The Vampire From Killarney: A Humourous Halloween Poem

October 20, 2018 at 11:33 pm (Comedy, Culture, Folklore, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, Humour, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

‘Tis time for a tale of Gothic blarney
about a vampire from Killarney
his name was Freddy O’ Barney
and he worked as a night time circus carney

He went from Ireland to England’s London town
hoping to turn the city upside down
Count Fred heard the streets there were paved with gold
That Donald Trump had shit bricks there by the truckload
But it was all old wives’ tales
like women seduced by the Prince of Wales

Count Fred (for he was no Dracula) walked into a bar
his vampire bat wings home floating in a jar
he saw a beautiful young woman wearing a red dress
her nubile young body he hoped to caress
and her debonair mind he hoped to impress

Count Fred walked up to her and said, “Top of the morning to you”
and she replied, “But it’s late evening just like the colour of my pantyhose is midnight blue”
The blarney count said, “But it’s morning to me” and at her nylons’ description, he came to,
to get under her dress, he must see this through

He tipped his hat and took a bow
for the midnight hour was definitely now
“My name by birth is Freddy O’ Barney
and I’m the long lost Count of Killarney”
said she, “My woman’s intuition tells me you’re full of blarney”
” Tis true,” said some drunk at the bar, “he’s a circus carney”

Fred grabbed his shillelagh and gave him a whack
and the drunk hit the floor like a fallen potato sack

Fred sat down next to the girl,
gave his pocket handkerchief a twirl
and in a lilting nocturnal like voice said,
with the rhythm of one seductively Undead,
“Can I buy you a drink, my lady so fair?”
Hoping to get into her underwear.

She flicked back her hair and said, “Sure why not?”
For she thought another drink would sure hit the spot.

Said he in Irish brogue
like a highwayman rogue,
“What can I get you, my dear?
Cocktail, gin, whiskey, or beer?”.

Smiling she licked her lips, “I’ll have a Vermouth”
for she had a sweet tooth
She bared her fangs
and played with her curly bangs

“Shit,” Count Fred thought to himself
like the lone forgotten book on the shelf,
he had selected a vampiress for his prey
on this night, he’d get no blood though he might get a lay

Fred O’ Barney ordered for himself from the bartender a soft drink popular North American root beer brand
The Fountainhead for his midnight snack hopes dashed and so he shrugged like an atlas of writer Ayn Rand

The bartender brought the vermouth and the root beer
as moonlight shone through the window so crystal clear
and so it happened on this dark sky but moonlit night
of dashed expectations and no feminine fright
that he put the root beer to his mouth
while down her low-cut dress he looked further south.
From his vampiric mouth he sprayed
dashing even his hopes of getting laid
for thus it did turn out on this star-crossed night
that his Barq was far worse than his bite.

Note: Barq is the name of a popular North American soft drink root beer brand.

-A humourous Gothic Halloween
vampire poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 20th
2018.

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38 Comments

  1. rebirthshande said,

    I e

  2. Hyperion said,

    A wonderfully erotic gothic tale. Next time ole Count Fred should stick to ale. Those vampiress fangs so pearlescent under a rueful smile are the stuff of succubus dreams and fit my style of vampiress delights served in a diaphanous wrapper of midnight blue tights. 😍

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Very eloquently erotically gothically put, Daniel. πŸ˜ƒ

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL! Goth girls are my favorite.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Another taste we have in common, Daniel.

        When I was in University, goth girls were my favourite. πŸ˜ƒ

      • Hyperion said,

        I love how they taste like star anise, raspberry, and a hint of pralines. Only Goth Girls can master such a gustatory appettance and wear it so well. πŸ˜‹

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Definitely designed to attract vampires with excellent culinary taste. πŸ˜…

      • Hyperion said,

        I know I definitely popped the lid on my crèche when the young vampiress flashed her canines. 😍

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! πŸ˜‚

  3. George F. said,

    Wat Hype said. Loved it.

  4. George F. said,

    Vampires and sex go together like…oh, I dunno…a beer and a shot. And you’ve got the erotica down! I’d like to get into one of your Vampiress’ underwear too…at risk of having all my blood sucked!

  5. velvetscreams said,

    What a tale!😌

  6. ortensia said,

    Irish vampire are always good but the best are Italian vampire lives not and n Ireland……..may be close to Killarney πŸ˜‰πŸ§›β€β™€οΈπŸ§›β€β™‚οΈ

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      An Italian vampire living close to Killarney.

      No doubt serving up dishes of pasta, blood and bologna. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜…πŸ˜„

      • ortensia said,

        Pasta blood and bologna……I love it and really sound like my pasta with raguπŸ˜‰πŸ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        A vampirically raging ragu. πŸ˜†

      • ortensia said,

        🀣

  7. David Redpath said,

    “I resemble that comment
    regarding old wives’ tails!”
    ~The Prince of Wales

  8. David Redpath said,

    “For much peering
    down blouses
    I have a Peerage for Fred
    somewhere in my trousers”
    ~ Charles Windsor

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      A touch of homoerotica in the Prince of Wales
      Such is the stuff of modern fairy tales.

      • David Redpath said,

        Dartmouth (Britannia Royal Naval College) takes no
        responsibility for the Prince
        of Wales’ proclivities.
        But he did come in very handy
        when putting on a Gilbert and
        Sullivan extravaganza!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Singing “Three little maids from school are we…”

      • David Redpath said,

        “You should have seen
        Charles in our production of
        The Pirates With No Pants!”
        ~ Head Boy, Dartmouth.

  9. David Redpath said,

    “You should have seen
    Charles in our production of
    The Pirates With No Pants!”
    ~ Head Boy, Dartmouth.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I understand a video of Prince Charles with a large erection singing “I am the very model of a modern major-general” was used as a recruiting video when openly gay men were first invited to enroll in the British Army.

      • David Redpath said,

        I’m sure that would’ve attracted
        a hoard of forelock tugging
        monarchists!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As well as the writing of a little known biography about Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall’s husband entitled Charles The Once and Future Queen.

      • David Redpath said,

        Rex or Regina?
        King Charles III
        What a drag!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If he wears a dress, he’ll find himself being pursued by French President Emmanuel Macron at their first meeting.

      • David Redpath said,

        According to Camilla,
        Charles quite likes it when
        you hold him down by
        the ears.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It was like the time Captain James T. Kirk said to Mr. Spock, “I really think it’s time you and I tried something gay, Spock” and Spock replied, “I’m all ears, Captain.”

  10. draculauren said,

    Well this is fangtastic. πŸ˜€ “Seductively undead!” Yes yes yes. More poems and more root beer please.

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