Pan Goatee’s #1 Bestseller

August 20, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Literature, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s #1 Bestseller

CNN Book Reviewer: Pan Goatee’s new book Stupid Ugly White Women, that was only published last week, has already become English-speaking North America’s Number 1 Top Best Seller.
Flocks of white heterosexual male readers (who generally don’t read many books) have been flocking to buy it.
It has already trilliondippled the number of book sales of left wing documentary film maker Michael Moore’s book Stupid White Men (which has a photo of Michael Moore on the cover).
Pan Goatee when he appeared on Stephen Colbert 🤨 said that Stupid White Men are those who date Stupid Ugly White Women.
Pan Goatee’s book has been condemned by white feminists to which the genetically created satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin replied, “You can kiss my hairy white ass.”
Donald Trump tweeted afterwards “Just how hairy is Pan Goatee’s ass anyways? Maybe he can do me a favour.”
According to newly released White House tape recordings recorded by a soon to be fired White House staff employee, Mr. Trump has recently expressed concern that the red spider monkey fur on his golden showers 🚿 coloured urine stained looking mop of a hairpiece toupee is starting to develop dandruff and he’s looking for a replacement.
Meanwhile Pan Goatee’s book Stupid Ugly White Women has, within the last week, become the #1 bestselling book of all time in the City of Calgary for some reason (and that’s just after one week since publication).
And it’s been reported by Calgary booksellers that male undergraduate students enrolled in Philosophy courses in the subject of Aesthetics and Philosophy of Art and Beauty have bought multiple copies of the book in much the same way that famous American assassins who go by three names have had multiple copies of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye on their bookshelves.

CNN Music Reviewer: Meanwhile the success of Pan Goatee’s book Stupid Ugly White Women has led to a musical hit for the London England based gay music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. at his Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios on London’s Abbey Road.
Mr. Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell recorded British MP Renfield R. Renfield singing his own paraphrased version of the 1968 Dionne Warwick hit song Do You Know The Way To San Jose?
Sir Renfield’s paraphrased version is called Do You Know The Way To Pan Goatee?

Renfield (singing in a clip):

Do you know the way to Pan Goatee?
I’ve seen a lot of heads roll around Pan Goatee.
Calgary is a great big cow farm
turn around and see a blimp
All the gays that never were
switch teams after seeing them…

CNN Movie Reviewer: Meanwhile after a recent trip to Calgary, talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will soon be appearing in a new motion picture called Scared Straight…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 20th


  1. ortensia said,

    On my way to the book shop🤓

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Remember to look your best, Ortensia, if you’re asking for a personal autograph. 😂

      Otherwise you might receive something else instead. 😅

  2. Orvillewrong said,

    Wonderfully irreverent as always, I could visualise the lovely Mr. trump in a wig made from a pink poodles ass!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, a wig from a pink poodle’s ass would work as well. 😅

      To say nothing of the hit it would make at the next French National Military Parade that Mr. Trump attends in Paris. 😂

  3. David Redpath said,

    I was curious, Chris,
    is Pan Goatee a ‘switch hitter’?
    Or can he only machete
    as a right winger or a leftie?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      When I first introduced Pan Goatee as a character, he was bisexual like the hermaphrodite Baphomet.

      After playing in a rock band Nero Wilson and The New Romans (the name has now been changed to Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers since Nero Wilson comes from Cleveland and the name Cleavers has a more homicidal sounding ring to it that would appeal to a large psychopathic and sociopathic proportion of youthful electronic music fans), Pan became more DC than AC.

      Possibly because the female groupies he met on tour were more attractive than the male groupies.

  4. David Redpath said,

    I guess, Pan Goatee, being
    genetically engineered, this
    whole ‘Nature or Nurture’ thing
    doesn’t come into it. He just
    rolls, like decapitated heads,
    which ever way the wind blows
    . . . so to speak.

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