Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

October 12, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

Pan Goatee was riding the bus back to his home when he noticed a hideously fat ugly white blimp riding at the back of the bus.

Goatee was astounded.

He was positive that he had beheaded the fat ugly bitch only weeks earlier.

He turned around and faced the front (for he was sitting at the front of the bus) so he wouldn’t have to look at her fat ugly repulsive aesthetically challenged face.

Just then a thin ugly white scarecrow (who would indeed be good at scaring off crows and everybody else for that matter) got on at the front of the bus and then sat directly across from him.

“What the fuck?” Goatee thought to himself.

He went over and beheaded the thin ugly scary scarecrow.

Krampus the 2nd teleported on to the scene with his innate demonic abilities and cut the thin ugly scarecrow woman into 666 quadrillion pieces, put the remains in a Pope Francis unapproved environmentally unfriendly plastic garbage bag and used it as fuel to burn down a drug dealer’s house.

Goatee then walked towards the back of the bus and beheaded the fat ugly white blimp he was positive that he had beheaded only weeks earlier.

When Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene, Goatee instructed the DARPA made genetically cloned demon (cloned from the original Krampus who so terrified and still terrifies the devoutly Catholic countries that made up the core of the medieval Holy Roman Empire) to save the hands of the fat ugly blimp and take them back to DARPA headquarters for analysis by DARPA’s Psychic Lobster Liberace (a name designed to appeal to America’s LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community- like most government agencies out of touch with the community they’re seeking to woo for support they were totally unaware that the performer Liberace was hugely unpopular with most of the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community for denying his sexual orientation throughout his lifetime).

DARPA had plagiarized the idea of a psychic lobster from Britain’s Set Enterprises whose Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had genetically created a psychic lobster named Michelangelo back in 2010.

Goatee wanted Liberace to determine whether the fat ugly blimp was in fact the very same fat ugly blimp that the genetically created satyr serial killer had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

Krampus the 2nd after saving the elephant sized hands could dispose of the rest of the fat ugly blimp’s body in his usual Krampusonian manner.

That night Pan Goatee got a text message from Dr. Faustus Imhotep who had been told by Exlaxia (the DARPA equivalent of Amazon’s AI assistant Alexa) after being in telepathic communication with Liberace the DARPA psychic lobster that the fat ugly blimp was indeed the very same uglo creature that Goatee had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

After a violent fit of lobster vomiting after seeing the hands (for which the explosion proof tank of hydrogen immediately needed to be replaced), Liberace wearing a diamond and sparkling jewel 💎 encrusted white suit and jacket played a vigorous rendition of Elvis’ Viva Las Vegas on his toy piano 🎹 with his lobster claws and then telepathically communicated with Exlaxia his analysis.

Apparently the fat ugly blimp had been brought back from the dead by order of Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton had hired a Haitian voodoo witch doctor Pierre Josephine Swaying Les Fesses to bring the fat ugly blimp back from the dead.

He/she (for the Haitian witch doctor was an androgynous hermaphrodite) had done the same for some other ugly female victims of Pan Goatee as well on Hillary’s orders.

Hillary’s covert plan was to bring the Calgarian fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows back from the dead and illegally have them documented as American citizens to be able to vote in the 2020 Presidential election as almost all ugly women were inclined to vote for Hillary by inherent natural disposition.

What a sinister piece of black magic witchcraft, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

Here the Hillarybeast was in favour of killing unborn babies but at the same time was bringing fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows (who had been conceived in the very bowels of Hell itself) back from the dead.

What nefarious witchcraft was this? Goatee wondered.

Meanwhile at the Vatican in Rome, Pope Francis was using a very very very abstract modern art Crucifix carved in the shape of a witches Stang to summon the ghost of Aleister Crowley from the pits of Tartarus on his birthday which was today October 12th.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 12th


  1. Samridhi said,

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  2. David Redpath said,

    Dracul, my Vatican insider,
    Brother Junípero Fandango,
    informs me that the Coucil
    of Cardinal Advisers was
    asked to advise Pope Francis
    as to whether summoning
    the ghost of Aleister
    Crowley would consistent
    with biblical teachings.
    They concluded that the rock music industry found
    his imput so edifying, that
    why the hell not?
    There was apparently one
    lone dissenting voice, a
    Benedictine as usual, but
    they gave him the stang.
    Now, how to nip this
    Uglo-Clinton thing in the
    petri dish?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Aleister Crowley certainly provided a lot of inspiration for the rock music industry.

      The Cardinal Advisers no doubt hope he’ll be able to do the same for the Rock of Peter.

      Gianfranco Cardinal Ravasi the head of the Pontifical Council For Culture is a big admirer of Crowley and his impact on the arts.

      Cardinal Ravasi is also a man who found the very last music video that David Bowie ever made “so edifying”.

      I was horrified by the last video that David Bowie made.

      A human skeleton wearing an astronaut suit being found by a half-human half-rodent woman with a long lizard tail – no doubt an Uglo-Clinton thing not nipped in the Petri dish- seems totally devoid of hope for humanity- seemed to me to be the message of the video,

      • David Redpath said,

        I did like Bowie’s ‘Lazarus’.
        It was definitely a farewell song.
        In the the video, laying in bed
        with coins over his eyes, a
        high heel shoe under the bed,
        finishing with Bowies reversing
        back into a closet (much like
        Brother Junípero Fandango).

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, he better hope all the members of the Lavender Mafia have left the closet whilst he’s backing in or he might find a sudden sausage inside one of his orifices.

      • David Redpath said,

        Bro Jo (Brother Junípero’s
        secret code name) is no
        altar boy, but he does believe
        in brotherly love. A seminary
        prerequisite, apparently.

  3. David Redpath said,

    Oops, Brother Junípero wished
    to remain a closeted secret
    mole, whilst staying in the,
    so please don’t tell anyone!

  4. David Redpath said,

    In the closet then, he’ll remain.
    But of the overcrowding in there,
    he does complain.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes I imagine all the non-Lavender Mafia members of the Vatican have been locked in the closet while all the gay orgy celebrating Lavender Mafia of Pope Francis are out of the closet like a bat out of Hell eating meatloaf and saying I’d do antything for lust including that and are busy running the curia and the Vatican and the entire Catholic Church these days.

  5. David Redpath said,

    Perhaps a bit less stressing
    this whole celibacy thing might
    attract a wider range of recruits
    to the clergy?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, if they made celibacy optional instead of compulsory, they might attract a better class of recruits to the clergy.

  6. David Redpath said,

    Perhaps, if all else fails
    … castration?
    As it was once said, better to
    cut your hand ✋ than to be “thrown into eternal fire 🔥”

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, that verse about cutting off a bodily member and casting it from thee was one Biblical verse that the third century theologian Origen of Alexandria took very literally.

      He took the verses about Christ actually encountering the Devil in The wildness and being tempted by him as strictly symbolic and metaphorical rather than literal and historical events thus foreshadowing the Modernist (anti-Supernatural and denying the Supernatural) theologians of the 19th and 20th Centuries.

      But he took the verse about cutting off a bodily part and throwing it from him very literally and very seriously.

      With the end result that Origen of Alexandria cut off his own private parts and cast it from him.

      Thus Origen of Alexandria doth never become the origin of progeny as a result.

      • David Redpath said,

        A sanguine lesson, of a silly
        sausage lost and forsaken.
        The extreme of misinterpretation.
        Beware false teaching, or you
        may loose your extremity.

  7. janowrite said,

    Rolling on floor again – Exlaxia. Environmentally Unfriendly. Psychic Lobster Liberace. You’ve done it yet again! 🤣🤣🤣💕

  8. David Redpath said,

    I’ve just had a reprimand from Brother Junípero’s
    OPPRO (Operation Prodestation)
    handler. They’ve had to change
    his code name from ‘Bro Jo’
    to ‘Blo Jo’, due to my indiscretion, but keep that to
    yourself. I already have to do
    some penance. At least with
    OPPRO, penance is usually of
    the warm and fuzzy variety.
    Unlike the the Lola Loyola
    followers, where it’s retribution
    of the hot and sticky variety.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Blo Jo and his blow jobs will be kept an international state secret in the files of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters which are located in the Rare Books library of Castle Dracula in the Carpathian Mountains.

      The files on Blo Jo will be kept right next to the stained blue dress of Monica Lewinsky in the Archives collection.

  9. David Redpath said,

    Thanks Dracul. That’s a big
    load off my mind.

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