Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

April 11, 2018 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the bus when suddenly an extremely ugly looking woman boarded the bus holding hands with a 3-year-old girl.

Exclaimed Pan Goatee, “That ugly looking woman is the one who’s kidnapped the Lindbergh baby 🍼.”

Pan Goatee grabbed his astral laser machete and cut the ugly woman’s head off.

“You’re mistaken,” said a retired college professor of American history who was riding the bus but was grateful that the satyr had decapitated the ugly looking female, “the Lindbergh baby was a boy and if he were still alive today, he’d be 87 years old not 3.”

“Wow, I guess you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia,” Pan Goatee remarked as he booted the ugly looking head out the door and down the street.

. . .

Pope Francis was having a dream.

He was dreaming that he was in Hell.

“How can this be?” The pontiff shouted, “I said Hell doesn’t exist in a newspaper interview I gave recently.”

The fallen angel Mephistopheles walked by reading a book called Fake Papal Pronouncements With Foreword by Donald Trump.

Pope Francis suddenly saw a scene from Alice In Wonderland.

A Hellish looking Alice In Wonderland tea party modelled on Leonardo Da Vinci’s painting of The Last Supper.

This was what Francis saw:

“We may have to change our format for the Eucharistic Communion Service,” Francis thought aloud in his dream, “although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Liturgy of the Mass needed revolutionary change and a massive paradigm shift.”

The Mad Hatter who had the face of Walter Cardinal Kasper applauded vigorously.

The Queen of Hearts who had the face of Raymond Cardinal Burke pointed at Francis and said “Off with his head.”

. . .

Donald Trump looked out the Oval Office of the White House and asked the question, “What’s the best way to punish Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people?”.

A vision of Zeus holding a thunderbolt appeared in the clouds above the White House saying, “Release the Kraken.”

Trump was immediately on the phone to U.S. Secretary of Defence Jim Mattis, “Jim, do you know where I can get a Kraken?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 11th


  1. fragglerocking said,

    I can see how very annoying it must be for an author who writes of demons/vampires/satyrs etc to have their homeland ergo their existence negated by God’s chief-on-earth. The Kraken of course lives in the Norwegian Sea between Norway and Greenland, and would have to travel into the Atlantic, through the Gibralta straits to the mediterranean in order to reach Syria where Assad would need to be on a boat for the kraken to do any punishing. It would be quicker to use a nuke. 🙂

  2. David Redpath said,

    Murder on the
    Wonderland Express
    … Chris, I love this.
    Unlike Donald, you don’t
    tweet your punches 👊.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Murder On The Wonderland Express.

      I love that title, David. 😀

      I may use it sometime.

      Yes, I don’t believe in tweeting my punches.

  3. ortensia said,

    I don’t want to be irreverent but I can see the Pope and all his cardinals enjoy the sight of that version of the last supper💃🏻

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I 100% agree with you, Ortensia.

      I can see Pope Francis wallpapering it over Michelangelo’s vision of the Last Judgement on the Sistine Chapel. 💃🏻

  4. Aak fictionspawn said,

    Haha! The Kraken would solve a problem or two indeed… I wonder how many it would create 😀 Francis should stay off the acid, methinks.

  5. Hyperion said,

    Its amazing how your fiction is a mirror of our modern reality. Loved the book with forward by DT. Release the Kraken! Its okay if it takes a while. I’m sure we can tolerate the suspension of reality while we wait.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I remember my dad once said that my fiction is a reflection of reality in a carnival hall of mirrors with the reflections actually showing the truth of what’s really going on.

      • Hyperion said,

        Drop your drawers in a carnival hall of mirrors and you’ll see yourself in a new way from every angle. Nothing is the same after that.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No, nothing is the same after that.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ve been drinking bourbon all day and still can’t get that image out of my mind.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I can see the statement from Vladimir Putin on Russian state television now:

        “Donald Trump says his weapons are smarter than ours but our Russian hackers just discovered that a former DARPA employee, after visiting one of our Russian sex websites, ordered a month’s supply of Viagra after visiting a carnival of mirrors while in the nude and drinking a bottle of bourbon while singing Auld Lang Zyne with some crazy 😜 otter. “

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaa haaa haaaa! Life is only interesting once its revealed. I see a memoir on the horizon. What should we name it? An Undercover Adventure, Otterly intriguing Affair.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And then the ghost of Orson Welles seeking to stage a comeback in his long dead film career will make a movie version of it called The Dragon Lady From Shanghai. Like his original film The Lady From Shanghai (which starred himself and Rita Hayworth) the movie will end in a carnival hall of mirrors.

        But instead of one of the characters shooting a gun and blowing out mirrors, Stormy Daniels will be holding a book blowing ceremony for her new autobiography and blowing readers with the accompanying foamy spray and special effects in the mirror.

        Sherrielock Holmes as the Dragon Lady From Shanghai will be tomatoing buns to get a rise out of Stormy’s readers as her prose (or lack thereof) won’t be able to do it.

        The picture will become Welles’ most financially successful as well as the first Welles picture to earn an X-Rating.

      • Hyperion said,

        You know I do believe you could write the screenplay for Orson Welles. I have this vision of an orange skinned crime boss wearing a red spider monkey toupee paying Miss Daniels a large sum of money for a deluxe copy of our story of Hans the Autoincorrect Artificial Intelligence Butler. Miss Daniels wrlcomes our benefactor with open legs and vacuums him right in. Then when he backs out, Sherrielock Holmes smacks his buttery ass back down again. At the end of the session, he’ll be glowing on both ends. Another satisfied customer and our coffers are overflowing.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’d be honoured to write the screenplay for Orson Welles. 😀

        There would be a scene where Donald Trump’s lawyer (played by the ghost of Charles Laughton) meets Stormy Daniels’ lawyer (played by the ghost of Robert Taylor) in a shady looking lounge on the tropical island of Carlotta and says to him, “What would you say if I told you I was the man who could give Miss Daniels $130,000?”.

        Running around the lounge and in the streets where a parade and fireworks are happening is the publisher of the National Enquirer (played by the ghost of Vincent Price) who appears throughout the film speaking Russian with English subtitles

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaa Haaaa Haaaa! I love it.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  6. Apple Rae said,

    I think Pan Goatee only used the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby as an excuse so he could get rid of the ugly lady just because she’s ugly lol this is intense! Like a desire I want to do these days when I see ugly (from the inside) people everywhere.

    I can totally imagine Trump asking that question in the most stupid tone possible.

    I love this chapter and I’m now beginning to fall in love with your writing skills!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      You know the way Pan Goatee’s psyche works quite well, Apple. 😂

      Yes, Trump would most definitely ask that question in the most stupid tone possible. 🤣

      • Apple Rae said,

        Haha 😆 you still owe me an answer though about Princess Tanaka

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


        I thought you would have guessed.

        Princess Tanaka became immortal by riding the White Buffalo.

        When her grandfather had her vision about the one who rides the White Buffalo being able to live until the return of the Great Spirit’s Son and Tanaka asks “I wonder who will ride the White Buffalo?” and Belvedere makes the brilliantly obvious statement, “I don’t know but I imagine they’ll live until the return of the Great Spirit’s Son”, my readers would then know that it was Tanaka who was the one who rode the White Buffalo and became immortal as a result.

        But I guess maybe I should have written a chapter where Tanaka is actually riding the White Buffalo.

      • Apple Rae said,

        Ohhh that’s so silly of me lol. I’m still on the process of creating an image of all your characters in my head since I came in a bit late so i overlooked that one (Lol tryin to make an excuse), but thanks for explaining it to me lol 😆

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Belvedere is a very interesting character.

        I created him 2 years ago.

        The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka is my most recent character that I’ve created in my recent chapter Belvedere and The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka that I wrote this past Sunday April 8th.

        But chapters with Belvedere in them I’ve noticed have been generally the funniest and most humourous of the vampire novel chapters that I have written.

        My other characters generally find themselves in humourous situations as well but then again occasionally in quite serious situations.

        However Belvedere is the one character who consistently finds himself in funny and humourous situations.

        He’s always getting himself into a mess of some sort or another.

        And when he does, he usually makes statements that are either brilliantly obvious or outrageously stupid if not both.

        Here are the first chapters I wrote with Belvedere in them- which are both short in length and funny in their dialogue and situations (I think you’ll enjoy reading them):

      • Apple Rae said,

        Ah! Thanks for the links you provided. Will read them now ☺️

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I hope you enjoy them. 😊

  7. David Redpath said,

    Certainly Christos Feratu.

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