The Day After: A Renfieldian Analysis
It was the day after the U.S. midterm elections.
As recently terminated U.S. Attorney-General Jeff Sessions asked his aide for directions to the nearest Unemployment line and Donald Trump began his campaign for Asshole of The Year Award among members of the White House Press Corps, Renfield R. Renfield shared his analysis of the U.S. midterms with his friend Amadeus Emanon.
“It appears Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was spot on in declaring the winners,” Renfield bit into a tuna fish sandwich.
“But it appears he was mistaken in his vision last Saturday about widespread violence at polling stations,” Amadeus bit into a peanut butter sandwich.
“Not necessarily,” Renfield belched, “I immediately relayed Michelangelo’s vision to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA as well as Peter Whitstable of Interpol. Whitstable took my personal brigade of British Army gurkas and staged two raids on shiploads of arms arriving in Florida. One was a shipload of arms that was intended for Antifa operatives sent to them by Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the other was a shipload of arms intended for white supremacists sent to them by Havana based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike. Dr. Faustus Imhotep sent DARPA contract assassins Pan Goatee and Panty Goatee to bump off suspected Antifa and Neo-Nazi provocateurs the evening before the U.S. midterm elections. As a result of this DARPA Night of The Long Cleavers and Long Machetes, the U.S. midterms voting went off without violence and undertakers in towns where Antifa operatives and Neo-Nazis lived picked up a little extra business this week.”
“Good to see you took action,” Amadeus remarked.
Suddenly a loud piercing scream came from outside.
“It sounds like our estate watch cat Nefertiti Galore has taken action against someone,” Renfield went running outside and was joined by Amadeus where they saw that the cat had scratched ten faces on a ten headed demon.
“Who is that demon?” Amadeus asked.
“Well if my photographic memory of illustrations in the Encyclopedia of Demons serves me correctly,” Renfield put on a pair of spectacles, “that’s Ravana the Rakshasa demon king of Lanka.”
“What could he possibly want on the Set estate?” Amadeus asked.
“Well the Boss,” Renfield was referring to the Estate’s owner the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and not Bruce Springsteen, “recently bought an original authentic statue of Sita who was Prince Rama’s bride that Ravana kidnapped millenia ago and so maybe Ravana wanted to steal it.”
After receiving catclaw scratches on his ten faces while in London, Ravana fled to Ravenna where he spent his days and nights studying the city’s Byzantine and Gothic architecture.
Happy Diwali to all my Indian friends. 😊
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 7th
2018.
Panty Goatee spent the night before U.S. midterm election day slitting the throats of Antifa operatives and Neo-Nazi white supremacists.
Dracul Van Helsing 
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 1:05 am
Thank goodness for Michelangelo
the psychic lobster.
By coincidence Chris, I had a Burmese cat by the name
of Nefertiti Kanpur (true).
She could gently jump up
onto your shoulders in one
leap, and happily sit there.
Or, if she didn’t like you, rip
your eyes out. I do miss her😭
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 1:15 am
That is a coincidence, David.
When I was thinking of a name for a cat owned by a billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire, the name Nefertiti jumped out at me.
Nefertiti Kanpur sounds like a splendid cat.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 1:20 am
A blue ribbon champion,
with many offspring.
I also had a psychic psycho
cat 🐱 named Eno. But that’s
another story.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 1:40 am
That does sound like an interesting story- Eno the psychic psycho cat.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 1:50 am
Well, Eno was once run over
by a Harley Davidson motorcycle,
clearly breaking her spine.
It was late at night 🌙 and
all we could do was make
her comfortable, expecting
her to be dead by the morning.
The next day she was up and
about like nothing had happened.
She would. dance💃 with the
evaporating spirits from a
glass of whiskey. And scratch
anyone who spoke of eating
cat … Chinese style.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 1:55 am
It was like the cat in Stephen King’s Pet Cemetery who came back from the dead.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 2:03 am
Yes …
But Eno smelt much nicer.
She too had many kittens,
and we kept a pure black one,
named Miso (not Japanese).
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 2:26 am
That Miso soup (the Japanese soup) is quite refreshing.
But chances are you dare not eat it around kitty Miso.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 2:55 am
Being a black cat, I was always
careful never to cross him.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 8:58 am
Eno, the psychic psycho cat
would also insist on sitting
on the lap of anyone smoking
the weed 🚬 getting a second
hand buzz on. She apparently
also a ‘Sniffer Cat’.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:11 pm
She would enjoy being in the Prime Minister’s Office on Parliament Hill in Ottawa then.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:18 pm
Thats sounds like a job for my
three Persian kitties, Nimrod,
Nebuchadnezzar, and the
Ayatollah Kumplaywithme.
The don’t take prisoners.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:54 pm
I think Justin would prefer pot inhaling kitties to fierce would be world conquerors.
Hence Juxtin’s antipathy for the Trump and his little big (?) horn even though this latter day Custer doesn’t quite cut the mustard.
Just some flimsy custard.
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:57 pm
I was totally dis custard!
David Redpath said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:59 pm
According to Stormy
it was hardly a last stand
at the Small Horn 🎷
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 9, 2018 at 3:42 pm
Or even a first one for that matter.
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 3:46 pm
When the Russian Probe
asks Trump to take the stand,
what will he raise?
Not his wee willy.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 9, 2018 at 9:26 pm
He’ll raise the main instrument of his sex life- his right hand.
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 11:03 pm
If the Russian Probe
keeps on proding,
someone’s going to get
a golden shower from Putin.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 10, 2018 at 1:16 am
Talk about saving one’s rubles for a rainy day.
Tanya said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:36 am
Lol it deftly portrays the mood here in US and you also brought in Ravana 10 headed monster from Lanka 😆ha ha
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:13 pm
Glad you enjoyed bringing in Ravana, Tanya. 😃
Tanya said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:35 pm
Indeed I did!
Tanya said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:56 am
I still can’t stop laughing Ravana screeched by Nefertiti Galore…what!!!!
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:17 pm
Yes, Nefertiti Galore is obviously one Hell of a Hellcat to be able to do that. 😂😅
Tanya said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:36 pm
Super-cat, loved it!
George F. said,
November 8, 2018 at 9:04 am
I want that cat!
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:19 pm
She’s definitely a good cat to have.
Silent Hour said,
November 8, 2018 at 11:19 am
I don’t know what’s funnier — the post or the dialogue that follows.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:21 pm
Such is talk in a cathouse.
Silent Hour said,
November 9, 2018 at 1:46 am
Meow!
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 5:15 am
Basilike, please don’t tell Chris
that I don’t actually have any
cats 🐱!
But I do have two dogs 🐕 Woof.
Silent Hour said,
November 9, 2018 at 9:29 am
Dogs are gods!
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 2:36 pm
Man’s best fiend
(besides a werewolf)
Silent Hour said,
November 10, 2018 at 2:57 am
Or a werefox wearing foxgloves and dancing the fox trot.
David Redpath said,
November 10, 2018 at 4:00 am
With a fanged lothario
dancing the Fandango.
Silent Hour said,
November 10, 2018 at 8:37 am
There was a woman who wanted to be famous for nothing. First she took part in a reality show called The Wall. Then she started to appear on morning TV shows and stupid magazines, telling her story of how she married a younger man and signed papers that gave him her money. He was gone after that and she roamed the media crying and crying and begging him to come back because she loved him. It was a laugh really, nothing seriously heartbreaking. And the funniest was that with all her crying, her last name was Vrochopoulou (Vrochi = Rain). Ha ha!
I don’t know if this Lothario knew how to dance the Fandango, but I’m sure he had fangs.
David Redpath said,
November 10, 2018 at 3:57 pm
Perhaps that reality TV
president can give her a job,
as an expert in Wall erecting.
Apparently he has trouble in
that department.
Silent Hour said,
November 11, 2018 at 7:42 am
I don’t know if she’d be good at erecting. But maybe she could try bringing down.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 9, 2018 at 2:45 pm
You were b.s.ing about the cats, David? 😲
I’m going to send my invisible cat Wrath of Khan Can who’s always dancing to the Infernal Galop from Offenbacb’s Orpheus In The Underworld to astral project to Australia and claw and scratch your manhood off. 😈
Then you can enter Australian politics as the Donald Trump of Austalia.
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 2:55 pm
Just the Persian cat’s Chris.
Sadly, Eno, Miso, and Nefertiti,
have all gone to that great
scratching post in the sky.
I’ve been too bereft to adopt
another kitty since. When people
offer me a little pussy, out of
sympathy I’m sure, I simply
tell them that my broken heart
is not up to it.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 9, 2018 at 3:39 pm
Oh, I knew you were b.s. ing about the Persian kitties judging from their names but I thought you were b.s.ing about Nefertiti, Eno and Miso as well.
As a cat person myself (even though I never owned one as a child since my mother was allergic to them) and haven’t owned one in my adulthood since as a starving writer and artist, I’ve never had the proper financial resources to care for one, I was quite taken by the pathos expressed in your mourning for poor Nefertiti.
Then when I thought it was all an act (worthy of the actor weeping for Hecuuba in the play within a play in Shakespeare’s Hamlet), I immediately went into my Raymond Red Reddington (from TV’s The Blacklist) revenge mode.
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 3:44 pm
No Problemo, Chris 😁.
My mother was a cat woman.
She made sure all her children
had a cat or two, so technically
she could deny actually owning
one. Nobody was fooled.
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 3:54 pm
I do currently have two dogs,
Rufus the Ruthless, and Spike
the Impaler. Miniature toy cavoodles,
the size of an undernourished
cat, so they seem to fill that
feline void in my life. I was
actually given this pair.
Being a cat person, I wouldnt
go out and buy a dog, but I
do believe the pet chooses you.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 9, 2018 at 9:28 pm
Rufus the Ruthless and Spike the Impaler.
I like those names. 😆
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 11:00 pm
Their bit is far worse
than their bark! 🐶
David Redpath said,
November 9, 2018 at 11:17 pm
An Urgent F.Y.I, Chris!
Wrath of Khan Can just now
materialised in front of me.
I got such a shock I coughed
up a rather large fur ball.
With a hiss, the Wrathful one
said that I must really like cats,
and that he’d been sent on
a wild goose, cat and mouse,
fools errand, and that he was
returning posthaste to have
words with the one who sent
him. He mumbled something
about burying someone in his
underworld kitty litter tray
and promptly vanished?
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 10, 2018 at 1:40 am
I was wondering why when I got home, Wrath of Khan Can was lying on the floor with a whole bunch of cactus needles in his paws and meowing that if he wasn’t so high, he’d be in such terrible pain right now.
Justin Trudeau asked me to look after his genetically created pot smoking cactus plant this weekend as he’s going skiing in the Rockies at Lake Louise.
So he dropped Strawberry Fields Forever off at the house before heading west on the Trans Canada Highway to Banff National Park.
Since Wrath of Khan Can wasn’t home at the time I read what sounded like a confession of deliberate deception by one catless Australian poet, I asked Strawberry Fields Forever to relay the message to him as I headed out to my favourite downtown Calgary pub.
So with Wrath of Khan Can higher than a kite when I got home, he didn’t meow in great Hellish pain as the ghost of the late great veterinarian Doctor Dolittle (released from the realm of Hades for this occasion) used Hephaestus’ fiery prongs to remove Strawberry Fields Forever’s cactus needles from his paws.
Wrath of Khan Can after his encounter with Strawberry Fields Forever is now resting in an octopus’ garden in the shade.
David Redpath said,
November 10, 2018 at 2:06 am
Chris, what’s the changes you
could take a small cutting ✂
from Strawberry Fields for me?
I’m sure Justin wouldn’t mind.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 10, 2018 at 2:17 am
No, I don’t think Justin will mind.
Hyperion said,
November 8, 2018 at 3:50 pm
Waaa haaa haaaa! Great stuff my friend. I made the mistake of looking at the picture of Panty Goatee and noticed her panties were black fishnet stockings. After that it was difficult to read. But, knowing it would be a bawdy tale of daring accomplishment, I did persist and consequently laughed my rump bump off. Everyone has figured out that no matter who controls the government, all you need is a crooked federal judge to rule against every law enacted and every executive order signed for ludicrously incoherent and illogical reasons. And here in the states, crooked federal judges are a dime a dozen. The only reason the Themtoo movement hasn’t removed them all from office is a crooked federal judge up on charges of buggering 8000 pedo-padres in the Catlicker Church ruled that the Themtoo movement was a trademark infringement on the Metoo movement and declared it illegal to assemble. I have no idea what this means but it happened. 🧛🏻♂️
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 4:17 pm
The United States of America is about to boldly go where the 5th Century AD Western Roman Empire has boldly fallen before.
Hyperion said,
November 8, 2018 at 5:42 pm
Sadly, long after the reign of paralysis and inequity has passed into chaos and anarchy, no one will notice and the regression to the fith sacking of Rome will go quietly by as the GOO passes the time playing his fiddle under the Stormy Daniels memorial peach tree.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 7:37 pm
As the tune to Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler On The Roof is played by the fiddler by the tree.
Hyperion said,
November 8, 2018 at 8:01 pm
And curtain close, exit stage left.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 8, 2018 at 8:14 pm
🙈🙉🙊
David Redpath said,
November 10, 2018 at 3:59 am
With a fanged lothario
dancing the Fandango.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 25, 2018 at 7:55 pm
And as Don Quixote charges at a windmill and misses and stabs the fanged Lothario in the heart with his lance, Lothario’s last words while dancing the Fandago are to Ariana Grande as she passes by on the run from both Zeus and Bill Clinton , “Save the last dance for me…” before he collapses into dust of dust and ashes of ashes.
David Redpath said,
November 25, 2018 at 8:53 pm
So poor Ariana had to get
her short short short dress
three times dry cleaned.
Lothario’s ashes and dust
that blew up her skirt.
Extensive singeing from
a scorching Zeus lightening
bolt, prematurely released
as she was singing.
And the Bill discharge also
known as a Clinton corsage.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 25, 2018 at 9:28 pm
Yes, Guns ‘N Roses were going off all over the place while the mighty Thor looks for an Axl to grind.
David Redpath said,
November 25, 2018 at 9:29 pm
Axl was off with Mr. Brownstone
. . . again.
The Controversial Indian said,
November 25, 2018 at 6:12 am
A late Diwali wish- from Sita’s Homeland😆😆
Dracul Van Helsing said,
November 25, 2018 at 7:57 pm
Thank you very much. 😊😊
I hope you had a wonderful Diwali. 😃