The Feast of The Beast 2018

March 23, 2018 at 10:23 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Feast of The Beast 2018

Desiree was 16 years old.

She obviously did not pay much attention to current Hollywood news.

Because while walking the Hollywood Walk of Fame, a limousine pulled up.

The limousine’s back window rolled down and an older man- a well known Hollywood actor- invited her into the limo for a ride.

If she knew her Hollywood news, she’d have realized that Hollywood was crawling with a lot of perverts.

Later Desiree in her blue mini dress found herself tied to a sacrificial altar beneath a statue of the Baphomet inside the Hollywood actor’s mansion.

“What are you doing?” Desiree shouted.

“I’m sacrificing you to Baphomet,” the actor replied and lowered his knife and slit her throat and did just that.

. . .

“Lexington,” Donald Trump called for his English butler and valet.

“What is it, sir?” Lexington asked.

“A charcoal burnt human hand just crawled across the floor by itself,” Trump said.

“No need to worry, sir,” Lexington went to the closet, “I’ll use a Swiffer Wet Jet to wash the floor.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Trump reflected, “and find out whose hand it is. I’m going to fire that person in a tweet.”

. . .

Two scientists were conducting an evening test at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland.

One scientist remarked to the other, “That seems to be a very realistic looking statue of Shiva the Transformer by the door.”

“Yes, it is,” the other scientist agreed.

Suddenly there was an explosion 💥 from the tunnel tube.

A huge hole opened up and out walked the multi armed goddess Kali.

She went up and kissed the statue of Shiva.

“I think,” said the scientist to his fellow researcher, “the next time they decide to erect the statue of a god on Collider grounds, they better hire a sculptor who specializes in a more abstract form of sculpture.”

. . .

Prince Vlad Dracula, the Byzantine Vampiress Theodora (who was the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Emperor Justinian in her mortal life) and the Israeli Mossad agent the Controller of The Golem had just captured a group of Turkish officers who were leading Turkish troops against their allies the Kurds.

“I think we should hand these Turkish officers over to British MP Renfield R. Renfield for interrogation,” said Dracula.

“I agree,” Theodora started wiping the blood off her gown with a towel soaked in Tide laundry detergent.

“Renfield can be quite ruthless in his interrogations,” noted the Controller of The Golem.

Theodora played on her iPhone a recent speech given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan in which he called on the 57 member state Organization of The Islamic Conference to unite as one army and destroy the State of Israel 🇮🇱.

“Hand them over to Renfield,” the Controller agreed.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was out deer 🦌 hunting on a country estate just north of Moscow.

Putin stumbled across what he thought was a stag with a very impressive set of antlers.

And in one way it was.

For the stag was actually Cernunnos the horned Celtic god of animals and the underworld.

Cernunnos stood up on its hind legs and with a crossbow it carried in its forearms it fired an arrow which moved with rapid lightning speed.

The arrow struck Putin in the forehead and the Russian leader fell to the ground.

Later at the nearby dacha where Putin was taken, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was awakened and informed what happened.

“A stag with a rapid firing crossbow did this, you say?” She asked one of Putin’s fellow hunters who nodded, “That was no ordinary stag. That was Cernunnos the horned god of the Celtic pantheon. The arrow was poison tipped and the poison is now in Putin’s bloodstream. I must suck all the blood out and replace it with my own in order for him to live.”

“But how will you live then?” Asked the bodyguard.

“Thank you for your sacrifice for your Motherland and your leader,” Lilith bit him on the neck and drained all his blood which she then spit out and put in a large glass container and put in the freezer for safekeeping.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 23rd


  1. David Redpath said,

    Van Helsing, your report takes
    me back to a soiree I attended
    at Heinrich Himler’s gothic castle
    in the Bavarian Alps.
    It was to celebrate the dawning
    of the Age of Kali, with a
    ‘Feast of Nikolaustag’, hosted
    by the Knights Templar.
    A waiter named Nosferatu was
    serving Goat’s Head Soup,
    as the guest speaker, Nostradamus, was stating
    the reasons why Erdogon
    the Ottoman would never
    wear the much sought after
    Green Turbin of Armageddon
    ( It was a Sheite/Sunni thing ).
    But, I did notice, that when

  2. David Redpath said,

    … Baphomet burst out of
    Heinrich’s surpise birthday cake,
    the Knight Templars all pretended
    not to know him ?

  3. David Redpath said,

    Yes, several virgins, all named
    Heidi, were reported missing.

  4. David Redpath said,

    To the sound of Bavarian music.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes Heinrich Himmler thought the morning would come when the world was his.

      That tomorrow would belong to him.

      Yes, the stag (Cernunnos) in the forest ran free and lots gathered together to greet the sun (particularly the black sun) but the 1000 year Reich only lasted a dozen years.

  5. RosemaryMarie said,

    “I’m going to fire that person in a tweet.” hahaha (Checks Trumps Twitter account because this really could have happened. 😛 )

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, very true, Rosemary. 😀

      Things that might be considered satirical comedy in the case of other people in other situations can often turn out to be actual reality in the case of Donald Trump. 🤣

  6. fragglerocking said,

    I found it difficult to read past the Swiffer Wet Jet, for many reasons, but mostly because of laughing, but I managed.

  7. George F. said,

    Another dreary morning brightened by the hilarity of Dracul….well done today! LOL!

  8. Orvillewrong said,

    The show must go on!

  9. shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

    wahahaha …
    I love that part with Trump and his butler.
    Always the Tweeter thang with everything. LOL

    Oh, and Renfield must have his cards with him.
    He must not forget it, otherwise Sherrielock Holmes will whip his ass for it.
    She said, “Do not forget your cards, Renny! Good for business!”

    Do you know that in real Grimm’s fairy tales that the goat like creatures are the most lustful one? They kidnapped women or young girls and keep ’em in cages. What a fairy tale, right?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Trump can’t keep off Twitter and Renfield needs his business cards with him during interrogation sessions. 😂

      Yes, there was certainly very dark overtones to the real Grimms’ fairy 🧚‍♀️ tales.

      That’s interesting that goat 🐐 like creatures were the most lustful.

      Because the original Pan in Greek mythology was quite a lustful creature.

      He was horny in more ways than one.

      That was interesting that goat like creatures kidnapped girls and young women and kept them in cages in Grimm’s fairy tales.

      Quite appropriate then that Eliphas Levi and other practicing occultists of the 19th Century saw the satanic figure of the Baphomet as a goat (and a transgendered goat at that!).

  10. thebookwormdrinketh said,

    Ha ha ha!! Too many things to comment on! “I’ll fire them in a tweet” has to be my favourite, though!

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