Russia’s GRU Chief Dead- Who Is Responsible?

November 22, 2018 at 11:14 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Science, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump was being briefed by the CIA while sitting in his briefs (and looking at photos of Shakira for nobody had bothered telling the Twitterer-In-Chief that she was in fact Colombian) on the death of Russia’s GRU (Military Intelligence Directorate) head Colonel General Igor Korobov.

“So he died from a long illness?” Trump asked.

“Well so the Russian media would have us believe,” said CIA agent and cyborg operative George Akirason as he cleared his throat of both phlegm and nanites, “but in fact Korobov only started feeling unwell back in mid-September after having received a severe reprimand from President Vladimir Putin.”

“And what brought about this reprimand?” Trump asked as he combed both seaweed and Black Sea caviar out of his toupee.

“Because Putin got what he thought was a welcome (but she turned out to be unwelcome) visitor in his bedroom one night,” George Akirason coughed a mixture of both phlegm and nanites into his Stormy Daniels photo emblazoned handkerchief, “a sensuous and lovely Kazakh Dragon Sister but she had a poison ivy laced dildo with her which she proceeded to shove up the Russian leader’s anus. She then stapled a note to Putin’s phallus which had on it a message that said, “You’ll never guess what’s going to happen next.” And the message was signed “R.R.R.” The GRU then conducted raids on the Kazakh Dragon Sister’s Moscow apartment but she had fled back to unknown locales in Kazakhstan. Howver the apartment contained several autographed posters of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”

“Renfield R. Renfield?” The hair in Trump’s toupee stood on end 😨, “That man gives me nightmares for some reason.”

. . .

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was receiving a briefing from a leather skirted female dominatrix Malaysian agent for the German Federal Intelligence Service.

Chancellor Merkel was astounded by how much the woman looked like world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

The woman whose secret agent code name was Magic Mushrooms and Killer Tomatoes spoke, “Contrary to what the media is saying, Colonel General Igor Korobov did not die from his illness. He was found face down in his bathroom with both his pants and Rasputin photo emblazoned boxer shorts pulled down and a 20 pound giant banana (with the words THE MAPLE LEAF AND CANNABIS PLANT FOREVER written on it) shoved up his behind. The trauma of the impact was what killed him. A well known Kazakh Dragon Sister assassin was seen leaving his place.”

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking brandy and smoking cigars with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.

“Well,” Renfield raised his glass in a toast, “another successful operation planned by the once and future Prime Ministers of Great Britain. And executed by our beloved Kazakh Dragon Sister secret operative.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 22nd

A Kazakh Dragon Sister with a love for all things British.


  1. George F. said,

    O…M…hysterical…G…coughing phlegm and nanites…shoving large dildoes up someone’s anus…Dracul, you know no limits…which makes your satire all the more real and keep me laughing for hours. I may use that poison ivy laced dildo…kinda goes along nicely with my penis flask…speaking of which, drop by my post, just up. Soliciting comments. Love this! This time, I forced myself to stop staring at the photo and READ your blog first…but it was hard…so hard…

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I imagine it was quite hard.

      Reminds me of that scene in The Pink Panther Strikes Again when the lovely Lesley-Anne Down crawls into Inspector Clouseau’s (Peter Sellers’) bed wearing a sexy low-cut nightgown and Clouseau is boasting about his service in the French Resistance.

      And Down’s character asks him, “And was it hard in the Resistance?”.

      To which Clouseau replies, “Yes but not as hard as it is now.”

  2. Fiery said,

    Sometimes I think the world would be far more interesting if it were the way it is in your head! ❤️

  3. David Redpath said,

    I must report, Dracul, that this
    communique caused an
    occurrence of cosmic
    cryptomnesia (commonly
    known of déjà vu). Something
    about being attacked by killer
    tomatoes took me flashing
    back like a movie sequel. But this time it was magic
    mushrooms eating France?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster reports having visions of Emmanuel Macron being eaten by magic mushrooms while he was out in the forest looking for cougars.

      • David Redpath said,

        A fitting revenge for what
        I heard Emmanuel had for
        lunch. A Tempura Lobster Tail
        Burger with white truffle and
        camembert sauce on a gold
        dusted squid-ink brioche bun!
        Apparently, from a distance,
        it looked like he was eating
        a Golden Top magic mushroom,
        so it was self defense.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Emmanuel Macron was a dish like revenge that was best served cold as far as the magic mushrooms were concerned.

  4. velvetscreams said,

    This was really an interesting piece to read

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