Pan Goatee’s Saturday The 14th

July 14, 2018 at 10:56 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Saturday The 14th

DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again in the City of Calgary this time to bump off the President of the meatpacking plant company that was owned by Southern Alberta cattle baron, Canadian Federal Liberal Party financier and enthusiastic Justin Trudeau supporter Flyen High a southern Alberta cattle baron who was said to have fed marijuana plants 🌱 to his beef cattle.

A few weeks ago, Pan Goatee had bumped off Flyen High and his death was announced by a tearful CBC news anchorman Peter Mansbridge on The National on CBC News.

Pan Goatee visited the grave of Flyen High in a Calgary cemetery and noticed that marijuana plants were already growing on it.

The epitaph on Flyen High’s tombstone read “Truly a great Canadian and a great Albertan”
-Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Pan Goatee was now in the neighbourhood where the President of the Meatpacking plant Flyen High Packers Company Mr. Token Potts lived.

Pan Goatee was feeling hungry so he decided to go to a nearby shopping mall and visited their food court.

He ordered a submarine sandwich from Subway in the food court.

As he sat there enjoying his Pulled Pork submarine sandwich, a fat ugly blimp appeared at the Subway counter and ordered a sub.

Goatee was about to reach for his laser machete to cut her head off when he remembered something that DARPA acting head Dr. Faustus Imhotep had said to him when he assigned the satyr serial killer and DARPA assassin Pan Goatee his mission (which had been ordered by a person at the top of the highest levels of the U.S. government who could be heard declining another portion of that “wretched Scottish haggis” in the background).

“Please do not call attention to yourself until you complete this mission,” Dr. Faustus Imhotep had requested.

Reluctantly Pan Goatee put his astral laser machete back in his belt holster.

He finished his submarine but was still feeling hungry.

He decided to go into a McDonald’s at the other end of the shopping mall parking lot and order a Big Mac.

As he walked towards the McDonald’s, he suddenly noticed the same fat ugly blimp (who was carrying a Subway bag) enter the McDonald’s.

“What!” Goatee shouted, “How did that fat ugly blimp get ahead of me. She must be demonically possessed somehow. Like all fat ugly blimps seem to be. She probably took that demonically inspired A Course In Miracles that’s recommended by that New Age airhead Oprah Winfrey.”

Pan Goatee then went around to the back of the McDonald’s restaurant building and cut a hole through the bricks with his astral laser machete.

“Surprise City of Calgary Health Department inspection,” Pan Goatee flashed a toy Western Sheriff’s badge (that he had purchased in a Dollar Variety Store) to the surprised McDonald’s manager and cooks as he walked into the kitchen from the newly created back entrance.

“Everything looks fine,” Goatee said as he passed the burgers 🍔 and fries 🍟, “but no fat ugly blimps allowed on the premises.”

He immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp who was carrying the Subway bag.

He ordered a Big Mac and sat down.

He was enthusiastically asked for autographs by a group of Japanese children and teenagers who were in town visiting the Calgary Stampede rodeo which the pleasantly good natured satyr serial killer cheerfully obliged signing.

A little girl came and sat across from him after the Japanese tourists left.

Soon she was joined by her mother who turned out to be a fat ugly blimp.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman.

He then beheaded her daughter as well.

“Just on the off chance she grows up to be a fat ugly blimp,” Goatee explained to a shocked couple of senior citizens sitting at a table, “alas for poor Oprah there goes another potential purchaser of A Course In Miracles.”

Goatee then spotted another fat ugly blimp by the customer pop machine but decided to spare this particular abomination from Hell as he decided to follow Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s advice about not drawing attention to himself.

Goatee went out the door where he walked to a bus stop 🚏 to catch the bus that went past Token Potts’ house.

Fortunately the only person standing there was a woman who looked like she could pass for a double of Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai.

Having those looks, the woman’s life was spared by Pan Goatee.

As Pan Goatee looked in the direction the bus would be coming, his eyesight was suddenly assaulted by the visual appearance of the fat ugly blimp whose life he had spared by the pop machine inside McDonald’s.

“Oh shit!” Goatee shouted, “That’s what I get for being a nice guy!”.

He then pulled out his astral laser machete, ran down the street and beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

When he returned to the bus stop, the Aishwarya Rai lookalike was busy talking on her mobile phone so she did not notice the satyr’s uglocide.

“That’s good,” Goatee smiled, “maybe I should ask her for a date. Good thing she didn’t notice that. There are a few women out there who are reluctant to date serial killers.”

. . .

Donald Trump was enjoying a steaming dish of freshly caught wild Scottish brown trout after a day spent on his golf course in Scotland.

“This is excellent, Lexington,” Trump remarked to his English valet and butler.

“Thank you, sir,” Lexington replied.

“You know I’ve been thinking tonight about Manifest Destiny,” Trump combed his toupee in the style of Julius Caesar’s haircut.

“Yours, sir?” Lexington sighed.

“No, America’s,” Trump remarked, “The vision of Manifest Destiny by America’s founders not only entailed an America stretching from the Atlantic to the Pacific but an America stretching from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic Ocean as well. So I really think I should order the invasion and annexation of Canada.
It will also help put an end to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s idiotic policy of allowing more Muslim immigrants into Canada which puts more Muslims on our borders as well.”

“Invade and annex Canada?” Lexington as a British subject was genuinely shocked.

“Why not? After all, Hitler invaded and annexed Austria in 1938,” Trump pointed out, “And what’s good enough for Adolf Hitler is good enough for me.”

. . .

As Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ordered the hammering of Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip, a black jaguar strolled across the Temple Mount.

The Black Jaguar contained the spirit of a powerful sorcerer as well as the spirit of Night Sun the Jaguar God of the Mayan Underworld.

Baphomet (the living embodiment of the idol of the Knights-Templar) stood on the Temple Mount and shouted, “Hail to the Black Jaguar.”

The Black Jaguar smiled.

Full scale war all over the Middle East would soon be breaking out.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 14th


  1. David Redpath said,

    “My panties have a killer
    goatee too!” ~ Oprah Winfrey

  2. George F. said,

    ….not notice the satyr’s uglocide….OMG! A new word for the lexicon. Uglocide! Beware all you fat ugly blimps…they’re comin’ for you! Great spree of beheadings, Dracul! Loved it!!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, George. 😆

      Yes, the word Uglocide will be entering the Oxford and Cambridge Dictionaries this year. 😂😅

  3. Hyperion said,

    OMG this was a busy day for Pan and the Great Orange Orifice. But, I do see the logic in all this evil. It’s ingenious actually. Once America enslaves Canada, we’ll have a beautiful vacation spot, free resources that are no longer a threat to national security and a place to dump all our toxic waste. And of course we’ll need Pan Goatee to operate the many government brothels where the Great Orange Orifice can grab a snack along with his devoted Republican base. Justin True-duh can be in charge of the state run recreational pot fields which the Orange State will use to sell overseas to augment the tax income. Brilliant idea my friend. You’ve done it again.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Daniel. ☺

      Since Trump is going to have all of Canada including its far north, he’ll be able to offer Alaska back to Russia when he pays homage and feudal fealty to Vladimir Putin in Helsinki.

      And then, Sarah Palin will not only be able to see Russia from her house but Russia WILL be her house.

      • Hyperion said,

        I had ‘t the foresight to envision it but you are right and the greatest benefit is Alaskans have so horribly polluted the wayerways in Alaska that they have unbalanced tbe lifecycle of the ocean feeding grounds. Now would be a great time to give Alaska back as a peace offering and since Russia is far more tolerant of vast wastelands of environmental disaster, they will be overjoyed. The Eagle and the Bear will rule the world with an iron grip on mother nature’s lady parts.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Something that the Great Orange Orifice will enjoy immensely. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        I love how the Great Orange Orifice (GOO) has polarized the entire planet of progressive liberal nano-minds into a fathomless glob of quivering brown digestive stuff. The out pouring of liberal greenhouse gases is completely permiating the globe creating a hilarious outhouse environment. The GOO has rolled over the top of every challenge proving that the shrill banshee cry of the liberal hate-speak is merely a turbulent gas one can roll over with ease. In the past a single voice of political correctness could bring down an empire and now it’s just so much chewed gum on the sidewalk and sewer gas in the air. The Goo has shown us that Satan’s minions hold no power over those who ignore them. Of course, the whole world will soon ignite in war but that’s just human nature at its best and it does help with over population

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Little did the world suspect 15 years ago that when Prince Charles warned the world about grey goo eating nanobots that would destroy the planet (for which the British press at the time thought he was totally off his rocker) he would turn out to be right. Although His Highness never envisioned that the grey goo eating nanobot would be somewhat taller than he expected and more Orange than grey in colour. But the Prince of Wales had never considered the possibility of using red spider monkey fur as a toupee.

        When a very beautiful and sexy young Baroness and member of the House of Lords asked the Prince while stroking her cat, “Will my poor pussy be at least safe, the Prince answered correctly, “I’m afraid your pussy is in the greatest danger of all.”

      • Hyperion said,

        I have to give it to Prince Charles of Wales, he foresaw the terror of the GOO that would put pussies around the world in danger. Many wept when the GOO came to power. But Pootin, who surrounds himself with large dogs instead of pussies, has kept remarkably cool headed and waited for his chance to become the puppet master of the world. The GOO is his Cerberus.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The GOO is very much his Cerberus and Putin will be throwing his Cerberus a few bones at tomorrow’s Helsinki summit while Cerberus comes running to him with the Keys of the Kingdom in his mouth to give to his master.

      • Hyperion said,

        this was another prophetic glimpse into the future as the Russian Bear snatches the western picnic basket from the limp wrist of the GOO.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes it was, Daniel. 😀

        Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster must have peered into the future and implanted his vision in my subconscious of what would happen.

      • Hyperion said,

        It must be a frightful life to be a lobster and an oracle of the future. Of course, for entertainment Michelangelo probably watches the GOO’s future very closely. What could be more hilarious than the pay to play debauchery of the Zeus wanna bee.

  4. ortensia said,

    Poor pan goatee,not even a burger in piece😱

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