Wilkie The Cat As Count Dracula: A Halloween Theatrical Poem

October 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Gather around, all ye folks,
If you’re Canadian, watch your tokes,
In this theatre, pot is for peeing and not for smokes.
Our story begins here on Broadway
where Donald Trump sought starlets to lay
before Vladimir Putin turned him gay

Oprah Winfrey (as a transgendered Othello) :

Oh where, oh where is Desdemona?
I lie here in bed making many a moana
but I hear no Desdemona a groana.


Ms. Winfrey, you’re in the wrong theatre
this is what happens when you drink too much beera
The LGBTQ production of Othello is next door
please watch those Jesuit condoms on the floor
as from this theatre to that, you kindly pass
while Pope Francis’ order celebrates a Baphomet Mass


Oh damn, oh damn,
so much for a grand slam,
Roseanne Barr plays a transgendered Iago
while Donald Trump calls Robert Mueller a fago.


And now Oprah is moving her ass
as from this theatre to that, she kindly does pass
And now we shall begin our own theatrical tale
as Greenpeace activist encounters a methane gas producing carbon emissions whale
caused by Jefferey the otter’s cooked extra spicy pork and beans tipping the scale

And the good ship Demeter crashes
as Mina Harker bats her eyelashes
for the methane gas producing whale has sunk the ship
while Greenpeace activist takes a Justin Trudeau inspired trip
And Count Dracula (played by Wilkie the Cat) swims ashore
while his coffin is carried by a yarmulke wearing rabbi wild boar
it’s a good thing the boar is no porcine Hannibal Lecter
otherwise his culinary tastes would violate the Mosaic laws inspector

I forgot to mention that Mitzi la feline actress Parisienne plays Mina Harker
as Dr. Jack Seward’s asylum patient Renfield eats Peter Parker
Spiderman is now gone
a marvel of a swan song
Lackey of Christopher Lee has triumphed over a Lee named Stan
as Antifa takes a statue of Robert E. into the can

The Confederate military hero
is to the political left a great big zero
even though he freed his own slaves long before did Ulysses S. Grant
but this is all ignored in a New York Times rant

Dracula swims ashore near Whitby Abbey
where Canterbury’s ex-ArchDruid Rowan Williams looks crabby
he should have had the lobster flambe instead of crabs a l’amour
given him while dallying with a young French paramour

And Jonathan Harker (played by Kelsey Grammer) watches in horror
as Dracula seduces his sweet love Lenore
oops! – wrong script! – Poe’s The Raven is the performance for tomorrow night
as this Wilkie production of Dracula shuts down this theatre’s marquee light

As Dr. Abraham Van Helsing played by David Hyde Pierce
moves in to collect Dracula’s Transylvanian government tax arrears
he stabs the vampiric nobleman through the heart
as the carbon emissions whale in the sea lets out one last fart.
Both Greenpeace activist and Count Dracula are now dead
The janitor will have to wipe the spot where Wilkie has bled
for a real stake was mistakenly used instead of a prop
the hazards of hiring for a prop hand a drunken sop.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 27th

Desdemona’s Death Scene by Dante Gabriel Rosetti
A scene from a 19th Century British production of William Shakespeare’s Othello
very different from an early 21st Century American production of Othello


  1. Tanya said,

    Funny and sarcastic, so many allusions one really has to have good knowledge of current affairs. History and literature to be understanding. Loved it, will be waiting for Poe’s Raven count🧛‍♂️

  2. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Thank you, Tanya.

    Yes, I often incorporate current events, history and literature into my writing.

  3. Tanya said,

    It’s unique more like political sarcasm. Interesting!

  4. Tanya said,

    You do and it’s fresh it’s good to see humour and satire still thriving in the writing atmosphere of gloom and self-gloat.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes one of my comedic heroes was the late great actor Robin Williams and now that he’s gone, I’m proud to be carrying on his legacy of satire and humour as well as the legacy of satire and humour of two great Canadian comedians of the mid-20th century – the Toronto based comedy duo of Wayne and Shuster.

      • Tanya said,

        I commend that Dracula, I’ve been observing how the genre of humour is being subdued by the horror and apocalyptic fiction not that I have anything against them, it’s just I miss pure simple humor and wit. Robbin William was my fav too, I’ve to find out about Wayne and Shushter. I admire your work😊

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you.😃

        I believe you can find Wayne and Shuster videos if you search for them on YouTube.

        They were actually among the most popular guests on The Ed Sullivan Show back in the days when Ed Sullivan was the grand master of television.

        They probably have Wayne and Shuster’s Julius Caesar sketch somewhere on there.

        That was among Ed Sullivan’s personal favourite comedy sketches of theirs.

        They probably have The Shakespearean Baseball Game on there as well which had such great lines as “Foul ball? Why I’ve never seen so fair a foul.”.

      • Tanya said,

        I’ll definitely check that out on YouTube , I like mock- epic and sarcastic poems my fav genre. Have a radiant and prosperous day ahead Count🧛‍♂️, sun has been veiled behind clouds you can now come out, it’s getting dark!

  5. GP Cox said,

  6. George F. said,

    Brilliantly done…how you comedically and satirically mix everyone in the same pot is hysterical! Dracula and Vampires must always be there! Love it!

  7. Hyperion said,

    LMAO 😂 Loved it. Especially the Whoops wrong play. That Wilkie has been following the strange cloud circling Truedopes house garden.

  8. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Thanks, Daniel. 😃

    Yes writing a script like that, Wilkie has definitely been inhaling a lot of the genetically created pot smoking cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled marijuana smoke. 😂

  9. David Redpath said,

    This theatrical production
    all sounds most queer?
    I do hope the author
    keeps his hands off King Lear.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes with a name like King Lear, one might mistake him for a voyeurist of some importance.

      • David Redpath said,

        I think that’s why they crowned
        Geoffrey Rush as the Aussie
        King Lear, but the role has since
        bit him on the arse.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It wasn’t Johnny Depp’s smuggled dogs that did that in some sort of bizarre twist on a new Operation Barbarossa?

      • David Redpath said,

        King Lear’s youngest daughter,
        Cordelia, has accused him of
        feeling her up on stage. It’s
        now gone to court. If only the
        Barb was here to do to cover
        the story.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Regan and Goneril are no doubt relieved for the answers they gave,.

        They got the Keys to the kingdom rather than the clasp to the breast.

      • David Redpath said,

        That’s what sisters are for.
        That, and the occaisional
        drop of poison.

  10. David Redpath said,

    But then, dear author,
    like Wilke the thespian cat,
    I’d be curious to know what could Queen Oprah would
    do with a bottle of tequila.

  11. tychy said,

    A beautiful, thought-provoking poem and a very daring lesbian Othello from Rosetti. Happy Halloween.

  12. ortensia said,

    Theatrically Halloweenily engaging👻

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