Pan Goatee Watches The Lady From Shanghai and Then Kills The Uglies From Hell

May 28, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Pan Goatee Watches The Lady From Shanghai and Then Kills The Uglies From Hell

Pan Goatee was on his way to a photo shoot at Lake Louise in Alberta’s Blue Canadian Rockies (that the beautiful World War II British singer Vera Lynn used to sing about).

He was doing a photo shoot for the cover of Gentleman’s Quarterly in a cover story to be called The World’s Best Dressed Psychopaths.

While waiting for the limousine to drive him to Lake Louise, he was staying at a hotel in Calgary.

The Alberta Government issued an Emergency Alert Bulletin advising all fat ugly blimps to keep off the streets and out of public places.

Pan Goatee spent a pleasant late afternoon watching the 1947 classic film The Lady From Shanghai (that starred Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth) on TV’s Turner Classic Movies.

When the movie was over, Pan Goatee performed The Loco-Motion both in song and on parts of his anatomy with images of the lovely and beautiful Rita Hayworth running through his mind.

“They certainly don’t make women like that anymore and that’s a shame because they were marvellous,” Pan Goatee did a voice impersonation of the late American comic Jerry Lewis.

Pan Goatee then went to ride the Calgary Public Transit System.

There were no fat ugly blimps riding the system but there were a couple of thin ugly ones.

“Hey, just because you’re thin and ugly as opposed to fat and ugly doesn’t make you any less ugly,” Pan Goatee said prior to beheading both of the thin uglos.

Later in the hotel room, Pan Goatee seethed, “This is all Pope Francis’ fault for saying Hell doesn’t exist. Hades has been forced to close the place and that has left all the uglies loose running wild upon the earth. I should text message Hades advising him to tell Francis to go fuck himself.”

Pan Goatee got on his smart phone and did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 28th


  1. Orvillewrong said,

    It would be good to re-program him to clear out the ugly politicians!

  2. David Redpath said,

    Chris, could Pan Goatee
    possibly be the alter ego
    of someone we both know?

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