Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus

September 15, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Entertainment, Folklore, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus

Pan Goatee was hating living in Calgary.

He had never seen so many ugly women in one place as he had in this city.

The DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer had been ordered by DARPA to spy on supporters of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Federal Liberal Party in this city and bump them off if necessary.

DARPA was following the strict orders of a certain toupee wearing bozo (whose DARPA code name was the GOO – short for Great Orange 🍊 Orifice) in doing this.

The trouble was since there were so many ugly women in the city, Pan Goatee was spending a lot more time on his hobby of serial killing ugly women than he was on following instructions for DARPA.

In addition to killing ugly women, Pan Goatee had also been burning down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods in the city as part of his urban improvement project.

However he had developed machete wielder’s elbow on his right arm (as a result of beheading multitudes of ugly women with his astral laser machete) and arsonist’s thumb on his left hand (as a result of setting fires that burned down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods).

He was in pretty rough shape and Obamacare really didn’t help pay for treating his ailments.

“What a stupid policy Obamacare was,” Pan Goatee seethed.

Goatee asked Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA to make a genetic clone of Krampus (the half-demon half goat entity) who served as assistant to the saintly Saint Nicholas in Bavaria, Austria and Central Europe during the festive Advent and Christmas 🎄 seasons.

“I need Krampus as my assistant,” he explained.

Through cutting back financial support to ISIS, al-Qaeda, al-Nusra and other Islamist terrorists fighting Bashar al-Assad in Syria, the U.S. government was able to find the funding necessary to genetically clone Krampus.

Krampus was delighted to provide his DNA for a genetic clone of himself to serve as a personal assistant to Pan Goatee.

He was a big admirer of Pan Goatee’s and had in fact started an online Facebook fan club for the satyr serial killer of ugly looking women.

Numerous feminist groups and Hillary Clinton supporters had petitioned Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to remove the group off Facebook but Zuckerberg refused.

Krampus had threatened to carry Zuckerberg off to Hell this coming December if he disbanded the group.

Just on the off chance that Pope Francis’ judgement on Hell was about as good as his judgement in covering up for pedophile covering bishops, Zuckerberg didn’t want to take a chance.

This Saturday September 15th 2018, Dr. Faustus Imhotep presented Krampus’ genetic clone Krampus The 2nd as a gift 💝 to Pan Goatee.

Krampus The 2nd jogged 7 times around the city of Calgary in honour of the 7 Hills of Rome.

Krampus then carried a large Christmas sack behind him as he and Pan Goatee went off to do a day’s work.

When Pan went to buy a submarine sandwich, a fat ugly white blimp got in his way.

“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her ugly looking face with his bandaged thumb left hand.

Krampus then beheaded her with Pan’s astral laser machete and proceeded to cut her up into 666 quintillion pieces.

He shoved the pieces into a Pope Francis approved environmentally friendly plastic garbage bag and put it into his sack and ran off to a drug gang controlled neighbourhood which the cloned demon goat burnt down with the fat ugly blimp’s arson soaked remains.

He rejoined Pan Goatee as Goatee stood at a traffic light.

Goatee noticed a fat ugly white blimp across the street from him and so he went and punched her in the face with his bandaged thumb left hand.

Krampus The 2nd beheaded her.

666 quintillion pieces.

Environmentally friendly garbage bag.

Arson soaked fat ugly blimp remains.

Bye-bye another drug gang controlled neighbourhood.

The demon goat jogged back to rejoin the half-human half-goat satyr.

Goatee tried jaywalking across the street but a cop stopped him.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a ticket,” said the cop.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to order you beheaded,” said Pan Goatee.

Krampus The 2nd repeated the process with the cop as he did for the two fat ugly white blimps.

The cop would have been happy to know that his arson soaked remains burnt down another drug gang controlled neighbourhood. 😀

Goatee and Krampus The 2nd went for a ride on the transit train.

A fat ugly white blimp tried to board the train as Goatee was getting off.

“Out of the way, you hideously fat ugly repulsive looking creature,” Goatee punched her full force in her fat ugly face with his bandaged thumb left hand.

Behead. Slash into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. Another drug gang neighbourhood sings a mournful dirge version of that old campfire 🔥 folk song Kumbaya.

Krampus The 2nd was getting it down to a fine art form.

When the cloned half-demon half goat rejoined the half-Human half-goat satyr, Goatee was boarding the transit train again.

This time a fat ugly white blimp got on behind him.

“You fucking fat ugly cow,” Goatee shouted at her, “Why don’t you have the decency to wear a paper bag over your head when you go out in public, you inconsiderate fat assed ton of lard.”

He punched her full force right in her stupid fat ugly pathetic face.

As Pan Goatee headed off to the emergency ward of the nearest hospital to get four knuckles and four fingers on his left hand bandaged, Krampus The 2nd went into full gear.

Beheading. Slicing into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. 360 alarm fire.

Nero’s ghost played on his violin 🎻 Another One Bites The Dust while Pablo Escobar’s ghost counted the number of Air Miles points he had earned from buying boxes of ghostly spectral Kleenex tissues.

Krampus The 2nd: Aiding Pan Goatee in his ongoing campaign to rid the world of ugly looking women and other annoying people.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 15th


  1. Hyperion said,

    A mastery of the geopolitical satire using Satyrs. While I find the satirical humor guffawful and erudite, there is a part of me that marvels at the absolute truth in describing Obamacare and the US cutting back support for terrorist organizations it created to fund projects for goatlike assasins. This had me thinking what would happen if Pan Goatee took on a Dragon Sister as a protege. Her ability to shock her assailants and then use her high tech vibrating metal taloned gloves to emasculate male aggressors and dewombify female vilainesses all while scantily clad in near nothing ancient asian loincloth could be the crowning glory of a new team of superheroes. I wonder if this might be the team needed to cleanse the world of moronism and aesthetic blunder.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I think 🤔 you’re on to something, Daniel. 😀

      Pan Goatee and a Dragon 🐉 Sister protege is probably what’s needed to bring much needed sanity back to the world. 👍👌

      • Hyperion said,

        I believe in the bottom of my bowels it is the right thing for the universe. Can’t wait to see what the DARPA team comes up with.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Well hopefully a Dragon 🐉 Sister administered masterstroke enema to get your bowels and the universe moving again. 😂🤣

      • Hyperion said,

        LMAO! Yes indeedy. Stasis is the death of all things. The universe and bowels are meant to flow in cyclic waves like the ocean tides. When the foghorn blows, hopefully it isn’t in the elevator. Thus spoke Raspootin.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As he said to the Tsarevitch Alexis, “Stop bleeding, boy. I just had a dozen plates of pork and beans. You know what will happen if you don’t stop bleeding. I’m remain here in this room with you while you starting longing for the cold but not so smelly winds of Siberia.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaa haaaa haaaa! Breath deep the impending gloom…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If those two fruity pansy transgendered Russian princes hadn’t shot and killed Rasputin in late 2016, and Rasputin had gone into exile with the Russian Imperial Family at Ekaterinburg, when the Bolshevik firing squad came into to shoot them (on Lenin’s secret orders), Rasputin could have turned around, bent over, pulled his pants down and fired his anal cannon at the Bolshevik firing squad.

        They would have immediately keeled over like a bunch of rag dolls.

        The Russian Imperial Family would have been alive to be rescued by the White Russian army which were on their way to rescue them.

        With the Imperial Family alive, there were have been a symbol for anti-Bolsheviks to rally around and defeat Trotsky’s Soviet Red Army.

        Thus Lenin’s rule would have been quickly brought to an end.

        There would probably have been no Stalin, no Hitler. no Bushes- Sr. and Jr., no Barack O’ Bummer, no Hillary Clinton and no GOO.

        It shows the folly of what happens when members of the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community are allowed to interfere in politics.

        The world becomes a totally screwed up place of disorder and chaos.

        Paving the way for the ultimate Antichrist and Son of Perdition.

      • Hyperion said,

        It is mind bending to think of all the possibilities if some far flung event was changed. Would the sodomites and religious heretics face off with the left and right wing political terrorist and ensure some type of war remained an integral part of every society, or would bumper crops of marijuana mellow us all out and finally bring about the free love state. Only Michelangelo the psychic lobster knows for sure. How is his tank holding up?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Dr. Cadbury Rocher has asked his immortal and extremely young looking and extremely sexy looking immortal great grandmother the London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes not to visit Set Enterprises laboratories to prevent Michelangelo’s lobster tank from exploding.

      • Hyperion said,

        Ha ha ha! I wonder if Panty Goatee would have any affect on Michelangelo. She might be able to slip past the guard and give Michelangelo the psychic lobster a vision he’ll not soon forget.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        You’ve given me an idea for a new vampire novel chapter as soon as I feel inspired to start writing again.

        The number of thoroughly repulsive looking fat ugly blimps who have been crossing my path and insisting on showing me their monstrously hideous facially aesthetically challenged faces has started to take its toll on me the past couple of days.

        My inspiration has been reduced to zero.

        Even Pan Goatee has started to complain.

        And Krampus the 2nd has already put in an emergency application for Alberta Workers’ Compensation after only one day on the job.

        The field of vast ugliness is starting to sap the energy out of humanity’s last best hope.

        I don’t know when I’ll be able to start writing again.

        Breeders of so-called white humanity in the City should be taken to appear before the International Criminal Court in the Hague and charged with Crimes Against Humanity for unleashing such a disgusting progeny of semi-human bovine hybrid assault on visual culture.

      • Hyperion said,

        I have noticed that Slavic women are beginning to wrest the reins of beauty from North America. Russia will conquer all of the continent by simply sending their women to open the gates so the Viking and Mongol hordes can resume thier quests for foriegn lands and lots of gold. All the military age males will be passed out on the sofa after a long night of Russian body language lessons.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think you’ve hit the mark, Daniel.

        According to Malachi Martin (a Jesuit priest who actually believed in the God of Christianity which is something unusual for most Jesuit priests especially the one who currently occupies the highest position in the Vatican), Gorbachev deliberately allowed Perestroika and glasnost in the Soviet Union and allowed the satellite nations of Central and Eastern Europe to leave the Soviet orbit in the belief that Russia could one day take control of the world another way.

        Martin was not too sure what this devious KGB plot was.

        However, looking back in hindsight, using Malachi Martin’s own techniques of geopolitical analysis that I learned from him by reading his book The Keys of This Blood (it was reading that book that first interested me in Geopolitics and International Relations and led me on the way to becoming a geopolitical analyst), what most likely happened was this:

        a Soviet agency managed to make contact with the realm of the Supernatural (long before a U.S. government agency did- if a U.S. government agency ever did- given that staring at goats didn’t manage to help DARPA operatives develop psychic powers as was originally hoped- probably did succeed in making alcoholics out of a lot of them).

        And upon making contact with the realm of the Supernatural, the Soviets discovered that God and the Devil actually existed much to their atheistic dialectical materialist horror.

        Vladimir Putin, Mikhail Gorbachev and Boris Yeltsin managed to keep their wits about them and returned to the Russian Orthodox faith of their mothers and grandmothers.

        However they realized if America became the sole power in the world, this would definitely be the end of the world as we know it.

        So Vladimir Putin conceived the plan to let Central and Eastern Europe go and allow for the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

        This would lull the U.S. and the West into thinking they won the Cold War.

        However unbeknownst to the hubris inflated United States, a Siberian shaman was brought in to revive an ancient Nephilim from the dead in one of the catacombs beneath the Vatican (since the Vatican has so many bodies of Nephilim in the catacombs beneath them, one gone missing wouldn’t be missed and it wasn’t).

        They chose the body of the most hideous ugly looking Nephilim of them all and brought him back from the dead 💀.

        This resurrected Nephilim was trained by demonic incubi into the art of being a superior seductive incubus.

        He then went around seducing ugly and plain looking women in English-speaking North America (for some reason the City of Calgary was his favourite spot- possibly he enjoyed the view of the Blue Canadian Rockies from here).

        The East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who went to work for the Soviet KGB and later the Russian FSB after the fall of the Berlin Wall) developed a serum by which the demonic sperm of the resurrected Nephilim would only allow for the creation of female progeny.

        As such, these ugly and plain looking women seduced by the ugly hideous looking Nephilim incubus only produced hideous and repulsively ugly female progeny who grew up to become the fat ugly blimps and thin ugly anorexic scarecrows that currently blot the North American urban landscape today (the City of Calgary in particular).

        The resulting effect on North American males was that it turned many of them gay or transgendered or both.

        Thus Vladimir Putin’s ingenious plan hit the West with a double whammy 25 to 30 years on- a vast array of ugly looking white women and a huge proportion of gay and transgendered white males.

        North America and the West were now ripe for the picking.

        Putin could send over masses of beautiful looking Slavic women and military age heterosexual males would surrender without a shot being fired.

        Sick of ugly looking white women in their own nations and transgendered gay white males offering them sex, the heterosexual white males would raise their hands and phalluses in the air to welcome their Slavic female saviours and deliverers with open arms and erect male sex organs.

        And Vladimir Putin will go down as the greatest strategic military genius in history for coming up with such an audaciously brilliant plan- breathtaking in its scope and a blitzkrieg far surpassing any used by the Nazis in its applications.

        America will be overrun by Vikings and Mongols while the GOO tweets in his last tweet demanding of military aged white heterosexual males, “Whatever happened to old fashioned loyalty to the Twitterer-In-Chief?”.

      • Hyperion said,

        I don’t doubt a single word, nor a single syllable, or any punctuation used in this BBC style exposé of the true plan to conquer the Northern Americas. I now see the truth of my 72 virgins coming for to carry me home. It’s a brilliant plan and it will work. I almost look forward to it. I hope Renfield doesn’t somehow divert all those Viking and Mongol lovely invaders. Otherwise, we won’t know just how good the plan was.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think Renfield is gentlemanly enough (and horny enough) to let the beautiful Slavic maidens take over North America first.

        He probably doesn’t enjoy the spectacle of fat ugly blimps and anorexic ugly scarecrows among the female population blotting the North American landscape either.

        After all, all these genetic creations of Sherrielock Holmes’ great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher (which include Renfield, Amadeus, Pan Goatee and Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster) all have immensely good taste in women, art, literature, music and beauty.

      • Hyperion said,

        Then the course of action to take is clear, we must not let the Pootinists know that we know of the plot and allow it to execute flawlessly. We can then use nebulous chicanery to twist the plot to our liking which is to impregnate the Slavic fair maidens with Renfieldian slyness whereby we replicate the beauty and social grace of Sherrielock Holmes, Panty Goatee, and a few of the more fair vampiresses in good standing. We may need a recommendation from Dracul Van Helsing on the right Vampiresses to whelp on the Slavic volunteers. From there we can reseed the population of fair maidens to a viable number but they will be under our control not the Pootinists. Seems a good plan. What do you say ole chap? (Strangely familiar voice of the ghost of Winnie Churchill)

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And future generations will look back and say, This was their finest hour (strangely familiar voice of the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill).

      • Hyperion said,

        And the internet will have lots of videos recording the history of the genesis of the age of aesthetics.

  2. Orvillewrong said,

    The thought of double the beheading power will soon turn Calgary in to a beautiful city!

  3. David Redpath said,

    And a Very Merry Gene Donating Austro-Hungarian
    Happy Father Krampus
    . . . to you Chris!

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