Pan Goatee’s Shopping Trip Ends In Beheadings

August 13, 2018 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Shopping Trip Ends In Beheadings

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking down an aisle when a fat ugly blimp of a high school girl approached him.

He immediately beheaded the fat ugly creature.

The girl’s father gasped.

Pan Goatee walked up to the man, “I presume you’re the degenerate responsible for producing that botched job of sexual intercourse.”

He likewise beheaded the fat ugly blimp’s father.

He then turned his attention to the fat ugly teen blimp’s more beautiful sister and the beheaded male shopper’s younger daughter.

“You’re pretty,” Pan Goatee admitted, “but just on the off chance you’re carrying your father or mother’s ugly gene, I have to do this for the aesthetic future of the world. I believe pre-emptive strike was the term George W. Bush used.”

He cut off the pretty girl’s head.

. . .

Donald Trump sat at his desk in the Oval Office shampooing his hair with a blow torch and wondered how anyone could possibly question his sanity.

Like the latest disgruntled former White House staffer had done in a book she had just published.

Suddenly a charcoal burnt Black Hand appeared on the desk in front of him and communicated telepathically with the sitting U.S. President.

Trump stood up and nodded, “I understand and will do just what you suggest.”

. . .

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal wearing a scarlet red evening dress covered with a charcoal black mantle was standing on a rock at the Cova da Iria in Fatima, Portugal 🇵🇹.

She was waiting for three adult male transgendered goatherds to show up at 12 noon as she had an important message to give them.

She checked the sundial watch on her wrist at 2:30 🕝 PM and decided to give up waiting.

Unbeknownst to her, the 3 goatherds had been strangled by a Portuguese professional arm wrestler and amateur phrenologist who had recently come down with food poisoning after eating a carton of bad feta cheese that he had purchased.

The mishap caused him to be disqualified from the World Championships after he had thrown up on both his opponents and the tournament judges.

Allatallahbel then ascended into the air and magically transported herself to the Vatican in Rome where she occupied the luxury papal apartment that Pope Francis had refused to occupy from the start of his Pontificate (humbly choosing to occupy one of the luxury guest rooms instead).

While there, she received a fax on her fax machine.

The fax was of a treaty for a proposed new Axis of Evil to be signed between her and Santa Muerte (the Mexican female spectral figure of Saint Death who was actually Samael the Talmudic Archangel of Death dressed in drag) and Q-Amon the forgotten but literally immortal Egyptian Pharaoh who was the secret hand behind the Columbian drug cartels.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 13th


  1. David Redpath said,

    Chris, these three way
    ‘Axis of Evil’ things never
    work out. I’ve tried it.
    One partner alway gets
    jealous, and resents how
    much military aid you’re
    supplying to the other partner.
    Next thing you know they’re
    surrendering to the first sailor
    who buys them a drink.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      No, Axises of Evil never seem to work out.

      It certainly didn’t do much for Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo.

      And as for the Axis of Evil that was first noted by the “ profoundly brilliant analytical mind” of one George W. Bush in an address to Congress- well Saddam is down but then Iraq saw the rise of Islamic State and years of sectarian violence which still seems to be going on.

      And as for the Stalinist Communist hereditary monarchy of North Korea 🇰🇵, it’s current occupant sitting on the throne in Pyongyang (the only throne occupant in the kingdom with access to soft comfortable toilet 🚽 paper) is now getting his buttocks kissed by Donald Trump.

      And as for the mullah theocracy governing Iran 🇮🇷, its current theocratic leadership appears more and more sane in comparison to the current occupant sitting, shitting and twitting in the Oval Office of the White House.

  2. George F. said,

    if Pan is going to do pre-emptive strikes, he’s gonna just have to walk down the street hitting everyone! LOL! Loved it! I wonder sometime what your life must be like! Comic genius, at large!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, George for the Comic Genius At Large compliment.

      I forget whether it was you or Hyperion who once talked about my “stranger than fiction” real life.

      If you want to read about an incident in my “stranger than fiction” real life, you should go to this particular blog post and read my comment in reply to David Redpath’s comment:

      Then ask yourself doesn’t this remind you of a scene in some really bizarre Hollywood comedy rather than something that should happen to someone in real life?

      And yet sadly it actually happened to me.

      Although it does have its extremely comic overtones when one steps back and views it as an outsider.

  3. George F. said,

    Speaking of Axis of Evil, I’ll be writing about Trumps newly approved 717 billion dollar military budget soon! Stay tuned!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Looking forward to reading that.

      I’ve noticed that numerous Donald Trump supporters and numerous idiotic Fox News commentators are going after Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez by saying how much will a national public health insurance program cost?

      A program that will end the massive obscene profits and dividends paid to shareholders for the big private insurance companies (something that always brings tears 😭 to the eyes of Donald Trump supporters and Fox News commentators to say nothing of mega-Idiot columnist Ben Shapiro).

      Well, they can start by using the $717 billion that Trump wants to give the U.S. military that the military didn’t even nothing ask for.

      To say nothing of the billions (or was it trillions?) of dollars 💵 that Trump wants to spend for his proposed new Spaced Out Force branch of the U.S. military.

      • George F. said,

        I couldn’t have put it better myself. The hypocrisy is thick out there…

  4. Orvillewrong said,

    It gets more amazing by the moment!

  5. ortensia said,

    Genius and humor ….you never fail to amuse me

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