Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

June 9, 2018 at 10:31 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

Pan Goatee was on a mission for DARPA.

He had been sent to this city to assassinate a pre-eminent Alberta cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA (the actual head of DARPA who was code named Enema Enigma to hide his identity in civilian life was currently in hospital in Dublin undergoing a massive enigmatic enema after having come 2nd in An All The Blocks of Cheese 🧀 You Can Eat eating contest losing to an Irish barking dog (as opposed to Irish speaking dog) named Kurt. Kurt’s win for some reason caused the Italian Google Translate search engine to crash) had personally given Pan Goatee his orders for the assassination of the cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep told Pan that the orders for the assassination had come from the very top but did not elaborate as to what the term “very top” meant.

He did tell Goatee that the assassination target was a wealthy Alberta cattle rancher who was a major financial donor to the Canadian Federal Liberal Party (which was very unusual for an Albertan) and also a man who was a very enthusiastic supporter of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (also very unusual for an Albertan).

So Goatee deduced that this high ranking official who had ordered the assassination was obviously someone who was very pissed off 😡 with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Goatee was now in this Alberta city to go assassinate the wealthy cattle rancher and enthusiastic supporter of Justin Trudeau.

He was currently riding the Public Transit System Train 🚊 in the city on his way to the hotel where the wealthy cattle rancher was staying.

As Pan Goatee sat in his seat 💺 while the train pulled in at a train station platform, he noticed an extremely and very repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp approaching towards the train car he was sitting in.

“Choose another car you fatso uglo,” Goatee thought to himself.

Instead the fatso uglo being demonically possessed got on the very train car Goatee was riding in.

Pan immediately reached for his astral laser machete but realized that he had dropped it off at The Invisible Chinaman’s Astral Cleaning Chinese Laundry in Calgary’s Chinatown to get it cleaned.

Pan had used the machete to try to cut an immensely tough steak 🥩 at the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant downtown and had spilled the awful tasting massive lumps of gravy all over his machete.

As a result, he was now getting it cleaned.

Pan moved over so that the fat ugly blimp would not sit next to him.

Instead the fat ugly blimp sat right behind him.

Then she crawled next to him and under his seat to pick up some rather long cigarette butts the fat ugly creature intended to smoke later.

“You fucking ugly looking fat blimp,” Goatee said in a statement that was definitely a brilliant grasp of the obvious, “I’m going to pummel your fat ugly face to bits.”

He proceeded to do just that.

He then ripped her fat ugly body to bits with his long fingernails.

Pan noticed that just before he pummeled the fat ugly blimp’s face to death that a blind man had accidentally pressed Take Photo on his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Mobile Exceptionally Smart Phone while attempting to send a text message in braille to an NFL referee.

“May I borrow your phone?” Goatee asked the blind man and then spoke to the smart phone’s avatar helper PANDORA, “would you please send that last photo taken to the following mobile phone number?”.

Goatee then said aloud the number.

The number belonged to Calgary’s resident white supremacist leader Brutus Campbell.

Goatee included a text message with the photo of the fat ugly blimp that said, “Hey asshole as you’re busy shooting your mouth off about the superiority of the white race, take a look at this photo of this fat ugly blimp which is what the majority of white women look like in this city since you’re too stupid to have noticed.”

Goatee then pressed Send.

Brutus Campbell had moments before just received a text message with accompanying selfie from a black man in drag who said, “Hey, I just met an acquaintance who said that you’ve recently come out of the closet and you’re looking for a gay trannie to show you the ropes- the BDSM ropes that is.”

No sooner had Brutus Campbell looked at the photo of the black man in drag then the photo of the white raced fat ugly blimp (that Pan Goatee had sent him) appeared to him.

“Egad! I’m blind! I’m blind!” Brutus Campbell shouted in what a Master’s Degree student in Classical Greek (who was writing his Master’s thesis on the plays of Sophocles) considered the worst performance of Oedipus Rex that he had ever seen as he walked by.

. . .

The toupee wearing man they call Donald Trump was en route to Singapore.

As he noticed red spider monkey fur dandruff drops falling out of his toupee, he wondered if there were any porn stars aboard the plane ✈️ who would be willing to give him a blow job.

He asked one of his aides to find him one.

Trump had just been attending the G-7 Summit in La Malbaie in the Canadian province of Quebec.

Originally Trump had signed on to the La Malbaie G-7 Summit communique but after watching a televised statement that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made at a press conference, the U.S. leader threw a temper tantrum and instructed his aides to say he was now signing off.

As Trump thought about how well he was personally defending the interests of American labour, industry and agriculture, he bit into a piece of Alberta grown steak 🥩 that he had asked be prepared for him.

As Trump bit into the steak 🥩 that had been prepared for him by the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant in downtown Calgary, he choked on the extremely tough piece of meat.

“There will be Hell to pay for this,” Trump shouted as he angrily sent a text message to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 9th


  1. Hyperion said,

    Ah the twists and turns this world takes on its way to multiple retributions. It just goes to show that porn star lives matter. If we could just get past our virulent Puritan hatred of women who take good care of themselves, diet, exercise, and live wholesome and healthy lives, Pan could relax and porn stars everywhere could continue to form the sexual norms of society in a healthy butt spanking, hair pulling way.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Exactly, Daniel. 😂🤣

      You must have been taking notes when Renfield R. Renfield was running as an independent candidate for President of the U. S. back in 2016 (for which he sadly picked up zero votes 🗳).

      And of course Putin’s hackers were not going to electronically cast a few votes for Renfield since Renfield and the Russian leader have had a few run -ins in the past (Putin resents Renfield for stealing his collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs and then selling the Russian sex cyborg Sophia (who gives the Russian leader blow jobs) back to Putin for $10 million after Renfield had stolen it).

      • Hyperion said,

        That’s what I like about Renfield. He doesn’t do mediocre. I’m sure the Hildebeast Hackers made sure every vote cast for Renfield registered in her name. Little did she know the Russian Hackers made sure the votes for Hildebeast went to Trump.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Democratic party workers were having one Hell of a time on Election night digging up enough potential voters from cemetery plots and wheeling them in wheelchairs to polling stations and claiming they were disabled and needed help pulling the leavers on voting machines.

        Meanwhile the Russian hackers just went in electronically and changed votes.

        The Democratic method of using long time cemetery residents as potential voters might have worked fine back in the day of Chicago Mayor Richard Daley and his Big City machine in the 1960s but politics has changed somewhat in the 21st Century.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes indeed. I would say voters aren’t idiots anymore but that’s a lie. It was voters that put Hildebeast and The Tweeter Meister on the ticket and it was voters and their multilevel hackers that put the Tweeter in Chief in the bighouse. So, It stands to reason if we could just let the international community of hackers determine our next President, what’s the chances things could get worse?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think things would most definitely get better. 😃

      • Hyperion said,

        We can always hope, can’t we!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed we can. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        And indeed we shall 🤓

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Jeffery the otter for President.

        A downriver pole dancing girl in every bedroom.

  2. rudellenatashamay said,

    Thanks so much for sharing.

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