Pan Goatee Dishes Out Yet Another Pummeling In The Name of Global Aesthetics

July 3, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee Dishes Out Yet Another Pummeling In The Name of Global Aesthetics

Pan Goatee was once again on a mission.

Recently he had been hired to steal a Leonardo Da Vinci painting from the private art collection of a Western Canadian rancher and cattle baron.

Now he was back to steal yet another work of art from the cattle rancher’s private art collection.

This one was a small statue done of the Greek satyr god Pan.

The statue had been done by the famous Renaissance sculptor and painter Michelangelo (who was of course no relation to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster at London’s Set Enterprises laboratory).

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA had been doing some research earlier this year at the Vatican Archives in Rome and had discovered reference to the statue Michelangelo had sculpted of Pan the Greek satyr god of the wild, forests, mountains, rustic music, shepherds and flocks.

Apparently Michelangelo had based the sculpture on the actual perfectly preserved body of Pan he had seen hidden deep in a catacomb beneath the Vatican.

And as such it was the most accurate sculpture of Pan ever depicted in the last 2000 years.

According to the document Dr. Faustus Imhotep had read, underneath the base of the small statue were hieroglyphs that Michelangelo had carved into the base that revealed the whereabouts of what catacomb beneath the Vatican contained Pan’s body.

The highest levels of the U.S. government were anxious to get their hands on Pan’s perfectly preserved body.

A CIA search had determined that the Michelangelo statue of Pan was in the Western Canadian cattle rancher’s private collection of which Pan Goatee had recently stolen a Da Vinci painting.

So Goatee was sent to steal the Michelangelo statue now.

Goatee was riding a bus that would take him by the rancher’s maternal grandmother’s house where the late cattle baron (that Goatee had assassinated on DARPA’s orders) kept his private art collection.

Suddenly a really repulsive fat ugly woman got on the bus.

Goatee had his hands on his astral laser machete because he felt driven to decapitate the fat ugly cow.

But Dr. Faustus Imhotep had told the satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin not to call attention to himself.

So it took every once of strength on Goatee’s part to resist the urge.

However when the fat ugly blimp was going to get off the stop just before he got off, Goatee went up and started pummeling the fat ugly cow in her fat ugly face with his fists.

He punched her in the face 1001 times for good measure.

He then took his astral laser machete and cut her up into 100,001 pieces.

The display amazed a statistician for Statistics Canada who was sitting on the bus and counted.

“Wow, nice numbers,” the statistician was impressed.

Pan Goatee then left the bus, approached the house, tortured the cattle rancher’s grandmother until she revealed the statue’s location and then stole the Michelangelo statue of Greek nature god Pan.

He then gave the statue to American CIA agent Bob Belfor.

He then caught another bus to return him to his hotel.

As he got off, he noticed an ugly looking woman and her boyfriend get off behind him.

“What, what a loser!” Goatee thought as he looked at the creep dating an ugly woman, “I better prevent this couple from mating and passing ugly genes into the world.”

He beheaded both the ugly woman and her loser boyfriend.

Just then he got a call on his smart phone.

It was from Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.

Apparently a person at the top of the highest levels of the U.S. government had put in a call to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau telling him that he had 24 hours to immediately remove the July 1st 2018 tariffs he had slapped on U.S. products or else.

This person at the highest levels did not tell Mr. Trudeau what the “or else” was.

The “or else” was going to be that Pan Goatee would decapitate Justin Trudeau’s head with his astral laser machete and then put the head on top of a giant marijuana plant that was growing on Ottawa’s Parliament Hill and then alert the news media to come and take pictures of Justin’s severed head on the pot plant.

Pan Goatee after getting off the phone with Dr. Faustus Imhotep then phoned the airlines and booked a flight to Ottawa first thing in the morning.

A photo montage music video about the Greek god Pan I made and posted at YouTube 10 years ago:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 3rd


  1. George F. said,

    This post have it all…DARPA…CIA…fat ugly BLIMPS being beheaded uncontrollably…I’ll be howling with laughter for days…days I tell you!!!

  2. David Redpath said,

    Pan Goatee really must
    start using Uber. I’m sure
    Set Enterprises can afford it.
    This case does remind me
    of when Henry Kissinger💋
    threatened Italian ex Prime
    Minister, Aldo Moro, when
    he was about to form an
    alliance with the Communist Party that would
    have put him and his Christian
    Democrats back in power.
    Kissinger 💋 reportedly
    told Moro that he would regret it. Days later he was kidnapped and murdered.
    Does Pan Goatee have any
    affiliation with the ‘Red Brigade’?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Pan Goatee was genetically created in the Set Enterprises lab by Dr. Cadbury Rocher back in 2013 so he wouldn’t have had anything to do with the Italian Red Brigades of the 1970s.

      But the U. S. government has interfered in many countries’ elections and got rid of foreign leaders they didn’t like since they became a world superpower following World War II.

      The Kennedy Administration interfered in the 1963 Canadian federal election ensuring the defeat of the John Diefenbaker government since Diefenbaker opposed having U. S. nuclear missiles in Canada.

      • David Redpath said,

        Where the hell was Renfield?
        Sitting in a cell at Bedlam
        eating insects, I presume!
        Or floating in a bay of pigs
        with a margarita?
        Just when freedom really needed him.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Renfield was genetically created in a lab by Dr. Cadbury Rocher back in 2005.

        His friend Amadeus Emanon was genetically created in 2006.

        So Renfield wasn’t alive at the time of the Italian Red Brigades either.

      • David Redpath said,

        No wonder that highly
        suspicious & fictitious
        ‘Red Brigade’ got away
        with it.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, it explains a lot.

  3. ortensia said,

    A bit of everything indeed you gave us her …..Pan Goatee is a very busy bee lately and will be more….waiting to see what happen when he gets to Ottawa.
    Can I suggest something?Why not upgrade him to a classic car?more suitable for a character of his level unless there is the danger that will guve away his identity while on a mission🤔

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I think Pan Goatee would love to drive a fancy classic car like James Bond 007 but DARPA thinks that would probably call attention to himself.

      Hopefully Pan Goatee won’t create too much chaos in Ottawa. He might wake up all the Canadian federal civil servants. 😂🤣

  4. Orvillewrong said,

    Its good to know that someone wants to rid the world of fat ugly women

  5. Hyperion said,

    Poor Pan Goatee, he is so distracted. I want to know which tomb in the catacombs under the Vatican that contains Pan’s body. I’ll bet some other famous gods and goddesses are under there too. Would really love to see Andromeda brought back to life by Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I wouldn’t be surprised if other gods and goddesses are under there as well.

      Yes, I’d love to see Andromeda brought back to life. 😍

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ll bet several pantheons of ancient mythologies are held against their will in the Hell that doesn’t exist under the Vatican.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s very likely, Daniel.
        Have your developing Michelangelo lobster like abilities alerted you to that or have you watched some of those YouTube videos that actually make that claim?

        I haven’t watched any of those videos but Google (who no doubt spies on me more than Facebook ever did) has the Google owned YouTube put videos with titles like Pagan Deities and Nephilim Giants Are Hidden In Deep Catacombs Miles Under Vatican in the videos in their Videos Highly Recommended For You section on the YouTube home page (that and videos showing short skirted Eastern European news anchorwomen and meteorologist weather women also show up in that section- for some reason I always end up watching the latter videos- no doubt to hone up on my Russian, Romanian, Polish, Czech and Hungarian language skills like Renfield does- rather than videos talking about pagan gods under the Vatican).

      • Hyperion said,

        Well now I think your actions are reasonable and justified. I do the same. You know great minds think and act alike. I have had an incredible spidey sense tingling about those captive pantheon. We must save the women goddesses and demi-goddesses first, then the nymphs – water and wood. I suspect mermaids are down there too. I think if we can get out Andromeda, Diana, and Aphrodite and a handful of Nymphs, we may be modern heroes, the likes of which Indiana Jones has never seen.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The movie version about the discovery will be called Renfield Alias Smith and The Temple of Perpetual Orgasms.

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaa haaaa haaaaa! Perpetual is a long time. Somebody is bound to faint.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Undoubtedly. 😂

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