Pan Goatee’s Pre-Homicidal Big Mac Attack and Calls For Pope Francis To Resign

August 27, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Pre-Homicidal Big Mac Attack and Calls For Pope Francis To Resign

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee 🐐 was having a Big Mac attack.

So he went into a McDonald’s restaurant and ordered a Big Mac.

While enjoying his Big Mac and signing autographs asked for him by an adoring group of star struck fans who would be starting kindergarten in the fall, the satyr noticed an ugly looking woman by the pop machine.

The stupid bitch seemed to be taking her time figuring out how the pop machine worked (and she didn’t have the excuse of being an attractive looking blonde with a nice pair of knockers who generally do have such trouble with such simple mechanisms).

Finally the ugly looking bitch was shown by her children how you just had to push your cup against a lever and the pop poured of its own accord.

She finally left the restaurant.

“Thank God,” Pan Goatee took some blood pressure lowering pills, “her ugliness was starting to get on my nerves.”

But then the ugly looking bitch insisted on standing right outside the window where Pan Goatee was sitting totally ruining his view with this hideous blemish on the landscape.

Pan Goatee immediately jumped through the window smashing it into a thousand pieces and beheading the ugly woman with his astral laser machete.

Just then a cab pulled up to the parking space in front and the cab driver stuck his head out the window, “Anybody here call for a ride?”.

“Mom did but this half-man half goat beheaded her,” the ugly woman’s son explained.

Pan Goatee picked up the ugly woman’s decapitated body and threw it in the back seat.

He then picked up the ugly woman’s decapitated head and threw it in the trunk.

“You better drive her home,” Pan Goatee directed after snatching a $20 bill from one of the ugly woman’s kids and handing it to the cab driver, “Being beheaded and driving is like being impaired and driving. It doesn’t really mix and could lead to a major catastrophic traffic or pedestrian collision on our city streets.”

He then went back inside to finish his Big Mac.

Just then a fat ugly blimp walked by him finally wrecking his appetite for good.

Goatee threw the remaining pieces of Big Mac to a homeless man who was looking for bottles in the trash bin outside.

He then beheaded the fat ugly blimp and proceeded to cut her up into a trillion pieces.

“Certainly a lot of fat to go around there,” Goatee thought to himself as he wondered whether he might not have been a government auditor in a past life.

. . .

“Cthulhu has been eating quite a number of the residents of San Francisco,” one of Donald Trump’s White House aides told the toupee wearing President.

“What do I care?” Trump shrugged, “The people of California never voted for me and the people of San Francisco in particular never voted for me. Let them be cake 🍰 for Cthulhu.”

Trump took off his hairpiece and put on a Marie Antoinette wig to see how he would look.

“But Melania says unless you do something to stop Cthulhu’s non-vegan cuisine slaughter in San Francisco, she’s going to give a tell all interview to CNN News.”

“All right,” Trump changed his mind, “Send Gen. James Mattis out there and get him to ask Cthulhu what’s eating him that’s causing him to eat so many residents of San Francisco.”

. . .

Pope Francis was being told by several Cardinals and bishops that he should resign in the wake of the former papal nuncio to the United States’ 11-page document that the pontiff knew about former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s sexual misconduct and covered up for him.

Pope Francis sat in his office and pondered 🤔 the million dollar question, “What would Pope Alexander VI do?”.

Meanwhile Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, who had taken over the Vatican on October 13th last year along with six Vampiric Knights-Templar, the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft, was undergoing a severe anxiety attack in the wake of the possibility that Pope Francis might resign.

Allatallahbel was dealing with her anxiety attack in the only way she knew how.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 27th


  1. Hyperion said,

    Egads! Set, the ancient Egyptian vampire billionaire of Set Enterprises, needs to step in and restore a more orderly chaos to the world. I mean, really, poor Pan Goatee is clearly showing signs of job related burn-out, the Goo is acting characteristically normal, which is bad for international trade and hedonistic free love across borders. Moreover, what can we say about Pope Francis the Pedo Pusher. I think we need to enlist Pan Goatee’s daughter Panty Goatee to behead Pedoes and Pedo pushers.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I wholeheartedly agree, Daniel. 😀

      Panty Goatee needs to be sent to behead the pedo and pedo pushers.

      There’s been a Catholic broadcast journalist named Michael Voris who’s been exposing the homosexual and pedophile priest networks in the Catholic Church and in his most recent expose, he exposed how Archbishop Joseph Cardinal Tobin of Newark New Jersey has been smuggling up young seminarians from Columbia to “serve under” (quite literally) gay priests in his diocese and he’s also been covering for predatory priests.

      Of course Cardinal Tobin is one of pedo pusher Pope Francis’ major advisers and the Pope just named him the major speaker for an important Vatican conference meeting this autumn 🍂.

      Birds of a feather always flock together.

      • Hyperion said,

        What you say is the saddest of truths. The Catholic Church has become a haven for pedophiles and with a massive and secretive network of pedophiles going all the way to the top and likely this has been the facts for centuries.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        There were certainly a lot of perverts in the Renaissance and there have probably been perverts in the College of Cardinals ever since.

        Back in 1903, a known Lucifer worshiper was almost elected Pope but in those days, the Austro-Hungarian Emperor (as the successor of the Holy Roman Emperor) had an Imperial veto over the College of Cardinals’ choice and Franz Josef wisely exercised that veto with the then Cardinal Archbishop of Krakow standing up in conclave to exercise the veto on Franz Josef’s behalf.

        And the Cardinals were forced to elect Giuseppe Sarto instead who went on to become Pope Saint Pius X – the first Pope in centuries to actually be declared a Saint after his death.

        John Paul II was supposedly canonized a Saint by Pope Francis but while John Paul may not have covered up the actions of pedophile bishops and Cardinals, he did have a tendency to bury his head in the sand and look the other way.

        It was Benedict XVI who actually tried to get the sodomites and pedophiles out of the priesthood and episcopacy and cardinalate who found himself blocked by his own Curia at every turn and finally a concentrated effort by Barack O’ Bummer, the Hillarybeast and billionaire investor George Soros put the Vatican Bank under financial attack until Benedict resigned.

        The attack closing Vatican ATMs began on January 1st 2013 and ended on March 1st 2013 (coincidentally the day after February 28th – the day Benedict officially resigned the Papacy).

        Then of course back in September 2015, Barack O’ Bummer welcomed pedo pusher Pope Francis to the U.S. and gushingly declared that he was a “true disciple of Christ.”

        It was actually the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V back in the mid-1550s (no doubt concerned about the number of perverts being elected Popes during the Renaissance) who forced the College of Cardinals to accept an Imperial veto over their choice.

        After Napoleon abolished the Holy Roman Empire in 1806, the Imperial veto passed to the Holy Roman Emperor’s successor the Emperor of Austria 🇦🇹.

        After a Luciferian Cardinal was vetoed in 1903 and a future Saint was elected instead, the College of Cardinals managed to get the Imperial veto removed.

        Of course Pervert Cardinals weren’t successful in truly capturing the Papacy again until they elected Angelo Roncalli (who during his tenure as Papal Nuncio in Istanbul Turkey was initiated into a very strange and occultic branch of Freemasonry) as Pope John XXIII in 1958.

        John XXIII was of course another Pope declared a “Saint” by pedo pusher Pope Francis.

        It might be well for the world if they restored an Emperor to Austria 🇦🇹 again who would have a Imperial veto over College of Cardinals’ choices for Popes.

      • Hyperion said,

        Excellent run down on the Pedo Papacy. It’s time to set the people against the Church, storm the Vatican, and search the catacombs to find all the sorcerers and satanists and bring them to justice sectarian style. Booties will burn from the peoples tomato.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And Sherrielock Holmes will be there leading the charge.

        The la-de-da lavender clique Cardinals and priests won’t find it so pleasurable getting their booties tomatoed by a woman.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, that isnt in the bible so we’ll just call it secular justice.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Exactly. 😂

  2. Orvillewrong said,

    Awesome as always!

  3. David Redpath said,

    Glad to know Pan Goatee
    has more concern for road
    users, than Pope Francis
    has for choir boys, or Trump
    has for Democrat voting
    U.S. citizens.

  4. Apple Rae said,

    Everytime you write about Pan Goatee, it always makes me imagine you sitting in a café, surrounded by ugly women that kill your momentum and make you lose your appetite too lmao 🤣

    Not too bad for a scene though, coz Pan Goatee was able to feed the homeless anyway 😅 just felt bad for the kids of the ugly woman tsss 😆

    Allatallahbel’s anxiety attack was quite familiar to me… i had a roommate back in University who cuts herself and there was a time she even asked me to slash the initials of her boyfriend’s name at that time using a sharp tiny blade at her back near the left shoulder lol so that maybe the scar would make a tattoo 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ rofl 🤣 just so funny Allatallahbel’s image brought me back from that time 😂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      You must be psychic, Apple. 😀

      Because that’s exactly what happens to me when I sit in cafes.

      Are you psychic enough to know that someone released even more dogs, cows and blimps than usual on the streets of Calgary today?

      Poor Pan Goatee! He’ll be having a total nervous breakdown.

      That’s sad about your roommate the cutter. 😢

      • Apple Rae said,

        Lollll you’re too funny 😂😂😂😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks, Apple. 😂😂😂😂

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