Asmodeus’ Advice To Loki

November 16, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Norse trickster god Loki had been told by Ares the Greek god of war that Zeus was now expecting a night of lovemaking with Ariana Grande as part of a deal for releasing the Kraken.

Loki went about making arrangements for this and discovered to his horror that Ariana Grande was being protected by Saint Raphael the Archangel.

The demon Asmodeus had told Loki over cigarettes and Irish Coffee that Raphael was one tough cookie.

That centuries ago, after Asmodeus had been causing problems for a young Hebrew maiden named Sarah, Raphael had captured Asmodeus in Upper Egypt and bound him.

It was an experience that Asmodeus wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy the cigarette smoking demon said as an exorcist walked through the door.

Asmodeus picked up his hat and coat, thanked Loki for a lovely evening and left sticking the Norse trickster god with paying the bill.

Loki decided he better not risk taking the horny Greek Olympian god Zeus to Ariana’s place if Raphael was around.

Instead Loki contacted Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal (who was a friend of the bar tab evading Asmodeus) and asked what he should do.

Allatallahbel suggested getting Zeus drunk on shots of tequila and then bring him around to her apartment in the Vatican to make out with her Allatallahbel.

She’d tell him that she was Ariana Grande.

So one fine November night, Loki got Zeus loaded on shots of tequila in a Rome taverna.

With Zeus three sheets to the wind and a huge windstorm pounding the Eternal City, Loki led the Olympian to Allatallahbel’s apartment in the Vatican.

Zeus entered her bedroom and noticed Allatallahbel lying face down one sheet to the wind as the window was open.

“My what lovely tattos you have, my dear,” Zeus drooled like Cerberus after a night on the town.

“The better to impress Bill Clinton and Jessie Jackson with, my dear,” Allatallahbel replied.

Soon Zeus and Allatallahbel were making out.

Pope Francis walked into the room.

“Jesus Christ!” said the pontiff.

“Not quite,” Zeus replied, “The name is Zeus. Jupiter Zeus.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 16th


  1. David Redpath said,

    “Is that a lightening bolt in
    your toga, Zeus, or you
    just glad to see me?”
    ~ Allatallahbel

    A Kraken good story, Chris.

  2. Elรฉusia Sydney said,

    I love your writing, it’s so different and interesting…

  3. yassy said,


  4. Hyperion said,

    This story just made my day. It was Dracul at his very best vampire story telling. Every line a gem of wit worth a screen obliterating laugh. But, my idle hands of nebulous intent became quite furiously occupied when I veiwed the picture of my newest favorite vampiress. She was perfectly poised and I heard myself say, โ€œno need to get up, my dear. Stay like that and Iโ€™ll join you momentarily.โ€ I am deeply appreciative of such a masterpiece of feminine art. The pleasure she gives is simply not of this world. Heavens to Mergatroy, I suddenly seem to have gone blind. Naturally, Iโ€™d go blind before getting a chance to shave my palm. Darn it!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, Daniel. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

      So Allatallahbel has made you blind and given you hairy palms.

      You now have all the qualifications necessary to be the GOO’s next Secretary of Defense.

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaa haaaa haaaaaa! I don’t know if I’m incompetent enough to serve in the GOO’s administration. I’m going to have to grab a few kittie Kats to pass the qualification test.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And Tiger Mom’s reaction will send your remaining bones in for medical tests.

      • Hyperion said,

        or she will sell my bones to a soap factory for ten bucks.

  5. George F. said,

    She’s not Ariana, but she’ll do…she’ll do. Cultural wit at its best, Dracul! At it’s best!

  6. velvetscreams said,

    You seem to fancy ariana๐Ÿ˜….anyways,i enjoyed this …great!

  7. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Thank you, Velvet. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

    Yes, I guess I must fancy Ariana. ๐Ÿ˜‚

  8. Tanya said,

    Lol he he this is just hilarious and so amusing, man you surely like Ariana Grande! I loved the references to Greek gods here, horny Zeus and Ariana grande but since she is protect by Raphael who is tough cookies another woman will do! Oh god Pope Francis enters!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad you enjoyed the comedy and humour in this chapter, Tanya. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

      That was definitely the effect I was looking for on my readers in this chapter. ๐Ÿ˜Š

      • Tanya said,

        Its really a fantastic chapter, itโ€™s a hit with me๐Ÿ‘

  9. Julia Southwick said,

    This made me laugh so hard that it actually hurt. I raise my glass to you (and your hilariously spot-on associations). Bravo. That was absolutely delicious. More, please.

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