Pan Goatee and The Origins of The Name Jack The Ripper

July 30, 2018 at 10:24 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Philosophy, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee and The Origins of The Name Jack The Ripper

Satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee was just leaving the bank when an ugly woman stepped in front of him.

He immediately beheaded her with his astral laser machete.

“Haven’t you heard the saying Beauty before ugliness, bitch?” Pan Goatee exclaimed before kicking the ugly woman’s head out into the parking lot.

He then walked down the sidewalk from the bank’s entrance to the mall’s main entrance.

As he walked through the doors, a beautiful woman standing there asked him, “My God but aren’t you the America’s Got Talent magician Aaron Crow?”.

Pan Goatee replied by looking like he was talking in sign language with his hands.

Then he smiled, “Just kidding. I’m actually Pan Goatee – satyr serial killer Extraordinaire, DARPA contract assassin Extraordinaire and the 21st Century’s leading Philosopher in the field of Aesthetics having just written a best selling book To Seek A More Beautiful World. You may have heard my great quote Some men see nightmares as they are and ask why? Others grab a machete and with beheadings end them.”

“You certainly look like Aaron Crow,” the beautiful woman asked for his autograph.

“So I’ve been told,” Pan Goatee smiled as he signed her wonderful knocker of a right breast that she whipped out from her blouse 👚, “That’s why numerous feminists boycott his magic shows. And why the Hillarybeast pledged to deport him back to Belgium 🇧🇪 his birthplace during the 2016 Presidential campaign and why she also promised to slap on a 666% tariff on Belgian waffles.”

“I love Belgian waffles,” the beautiful woman smiled as she orgasmed in her panties and turned her black mini skirt a creamy white colour.

“So do I,” Pan Goatee smiled as he orgasmed in his boxer shorts and showed a white lava pouring out of the volcano 🌋 on his Hawaiian scenery depicted boxers.

Pan Goatee then walked down the mall hallway when another ugly woman stepped in front of him.

Pan Goatee likewise beheaded her.

“God, you’re rude,” Pan Goatee said as he kicked the head into a Western Union money transfer chain franchise in the mall where radical Islamist imams transferred money to ISIS in the Middle East, “were you born and raised in a barn? I guess if you’re as ugly as you are, you probably were.”

Goatee then rounded another corner where he came face to face with another ugly woman.

He likewise beheaded her.

“Well, there goes my lunch,” Pan remarked as he vomited 🤮 all over the place even though he hadn’t yet eaten lunch.

He did however upchuck 🤮 his anti-psychotic medication (which didn’t seem to be working and never had).

On his way home, he came across two fat ugly blimps getting off the bus.

He likewise beheaded them.

“Who let the dogs out?” Pan Goatee quoted that old song.

. . .

And on the subject of serial killers, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield had been invited to speak to the London Ripperology Society (a society dedicated to the study of Jack The Ripper) on a topic of his own choice.

The Ripperologists filed in and during Renfield’s lecture, they were absolutely shocked by what he had to say.

The poster he presented on the screen at the end of his lecture summed up the theme of his talk:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 30th


  1. Apple Rae said,

    Saw that Jack the Ripper meme on Facebook too and I wondered if it’s because of eating too much beans? Lol 😆

    Pan Goatee’s a chick magnet huh. Now that it’s quite obvious he’s a gorgeous man, I can finally say he has all the rights to kill every woman he finds disgusting to look at. Lmao 😂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      About a week ago when I was watching the TV show America’s Got Talent with the famous British talent judge Simon Cowell, the mute Belgian magician Aaron Crow performed on there.

      And as soon as I saw him, I said that’s how I picture what Pan Goatee looks like in my mind.

      He’s the spitting image of my mind’s eye image of Pan Goatee

      • Apple Rae said,

        Thanks for the link, I nearly had a heart attack with that full of suspense act lol but well yea he looks confidently beautiful just like Pan Goatee. Brilliant choice!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks very much, Apple. 😃

  2. David Redpath said,

    In the annals of flatulence
    many have been know to
    flatulate profusely, and then annulled from living
    memory. This notorious
    Jack the Ripper must have
    been proficient at something
    other, to be so ill-famed?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      The Ripper was the first media created criminal celebrity in history
      that gave him much notoriety
      grusome murders in Whitechapel increased sales for Fleet Street
      The deaths were bloody but accounting figures were neat
      He was cloaked in mystery
      in steets dark and misty
      he was never caught
      leaving bodies to rot
      and so a legend was born
      after throats were torn
      Jack gave birth to the modern age
      And crime became the entertainment rage.

      • David Redpath said,

        The patron sinner
        of Murder Incorporated
        … Jack the Ripper.
        So he’s to blame for all
        the murder mysteries 🔪
        and autopsy porn dramas
        on my television 📺 screen.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, he’s the reason
        for the crime spree TV season.

      • David Redpath said,

        Chris, congratulations!
        After exhaustive research
        I can confirm you are the
        first writter to post a poem in honour of Jack the Ripper.

      • David Redpath said,

        (A writter is a writer, having
        writ. As in the past tense
        … in case you were curious.)

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Great to hear.


        I’d rather be the moving finger in Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat than the middle finger on Donald Trump’s right hand.

      • David Redpath said,

        I can’t wait for the Tweeting hand,
        having Tweeted, to move on.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you, David, I have actually written several poems and haikus about Jack the Ripper on my blog over the years.

        I imagine if you can find the search engine on my blog which I’ve never actually been able to locate on my own blog, you could probably search for the tag Jack the Ripper and it will take you to all the poems and haikus I’ve written about the Ripper over the years.

      • David Redpath said,

        I must have employed
        the same search engine as
        Scotland Yard when looking
        for the elusive Jack.

  3. Hyperion said,

    Pan Goatee certainly has a romantic touch with his autograph. I suspect no one noticed the smell of sulpher and garlic in the alleyways of Whitechapel but historical records show that the street level fog in the area was especially dense during that same period as Jack the Ripper was ripping em. Thus the term fog horn was born.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Instead of ships, it was wind that was passed in the night.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ll bet it was caused by the nannites

  4. George F. said,

    Some men see nightmares as they are and ask why? Omg! A satirical pun on the famous Kennedy quote! You are too brilliant!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, George, nice of you to spot that. 🙂

      Yes, I was wondering if anybody would notice my play on words of Bobby Kennedy’s famous quote that he used 50 years ago this year in his Presidential campaign.

  5. shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

    wah hahaha … the best! EVER!
    Love Pan Goatee!

    This was the first blog that I checked before I check on the others.
    Must read the UNKNOW FACT on Jack the Ripper.
    No wonder my eyes always got watery whenever I enter London when it was foggy! I thought “Who the hell ate so much onions and beans here? Geeezzzz! My eyes burn!” Then imagining it that whoever responsible on the foggy fart must had the worse Ring-Of-Fire scenario somewhere … hahahaha …

    I didn’t expected Pan Goatee could not really handle pretty women that he exploded in his Hawaiaan pants! LOL

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      LOL ! Sherry! 😂

      The great mystery of the London fog that makes your eyes water has been solved at last.

      And yes, Pan Goatee when he meets beautiful women has a premature ejaculation in his Hawaiian shorts.

      A premature ejaculation serving as a foreshadowing of a premature eruption 🌋 of Hawaii’s Mount Kilauea which is indicative of the Hawaiian goddess Pele having the mother of all divinely galactic orgasms- so intense that even Thor the Norse god of thunder had to cover his ears to drown out the vibrations.

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