Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

May 17, 2018 at 9:53 pm (Aesthetics, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee left the department store where he had gone to take a piss (or “rather to leave one” as he often told people).

He was headed for the Public Transit train 🚊 station platform next to the shopping mall.

He had his astral machete at the ready in case there was a vast array of fat ugly blimps on the platform like there was a couple of days ago.

The spectacle of landscape blemishing blimps had caused havoc for several deities who had made the mistake of visiting this city in the spring when the human cows come out of hibernation.

Both Zeus and Shiva had gone blind and were now awaiting divine laser eyesight restoration treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s optometry laboratory at Set Enterprises in London.

The Norse god Odin had wisely put a patch over his good eye on the platform but this caused him to stumble and he fell and hit his head.

The blow on the head had caused him to have a momentary drop in IQ.

On the other hand if the drop in IQ turned out to be permanent, he was rumoured to be named to a cabinet position in Donald Trump’s cabinet (which given the length of longevity in serving in the Trump White House in any position, that could be any one trillionth of a nanosecond now).

As Pan Goatee walked across the parking lot, he saw a beautiful Indian woman just ahead of him.

The serial killing former musician for the classical baroque and heavy metal playing rock band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers happily started singing and composing a song on the spot, “Won’t you please play Bolly on my wood?”.

She sadly got into a car and before you know it poor Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a white fat ugly blimp approaching him.

“What an abomination of desolation,” Pan Goatee expressed himself in Biblical terms, “and to think there are some sports and reality TV watching bozos in this city who think that whites are the master race.”

Pan Goatee promptly cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head.

He was so angry by the sudden advent of sheer unblessed ugliness to his sight, he used his astral machete to laserly dissect and cut up the blimp of a woman into a trillion x a trillion tiny pieces making any form of identification impossible and forever rendering impossible the breaking of the infinitely happy news to next of kin.

Meanwhile in Oslo Norway 🇳🇴, a new Nobel committee had been formed.

The committee was meeting to award the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The Swedish member of the Committee was speaking.

He had recently returned to Scandinavia totally shell shocked after having made the mistake of visiting a certain city in Western Canada in the springtime.

He had stopped over in London prior to his return to Oslo to receive emergency treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laser optometry lab.

The Swedish member suggested that satyr serial killer Pan Goatee receive the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The remark did not go over so well with the sole non-Scandinavian female fat ugly blimp member of the committee (who wore a gigantic paper bag over her head on the Committee Chairman’s orders).

Which reminds one of that old joke:

Question: Why are Scandinavian women all so beautiful 😍?

Answer: Because the Vikings never brought back any ugly women on their raids.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 17th


  1. George F. said,

    “and to think there are some sports and reality TV watching bozos in this city…”
    So….now I get it…the inspiration for your blog comes from watching your roommates! LOL! Loved it as always, Dracul!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      On this particular day, it came from my roommates, yes.

      Too bad nanite beds weren’t real.

      I could suggest that the teetotaler evangelical Christian group that owns the house buy some for their tenants.

      I can sleep on the sofa overnight when Paul sends out the subliminal message about buying and drinking Guinness and Jack Daniels and why not bring it home and drink it in your room and then I’ll anonymously phone the teetotaler evangelical Christian organization landlord and strongly suggest a surprise house inspection that day.

      • George F. said,

        LOL! You slay me bro!! BTW, check out new post, Akira evolves. She’s getting eviler…almost more vampiress-ey!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Okay, I’ll check it out tomorrow when my mind is fully recovered.

        The Calgary Public Transit Train system decided to break down across the board today.

        It took me 7 hours to get back home from downtown today.

        I still don’t know if I’m in any shape to post a fresh vampire novel chapter tonight.

      • George F. said,

        Recover first. Long 7 hours. I shall meditate on you pain…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you, George.

        I appreciate that. 🙂

      • George F. said,

        I have meditated on your pain. Very uncomfortable. I switched my thoughts to butterflies instead.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Butterflies 🦋 are very beautiful.

        I remember a few days ago, a beautiful restaurant hostess (such women are indeed a rarity in Calgary) was standing talking to me on an outdoor patio lounge when a butterfly 🦋 suddenly landed on her hand and stayed there for a few minutes.

        I had never seen such a phenomenon before.

        When I think back, I really should have recorded a video of it with my iPhone and posted it online.

        I suppose the butterfly was used to seeing fat ugly blimps around the city which the poor creature finds extremely frightening and was so relieved to actually find a beautiful female specimen of the species homo sapien (if such fat ugly blimps are indeed actually Homo sapiens and not some sinister malevolent form of gigantic ET aliens that Stephen Hawking was desperately trying to warn the human race about just before he died) within the boundaries of the city, that it couldn’t bring itself to leave her hand.

      • George F. said,

        Christ (who may or may not exist) you fricken crack me up!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think a lot of the cardinals in the Vatican (and maybe even Pope Francis himself) wonder whether or not Christ actually exists.

        Especially those who adhere to the theories of the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

        As soon as the racist roommate gets kicked out of the house for drinking (I’ve actually been praying that he falls off the wagon so he’ll fucking get out of the house) and my mind will be in a state where I can post freshly written material again, I’m going to eventually write a chapter with Teilhard in it.

  2. Shreya Sukrity said,

    Again a nice content.

  3. Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot | Fantasy Gift Sources: Book Reviews, Article Resources, News said,

    […] via Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot — Dracul Van Helsing […]

  4. David Redpath said,

    Chris, I’ve heard the Donald
    use a similiar turn of phrase
    as Pan Goatee. Example;
    “People are so hard to please
    and just piss me off!
    So people, piss on me
    and please my …. ”
    You get the picture
    (and apparently, so did Putin).

  5. Silent Hour said,

    Ha ha ha!

  6. Aak fictionspawn said,

    Maybe it’s not really a joke… 😉

  7. ortensia said,

    I say Pan Goatee well deserve his nobel🥇

  8. Orvillewrong said,

    Obviously the Vikings were more sussed than was realised!

  9. Hyperion said,

    Those Vikings and Pan Goatee probably had the same mother.

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