Pan Goatee’s Horrible Friday

August 17, 2018 at 11:09 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Horrible Friday

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was not having a good Friday.

An ugly looking high school girl stood in front of him as he rode the Public Transit Train.

So he promptly beheaded her with his laser astral machete.

Some of the passengers weren’t pleased with his actions judging by the expressions on their faces so he beheaded them as well.

He sang a song that went “A serial killer’s lot is not a happy one” (his own paraphrased version of an old British Gilbert and Sullivan comic operetta song about policemen).

Then when he was walking to his favourite beer 🍺 🍻 parlour to enjoy a cool 😎 refreshing drink on this hot and very dry summer day, a fat ugly blimp walked right in front of him to ruin his pleasant afternoon.

He promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp and then kicked her head down the street as if he were a FIFA World Cup Football (what they stupidly call soccer ⚽️ in North America thought the British genetically created satyr) player moving through his opponents as if they were slow moving sardines to score the winning World Cup final goal.

As he kicked the extremely hideous and repulsive looking soccer ball (what they’d call a football in Britain, Europe and the rest of the world outside egocentric North America), he sang his own paraphrased version of that old Irish ☘️ Rovers song Lord of the Dance,

“Blimps, blimps, where ever you may be,
I’ll cut your head off to make the world more pretty
And I’ll cut your head off where ever you may be
and help make this world a lot more pretty.”

His favourite beer parlour turned out to be very crowded so after cutting the heads off of all the patrons inside, he then decided to go to another pub as the amount of blood all over the place would probably lead to the bar being closed and shut down for violating City Health Regulations.

He decided to head back home.

He then caught the public transit train and then a bus.

Another ugly woman tried to board the bus in front of him so he cut off her head as well.

After getting home, he decided to walk up to the grocery store to get a few groceries.

He encountered a few ugly women on the way there and back so he beheaded them as well.

“What’s the world coming to these days?” Pan Goatee thought to himself, “You can’t even peacefully go grocery shopping anymore without your eyes being visually assaulted by some specimen of misshapen ugly UFO alien-cow impregnated semi-human allegedly female hybrid. Rod Serling was truly prophetic with his TV series The Twilight Zone. That’s exactly what we’re living in- The Twilight Zone. Proof positive that the Apocalypse and the days of the Antichrist are upon us.”

Pan Goatee made the Sign of the Cross and said a Hail Mary (while accidentally spilling ketchup all over his Tom Brady New England Patriots #12 jersey).

He then tried to make himself supper when one of his stupid housemates bitched at him for trying to use the microwave even though the bastard wasn’t even using the microwave at the time.

Pan Goatee was fed up (considering the horrible day he had) and beheaded his housemate.

He then wondered what would happen to a human head if one put it on HIGH in the microwave for 5 minutes.

Pan Goatee decided to try it.

It turned out what happens is that the eyeballs in the human head totally explode and a whole bunch of blood, pus and what little brains the PBS hating and opera hating and Turner Classic Movie hating housemate had splatter all over the inside of the microwave.

“Well, it looks like this microwave is now toast,” Pan Goatee astutely observed and decided he better throw it in the garbage bin.

As he picked up the microwave, he knocked over the toaster sending it crashing to the floor and smashing into dozens of pieces.

“Well, it looks like that toaster is toast as well,” Pan Goatee shrewdly observed.

He put both the recently expired microwave with the exploded human head and eyeballs inside and the broken toaster into the City Sanitation Department’s Appliance and Electronics Recycling bin.

He would no doubt receive the papal Apostolic Blessing of Pope Francis for doing so as he was following to a “t” the papal environmental commandments set down in the papal encyclical Laudato Si.

After receiving Pope Francis’ papal Apostolic Blessing from afar, Pan Goatee decided he’d better order takeout pizza 🍕 as now both the microwave and the toaster were gone.

And the regular household oven had gone up in flames 🔥 after his unsuccessful attempt to make himself a pot of brown rice a few nights before.

He had since text messaged and asked a Malaysian friend of his who lived in a small Bavarian village the proper way to cook brown rice.

And as soon as the landlord replaced the oven, he’d try it again.

. . .

Coincidentally at that very moment in his papal apartment in the Vatican, Pope Francis was eating a pizza 🍕.

The pizza 🍕 had been sent to him as a gift from John Podesta.

“How nice of John Podesta to think of me,” Francis smiled.

. . .

The Nazi vampire Franz Kohler had been a member of the Ahnenerbe (the Nazi SS Occult Bureau) during his mortal life.

He had in his possession all the drawings, diagrams and documents of the Nazi built Flying Saucers 🛸 (that operated on propulsion by the Vril force) that were built by the Nazis and then were destroyed when it became apparent that they were going to lose the war.

German engineer Wernher von Braun thought he had all the relevant documents relating to Flying Saucers 🛸 in his possession but he turned out to be wrong much to the disappointment of the architects of the U.S. ‘s Operation Paperclip program.

As such, von Braun had to use and rely on his rocket 🚀 building skills to develop the American NASA Space Program and help put a man on the moon.

Kohler went to neither the Americans nor the Soviets with his plans.

Instead he hid out at a secret base that the Nazis had established in Antarctica 🇦🇶.

Now Kohler (who had since become a far right nationalist German member of the European Parliament) had approached Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman with the plans.

And the Saudi Crown Prince had established plans to build a new Red Sea economic zone specializing in high tech that would border Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦, Egypt 🇪🇬 and Jordan 🇯🇴 as a result.

The new city state of NEOM would build the Nazi Flying Saucers 🛸 for the 21st Century.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 17th


  1. David Redpath said,

    F.Y.I. Van Helsing, down under
    we call the round ball version
    of football, ⚽ ‘Look, No
    Hands & Take a Dramatic Fall Ball’
    On that subject, of B.S.,
    I think you may have answered
    the riddle (to some) of Area 51,
    where the U.S. Airforce flight
    tested experimental aircraft.
    I’m sure the military brass
    much prefered U.F.O.
    conspiracy theories to be
    ‘out there’, than the ‘truth’
    that the U.S. would work
    with Nazi flight engineers.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, to have worked with Nazi flight engineers would have been highly embarrassing.

      Of course MK-Ultra (which was inspired by studying the Nazi Mind Control programs) wasn’t so embarrassing for them.

      Of course they first started testing them on Canadians at a psychiatric facility in Montreal before moving on to members of the American populace for their experiments.

      • David Redpath said,

        My repeated attempts to
        volunteer for some MK-Ultra
        experimentation were rejected by some petty
        clandestine beaurocrats.
        I was deemed unsuitable, not being an incarcerated
        African-American, and for
        consorting with Timothy
        Leary … for fun.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That would definitely get you rejected for the program. 😂

  2. Orvillewrong said,

    The later war Nazi jets were rapidly approaching flying saucer design in looks and shape!

  3. Hyperion said,

    Poor Pan Goatee. He must suffer constant muscle fatigue with all that astral laser swinging and football kicking. I wonder if he has a good medical plan in case he gets beheader’s elbow? Oh, those UFO’s it was never the Air Force. That was back when the Air Force belonged to the Army and DARPA is an Army managed facility too. We developed many versions of flying saucers which all proved to be unstable and fuel inefficient. It wasn’t until recently that computer control capability and fuel efficient engines made flying saucer style UFO’s a useful reality. The hovercraft drones so popular now are an offshoot of this long held secret that was never much of a secret. So, you heard it here first, the UFO’s of the past were Army helicopter tests that failed until A Russian business man figured it out and sold us the plans in exchange for pornographic films of Howard Hughe’s Hollywood actress collection. Howard so mourned the fact that he forgot to make copies that he retired from public view.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I knew there was an explanation for all that. 😆

      I suppose it was DARPA personnel that first discovered that Clifford Irving’s ghost written “autobiography” of Howard Hughes was fake since there was no mention of the fact that Hughes retired from public life due to the loss of his private porno Hollywood actress collection. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        You know what seemed so strange to me is the world focused on the existence of alien space craft and E.T. grays, and the Air .force told the truth the whole time. It was the Army that had the secrets. Then when the Air Force became independent of the Army, they had no files to shred and the Army had not told them everything. But the Government never lied about the actual causes but no one believed the truth. On the other hand a bold face lie was to,d about Howard Hughes and everyone believed it without question. The same thing with Amelia Earhardt. She died at Area 51 piloting an early turbo fan model of the U.S. Army flying saucer. The stories of her flying around the world and crashing somewhere in the Pacific was just a well constructed government lie and everyone bought it because it was a wild story. There are pictures on the wall at the DARPA breakroom with employees drinking coffee with Amelia during the tests. The saddest part is she wasn’t paid the same as male test pilots. Nobody protested that either. What people really need to check into is how DARPA sent an entire battleship and crew into a time warp and brought it back and every crew member had aged ten years. It scred DARPA so bad they didnt try it again. They were very fearful of bringing back a Predator creature or one of those Aliens that pops out of your body like Lilith’s frog. We were politically correct even then.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Wow 😮.

        Are you being serious, Daniel?

        You’re not being humourous pretending to be a ghost writer for Infowars conspiracy theorist Alex Jones (who’s now out looking for a new job now that Alex Jones’ program has been banned by YouTube, Facebook, Apple and Spotify)?

        If you are being serious, are you talking about the Philadelphia Experiment?

        Where a battleship was alleged to have been sent into a time warp?

        And that’s really shocking about Amelia Earhart 😮.

      • Hyperion said,

        Oh yes, I’m very serious about my completely made up stories illustrating how strange things that should be conspiracy theories aren’t conspiracies at all and simple things with logical explanations defy belief. That ability to ignore truth and facts for a much greater story is my life source. It brings me no end to donkey braying laughter reading the conspiracy theories. That is not the same as reading your vampire novels that always predict the future with glaring accuracy. I take that very serious.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks, Daniel. 😀

        While it is true that I don’t think much of Alex Jones and think the man is a complete total absolute idiot (especially for claiming that the Sandy Hook school shootings are all fake), I don’t think this entitles politically correct global conglomerates like Apple, Facebook, YouTube and Spotify to ban the man in an effort to shut him up.

        Instead they should just allow opposing platforms who give Jones the raspberry in their commentaries that he so richly deserves.

        Banning somebody because you happen to disagree with the opinions they hold smacks of totalitarian ideologies like Fascism and Communism.

        And if you’re going to ban somebody for holding moronic idiotic opinions this would disqualify from holding political office most of the Congressmen, Senators and sitting Presidents of the past 50 years.

      • Hyperion said,

        LoL! You are spot on Chris. Banning idiots from speaking out would eliminate all of government and mainstream media. Hmmmmm. No, I was thinking that would be a good thing but it would totally return us back to the good ole days where everyone was drawn and quartered for there lack of government support.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And wild horses would keep everybody away. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        What a great idea. Hopefully 2020 will bring the change we can believe in and Pootin will use social media to elect himself prez of the world.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


        And as Johnny Mathis might put it in his song When A Child Is Born, “Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton will be like “Misery and suffering”, words to be forgotten forever.”

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL! I love that line. Words to be forgotten forever. I can’t wait to see what Pootin and the Democrats come up with for 2020. The Republicans are dead cockroaches so it will be entertaining to see who the undocumented and dead people vote for.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It will be interesting to see Millard Fillmore (brought back from the dead) serve another term in office.

      • Hyperion said,

        I think having a zombie Chief of Laughs would be a smashing good idea. I wonder if they could get the original cast of Monte Python’s Life of Brian back as the cabinet? At least then our fall into an empire of ashes would be entertaining as Hell, if there is such a thing.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, future historian Gibbon Edward’s magnus opus The History of The Decline and Fall of The American Empire will be regarded as overwhelmingly humourous and the favourite history text of every future student of History.

      • Hyperion said,

        It will be cult literature much like The Rocky Horror Picture Show is the go to cult movie for the young vampire at heart.

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