“Release The Kraken!” – Zeus’ Final Command

November 13, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

As Ares the Greek god of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war sat around drinking Quetzalcoatl tequila shots (with giant worms in them) and wondering how to start the next global world war, the Norse trickster god Loki came along selling NRA memberships, Donald Trump Is The New Messiah t-shirts and also Nancy Pelosi For Speaker of The House buttons (as a trickster, he had all bases covered).

As soon as he found out the causes of their glumness and their sobriety challenged condition, he suggested they get Zeus to “Release the Kraken!”.

That should start a world war.

“How can we get Zeus to release the Kraken?” Morrigan giggled as she fantasized about making out with James Spader as Raymond Red Reddington and making out with him on a king sized waterbed under a painted ceiling mural of the sinking of the Titanic.

“I happen to know the horny Olympian who likes to carry lightning bolts in his pockets wants to make out with singer Ariana Grande,” Loki had hacked into Zeus’ internet search images on his Mount Olympus iCloud, “so promise him a fling with Ariana Grande if he releases the Kraken.”

One of the many images of singer Ariana Grande that the Greek Olympian god Zeus has on his Mount Olympus iCloud.

The trio thought this was a good idea.

Ares went to see Zeus with the proposal.

Zeus (making sure he was out of earshot of Hera) agreed.

He sent Hermes and Dionysus to go release the Kraken.

Zeus’ kraken named Scion of Apollyon was being kept at a secure aquarium facility (designed and engineered by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) at the Set Enterprises laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames River in London.

Hermes in a Haida canoe and Dionysus in an Inuit kayak went rowing down the Thames River singing, “Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily mare, life is but a dream…”

Both had spent the previous evening heavily imbibing Dionysus’ homemade bootleg fermented nectar.

As they reached Canary Wharf, Hermes got easily out of his canoe and stepped on to the pier.

Dionysus, who was not only short and bald and heavily bearded but also extremely pudgy and overweight (rumour had it that he was the biological father of numerous Calgary white women after he had evening serenaded drunken walruses along the Bow and Elbow Rivers), had a great deal more difficulty trying to maneuver his way out of the closed compartment cover of his kayak.

In fact the short, bald, heavily bearded, pudgy and overweight deity became hopelessly stuck.

As he blew his antique 19th Century Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Lestrade personally autographed Police Call Help whistle to summon lovely water nymphs from the Thames River to come rescue him, the ghost of Friedrich Nietzsche (whom Hades had recently granted a dispensational furlough to) stood on the pier and repeated the last words he had spoken on his deathbed, “It’s Dionysus vs. Christ. Don’t you understand?”.

As the Thames River lovely water nymphs used chainsaws to cut the kayak open to get the vastly overweight Dionysus out, the ghost of Wild West sheriff Wild Bill Hickok who had been an avid gambler and poker player in his earthly life (and had also been granted a dispensational furlough by Hades to briefly leave the Underworld realm), remarked to Nietzsche, “I think I’d put my money on Christ.”

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re so much better looking than the fat cow walruses along the Bow River in Calgary?” Dionysus told the lovely Thames River water nymphs as they carried him on to the pier.

Julius the genetically created hybrid T-Rex giraffe with the body and neck of a giraffe and the head of a T-Rex who served as the Set Enterprises guard watch dog had once again got his head stuck in the window trying to peer into Sherrielock Holmes’ Set Enterprises office to stare at her leather micro mini skirted and black silk fishnet pantyhose clad legs and so was unable to stop the two intruder Greek deities.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was about to raise the alarm in his own glass aquarium about two intruding Greek deities in the building when peering through the enormous hole in the adjacent wall caused by Julius the hybrid T-Rex giraffe trying to get his head out of his predicament, the lobster happened to catch a glimpse of Sherrielock Holmes in her mini skirt and pantyhose.

Michelangelo’s lobster tank exploded and both water and lobster wound up on the lab floor.

As both Set Enterprises’ maintenance and security arrived on the scene for a mop up operation, the two Greek deities went to the lab where Zeus’ kraken Scion of Apollyon was located.

They released the Kraken as Zeus’ voice thundered through on Hermes’ Huawei smart phone, “Release the Kraken!”.

The Kraken escaped and promptly divided into 2 krakens.

One headed in the direction of Baltimore, Maryland where the U.S. Catholic Bishops were holding a conference.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops had just caved in to Pope Francis’ Josef Stalinesque directive that the topic of priestly and clerical sex abuse must not be on the agenda at their meeting.

The other kraken headed in the direction of the Gaza Strip on the eastern Mediterranean as the possibility of war between Israel and Hamas loomed.

Donald Trump in the meantime had just issued a Twitter tweet that the world was a “lot safer and more secure” with him as President of the United States.

A sure sign that doom was on its way.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 13th


  1. George F. said,

    OMG! Every since Grande sang at the Aretha Franklin Eulogy, everyone has been wanting to make out with her! Bill Clinton thinks he can make her the next Monica Lewinsky! Once again, Dracul, your satire covers all basis and leave me in stitches! LOL! You crack me up!

  2. Hyperion said,

    LMAO, ๐Ÿ˜‚. I could actually picture all these events taking place. Ariana does seem to be a sweetheart. I watched her put on a concert with guest singer Miley Cyrus and Ariana clearly didnโ€™t know what to do with Miley. I think she was worried a Twerk contest would break loose.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I imagine Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Jesse Jackson and Bishop Charles H. Ellis III were all twerking away on their smart phones. ๐Ÿ˜†

      • Hyperion said,

        I now have a mental image that I canโ€™t shake out of my head. ๐Ÿ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As the late great Rod Serling would have said, “You have now entered the Twilight Zone.”

      • Hyperion said,

        I think I never left the Twilight Zone once Rod took me through the door.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And you got deeper and deeper into the Twilight Zone with each passing year of your life to the point that in the year 2018, Donald Trump would be President of the United States and the Hillarybeast would be talking abou running for President for a third time having been previously defeated by both Barack O’ Bummer and the GOO on her previous two tries.

      • Hyperion said,

        Oh dear Heavens! I do hope the Hillarybeast in 2020 is not one of Michelangeloโ€™s visions. The poor lobster could go blind and turn to stone staring at an image of the Gorgon Queen. ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I did reply to your comment, Daniel, but unfortunately the vast Jewish lesbian left wing conspiracy who have the WordPress gremlins under their Wiccan mind control put my response way down in a newly created Point. 4 on this page.

      • Hyperion said,

        WordPress is possessed. There can be no doubt of that. You and George may be interested in an interesting sign I saw at a large complex owned by a defense contractor. It was a parking slot reservation sign up fromt that read, โ€œDARPA Gremlins.โ€ Apparently DARPA has gone too far and itโ€™s possible a few of those DARPA gremlins escaped into WordPress.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Undoubtedly, Daniel.

        What did you think of Brother Nathaniel’s prophecy I posted in response to you that inadvertently showed up two comment spaces down below due to the influence of the escaped DARPA gremlins and their lox cream and bagel eating mistresses that fly around on broomsticks and visit muscular women’s health spas to work out?

        I notice you haven’t responded to it.

        Unless of course Hillary and her muscle bound weightlifting yarmulke wearing motorbike broomstick riding leather butch bitches have bumped you off leaving you unable to respond unless Hades grants you dispensational leave from Purgatory in the underworld to return as a ghost?

      • Hyperion said,

        I did find and answer Brother Nathanielโ€™s prophecy you spoke of. My dispensational leave is short but currently granted.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Glad to hear it. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        My response to you is way down below the series of comments that Tanya and I exchanged with one another.

      • Hyperion said,

        Found it! ๐Ÿ˜Š

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  3. Tanya said,

    This is an interesting read, Ariana Grande is surely a fine looking woman !!

  4. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    No, I got this information from a YouTube video posted by Brother Nathaniel a Jewish convert to Russian Orthodoxy who became a Russian Orthodox monk and comments regularly on the degeneracy to be found in American politics and culture (he seems to have no shortage of material for some reason).

    Apparently Hillary with the backing of the lesbian President of the American Federation of Teachers along with her lesbian spouse (who’s a lesbian woman rabbi) is planning to reinvent herself under the label Hillary 4.0 and run as a candidate to the left of both Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (which would of course make her a Stalinist but most of the media and electorate would no doubt be too historically inept to realize it).

    • Hyperion said,

      And thus the prophecy of Revelations is begun anew as the Ho of Babylon rises to her nebulous fortunes underpinned by Belzebubโ€™s lust and the guardianship of Baphomet.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very much so.

        Beelzebub and Baphomet return with the Phantom Menace.๐Ÿ˜ฒ

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaa haaaa haaaaaa! Absolutly and positootly. The phantom menace indeed. Iโ€™ll vote for Bernie next time. If he gets me a lot of freebies, Iโ€™ll be happy. Time to cut the cheese BroomHillary. ๐Ÿง€๐Ÿ’จ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Cutting the cheese of BroomHillary will be a bigger explosion than the destruction of the Death Star by Luke Skywalker.

      • Hyperion said,

        The acrid smell of burning sulfur accompanied by the withering sound like an angry elephant stomping a duck will surely be the event to go into the anus of history as The BroomHillary Cheese Cutting Affair. BRAP! Scuse me, scuse me.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Near where the BroomHillary Cheese was cut was a parking space that said Reserved For DARPA Gremlins.

      • Hyperion said,

        And their little faces are strained with a green glowing vapor rising behind them.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Once in a blue moon, the green cheese is finally cut. ๐Ÿ˜จ

      • Hyperion said,

        And it raises a stink if not the Kraken

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It definitely raises a stink as well as the Kraken.

        Say, did you ever read my post-Kraken raising post The Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria In London, Daniel?

        I noticed you haven’t commented on it yet.

        It’s definitely a blog post that would be right up your alley. ๐Ÿ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        I do hope to find your Dragon Warrioress post very soon. I fell asleep before finishing my daily blog reading assignment. If I muss a minute I have ten more blogs in my reading list. I never catch up and ot does distress me because I miss a lot of good reading.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Not to mention all the profits it brings to Sherry on her Magic Mushroom Cleaner sales. ๐Ÿ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        Sherry needs to patent her Magic Mushroom Cleaner. Tiger mom is already asking for the recipe.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Bwahahahahaha ! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

      • Hyperion said,

        Alexandra’s Dark side is revealed. New chapter up

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Hopefully I’ll be able to get to it in the next 24 hours.

        I’m falling behind because I don’t have an operational iPhone to check out the Net- just a tablet.

        Your package and battery charger cord still haven’t arrived yet because all the Canada Post postal workers are on strike because the assholes want more money since Canada Post has been given sole jurisdiction over delivering pot through the mail since pot smoking Justin Truedope’s pot legalization and the greedy bastards want in on all the drug dealer’s profits.

        It reminds me of something Ronald Reagan once said, “Liberals want to get rid of crime by having the government nationalize the industry.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Oh dang. I should check up on it. Ronnie was right. RIP.

  5. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Indeed, he was. RIP.

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