Encore of Dracul, Aphrodite and Ares
Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote almost a year ago:
When Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing returned to his office at MI-6 Diablos Nocturna Division Headquarters, he was surprised to see the Greek goddess Aphrodite sitting there waiting for him.
“Aphrodite,” Dracul said, “What a pleasant surprise. Have you brought more news about Hephaestus?”.
“No,” Aphrodite shook her head, “Hephaestus has given up building missiles for North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. He’s now working on building incredible machines for a steampunk genre sci-fi film about Jack the Ripper escaping down the Thames River in a submarine.”
“I’ll have to see that movie when it comes out,” said Dracul.
“Have you seen the new Wonder Woman film?” Aphrodite asked.
“Not yet,” said Dracul, “but I’d like to. It sounds like an excellent film judging from the reviews. It’s set against the background of the First World War which I’ve recently started studying. The First World War is often overshadowed by World…
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Encore of Lilith, Asmodeus, Kim Jong-un and Aphrodite
Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago:
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood on the Mount of Olives overlooking the old city of Jerusalem.
Alongside her was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf Hitler (his spirit was granted a temporary leave of absence from the Underworld by permission of Hades and Persephone and he had entered and possessed the body of a grey wolf).
Lilith had found the grey wolf wandering the streets of Kiev, Ukraine (where she was currently living) and had adopted the creature as her pet.
She brought him with her to the Holy Land.
“Someday,” Lilith bragged to the grey wolf, “we shall rid this land of all the Jews.”
“Sounds like a splendid idea to me,” the lupine former Fuhrer wagged his tail.
Meanwhile in France, the demon Asmodeus was visiting the village of Rennes-le-Chateau and more specifically the Church of Saint Mary Magdalene.
He had heard that there was a…
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Cooking With Ricardo: A Short Story
Cooking With Ricardo: A Short Story
The Food Channel on television in North America had just started a new program called Cooking With…
Each week would feature a new guest chef 👩🍳 👨🍳.
And the program for that day would be called Cooking With… whatever the guest chef’s name was.
For example, if the guest chef’s name was Carmen, the program would be called Cooking With Carmen. 👩🍳
If the guest chef’s name was Antoine, the program would be called Cooking With Antoine. 👨🍳
If the guest chef happened to be a politician of some sort or other, the program would be called Cooking With Gas.
Today’s program was called Cooking With Ricardo.
Food Channel Announcer: Welcome to today’s guest chef episode on the food channel Cooking With Ricardo. And now… here’s our guest chef… Ricardo.
Guest Chef: Today, I’m going to show you how to cook Vietnamese Style Pork Chops. Yes if you’re Donald Trump and you’ve just invited the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran 🇮🇷 over to your White House to bury the hatchet, nothing will seal friendlier relations between the Iranian and U.S. governments in the future than a delicious 😋 meal of Vietnamese style pork chops. While you’re at it, invite Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu over for dinner as well. I’m sure Vietnamese Style Pork Chops would be considered very kosher by the leading Orthodox rabbis in Israel.
(The guest chef emits a loud belch)
Guest Chef: Excuse me. That Johnnie Walker whisky 🥃 tasted as good coming up as it did going down. Now, I got this recipe for Vietnamese Style Pork Chops from my former Vietnamese girlfriend Ho Babylon Minh who broke up with me for some reason after watching her first Ron Jeremy porn film. She claimed Ron Jeremy had something I didn’t. I don’t know what that is. She also broke up later on with a house painter named Bill Campbell for the same reason.
Now for the Vietnamese Pork Chops Ho Babylon Minh style you use 4 pork chops although you can use other kinds of meat 🍖 🥩 as well as I sometimes do.
Okay,
The ingredients-
4 pork chops- bone 🍖 about 1 inch thick although Ho preferred her bones a lot thicker.
2 red bell peppers 🌶 seeded and quartered.
1/3 cup mirin.
2 tbsp rice vinegar.
1 tbsp sambal oelek or to taste (Ho told me I didn’t have any).
1 English cucumber 🥒 seeded and cut into small sticks.
2 cups thinly sliced red cabbage.
Hoisin sauce (optional).
Salt and pepper.
Directions-
1- Preheat the grill setting the burners to High. Brush oil onto the grate.
2- Oil the meat and bell peppers then season with salt and pepper.
3- Grill the meat about 5 minutes on each side or until medium rare. Set aside on a plate and let rest for 5 minutes.
4- Meanwhile grill the peppers on each side.
5- In a small bowl combine the mirin, rice vinegar and sambal oelek.
6- Place the chops on serving plates. Serve with the cucumber and roasted peppers. Add the red cabbage over the vegetables. Drizzle with the dressing. Serve with a little hoisin sauce if desired.
(The guest chef then emits a loud belch)
Guest chef: I’d like to thank my assistant Johnnie Walker for helping me get through this program. I’d like to thank the Food Channel for having me. And I’d like to thank you the television audience for inviting me into your home (I still miss Ho Babylon Minh’s place). This will probably be the first and last episode of Cooking With Ricardo that you’ll ever see.
Food Channel Announcer: You’ve got that right, Ricardo.
Guest chef: Oh, I’m not Ricardo.
Food Channel Announcer: You’re not Ricardo? Who the Hell are you then?
Guest chef: I’m Umberto his former friend.
Food Channel Announcer: Where the Hell is Ricardo?
Umberto (holding up a bone 🍖): Well, here’s a piece of him here. (Holds up another bone 🍖) And here’s another piece of him here.
(Smiles at the camera 🎥) I’m Umberto your guest chef and I’ve been cooking with… Ricardo.
-A short story written by
Christopher
Tuesday May 29th
2018.
Ho Babylon Minh: Former girl friend of today’s guest chef
Pan Goatee Watches The Lady From Shanghai and Then Kills The Uglies From Hell
Pan Goatee Watches The Lady From Shanghai and Then Kills The Uglies From Hell
Pan Goatee was on his way to a photo shoot at Lake Louise in Alberta’s Blue Canadian Rockies (that the beautiful World War II British singer Vera Lynn used to sing about).
He was doing a photo shoot for the cover of Gentleman’s Quarterly in a cover story to be called The World’s Best Dressed Psychopaths.
While waiting for the limousine to drive him to Lake Louise, he was staying at a hotel in Calgary.
The Alberta Government issued an Emergency Alert Bulletin advising all fat ugly blimps to keep off the streets and out of public places.
Pan Goatee spent a pleasant late afternoon watching the 1947 classic film The Lady From Shanghai (that starred Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth) on TV’s Turner Classic Movies.
When the movie was over, Pan Goatee performed The Loco-Motion both in song and on parts of his anatomy with images of the lovely and beautiful Rita Hayworth running through his mind.
“They certainly don’t make women like that anymore and that’s a shame because they were marvellous,” Pan Goatee did a voice impersonation of the late American comic Jerry Lewis.
Pan Goatee then went to ride the Calgary Public Transit System.
There were no fat ugly blimps riding the system but there were a couple of thin ugly ones.
“Hey, just because you’re thin and ugly as opposed to fat and ugly doesn’t make you any less ugly,” Pan Goatee said prior to beheading both of the thin uglos.
Later in the hotel room, Pan Goatee seethed, “This is all Pope Francis’ fault for saying Hell doesn’t exist. Hades has been forced to close the place and that has left all the uglies loose running wild upon the earth. I should text message Hades advising him to tell Francis to go fuck himself.”
Pan Goatee got on his smart phone and did just that.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 28th
2018.
Irish Leprechauns Slain By Serpent
Irish Leprechauns Slain By Serpent
Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol had arranged to meet British MP Renfield R. Renfield at London’s Highgate Cemetery the burial place of Karl Marx.
Whitstable had just come into possession of a shocking video shot by Alec O’ Connaught (the man they called the Irish Alex Jones) within the past 24 hours.
For his brave and gallant efforts in shooting the shocking video, Alec O’ Connaught found himself butchered and cut into tiny pieces by the Irish goddess Maeve the former Queen of Connaught and daughter of a High King of Ireland.
And as such, Alec O’ Connaught would no longer be broadcasting live from the basement of the Guinness brewery in Dublin on a program he called Infodraughtwars.
Instead he might be broadcasting dead from Purgatory in the realm of Hades provided that classical Greco-Roman god of the Underworld gave him permission.
Rather foolishly on his part, O’ Connaught gave the video directly to Whitstable rather than broadcasting it live on his Infodraughtwars program where it would have most likely enjoyed the greatest most viewed and most watched occultic conspiracy theory videos status in YouTube history.
But O’ Connaught decided to hand the video to Whitstable for viewing first and broadcast it later.
O’ Connaught had his throat slashed later that early morning in the Guinness brewery basement by the goddess Maeve the former Queen of Connaught.
His last words before dying were “Glug! Glug! Glug!” as he had his mouth attached to one of the kegs of Guinness draught in a ritual he always performed before going live on the air.
Whitstable when he saw the video in the Interpol office in London quite literally shit his pants when he saw it.
A week earlier he had run into Renfield buying 1500 grams of cheese 🧀 in the dairy 🥛 section of the neighbourhood grocery store and overheard Renfield complaining to the cashier about a recent bout of irregularity he had been having.
Whitstable figured that this video would help cure him of that problem.
Renfield agreed to view the video but didn’t want to view it in his office.
The British MP had recently heard that they were going to do a midnight Sunday evening showing of the 1942 classic Hollywood film Casablanca with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman at an outdoor screen in London’s Highgate Cemetery and Renfield wanted to get there early to get a good picnic spot for his blanket.
Renfield had never seen Casablanca before and the film had come highly recommended to him by his friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
So while Renfield found a good spot and set up his picnic basket (he had the food locked 🔒 away in a refrigerator under combination lock to keep it away from his friend and housemate Amadeus Emanon), Whitstable set down his projector 📽 and roll of film and began running it on the Cemetery outdoor screen while others were taking their seats on their respective picnic blankets.
The grisly video (shot by the late Alec O’ Connaught) showed the golden cobra serpent Maitreya the new High King of Ireland (recently crowned High King of Ireland 🇮🇪 on the Hill of Tara this past Saint Patrick’s Day March 17th) standing alongside his wife Cleopatra (the former Queen of Egypt resurrected from the dead by Maitreya earlier this year was Maitreya’s consort and the new High Queen of Ireland).
Dressed in gothic attire, the new High Queen of Ireland 🇮🇪 announced from the steps of a Dublin apartment building that the leprechauns unlike the majority of the Irish people had refused to recognize her consort the serpent Maitreya as the new High King of Ireland and now must pay the price.
Renfield on seeing Queen Cleopatra (dressed in gothic attire) immediately lifted his right hand and started singing his own paraphrased version of the Kylie Minogue song The Loco-Motion with accompanying gestures and movements (made popular by members of the Perilous Physicists’ Society).
Renfield ended up shooting a London policeman who wanted to arrest the MP for performing an act of public indecency.
Meanwhile on the screen, the Whitstable projector 📽 showed the Alec O’ Connaught film of Maitreya the serpent (who had grown a pair of reptilian arms and reptilian legs) with a golden sword and the Irish goddess Maeve the former Queen of Connaught with a silver sword going and slaughtering all the leprechauns of Ireland 🇮🇪.
The blood of the leprechauns soon reached as high as the top of the Lia Fail (Stone of Destiny) on the County Meath landmark of the Hill of Tara.
Billionaire investor George Soros (who was in Ireland having backed the winning side in a recent Irish referendum) broke into tears on the nearby hill of Rath Maeve saying, “Why didn’t you ask them where they had buried their pots of gold before killing them?”.
Meanwhile Renfield’s irregularity came to an abrupt end upon viewing the slaughter of the leprechauns in the O’ Connaught film.
As did the irregularity of all other moviegoers sitting upon their picnic blankets.
“Bloody Hell,” cried the cemetery caretaker (much to the shock of a nearby English Roman Catholic priest recently personally ordained by Pope Francis), “this is going to be one Hell of a mess to clean up tomorrow morning.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 27th
2018.
Kwan Yin and Kim and Moon and The Surprise “Hollywood” Style Summit
Kwan Yin and Kim and Moon and the Surprise “Hollywood” Style Summit
After Donald Trump threw a temper tantrum and pulled red spider monkeys out of his hair and cancelled the June 12th Singapore Peace Summit in an announcement this past Thursday May 24th, Kwan Yin the Asian Buddhist goddess of mercy had asked Thoth the Egyptian god of wisdom, the moon and magic along with his immortal formerly mortal companion Serena the Time Traveler to go to the Underworld realm of Hades and ask the entity Hades (known to the Romans as Pluto) to release the ghost of the great film director Orson Welles from Purgatory.
In the past, Hades normally had to consult with the earthly Pope of Rome before he could do such things but since the current Pope Francis no longer believed in Purgatory (or even Hell for that matter), he was able to immediately accede to Kwan Yin’s request.
The ghost of Orson Welles left Hades saying, “Paul Masson will sell no wine 🍷 before its time but Hades will release my ghost before my time.”
Thoth and Serena escorted Welles to the DMZ (demilitarized zone) on the Korean Peninsula where Kwan Yin gave Welles a deadline of 48 hours to arrange a surprise “Hollywood” style summit between North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean President Moon Jae-in.
Welles never followed deadlines much in his mortal life (which is why most American film studios in Hollywood became reluctant to work with him) but what he had failed to do in life, he achieved in death.
The surprise summit happened today Saturday May 26th 2018.
Also present at the surprise summit were Kwan Yin herself as well as the Chinese Communist vampiress Meiling Manchu (who had recently broken with Chinese President Xi Jinping on the grounds he had become a Mao like cult leader and total totalitarian despot) and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Kim and Moon agreed to carry on talks for a planned Singapore Peace Summit between Trump and Kim on June 12th.
Meiling and Qonzilqointec were to go to the White House in Washington DC and hold down the Trumpster while the immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes tomatoed the toupee wearing blowhard’s buttocks with her whip until he agreed to go to the summit as planned.
When Moon and Kim finished their meeting, Orson Welles asked Kwan Yin if it would not be possible for his ghost to remain out of Hades for a while so he could visit London, England 🏴 of which he had fond memories.
Kwan Yin, Thoth and Serena then text messaged Hades on their Divine Celestial Samsung Galaxy 6 Billion Model Smart Phones and put in a special request for the successful director of the surprise “Hollywood” style summit in the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone to spend some more time out of the realm of Hades.
Hades agreed.
He had no objections.
Especially since Welles was consuming most of the wine 🍷 available in the Underworld to the dismay of other clients and patrons.
Kwan Yin the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 26th
2018.
Renfield Sees A Ghost At Windsor Castle
Renfield Sees A Ghost At Windsor Castle
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was the sole politician in the world to have been among the 600 officially invited guests to the wedding ceremony of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle on this Saturday May 19th 2018 in Saint George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle.
Renfield managed to get an invitation to the wedding by presenting Prince Harry and Meghan with an original painting of the wedding ceremony at Cana of Galilee (where the Lord Jesus Christ turned water into wine 🍷- one Biblical passage that is not often talked about in most teetotaling Baptist Church sermons) painted by the great early 19th Century Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai. Renfield gave the painting to the couple on the very day they announced their engagement on November 27th of last year.
The Queen approved of the invitation to Renfield as she was rather fond of him since he saved one of her Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool.
Renfield arrived dressed in a dashing looking formal suit, tie, top hat and late Victorian early Edwardian walking stick.
He also wore a red rose 🌹 in his lapel (a red rose that had been given to him by his good friend the famous London art gallery dealer Dashwood Forrest).
Dashwood was grateful to him because Renfield managed to convince Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to postpone laser eye surgery treatment on some rather important celestial deities and instead perform surgery on and stitch together Forrest’s living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie 🧟♂️.
Mulligan had been blown to pieces when he had rather heroically landed on top of a suicide bomber to prevent anyone else being injured or killed at the official opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem earlier this week.
In addition to giving Renfield the rose to put in his lapel, Dashwood also showed him the latest painting he had acquired painted by the little known Renaissance English painter Henry Tudor (better known to history as Henry VIII).
The painting was of Henry’s mistress later 2nd wife Anne Boleyn.
Coincidentally enough, Anne Boleyn herself had been beheaded on this date May 19th back in 1536.
“So that’s what Anne Boleyn looked like before she lost her head eh?” Renfield whistled, “Quite the catch.”
Renfield thoroughly enjoyed the service at Saint George’s Chapel.
He thought he might be able to catch some sleep during the sermon (as Renfield often slept through most sermons given by Church of England clergy) but to his surprise the sermon was given by the Presiding Bishop of the U.S. Episcopal Church Bishop Michael Bruce Curry who spoke with all the passion and fervour of a Southern Gospel preacher or Pentecostal minister.
Renfield was absolutely riveted by Bishop Curry’s address on The Power of Love (as was everyone else in Saint George’s Chapel on this day).
He made a mental note to himself to ask his friend Amadeus Emanon to lend him his Bible so he could read for himself The Song of Solomon to which Bishop Curry referred.
After the service, Renfield went to the wedding reception to enjoy some wedding cake.
He however was not among the 200 guests made up of close friends and family who were invited to the reception hosted by Charles Prince of Wales at Frogmore House on Saturday night.
So Renfield chose to walk around Windsor Castle late at night.
It was then that Renfield saw the woman who was the spitting image of Anne Boleyn in the Henry Tudor painting now in the possession of Dashwood Forrest.
The ghost of Anne Boleyn- this time with her head once again upon her shoulders.
“Wow!” Renfield thought aloud, “Anne Boleyn must have been so happy by the union of Harry and Meghan in life that her head and body have now united in death.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 19th
2018.
Reblog of Dashwood Forrest Meets Ivanka Trump
Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago:
Dashwood Forrest stood in the middle of his hotel room dressed like Gainsborough’s Blue Boy and stared at himself in the full length mirror on the wall.
“I’m beginning to have some idea of how Narcissus must have felt when he saw his own reflection,” Dashwood swooned.
There was a knock at the door.
“Mulligan, would you please answer that,” Dashwood called out to his Irish zombie manservant, “and please put a towel over your head. I don’t want you frightening anybody like you did the cleaning staff this morning. It took a $50 tip to bring them back again.”
Mulligan put a towel over his head and went to open the door.
He crashed into several lamps on his way to find the door.
“Watch where you’re going, Mulligan!” Dashwood exclaimed.
“It’s rather difficult to see where I’m going wearing a towel over my head,” Mulligan complained as he…
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Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot
Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot
Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee left the department store where he had gone to take a piss (or “rather to leave one” as he often told people).
He was headed for the Public Transit train 🚊 station platform next to the shopping mall.
He had his astral machete at the ready in case there was a vast array of fat ugly blimps on the platform like there was a couple of days ago.
The spectacle of landscape blemishing blimps had caused havoc for several deities who had made the mistake of visiting this city in the spring when the human cows come out of hibernation.
Both Zeus and Shiva had gone blind and were now awaiting divine laser eyesight restoration treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s optometry laboratory at Set Enterprises in London.
The Norse god Odin had wisely put a patch over his good eye on the platform but this caused him to stumble and he fell and hit his head.
The blow on the head had caused him to have a momentary drop in IQ.
On the other hand if the drop in IQ turned out to be permanent, he was rumoured to be named to a cabinet position in Donald Trump’s cabinet (which given the length of longevity in serving in the Trump White House in any position, that could be any one trillionth of a nanosecond now).
As Pan Goatee walked across the parking lot, he saw a beautiful Indian woman just ahead of him.
The serial killing former musician for the classical baroque and heavy metal playing rock band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers happily started singing and composing a song on the spot, “Won’t you please play Bolly on my wood?”.
She sadly got into a car and before you know it poor Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a white fat ugly blimp approaching him.
“What an abomination of desolation,” Pan Goatee expressed himself in Biblical terms, “and to think there are some sports and reality TV watching bozos in this city who think that whites are the master race.”
Pan Goatee promptly cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head.
He was so angry by the sudden advent of sheer unblessed ugliness to his sight, he used his astral machete to laserly dissect and cut up the blimp of a woman into a trillion x a trillion tiny pieces making any form of identification impossible and forever rendering impossible the breaking of the infinitely happy news to next of kin.
Meanwhile in Oslo Norway 🇳🇴, a new Nobel committee had been formed.
The committee was meeting to award the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.
The Swedish member of the Committee was speaking.
He had recently returned to Scandinavia totally shell shocked after having made the mistake of visiting a certain city in Western Canada in the springtime.
He had stopped over in London prior to his return to Oslo to receive emergency treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laser optometry lab.
The Swedish member suggested that satyr serial killer Pan Goatee receive the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.
The remark did not go over so well with the sole non-Scandinavian female fat ugly blimp member of the committee (who wore a gigantic paper bag over her head on the Committee Chairman’s orders).
Which reminds one of that old joke:
Question: Why are Scandinavian women all so beautiful 😍?
Answer: Because the Vikings never brought back any ugly women on their raids.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 17th
2018.
One Wedding and A Funeral But Zero Hugh Grants
A very interesting blog post that Christine has written about May 19th – the date that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have chosen for their wedding.
In this fascinating piece of writing, Christine even brings in Anne Boleyn’s ghost in a blog post that’s part history lesson and part ghost story.
All eyes will be on St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle next Saturday, May 19, 2018 as Prince Harry ties the knot with his American princess, Meghan Markle.
The event has been dubbed the ‘wedding of the century’ – much in the same way the wedding of Harry’s parents, Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer back in 1981 was the ‘wedding of the (20th) century’. These nuptials, however, are filled with controversy.
In case you have been living under a rock, or missing the News, I will fill you in on the juicy details.
Former bad boy and beloved troublemaker Prince Harry – AKA Henry Charles Albert David Windsor, Prince of Wales – announced his engagement to American actress Meghan Markle on November 27, 2017. Harry’s former outrageous antics include underage drinking, pot smoking, dressing as a Nazi for a costume party, and being photographed naked after he…
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Dracul Van Helsing 
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