The X-Files Enter Michelangelo’s Dreams

July 4, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

The X-Files Enter Michelangelo’s Dreams

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster after binge watching 1990s episodes of The X-Files starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson then went to sleep 💤 in his aquarium at Set Enterprises and dreamed an X-Files related dream.

Fox Mulder (drinking a glass of bourbon) : What I want to know Scully is what do the highest levels of the U.S. government want with the Greek nature god Pan’s perfectly preserved body?

Dana Scully (shrugging): I have no idea, Mulder. I have no idea what the highest levels of the U.S. government are thinking. Or even if they think at all.

Nicotine Patch Inhaling Man (sitting at the next table in the bar): I wish my doctor hadn’t advised me to give up cigarette smoking. I imagine I look pretty stupid doing this. (continues to inhale the nicotine off the patch with his nose)

Mulder (musing aloud): I wonder if it’s possible for someone’s hairpiece to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys?

Scully: What are you aiming at, Mulder? For someone to describe you in a tweet as “a mediocre FBI agent. Spends time chasing UFOs 🛸, Sasquatch and Loch Ness monster. Huge FAIL.”

Mulder: You think the Big Chief would actually mention me, Scully?

Scully: Considering the amount of time you spent watching that Stormy Daniels porn video last night, you and he do have something in common.

Mulder (smiling): Yes and it didn’t cost me $130,000 either.

Scully: But you’re right, Mulder. The government obviously wants something with the Greek nature god Pan’s perfectly preserved body.

Mulder: Genetic research at DARPA?

Scully: Most likely, Mulder.

Mulder: Which catacomb below the Vatican is the Greek nature god Pan located in?

Scully: The hieroglyphs under the base of Michelangelo’s statue of the nature god Pan reveal the whereabouts of the catacomb, Mulder.

(A small tabby cat walks by combing its fur with a comb in its paws 🐾)

Mulder: By Michelangelo, I take it you mean the Renaissance sculptor and painter, Scully, and not the psychic lobster who’s asleep in his aquarium at Set Enterprises dreaming about us?

Scully: Exactly, Mulder.

Mulder: And I strongly suspect that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster will use the information he gleaned in this dream to inform the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and Set will therefore beat both DARPA and America’s Twitterer-In-Chief in getting the Greek nature god Pan’s body first.

Scully (smoothing her skirt and crossing her legs): Of course, Mulder.

Nicotine Patch Inhaling Man (after inhaling the tape that came with the patch): I must inform the Twitterer-In-Chief about this.

(He adjusts his election style campaign pin button on his suit which identifies him as a member of Skull 💀 and Bones 🍖 to other Skull 💀 and Bones 🍖 Society members. The button has on it two facial images- the image on the left is of Dana Scully and the image on the right is of DeForest Kelley’s Star Trek character Dr. Leonard H. McCoy)

At that moment, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster awoke.

Someone had left the TV on in the lab and BBC News had a breaking news story about how an intruder with a machete was found in Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s greenhouse.

Apparently the intruder was stopped by one of Mr. Trudeau’s greenhouse plants.

BBC News Announcer: “The Canadian Prime Minister apparently owns a genetically created cactus 🌵 plant that has a mouth and has the ability to smoke marijuana cigarettes. The plant was specially developed for him by Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher right here in London. The cactus 🌵 plant apparently blew pot smoke 💨 in the machete wielding intruder’s face and sent him higher than a kite. The intruder is apparently undergoing surgery at Ottawa General Hospital to have cactus 🌵 needles removed from his goat 🐐 like furry bottom after he landed on top of the pot smoking cactus 🌵 plant and was busy shouting at the greenhouse ceiling, “The Nibiruan ET grays are coming. And Gali-Gula is their leader.”

“Meanwhile President Trump had apparently issued a tweet in which he offered condolences to the Canadian people over the death of Mr. Trudeau. He later deleted the tweet and said he was misled by fake news…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 4th


  1. ortensia said,

    Xfiles,what a cult but the smoking cactus is brilliant,I pictured the whole scene in my mind and now I will probably start laughing like a weirdo next time I ll be at my mom s….she has lots of cactus….and when daughter number one was smaller had to experience their needles… took us over half an hour to remove them from the palm of her hand😱lesson learned🤣😎

  2. Candy L said,

    This is a little intense for my early morning bus ride but I’ll give it a good read when I get back 🙂 hope all is well with you

  3. David Redpath said,

    The truth is still out there.
    Perhaps even stranger than
    a Michelangelo dream?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I have the feeling that the truth is even stranger than a Michelangelo dream which means it’s pretty strange. 😂

  4. Orvillewrong said,

    Who Knows one day Donald J may get something right!

  5. Hyperion said,

    This was hilariously entertaining on multiple levels. I’m so thankful I didn’t have a full bladder when I read this. I’d have to send my keyboard out for sanitizing. The retraction of fake news by the Twitterer in Chief is guffaw worthy prose and so I brayed like a donkey and then snort laughed to try to gain control. Great stuff Chris!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, Daniel. 😀

      Glad that you had a laughing good time. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        I think you packed a lot of good humor and wit in this one.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Great, glad to hear it. 😀

  6. velvetscreams said,

    Wheww!…you always have a way of startling me with your writeups….”The cactus 🌵 plant apparently blew pot smoke 💨 in the machete wielding intruder’s face and sent him higher than a kite.” I just found this line 😁😁.

  7. George F. said,

    Mulder and Scully…my favorites…and you had them down perfectly…down to Scully crossing and legs and smoothing her skirt…which is now a frozen visual in my mind! OMG you bust my gut! Thanks for sharing…and yes, exceptionally witty!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad to hear that, George. 😀

      Yes of all the scenes in the number of X-Files episodes I watched over the years, that’s the one scene that sticks most in my mind- a scene where Scully crosses her legs and smooths her skirt.

      It was so unforgettable 😍, I incorporated it into Michelangelo’s dream.

  8. George F. said,

    …smoothing her skirt and crossing her legs….typo…can’t get the image out of my mind now….LOL!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Actually I have to admit that scene quite often enters my dreams never mind Michelangelo’s. 😂

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