Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future

March 11, 2018 at 10:31 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep 💤 in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratories when suddenly his lobster antennae picked up a vision of Moscow and Vladimir Putin from the near future.

The re-elected Russian 🇷🇺 President had been given an invitation to an opening of a new exclusive men’s hairstyling salon 💇‍♂️ in Moscow where the hairstylists were all breathtakingly beautiful and young topless and short skirted Russian women.

Although the Russian President was quite bald and chose not to wear an orangish coloured red spider monkey fur toupee (unlike some world leaders), he decided to take advantage of the free haircut and shave.

He could always use a scalp massage and a shave.

Putin was given a thoroughly pleasing scalp massage by the young attractive female hairstylist who did a lot of bending over as she went to get more water from the sink and more hair massage cream from the lower drawers.

“Moscow always has such lovely views this time of year,” Putin remarked to the young blonde hairstylist.

“Indeed it does,” she smiled and winked at him, “Are you ready for your hot towel shave?”.

“Yes,” Putin smiled.

She then put the steaming hot towel on his face.

“Oh God, it burns, it burns!” Putin screamed.

Putin scrambled off the chair and on to the floor still screaming, “It burns. It burns.”

“I imagine it does,” a grinning Renfield R. Renfield MP from Britain’s Westminster Parliament stood in front of him.

Renfield was dressed in a James Bond style white tuxedo suit and sipping a martini 🍸- shaken not stirred.

“All these hairstylists are paid operatives for MI-6,” Renfield lit a cigarette with a gold cigarette lighter.

Amadeus came into the salon carrying a toy piano 🎹 and sat down at the piano and played the song As Time Goes By.

“You’re probably wondering to yourself,” Renfield blew cigarette smoke in Bogart style fashion into the air, “Why of all the hairstyling salons in all the world did that nasty Brit Renfield R. Renfield have to walk into this one?”.

“It burns, it burns,” Putin seemed to be singing a Russian Orthodox style litany of pain on the spot.

“Like I said this hairstyling salon is actually an MI-6 operation,” Renfield smiled, “and that burning sensation you’re still feeling from the steaming hot towel is probably caused by a smattering of VX nerve agent on the towel- the same substance that killed Kim Jong-nam (the half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un) when two women attacked his face with towels at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on February 13th last year. But don’t worry the amount put on your towel isn’t enough to kill you. Just enough to give you the most delectable amount of pain until you do face your death.”

“How am I to die?” Asked Putin.

The topless short skirted hairstylists had meanwhile grabbed Putin and took off all his clothes and then forced him into a kneeling position with his bum stuck up in the air.

“Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Harvey Weinstein,” Renfield introduced the disgraced Hollywood producer who likewise was in the all together save for the pair of glasses 👓 he was wearing, “Mr. Weinstein was recently given a serum invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher. This serum turned him gay.”

A look of realization and horror entered Putin’s eyes.

“Well there you go, Harvey,” Renfield pointed to the Russian leader’s most inviting derrière, “go to it.”

Weinstein mounted Putin while Amadeus played the song Home On The Range on the piano followed by the theme music to the film Brokeback Mountain.

“Mr. Weinstein’s phallus has been laced with the same nerve agent used in the attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in Salisbury,” Renfield explained, “though somewhat modified by Dr. Cadbury Rocher. Mr. Weinstein’s phallus is not harmed by the substance that it is carrying. However the same cannot be said for your rear end. You shall die a most unique and excruciating 😖 death 💀.”

“How could you do this?” Putin had tears in his eyes as well as Weinstein’s phallus in his behind.

“I was authorized to do it by an emergency meeting of Cobra 🐍 by the British government this past March 10,” Renfield smiled, “though I was given full artistic control over the whole operation so I could give it my own Renfieldian artistic flourish.”

As Weinstein exploded in orgasm, Amadeus played She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain ⛰ When She Comes on the piano.

“Salisbury, thou art avenged!” Putin shouted as he gave up the ghost 👻.

“I wonder if I can get a good Salisbury steak somewhere in Moscow,” asked Amadeus who was starting to feel hungry 😋.

Meanwhile Renfield was looking at one of the beautiful topless short skirted hairstylists and said to her, “Feodora, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 11th


  1. ortensia said,

    What a twisted way to kill …..even if it was Putin🤣🤣🤣🤣
    I m late as usual but laughing my head off……happy Monday

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad I was able to start your morning with a good laugh 😂.

      You have a good Monday as well. 😀

  2. ortensia said,

    You are a genius 😎an evil one🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Ortensia. 😀

      Yes, I’m able to use the character of Renfield to express the evil genius side of my personality. 😎

      People tend to get somewhat ticked off if you express the evil genius side of your personality in real life.

      Particularly if you’re Vladimir Putin. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  3. Shreya Sukrity said,

    That was someting I call, twist.

  4. shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

    Weinstein exploded in orgasm!!!
    wah hahahaha …
    This is really brilliant.
    My goodness I cannot stop laughing.
    Putin is on fire and burning, and I remembered of what Daniel commented about the anal o’ ring. Reminded me of Johnny Cash on the “Ring of Fire”.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Sherry. 😀

      I had forgotten Daniel’s comment about the anal o’ring. 😆

      Quite appropriate in Putin’s case. 😂

      Especially with Johnny Cash singing Ring of Fire 🔥 in the background.🤣🤣🤣🤣

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        That happens when they ate too much of those chillies and beans, and then exploded!
        Especially when add too much tumeric powder with those EternaL Immortal Mushrooms.
        Very deadly combination of bio farting action as well!
        wah hahaha …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

        That probably explains why Daniel was hired by DARPA.

        He was assigned to develop a new bio-farting weapon for DARPA.

        This will be the invincible weapon Donald Trump will announce on behalf of America to match Vladimir Putin’s hypersonic missile. 😂

  5. Hyperion said,

    Egads! Such an ignoble end to the only person who knows truly how to rule the world in the old way of the Rus Norsemen. But then Genghis Khan, another great leader and problem solver also had his weaknesses that led to a penetrating end. No pun iintended.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Genghis Khan is dead.

      One of his descendants the Aga Khan has invited pot smoking pot heads like Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to holiday with him in the Caribbean showing that genetic evolution doesn’t always go in an upward direction but sometimes in a downward direction.

      And Vladimir Putin has got karmic justice in the end.

      The torch of empire has now fallen to Renfield R. Renfield- it is his to hold it high.

      As the ghosts of Genghis Khan and the Rus Norsemen applaud.

      • Hyperion said,

        Fate and Renfield R. Renfield is inexorable. The Willy Nilly Ne’er do wells can do little but submit to their ignoble fate ushered in with the reign of his Humperness, Regal and Royal Renfield.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s an excellent royal form of address for Renfield… His Humperness 😂.

      • Hyperion said,

        It just seems a natural title for Renfield, it just rolls off the tongue smooth as butter.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, as smooth as butter. 😂

  6. George F. said,

    The Renfieldian artistic flourish was fricken brilliant. I love the way the karma comes together for both those swine… And of course, it doesn’t need to be stated that I will now search my entire life to get a haircut in that same salon.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much. 🙂

      Yes, I was thinking to myself as I was writing this scene, I bet my friend George will be wanting to track down the locale of this hairstyling salon. 😀

  7. fragglerocking said,

    Am thinking Russia would not be a good holiday destination for you anymore. 😉

  8. Orvillewrong said,

    Are the toupees available on Ebay!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Funny, Malcolm, when I first read this comment, I thought you had asked, Are the topless available on eBay?

      I was about to scour eBay to find out.

      But then I read it again and noticed you had asked, Are the toupees available on eBay?

      I suppose one person who’d know for sure would be Donald Trump. 🤣

  9. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! *snort* HA! 😛
    I love how your brain works! 😉 😀
    Goodbye, Putin, Goodbye! 😛
    I vote for Renfield to become King of the Universe!
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  10. David Redpath said,

    All sounds like a
    Crimea intrusion?
    What goes around,
    comes around …
    to bite you
    on the bum, Putin.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      The horn of Vladimir was always tootin’
      The Russian Fuhrer was indeed high flootin’
      but now it’s condomless karma for Putin

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