Anubis On All Souls’ Day

November 2, 2018 at 10:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel)

Hades, Persephone and their entourage had been invited to attend a Greek-Irish wedding up on Earth for All Souls’ Day.

The Greek groom had recently been excommunicated by the Patriarch of Constantinople for expressing admiration for Vladimir Putin and the Irish bride had been excommunicated by Pope Francis for having the audacity to use Hell in a sentence.

They would be wed today on All Souls’ Day in Athens by a Salt Lake City Mormon bishop with a penchant for using Canadian recreational cannabis.

Belvedere the ghost white salamander Times of London reporter would serve as Best Salamander at the wedding and Gali-Gula the ET gray from Nibiru would be Best Extraterrestrial.

Baphomet would be both Best Man and Bridesmaid at the wedding.

Since Hades and Persephone and company would be at the wedding, they put their divine Egyptian counterparts in charge of the Underworld for a day.

Anubis the son of Set (who was now no longer the Egyptian god of night, chaos and darkness but a billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire and businessman living in London) who was also the Egyptian jackal headed god of the dead was currently in charge of souls while the Styx river Ferryman Charon drank Guinness and exchanged witticisms with Irish singer Chris de Burgh at the wedding about not paying the ferryman until he gets you to the other side at the famed Athens Irish-Greek wedding for All Souls’ Day.

Anubis weighed the souls of pedophile priests slain by Panty Goatee (the DARPA contract assasiness and genetically cloned twin sister of satyr serial killer Pan Goatee) as well as the souls of ugly women slain by satyr serial killer Pan Goatee himself and found both sets of souls were wanting.

Both sets of souls were then promptly eaten by Ammit the ancient Egyptian demoness who was part lion, part hippopotamus and part crocodile.

Ammit’s Hellish McHappy meal was accompanied by Pan Goatee’s younger brother Pan Deux playing the Dirge For The Dead on the bagpipes.

The cry went up to find the soul of Asclepius in order to treat Ammit for her acute indigestion as a result.

. . .

During the ensuing round of chaos and Hell hath no fury like a pair of screeching bagpipes played by a tartan kilt wearing satyr, the ghost of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin managed to sneak out of Tartarus and the realm of Hades itself.

He went to Saudi Arabia to serve as a spiritual adviser to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman on how to kill millions of political opponents at once instead of just one at a time.

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the British MP Renfield R. Renfield had conceived a conspiratorial plot to murder a Google executive for sexually harassing female employees.

The Google exec was invited to Qonzilqointec’s apartment in Mexico City to celebrate Dia de Los Muertos (Day of The Dead).

As the pair of Qonzilqointec and the horny Google exec wore devil horns and drank wine, the Google exec kissed the vampiress on the cheek:

Renfield then emerged from behind the curtains and fired a poison dart that paralyzed the sexually predatory Google exec.

Although paralyzed, the Google exec could still feel pleasure and pain.

He got an erection when he saw the low-cut mini dress wearing Qonzilqointec leaning over him.

He tried to scream in pain but couldn’t when the Aztec vampiress used an obsidian knife to cut him open and rip out his still beating heart and hold it in her hands and then feed it to a demon dog.

The Google exec died, had his soul weighed by Anubis and then eaten by Ammit who had recovered from her heartburn by eating a whole bottle of Rolaids.

Pan Deux meanwhile was playing his bagpipes at the Irish-Greek wedding on the Earth’s surface in Athens where he quickly emptied out the wedding reception hall.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 2nd


  1. Hyperion said,

    Never a dull day amongst the gods, godesses, and vampire population. Glad to see Panty and Pan got a day off from their endless and exhausting work. Great stuff my friend!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Daniel. 😃

      I don’t know if you had started to read my blog when I first introduced the character of Pan Deux the bagpipe playing satyr who is Pan Goatee’s genetically created younger brother.

      He was genetically created by Dr. Cadbury Rocher back in 2013 after the genetic original Pan Goatee escaped a Set Enterprises truck to join a rock band as their lead pan piper.

      Pan Deux was created without any Siberian yeti (as opposed to Himalayan yeti) DNA which didn’t make him quite so homicidal as his older brother.

      Pan Deux eventually became the official bagpiper to the deputy leader of the Scottish Nationalist Party.

      After the Scottish Nationalist Party lost the 2014 Scottish national referendum on Scottish independence (much to the heartbreak of Scottish Jacobites such as myself), then British Prime Minister David Cameron named the deputy leader of the Scottish Nationalist Party the new Deputy British Consul at the British Consulate in Jerusalem to show that the British government harboured no ill feelings towards Scottish nationalists.

      Pan Deux accompanied the former SNP Deputy leader to Israel as the consulate’s official bagpiper as he quite enjoyed the Scottish-Indian cuisine culinary dishes prepared by the deputy leader’s Mumbai born and raised Indian wife who made such mouthwatering dishes as curried haggis.

      • Hyperion said,

        I didn’t remember reading about Pan Deux before but, he does seem to have a rich heritage like his brother and sister. The Goatee siblings are definitely a diverse threat to the unaesthetics and Sodomites hiding in plain sight amongst the pious Catholics.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I remember Sherry took a break off blogging for about a year and a half after poor little Amanda died.

        I seem to remember she only started writing again after the Scottish independence referendum was held.

        It was when she returned to WordPress again that I noticed your picture among the bloggers who liked her posts.

        I thought who is this guy who’s posted a picture of himself who looks like an ancient Roman Emperor who’s just been informed that he’s now the subject of an IRS tax audit for failure to pay appropriate death duties and taxes on his Roman villa estate.

        That’s when I clicked on your pic and started reading your posts.

        I remember reading about a beautiful Dragon Sister starting a waitressing job while wearing one of those oriental dresses with a long slit up the side of her skirt.

        After carefully wiping my computer screen, I was hooked from that moment on.

      • Hyperion said,

        LMAO! I should have followed your lead and made the dragon sisters into transhumanist cybrid vampire slayers and chronicled their escapades in the geopolitical underwear world. I would have had 5 readers instead of just 4.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And two of those readers would have been Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.

        Both looking at the geopolitical underwear world from different perspectives.

      • Hyperion said,

        I suspect the GOO had a much wetter view.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes as Stormy felt her lower regions to be as dry as a desert sand storm.

        So much for the excitement of an encounter with Donald Tump.

      • Hyperion said,

        And the Gold of the valley of kings glistened in the royal GOO tower, ah sighed the GOO, how he loved a golden shower

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As Putin came down like a waterfall in Russia’s Ural Mountains.

      • Hyperion said,

        And the GOO mounted his smart phone to unleash a new twitter twerk.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And Melania thought to herself, “What a jerk.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Which the GOO mistook for stringent urges to continue his twerks

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Minutes later, the GOO starts screaming to his British valet, “Lexington! Lexingon! I can’t see!”.

        And Lexington replies, “Didn’t your mother warn you about blindness, sir?”.

      • Hyperion said,

        No, she only mention I should shave my palms daily.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! 😂

        He went to the Halloween Prom each year as the Wolfman.

      • Hyperion said,

        That soft furry rub on the knee isn’t the cat, sweety. 😳🤫

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That soft furry rub on the knee better go no higher.
        Because my own pussy is not for hire.

      • Hyperion said,

        And so the GOO asked the working gal if he could have a shower

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And she went Norman Bates on him.

      • Hyperion said,

        Finally, the GOO gets his shower scene.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As the woman at the prom boldly goes beyond where the circumcizing rabbi has gone before.

  2. Tanya said,

    These Goate siblings are creating lot of rucus and contributing a lot to beauty, Music and aesthetics …

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Indeed they are, Tanya.

      The Goatees may become to the early 21st Century what the Beatles were to the later part of the 20th Century.

      • Tanya said,

        Ha ha great Goatees, you must write a novel on them, I’ll be the first to buy 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ll do that. 😃

      • Tanya said,

        I’ll wait 👍

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Hi Tanya,

        I’ve been commenting on your past couple of blog posts but for some reason, my comments are not appearing..

        I’m not sure if the Akismet spam filters are being overzealous in their jobs or what.

      • Tanya said,

        Oh I’ve just checked my spam but not found any comment. I had this problem couple of weeks ago and I had to report it’s so darn frustrating. Some of your comments that are appearing I am commenting, actually I’m seeing your comments

      • Tanya said,

        I just replied to couple of your comments on my poems 😕

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks, Tanya.

        I noticed the comments and the replies have shown up now. ☺

      • Tanya said,

        I’m glad I had this problem couple of weeks I would read and post and it wouldn’t show… so ugly it was!

  3. velvetscreams said,

    This is a great read dracul

  4. David Redpath said,

    Chris, I am convinced that
    my ex mother-in-law was in
    fact Ammit herself. She was
    always weighing me up, and
    with crocodile tears, finding
    me wanting. At every family
    gathering she’d be asking if
    her hippopotamus rear end
    looked big in her latest new
    dress. The she’d go wild like
    a mountain cat when I’d
    answer with a yes.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      That must have been quite exciting having the demoness Ammit as a mother-in-law.

      You could probably write a Robbie Burns style poem like Tam o’ Shanter about your experiences.

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