The Reason Cthulhu Is In California and Trump Gets Advice From Gen. Pinochet’s Ghost On Military Coup

August 7, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Literature, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Reason Cthulhu Is In California and Trump Gets Advice From Gen. Pinochet’s Ghost On Military Coup

The Times of London sent their top ghostly spectral reporter Belvedere the ghost of the ghost white salamander to San Francisco to interview the Lovecraftian Great Old One god monster Cthulhu who had recently showed up in San Francisco Bay.

Other reporters had tried to interview the beast from the sea 🌊 but they ended up being eaten by the Creature from R’ lyeh (an underwater city in the South Pacific).

On hearing of the number of American mainstream reporters who were eaten by Cthulhu, Donald Trump tweeted, “See even Cthulhu thinks that the media is the enemy of the American people. And he can probably shoot through a hoop a lot better than Lebron James.”

An hour later Melania Trump tweeted, “Cthulhu is an inhuman monster.”

A leading American divorce lawyer then tweeted, “Who wants to grab me first? The Donald or Melania? Call me as Blondie once said.”

Since Belvedere was already a ghost, he didn’t have to worry about being eaten by Cthulhu although that didn’t stop Cthulhu from trying.

Finally in order to shut the pesky ghostly ghost white salamander Belvedere with his annoying questions up, Cthulhu finally broke down and revealed the reason for his trip to California.

“I want to see the Sacred Riana in the quarterfinals of the 2018 America’s Got Talent competition,” Cthulhu explained, “I watched her win the 2017 Asia’s Got Talent competition last year via underwater satellite TV in my cage in R’lyeh. Never have I been so turned on by anyone in hundreds of millions of millennia. I thought all this time I had become totally celibate. Which is why Lovecraft called me the High Priest of the Great Old Ones. He thought I was a Great Old One equivalent of Pope Hildebrand (aka Pope Gregory VII who reigned from April 22nd 1073-May 25th 1085) and thought that since celibacy was good enough for him, it was good enough for all the clergy in the West. I must confess I really didn’t have any sexual feelings until I watched the Sacred Riana in the 2017 Asia’s Got Talent competition.”

“I think you told me way more information than what I actually wanted to know,” Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander turned even whiter than his usual ghostly white self.

The Sacred Riana terrifies Mel B. On America’s Got Talent 2018.

. . .

“Who are you?” Donald Trump asked the ghostly spectral figure of the General who only seemed to speak Spanish, “This is why we need to build a wall. Are you the fellow who put all those Mexican drug dealers’ heads on those spikes in the White House Rose Garden recently? I must admit they helped my morning bowel movement considerably but still I don’t really relish having the crap scared out of me.”

“I am the ghost of Gen. Augusto Pinochet,” the spectre explained in Shakespearean English finally, “confined both day and night to fast in fires 🔥 until the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away. Unfortunately for me, that’s going to last from here until eternity.”

“So what are you doing here in the Oval Office then?” Trump asked.

“Hades the Greek god and guardian of the Underworld released me temporarily,” Gen. Pinochet’s ghost explained, “Pope Francis seems to get on Hades’ nerves with all his claims about Hellish Tartarus not existing. Many in the celestial council of small-g gods are starting to think that Hades is falling down on the job. So since Hades dislikes Pope Francis and Pope Francis happens to dislike you, Hades released me to give you advice.”

“Advice on what?” Trump looked in the mirror and wondered if the Chilean military dictator might be able to recommend a good hair product for more natural looking hair colour.

“On how to organize a military coup d’état and seize power just on the off chance the Robert Mueller probe does turn up something and Congress decides to impeach you,” Gen. Pinochet’s ghost explained.

“Beg your pardon, sir,” Lexington the Presidential butler and valet opened the Oval Office door, “but former Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger is on line 1. He has just had a dream about a 1950s Mamie Van Doren 3-D motion picture that he’d like to discuss with you.”

“Is that the one where the movie announcer in the ad trailer for it says She’ll knock both your eyes out?” Trump helped himself to some left over Mexican spicy 🌶 breasts that Lexington had prepared for him this past weekend.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 7th


  1. velvetscreams said,

    Greatly and absolutely compulsive!

  2. David Redpath said,

    Sounds fair.
    General Pinochet once
    got advice from
    Richard Nixon and
    Henry Kissinger 💋.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yep, that’s why I mentioned Kissinger’s phone call when Gen. Pinochet’s ghost introduced himself.

      It’s rather ironic that the Nixon-Kissinger sanctioned coup that overthrew Allende happened on September 11th 1973.

      And later that same date would come around and bite the U.S. in the ass 28 years later.

      Kissinger also once dated Mamie Van Doren.

      A friend of mine paraphrasing Seinfeld’s Newman said, “A more offensive date I cannot recall.”

      He said Kissinger probably looked all googly eyed through his glasses 👓 and said to Miss Van Doren, “Ooh, baby, I really loved you in High School Confidential.”

      • David Redpath said,

        The inside information, Van Helsing.
        Henry offered Mamie Van Dooran
        free membership to the highly
        secretive Bilderberg Group,
        in exchange for a grope
        … from Henry.
        But she then decided,
        when it come to Kissinger’s
        💋 membership, the price
        was far too heavy.
        (… oops, I think I just triggered
        another red flag!)

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very heavy indeed.

        And another red flag to the bull in the China 🇨🇳 shop.

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes Chris. And you may need to wave one of those to stay on facebook soon.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very likely.

  3. Hyperion said,

    I do enjoy all of the GOO’s Weisshaus dealings. To be so obnoxious, his persona is knee slapping hilarious. I think we should see more of the Great Orange One’s dealings and the collection should quickly become a best seller but not after 2020 when a new assclown will take the stage and only a few hasbeen right wing Anarchists remember The Goo and his grasp on the nether region of Miss Liberty.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      If Alfred Hitchcock were to shoot the 1942 film Saboteur today, the climatic scene of the movie inside the Statue of Liberty would show the GOO trying to grab on to the Statue of Liberty’s nether region to prevent his fall and then realizes to his horror that there’s no hair on the pussy.

      The GOO falls to his death as Alfred’s bald cat (making a cameo appearance in the movie) says, “Meow.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaa haaa haaaaa! If he had studied American History the GOO would know Miss Liberty was actually French and all the debutante aristocrat French girls shave down there. The nether regions are smooth as their debutante aristocrat bottoms. And with all the nether region pinching French men around, this allows them to easily escape their grasp and render a bumpershoot to the right ball in the corner pocket. The GOO has found out the hard way. Just like the French men.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It was a HARD lesson to learn. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        Epic surprise as he zipped his way down Miss L’s skirt, bounced once and hit the open water like a cannonball.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And the only remains that were ever found was a floating hairpiece toupee made out of red spider monkey fur.

        The cockney fisherman from London who found it was heard to exclaim, “I say. It looks like solidified horse piss.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Later, a mysterious cigar chain smoker bought the toupee on the U.K. ebay. Some time later, an aging red spider monkey by the name of Donald in residence at the Denver Zoo was spotted sporting around a refurbished red haired spider monkey butt.

  4. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    An elephant 🐘 at the Denver Zoo said, “I’d remember that butt anywhere” while a donkey brayed in Italian.

    Walls had to be put up separating the three animals.

    While a Russian 🇷🇺 bear 🐻 sat in the zoo control room playing on his computer and watching the zoo’s closed circuit TV monitors.

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