Pan Goatee Beheads More Fat Ugly Blimps, Putin’s Latvian Victory and Atlantis Discovered

October 6, 2018 at 10:45 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Science-Fiction, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads More Fat Ugly Blimps, Putin’s Latvian Victory and Atlantis Discovered

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee decided to visit a McDonald’s restaurant he hadn’t been to for a while.

He hoped that there would be no fat ugly blimps in there who would ruin his appetite.

Pan ordered the Big Mac combo and after eating it, lo and behold a couple of extremely repulsively ugly fat ugly Caucasian blimps entered the restaurant and went and sat like elephants in a booth not far from him.

After throwing up all over Ontario Premier Doug Ford (who was in Calgary to attend an Axe The Carbon Tax rally), he said to the Premier now sporting a 🤮 green (formerly black) t-shirt that said JUST SAY NO TO THE CARBON TAX, Pan said to Ford, “You really should have a t-shirt that says JUST SAY NO TO FAT UGLY BLIMPS. Fat ugly blimps are more of a threat to the world’s existence and future survival than a carbon tax is.”

Goatee after redecorating the colour of Doug Ford’s t-shirt then walked over and beheaded the two fat ugly blimps.

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene to cut up the two fat ugly blimps into 666 quadrillion pieces and then put them into environmentally unfriendly plastic garbage bags, pour gasoline on them and then burn down a drug dealer’s house with them.

Goatee then tried to enjoy the rest of his Coca-Cola but then another fat ugly white blimp came and sat directly in front of him.

Goatee then threw up all over Alberta’s Provincial Education Minister David Eggen a member of the NDP cabinet and therefore a supporter of the carbon tax.

“I have to be fair to both sides of this question,” Goatee remarked when he had finished vomiting 🤮.

Goatee then went over and beheaded this third fat ugly white blimp.

Once again Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene and performing his usual déjà vu modus operandi that he had been taught by Pan Goatee eventually set another drug dealer’s house on fire with fat ugly blimp remains (for as David Bowie noted, “You can’t put out fire 🔥 with gasoline ⛽️ “).

Nero’s ghost played on his violin 🎻, “Burn baby burn. Disco inferno…” as the house burnt to the ground although this drug dealer’s house was no New York City Studio 54.

. . .

Meanwhile over in Riga, Latvia 🇱🇻 the pro-Russia party Harmony won the most votes 🗳 in today’s Latvian general election.

What probably sealed the pro-Russia Harmony party’s victory was the recent visit of Pope Francis to Latvia 🇱🇻 two weeks ago.

Pope Francis was denounced as a “disciple of the Devil” by Russian 🇷🇺 President Vladimir Putin in a speech to servicemen and sailors at a Russian naval shipyard last year.

After seeing Pope Francis in person so recently, the Latvian people no doubt reached the conclusion that Putin was correct in his assessment and decided to vote for the pro-Russia Harmony party.

. . .

Meanwhile over in the Atlantic Ocean, the French marine biologist, marine archaeologist and oceanographer Louis Alphonse Cousteau’s older brother Toulouse Cousteau had just discovered the lost continent of Atlantis (as his younger brother Louis Alphonse had just discovered the lost continent of Lemuria in the South Pacific a couple of weeks ago).

Both Cousteau brothers were great nephews of the famous 20th Century French oceanographer Jacques Cousteau.

And both Cousteau brothers had used the geographic coordinates used in a 36-page letter that Nikola Tesla had written in the early 1940s to FDR’s 2nd Vice-President Henry A. Wallace containing the mystical visions of a Croatian Austrian German woman mystic Maria Orsic (whom Tesla described as the true love of his life) on the destruction and locations of both Lemuria and Atlantis to find both lost continents respectively.

Toulouse Cousteau sat aboard his vessel The Calypso Beat (a former Venezuelan oil tanker) and toasted his find with a glass of British Columbia Okanagan Valley Red Wine 🍷.

The lost continent of Atlantis beneath the Atlantic waves 🌊.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 6th


  1. Apple Rae said,

    This post is just so timely! Few hours ago I was in church and I saw an ugly guy that I find really disgusting to look at and that’s when I remember you and I was daydreaming about Pan Goatee saving me from the guy in front of me lol 😆 i wonder whether Pan Goatee beheads men too or only fat ugly women? Anyhow, this is totally hilarious. Krampus the 2nd’s 666 quadrillion pieces added so much spice in this chapter, loved it. ♥️

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Apple. ❤

      Yes, maybe Pan Goatee will behead that ugly guy for you.

      Glad you enjoyed Krampus the 2nd’s 666 quintillion pieces. 😂😅

  2. janowrite said,

    Fat ugly blimps – just deliciously funny – maybe a good meal for someone? 🙂 🙂 🙂

  3. David Redpath said,

    I’ve just nominated Pan for a Nobel Peace Prize in honour
    of his contribution to the
    beautification of the planet.
    Talking of which, an Indian
    Jute manufacturer has offered
    to sponsor Pan in this endeavor.
    Jute, much like hemp, is
    environmentally friendly, but
    without the inflicting munchie
    attacks. All Pan needs do is
    use the Jute bags provided,
    with “Jute is Beaut!” emblazoned
    on the front,
    when disposing of any litter.
    Jute also burns well 🔥.
    Much better than plastic.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That’s great, David.

      I’m sure Pope Francis would approve of the burning of Jute bags as well.

      Justin Trudeau would probably prefer hemp but Canada is probably considered a threat to U.S. cannabis producing jobs.

      So far India doesn’t appear to be in Trump’s tariff provoking sights.

  4. Tanya said,

    😊 once again Pan Goatee doing his best slaying ugly blimps lol, must keep my make up right!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, you’ll have to keep your make-up in check. 💄

      • Tanya said,

        let me start a go start me fund, for Botox and anti-ageing serums…how about that !

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! 😂

        You know Tanya, considering the type of world we’re living in today, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone hasn’t already started a GoFundMe page for just such a thing. 😅

      • Tanya said,

        ha ha Go fund me, I am gona be killed if I look please chip in for much needed Botox, skin-peels and a dollar for lipstick and coffee!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        ROTFL ! 😂

        I wonder how much money you’ll raise? 😅

      • Tanya said,

        It’s a matter of life and death …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      • Tanya said,


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