Cleopatra and The Maitreya On Lammas Night

August 1, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cleopatra and The Maitreya On Lammas Night

After British MP Renfield R. Renfield signed a contract with the Three Goth Witches of MacBeth that was written in Classical Greek and translated into medieval Scottish Gaelic and signed in Renfieldian blood (the contract gave the 3 Goth witches Renfield’s soul – which Renfield as an atheist didn’t believe in its existence anyways- in exchange for Renfield becoming Prime Minister of Great Britain 🇬🇧 for 7 years), Renfield suddenly noticed that he left his autographed photo of leather skirted Sherrielock Holmes inside the Night Wolves’ Prayer Auditorium.

He went back to retrieve it and while there, he happened to notice 72 Night Wolves emerging from the basement.

At the text message suggestion of a well known Australian 🇦🇺 poet named David Redpath, Renfield and Polish vampiress Annaka Wyszynski rounded up the 72 Night Wolves and put them on a Midnight Express back door delivery to a Turkish Ottoman prison in Istanbul (Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster prophesied that the incident would be turned into a film called Analcide On The Orient Express).

The sight of the praying Night Wolves with their bums up in the air was greeted with a Hallelujah Chorus of “Allah is most gracious. He has sent us 72 non-dark eyed anal virgins in this earthly lifetime without having to blow ourselves up in martyrdom like the brainless and dickless jihadis of ISIS” by the Turkish prison guards.

After loading the bottom of the missionary position Night Wolves on to the train 🚊, Renfield joined a conversation that the ghost of Orson Welles was having with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill about the literally immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

Churchill was remarking to Welles on how his wife Clementine had hired Sherrielock Holmes to tomato 🍅 his (Winnie’s) bottom back in early 1945 as the British wartime Prime Minister had taken to drinking far too much.

After a few intense months of even more intense sobriety, Churchill’s sober second thought gave him an idea 💡 on how to successfully end the war with Germany.

His sober idea 💡 was to fly Sherrielock Holmes behind enemy lines and get her to tomato the buttocks of both German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler and SS Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler.

Sherrielock did this getting Adolf to shoot himself shortly after marrying Eva Braun on April 30th 1945 (when he discovered that Eva wanted him to assume the missionary position during conjugal intercourse – a position that would be extremely painful for the long suffering Fuhrer in his current post-tomatoing condition).

Himmler was so traumatized by the thought of being unable to sit down comfortably for the next 25 years that he committed suicide by biting into a cyanide capsule on May 23rd 1945.

Churchill regretted that he hadn’t had the period of intense sober second thought a lot sooner.

Otherwise he might have thought up this brilliant idea 💡 a lot sooner.

“As I told Westminster College at Fulton, Missouri in my Iron Curtain speech of March 5th, 1946, if I had gotten my Iron Tomatoing 🍅 a lot sooner, there would probably be no Iron Curtain dividing Europe today for the War would have ended a lot sooner and Josef Stalin would be up Shit Creek without a paddle.”

“Did Sherrielock wear a British Commando paratrooping outfit when she parachuted behind enemy lines?” Welles grimaced.

“No,” Churchill shook his head, “she wore a leather mini skirt, black silk fishnet nylons and black spiked super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes an outfit which prevented her from getting shot down from German snipers as they all started masturbating on the spot as soon as they spotted her with their binoculars.”

. . .

“Lexington,” Donald Trump spoke to his British butler and valet, “I’m seriously considering breaking all constitutional and legal precedent and personally firing special counsel Robert Mueller. What do you think?”.

“I think you should do it, sir,” Lexington replied.

“Really?” Trump looked at his hair in the mirror and noticed how much it looked like golden maize corn 🌽 currently growing in the fields of Kansas.

The Oval Office window was smashed by the Wicked Witch of the East flying through on her broomstick.

The witch’s face landed in Trump’s hair and she was killed instantly.

“All right then, Lexington,” Trump pointed at the Wicked Witch’s shoes, “Give these to Robert Mueller and tell him to take a hike.”

. . .

It was Lammas Night and Cleopatra (the former High Queen of Egypt and current High Queen of Ireland) was celebrating with her husband the Nepalese-Tibetan Himalayan golden cobra serpent the Maitreya in a Berlin discotheque.

Cleopatra and Maitreya watched via FaceTime on their respective iPhones as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal sacrificed a living baby lamb on the altar of York Cathedral at the Lamb-Mass in York Cathedral on this the Feast Day of Saint Peter ad Vincula.

Both Cleopatra and Maitreya ate Lammas loaf owls (the bread 🥖 🍞 loaf owl 🦉 equivalents of gingerbread men) with salt eyes as the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith’s eyes started to water on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem as a sudden gust of wind came up and the ghost of Jack The Ripper appeared.

Cleopatra decided to head down to the dance floor and hoped that someone would ask her to dance on this Lammas Night.

As Cleopatra stood on the dance floor in front of a neon psychedelic icon depicting Persephone the Greek goddess and divine queen of The Underworld of Hades…

… a Black Jaguar approached her to ask her to dance.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 1st


  1. David Redpath said,

    As T.E. Lawrence (a.k.a.
    Lawrence of Arabia) once said,
    “Revenge is a dish best served
    with Tukish Delight, at midnight
    on the cold floor of an
    Ottoman prison block”.

  2. David Redpath said,

    Van Helsing, is it possible
    Sherrielock Holmes was the
    reason so many Nazi leaders
    became addicted to opioids,
    amphetamines, or both?

  3. Silent Hour said,

    Trouble always begins when you remember you left something behind and go back to take it. You should never do that!

    Will the illustrious poet David Redpath be able to stop the madness?

    • David Redpath said,

      I was hoping to incite
      Renfield to more carnage,
      in accord with Van Helsings
      renownd political correctness.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      It was in fact the illustrious poet David Redpath who started the madness when he suggested that MP Renfield R. Renfield instead of killing the Stalin worshiping ultranationalist hooligan motorcycle gang The Night Wolves, he suggested that they be sent to one of Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s revived Ottoman Turkish prisons to be sodomized by the Turkish prison guards.

      He suggested this in the comments section of the blog post previous to this one.

      I thought it was an excellent idea so I wrote it in this chapter.

      Otherwise, the chapter would have been strictly about the recently crowned occultic High King and High Queen of Ireland celebrating Lammas Night in a Persephone and Hades oriented Berlin discotheque foreshadowing the coming merger of the ancient Egyptian, Nepalese-Tibetan, Irish ☘️ Celtic, old Anglo-Saxon, Greco-Roman and Norse/Germanic religions which is Pope Francis’ ultimate ecumenical goal.

      But thanks to David’s suggestion and the suggestion of my good friend Sherry who lives in the wild forests of Bavaria (and the woman who was responsible for creating the character of Sherlock Holmes’ immortal leather skirted Dominatrix twin sister Sherrielock Holmes) about Sherrielock having been a spy in the Seconf World War responsible for tomatoing the buttocks of Adolf Hitler and Heinrich Himmler thus effectively ending the Second World War in Europe (in a comment she made in the comments section of the blog post previous to this one), this chapter turned out to be way longer than the shorter one I had envisioned. It turned out to be 921 words long in fact.

      As the Beatles used to sing, “Ooh, I get by with a little help from my friends. Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends…”

      • Silent Hour said,

        So trouble begins when you go back home to take that thing you left behind, and find David Redpath sitting in your armchair, all illustrious and poetic, and full of ideas on how to let the untrained hounds of hell loose. He has already had a secret phone talk with Sherry, who agreed that there is nothing like a playful little hound to bring havoc and fire upon the world. So now the pope won’t turn the church pagan. Is that what you are trying to tell me?

        Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts– la la la la la, no don’t speak, don’t speak.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s all true except for the part about Pope Francis won’t turn the Church pagan.

        Pope Francis will succeed in doing that.

      • Silent Hour said,

        And we can attend mass dressed in animal skins?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s right.

      • Silent Hour said,

        I can’t wait to wear Mr Fluffy.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And as Hamlet sits behind you at Midnight Mass, he whispers to his friend,

        “Alas poor Fluffy, I knew him well, Horatio,
        he would often drop by my carrot 🥕 stand in the market square and eat my carrots…

      • Silent Hour said,

        And Dionysus would barge in the conversation:
        I, the son of Zeus, have come to this land of the Thebans — Dionysus, whom once Semele, Kadmos’ daughter, bore, delivered by a lightning-bearing flame. And having taken a mortal form instead of a god’s, I am here at the fountains of Dirke and the water of Ismenus. And I see the tomb of the thunder-stricken Mr Fluffy here near the palace, and the remnants of his house, smouldering with the still living flame of Zeus’ fire.

  4. velvetscreams said,

    A great writeup👍

  5. Apple Rae said,

    Lol i wouldn’t want Trump to be killed any other way but this—a witch in a broom lmao 😝 so will the Black Jaguar steal Cleopatra away just like what he did with Panty Goatee during her wedding with Baphomet?

  6. Hyperion said,

    I’ve always said Sherrielock Holmes and Panty Goatee were to die for. I didn’t realize how true that was until I learned the great Satan and his dog Cerberus were terminated by the powerful spank of the immortal dominatrix.

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