
two men and a woman
and in this love triangle
no villain
only 3 people beset by time and circumstance
to find themselves in a situation
that none of them would have entered through choices of their own
For the refugees
is there a way out?
For those caught in the love triangle
is there a way out?
The way out is a plane to Lisbon
Who will board that plane?
In Casablanca, some will lose their lives
In Casablanca, some will lose their hope
In Casablanca, some have already lost their souls
In Casablanca, two men will regain theirs
in what will be the start of a beautiful friendship
Such is Casablanca.
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday November 26th
2017.
The 2nd Anniversary of Sherrielock Holmes’ Appearance On The World Stage
The 2nd Anniversary of Sherrielock Holmes’ Appearance On The World Stage
It was apparently 2 years ago today that I first introduced the character of Sherrielock Holmes on to the world stage.
The London dominatrix who’s the lesser known twin sister of the great London consulting detective Sherlock Holmes.
The London dominatrix who once ate a Lingzhi supernatural mushroom and is now immortal as a result.
Here’s the blog post from 2 years ago where I introduced the character of Sherrielock Holmes to the world:
https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/sherrielock-holmes/
A Grey Wolf Walks The Streets of Berlin
A Grey Wolf Walks The Streets of Berlin
A grey wolf walked the streets of Berlin.
The wolf seemed to be grinning as its tongue hung out.
It was also wagging its tail in vigorous fashion.
The grey wolf was possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler.
It was happy because German Chancellor Angela Merkel was unable to form a coalition government and did not want to preside over a minority government.
So she was thinking of calling another national election in Germany 🇩🇪.
The grey wolf Adolf was happy because this potential new election might bring forth new political forces that were more akin to the ideas he envisioned for Germany back in the 1930s and early 1940s.
Meanwhile in his parliamentary office at Westminster in London, MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again sipping a glass he had poured from his Churchillian bottle of brandy.
The image of Churchill from the painting of Churchill that hung on the wall in Renfield’s office once again left its frame and sat across from Renfield.
“Rennie,” Churchill smoked an ectoplasmic cigar, “I am very concerned with what is currently happening in Germany 🇩🇪.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 22nd
2017.
A Resignation From and Cushions For Mugabe
A Resignation From and Cushions For Mugabe
In the Zimbabwean capital of Harare, the speaker of Zimbabwe’s parliament read out a letter from Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe in which he had announced that he had voluntarily resigned in order to allow for a smooth transfer of power.
Would the transfer be as smooth as a baby’s bottom?
Probably.
It certainly wouldn’t be so smooth for Robert Mugabe’s bottom after he got his buns tomatoed by world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes in order to get him to resign.
Meanwhile in London England, the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company had just received an emergency order for a 1001 cushions to be immediately delivered to Robert Mugabe’s home in Harare Zimbabwe.
And back at the ranch… well actually the Westminster office of the British House of Commons Ethics Commissioner, the Commissioner had just received word that Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Transhumanist Party MP Renfield R. Renfield had just made a killing on the London Stock Exchange in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday Mr. Renfield had bought a substantial portion of shares in the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company when they were selling for £1 a share and had sold them today at £5 a share with the announcement that the company had just made a major sale of cushions to Zimbabwe 🇿🇼.
The Ethics Commissioner had been informed that Mr. Renfield might have benefitted from insider trading since Mr. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises) lived in the same colossal West London mansion as world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the current Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).
Vowed the Ethics Commissioner, “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
Meanwhile in Harare Zimbabwe, Mr. Mugabe was in no condition to get to the bottom of anything.
Instead he hugged his Mr. Bean style teddy bear and awaited the delivery of a 1001 comfortable cushions from Atkinson in London.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 22nd
2017.
Who Is The Father? – Reflections On DNA and Free Will
Who Is The Father? -Reflections On DNA and Free Will
The New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont had gone to see her friend Amadeus Emanon.
She realized that Amadeus would probably be feeling stressed out today.
For Amadeus was not like other men.
He had been genetically created in a test tube from DNA from locks of hair belonging to composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.
Amadeus had emerged from the test tube as a fully grown adult back in late 2005.
He might have had the body of an adult but he still had the mind of a child.
And as he grew emotionally and psychologically, one of the greatest things he had struggled with was the fact that one of the DNA donors involved in his genetic creation had been the notorious killer Charles Manson.
And now that particular donor of DNA – Charles Manson – was now dead.
So Angelique figured that Amadeus would once again be struggling with the issue- would he be genetically destined to be another Charles Manson?
Angelique pointed out that physically in terms of his appearance, Amadeus looked like a young Alan Rickman.
As a concert pianist, he played the piano like the young child prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
“Amadeus, you’ve always been more interested in music than you have in murder,” Angelique told him, “it’s not only heredity that influences us but our environment as well. Manson was musically inclined having written a song for the Beach Boys but his thoughts gradually turned to murder rather than music, he turned to hate rather than love. He wanted to promote war between races rather than harmony among all humanity. You are the total opposite of that, Amadeus. You prefer music to murder and love to hate, one human race to any manifestation of racism. You are the opposite of Charles Manson, Amadeus. We decide to become who we are in life. Manson chose to become what he is- an angry murderer and failed musician who ends up dying in prison. You have become a loving joyful person and your musical talent grows with each passing day.”
“You mentioned environment?” Amadeus looked sad, “Look at my environment. I’m personal concert pianist to an ancient Egyptian vampire who killed and dismembered his own brother. My only friend other than you is Renfield R. Renfield a man who is the flesh and blood embodiment of television’s Raymond Red Reddington and as such the people Renfield bumps off may be assholes but Renfield is still a killer nevertheless.”
“Well the fact that you live in such an environment and yet choose to be the kind loving person that you are is testament to your strength of character, Amadeus,” Angelique said gently.
Amadeus sat silently considering what Angelique had just said.
Angelique added, “Consider the song Manson wrote and gave to Beach Boy Dennis Wilson. The title of the song that Manson wrote was Cease To Exist. Wilson turned that song into the Beach Boys’ Never Learn Not To Love. Manson’s original song and its title was like the life he lived- Cease To Exist. His life was nihilistic- he wanted to annihilate people. He ordered the deaths of people that ended in the killing of Sharon Tate and others. He wanted to bring about a race war- further death and destruction. It was all about death and annihilation for him- ceasing to exist. And now he has ceased to live- his last breath being that of prison air. Your life has been following a different course, Amadeus. Learning to love. Your life has been the embodiment of what Wilson did with Manson’s song when he changed the title and the lyrics- Never Learn Not To Love. The life Manson lived was the denial of existence. The life you’ve been living is the affirmation of love. Continue to live that life, Amadeus. For you are no Charles Manson. You are Amadeus Emanon.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 20th
2017.
Sherrielock Holmes En Route To Zimbabwe
Sherrielock Holmes En Route To Zimbabwe 🇿🇼
The (quite literally) immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes had her bags 💼 packed and was on her way to the airport to fly to Zimbabwe 🇿🇼.
“What will you be doing in Zimbabwe?” Amadeus Emanon asked as he munched on his fish and chips.
“I’ve been hired by the Zimbabwean Army and the Zanu-PF Party to tomato 🍅 Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe’s buttocks and force him to resign,” Sherrielock explained, “because Mugabe won’t go gently into that good night. So he’ll have to go screaming to the sounds of whips tomatoing his buns.”
“Have you ever been called upon to force a world leader to quit before?” Amadeus squeezed a lemon on to his fish.
“Yes, back in 1918, I was called upon to force Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II to abdicate,” Sherrielock recalled, “and then in 1974, I was called upon to tomato 🍅 Richard M. Nixon’s buttocks and get him to resign the U.S. Presidency voluntarily to save the country the agony of an impeachment trial in the Senate. That’s the one Nixon era White House tape recording that has never been released to the general public as government archivists thought the sound of my whips and Nixon’s screams would be too much for the public to handle.”
“Good luck in Zimbabwe,” Amadeus said to Sherrielock as she went out the door.
“It’s Mr. Mugabe who’ll be needing the luck,” Sherrielock quipped as she walked out the door, “as well as a lifetime supply of comfortable cushions.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 19th
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Charles Dickens and Christmas
November 24, 2017 at 8:24 pm (Commentary, Culture, History, Literature, Personal essays) (A Christmas Carol, books, Charles Dickens, Christmas)
Charles Dickens and Christmas
I was just reading a review of the released movie Charles Dickens: The Man Who Invented Christmas.
It looks like it will be quite a good film.
Although I think a more appropriate title would be Charles Dickens: The Man Who Re-Invented Christmas.
Because Christmas 🎄 was actually an important holiday in England and celebrated widely until the advent of Puritanism and Oliver Cromwell in the 17th Century.
The monarchy was restored to Britain in 1660 and although Stuart monarchs may have celebrated Christmas, it was a day no longer marked with much commemoration among the general populace.
Hanoverian England and the advent of the Industrial Revolution saw a further decline in the celebration of Christmas.
The idea of Christmas as a special day to celebrate with family and friends the birth of Christ appeared to be on the verge of dying out in England.
There were some inklings of a possible restoration of Christmas on the landscape.
Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha’s marriage to Queen Victoria in 1840 had led the Prince to bring German Lutheran Christmas customs with him to Buckingham Palace such as the idea of candles, lights and decorated Christmas 🎄 trees.
The High Church Anglo-Catholic priest and hymn writer John Mason Neale was also writing Christmas carols during this time period- Good Christian Men Rejoice, Good King Wenceslas and O Come O Come Emmanuel.
But it was a writer heavily in debt who self-published the book A Christmas Carol in 1843 who turned things around.
Mr. Charles Dickens.
His collection of characters in that work – Ebenezer Scrooge, Bob Cratchit and Tiny Tim- have become immortal in themselves.
The ghosts of Christmas past, present and future as well as the ghost of Jacob Marley are probably the most famous ghosts in all English literature.
Dickens’ work would greatly influence the modern Western celebration of Christmas such as family gatherings, seasonal food and drink, parties, dancing, games and a festive generosity of spirit.
All things now associated with Christmas.
In that sense, Dickens did invent Christmas.
But the idea of family Christmas celebrations and Ebenezer Scrooge’s redemption would not have been possible without the Birth of a certain Babe in a manger in Bethlehem 2000 years ago.
Puritan sourpusses such as Oliver Cromwell might have wanted to do away with celebrating Christmas.
The Industrial Revolution with its denial of the essential dignity and self-worth of the individual human person might try to kill the concept of humanity being created in God’s image.
Machines might be seen as capable of replacing a human work force.
And technology might be seen as capable of replacing God.
But for Dickens, the realm of the Spirit was very much alive.
It has been said that “the (Holy) Spirit moveth us in sundry times and places”.
In London in 1843, Charles Dickens felt moved in spirit.
And gave us his masterpiece novella A Christmas Carol.
The celebration of Christ’s birth in the world was not to be denied to humanity.
Today Christmas has turned into an orgy of shopping and commercialization.
The focus has become “What am I getting for Christmas?”.
It is the hidden gift under wrapping that has become the focus of most attention on Christmas morn rather than the Godhead become openly manifest in human flesh.
It looks like the world could use another Charles Dickens to come and remind us what Christmas is truly all about.
-A personal essay
written by Christopher
Friday November 24th
2017.
Permalink 13 Comments