Cooking With Ricardo: A Short Story

May 29, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Short Story) (, , , , )

Cooking With Ricardo: A Short Story

The Food Channel on television in North America had just started a new program called Cooking With…

Each week would feature a new guest chef ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿณ ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿณ.

And the program for that day would be called Cooking With… whatever the guest chefโ€™s name was.

For example, if the guest chefโ€™s name was Carmen, the program would be called Cooking With Carmen. ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿณ

If the guest chefโ€™s name was Antoine, the program would be called Cooking With Antoine. ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿณ

If the guest chef happened to be a politician of some sort or other, the program would be called Cooking With Gas.

Todayโ€™s program was called Cooking With Ricardo.

Food Channel Announcer: Welcome to todayโ€™s guest chef episode on the food channel Cooking With Ricardo. And now… hereโ€™s our guest chef… Ricardo.

Guest Chef: Today, Iโ€™m going to show you how to cook Vietnamese Style Pork Chops. Yes if youโ€™re Donald Trump and youโ€™ve just invited the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ท over to your White House to bury the hatchet, nothing will seal friendlier relations between the Iranian and U.S. governments in the future than a delicious ๐Ÿ˜‹ meal of Vietnamese style pork chops. While youโ€™re at it, invite Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu over for dinner as well. Iโ€™m sure Vietnamese Style Pork Chops would be considered very kosher by the leading Orthodox rabbis in Israel.

(The guest chef emits a loud belch)

Guest Chef: Excuse me. That Johnnie Walker whisky ๐Ÿฅƒ tasted as good coming up as it did going down. Now, I got this recipe for Vietnamese Style Pork Chops from my former Vietnamese girlfriend Ho Babylon Minh who broke up with me for some reason after watching her first Ron Jeremy porn film. She claimed Ron Jeremy had something I didnโ€™t. I donโ€™t know what that is. She also broke up later on with a house painter named Bill Campbell for the same reason.

Now for the Vietnamese Pork Chops Ho Babylon Minh style you use 4 pork chops although you can use other kinds of meat ๐Ÿ– ๐Ÿฅฉ as well as I sometimes do.


The ingredients-

4 pork chops- bone ๐Ÿ– about 1 inch thick although Ho preferred her bones a lot thicker.
2 red bell peppers ๐ŸŒถ seeded and quartered.
1/3 cup mirin.
2 tbsp rice vinegar.
1 tbsp sambal oelek or to taste (Ho told me I didnโ€™t have any).
1 English cucumber ๐Ÿฅ’ seeded and cut into small sticks.
2 cups thinly sliced red cabbage.
Hoisin sauce (optional).
Salt and pepper.


1- Preheat the grill setting the burners to High. Brush oil onto the grate.

2- Oil the meat and bell peppers then season with salt and pepper.

3- Grill the meat about 5 minutes on each side or until medium rare. Set aside on a plate and let rest for 5 minutes.

4- Meanwhile grill the peppers on each side.

5- In a small bowl combine the mirin, rice vinegar and sambal oelek.

6- Place the chops on serving plates. Serve with the cucumber and roasted peppers. Add the red cabbage over the vegetables. Drizzle with the dressing. Serve with a little hoisin sauce if desired.

(The guest chef then emits a loud belch)

Guest chef: Iโ€™d like to thank my assistant Johnnie Walker for helping me get through this program. Iโ€™d like to thank the Food Channel for having me. And Iโ€™d like to thank you the television audience for inviting me into your home (I still miss Ho Babylon Minhโ€™s place). This will probably be the first and last episode of Cooking With Ricardo that youโ€™ll ever see.

Food Channel Announcer: Youโ€™ve got that right, Ricardo.

Guest chef: Oh, Iโ€™m not Ricardo.

Food Channel Announcer: Youโ€™re not Ricardo? Who the Hell are you then?

Guest chef: Iโ€™m Umberto his former friend.

Food Channel Announcer: Where the Hell is Ricardo?

Umberto (holding up a bone ๐Ÿ–): Well, hereโ€™s a piece of him here. (Holds up another bone ๐Ÿ–) And hereโ€™s another piece of him here.
(Smiles at the camera ๐ŸŽฅ) Iโ€™m Umberto your guest chef and Iโ€™ve been cooking with… Ricardo.

-A short story written by
Tuesday May 29th

Ho Babylon Minh: Former girl friend of todayโ€™s guest chef


  1. David Redpath said,

    If Umberto was substituting
    pork, with Ricardo, then surely
    his Vietnamese Pork Ribs
    would be Kosher ?!

  2. David Redpath said,

    And that Ho Babylon Minh
    sure is demanding!
    No wonder Nixon could never
    get a peace deal with her
    Grandad, the Big Ho Minh.
    Not at least till Nixon was bent over a desk, at midnight
    in Paris, and given a Saigon
    Knee Quaker.

  3. ortensia said,

    I wonder what I will think about at the next bbq๐Ÿ˜‚

  4. The Controversial Indian said,

    Is it possible that the pig’s name is Ricardo ?!

  5. Orvillewrong said,

    Just the thing for a kosher supper!

  6. Anony Mole said,

    Former girlfriend eh? Maybe you need to feed her Spagetti-Os.

  7. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Spaghetti-Os – now there’s a word I haven’t heard in ages.

    I remember on TV commercials as a kid, they had commercials for a product called Spaghetti-Os.

    I remember some kid saying “Oh, oh, Spaghetti-Os”.

    Hadn’t thought about that in years.

  8. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HAHAHAHAHA*snort*!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ I can’t stop laughing!!! ๐Ÿ˜›
    Umberto must be a relative of Hannibal Lecter!!!
    HUGS!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. thebookwormdrinketh said,

    … I wonder what kind of Johnnie Walker… Red label? Black Label? Blue label?? Which one tastes as good coming up? ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Maybe you can try an experiment and find out. ๐Ÿฅƒ ๐Ÿฅƒ ๐Ÿฅƒ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

      • thebookwormdrinketh said,

        Already on it! ๐Ÿฅƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Along with Lionel Richie, youโ€™ll be dancing ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป on the ceiling. ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿฅƒ๐Ÿฅƒ๐Ÿฅƒ

  10. pramegha said,

    Hilarious! And the ending……no words๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  11. minniechef said,

    Love this recipe weโ€™re did you get it from. Tv? I would not know because our tv does not have a antenna but you can not complain for something you never had.๐Ÿคช

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