DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

October 11, 2018 at 10:36 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was currently working on the Beautify Calgary Project (as opposed to the Manhattan Project) – which was developing a new atomic weapon much like the old neutron bomb which instead of killing people and leaving buildings intact was to kill a certain set of people and leave other people intact.

Mephistopheles the demon god of racism proposed killing members of a certain race to Dr. Faustus Imhotep.

However that proposal was vetoed by a higher member of Hell’s demonic and fallen angelic hierarchy.

The hierarchical superior (who approved of Pan Goatee) suggested instead that fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows should be killed with the new weapon.

And hence the name – the Neutrouglotino bomb (a neutron bomb guaranteed to neutralize ugly women and kill them dead- to paraphrase an old TV Commercial for Raid House and Garden Bug Killer insecticide spray).

The proposal was to use it in the City of Calgary since they had the greatest number of ugly women per capita in the world.

And since the vast majority of fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows in the city’s female population were white, it should also meet with the approval of Mephistopheles whose demonic job was to promote racism and hatred of other races among all races.

However only a small quantity of Neutrouglotino powder could be used since it was mined in Antarctica 🇦🇶 and only a small portion could be mined every year.

Pan Goatee upon seeing an ugly woman would then drop the powder and with its UGLO searching ability injected into it through the use of uglo-hating nanites (whose masturbatory thoughts and fantasies were filled with images of Akira a female Japanese sex robot with the highest form of Artificial Intelligence and Dragon Sister kickass Martial Arts abilities which met with the DARPA Seal of Approval by a DARPA employee codenamed after the Greek titan god of heavenly light 🌞) would then go and kill every ugly looking woman within a 5 block radius.

This being Calgary of course, it wasn’t long before Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a hideous repulsively ugly looking fat ugly blimp of a white woman.

Pan Goatee threw the bomb powder and the blimp fell to the ground quite dead (causing a major earthquake on the other side of the world from the spot).

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene and beheaded the blimp sticking the blimp’s head in a potato 🥔 sack that said DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT.

The nanites ate the rest of the blimp body and immediately vomited 🤮 afterwards.

This procedure was then followed throughout the day by Pan Goatee encountering numerous fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows.

He’d throw the Neutrouglotron powder, the uglo offender to humanity would keel over, Krampus the 2nd would behead the aesthetic offender, stick the hideous head into the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT and then the nanites would eat the rest of the uglo creature from Hell (the dreaded and mercifully unknown to Dante 13th circle of the Inferno) and immediately proceed to vomit 🤮 all over the place.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi was being inundated with thousands of calls from outraged citizens about gallons of unusual looking vomit 🤮 that were appearing on city sidewalks.

As for the uglo creatures’ heads in the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT, Goatee had instructed Krampus the 2nd to deliver those to Trump’s gold plated washroom in the West Wing of the White House and to stack the hideous repulsively looking ugly heads one on top of the other on the bathroom floor such as the display from Hell would be the first thing that Trump would see upon entering the Oval Office Executive Washroom.

. . .

Lexington the White House valet heard the most heart wrenching eardrum piercing scream and anguished 😧 cry that he had ever heard in his life.

He went rushing down the hall and there sat Donald Trump on the floor outside his gold plated washroom with a look of extreme shell shock in his eyes, sheer terror on his face and a mouth agape as if dead 💀.

Finally Trump spoke.

He spoke the same words over and over again.

The same words that were spoken by Marlon Brando’s character of Col. Kurtz at the end of Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 film Apocalypse Now.

“The horror… the horror…”

. . .

While California psychologist Christine Blasey Ford was being flown into Washington DC to be brought in as a consultant to use her Artificial Situation In The Mind Visualization Technique to bring the President out of his state of extreme extreme extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Lexington the White House valet was suspecting a Democratic Party Deep State White House Secret Service plot to only intensify the Donald’s PTSD, the ghost of Orson Welles was showing the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill the TV commercial he had recently directed for a Chilean winery called Casillero del Diablo:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 11th


  1. ortensia said,

    All this was exhausting only to read😍

  2. George F. said,

    This was hysterical and prophetic! LOL! Thanks for the Akira mention! And did you know “they” already have a weapon like this: “demon god of racism proposed killing members of a certain race to…” It’s not a bomb however. They designed it and set it loose upon the population. They called it AIDS.
    You’re a genius Drac! Loved it!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, George. ☺

      Yes, I heard that about AIDS.

      In the 2000-2001 James Cameron TV series Dark Angel with Jessica Alba (who provided many a night’s wet dream back in the day), some dark government agency released a DNA weapon bomb in Seattle’s Chinatown designed to kill Asians.

      • George F. said,

        Jessica Alba…so hot…and yes, I too watched that series. Won’t admit to wet dreams however.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And you’ve trained yourself to be able to lie to a polygraph test. 🤣

  3. David Redpath said,

    Really Chris!?
    Some of my best friends are Glotinos, posing as plus
    size models. It’s bad enough
    that the Greek Island of Santorini
    has banned overweight glotinos
    from riding donkeys, now they
    are in danger of mass
    by a Neutrouglotron bomb!
    Mephistopheles now has gone
    a Jenny Craig too far.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I imagine the donkeys of Santorini (a place that my dad once visited and loved. In fact I remember as a kid when my mother was in hospital for 2 weeks facing and recovering from a very serious operation, our next door neighbours had invited us over to their house for supper one night and Dad asked our next door neighbour Walt, “Walt, do you know where I can buy a donkey?” thus sending my sister and myself and Walt’s 3 daughters into huge gales of laughter to say nothing of Walt when he finally recovered from the shock of being asked such a question. That probably explains why my dad loved Santorini so well when he visited Greece. They had donkeys there) are very relieved that overweight glotinos have been banned from riding them.

  4. David Redpath said,

    That’s a lovely story, Chris.
    My No.2 son went to Santorini,
    and sent some beautiful pics. One day, God willing,
    I’ll venture there.But in the
    meantime my wife has a
    thing for Spain, so … Olé.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      So instead of riding donkeys in Santorini, you’ll be doing the running of the bulls in Pamplona and running to save your backside from a Spanish bull coming down on it like a Pope Francis Vatican Lavender Mafia Jesuit priest.

      • David Redpath said,

        Unlike Earnest Hemingway,
        I think running with the bulls
        is for tourists and fools.
        I’d prefer to be the one doing
        the goring at the local Bordello,
        next to the Hospitalarios, where they know how to give a gringo the last rights.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Sounds like a very good place to have the Last Rites administered. 😆

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