Renfield: Taking Care of Business In Every Way

November 23, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had received a phone call from Dr. Cadbury Rocher at Set Enterprises.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had picked up a TV news broadcast from the future on his lobster antennae and Michelangelo had typed with his lobster claws on the keyboard of his waterproof laptop that the vision was meant for Renfield’s eyes only.

So Renfield caught a trolley bus that drove quite close to the Set Enterprises laboratory and rug emporium (The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita and sold Persian rugs together- putting Set on Donald Trump’s business black list).

The trolley bus headed down a single lane one way street that was meant for trolley buses only.

There was a vehicle trap at the front of the street that trapped any vehicle other than trolley buses from going down that street.

However there were plenty of flashing red lights and traffic signs that warned other vehicles of the vehicle trap ahead.

However there was always the occasional idiot who totally ignored all the flashing lights and traffic signs and wound up with their vehicle caught in the trap preventing the bus from getting through.

This was one of those days.

“I can’t believe that bitch did that!” The bus driver shouted.

Other people on the bus now complained about being late for important appointments thanks to the inherent stupidity of the said bitch.

Renfield seethed as he got off the bus.

There was only one thing to do about such stupid people.

And that was to eliminate them from the face of the earth.

The airheaded bitch was on her mobile calling for a tow truck to pull her vehicle out of the trap.

It was rather unfortunate for the said airhead that she wasn’t very good looking.

Otherwise Renfield might have shown some pity.

As it was, Renfield reached into his raincoat pocket, pulled out his gun and fired 7 bullets point blank at her.

The woman immediately fell to the ground quite dead as the operator on the other end of the line asked her for her Auto Club Membership #.

But the woman had expired before her membership did.

Renfield being a member of MI-5, MI-6, British Home Office and Her Majesty’s Secret Service had a licence to kill like James Bond 007 (in fact his secret agent code number was 0069).

Renfield received a standing ovation and thunderous applause from the other passengers on the bus for his actions.

Renfield looked at his watch and decided he’d better walk from here to Set Enterprises.

As Renfield walked down the street, he sang his own paraphrased version of an early 1980s Air Supply Song,

There’s one less stupid person in the world
And it’s gonna be fine
Out of all the stupid people in the world
You’re now dead and gone
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there’s one less stupid person in the world tonight…

“It’s too bad Donald Trump hadn’t been the one to have driven that vehicle into the trap,” the trolley bus driver remarked.

“Too bad indeed,” British Prime Minister Theresa May agreed.

Mrs. May vowed never to take public transit again.

She was now going to be at least half an hour late for an important meeting to save her Brexit deal.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 23rd


  1. Hyperion said,

    This was another brilliant chapter. I laughed my ass off and then couldn’t stop laughing long enough to velcro my ass back on. The geo-political satire here has no peers. I managed to catch my breath long enough to snort laugh my way through the object of Renfield’s ire expiring before the autoclub membership. I’d write much more about my enjoyment here but I feel a draft and must get this pesky ill fitting ass stuck back on.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      LOL ! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜…

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Daniel. πŸ˜ƒ

      This was the kind of rip roaring, rip snorting, laughing one’s ass off kind of laughter I was hoping to inspire in my readers.


      • Hyperion said,

        You win my friend! My visits here are always the highlight of my day. P.S. ordered another charger and cord and will try again. I’m sure The GOO and Trudope are interfering to stop the Dragon and Vampire from uniting.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I fear you may be right, my friend.

        I think the City of Calgary and the Calgary Chamber of Commerce are in on the GOO-Truedope plot too.

        No doubt ticked off by the fact that my vampire novel chapters starring Pan Goatee have driven off Neo-Nazi, Ku Klux Klansmen and other white supremacist tourists from the City by pointing out how repulsively and mind bogglingly ugly the vast majority of white women in the city are.

        After a fierce snowstorm and blizzard yesterday, the City of Calgary deliberately did not sand or salt the streets in the neighbourhood where I live and as I was crossing at an intersection this afternoon on my way back from the nearest shopping center I slipped on the huge build-up of ice on the road and injured my lower back.

        Maybe a good lawsuit will satisfy their problem with me.

        Especially since my chapters may have prevented lawsuits from families of tourists who might have turned to stone as a result of seeing the city’s fat ugly blimps and thin ugly anorexic skeletons.

      • Hyperion said,

        Egads! Those bumper thumpers on icy roads are real killers. I do hope you you are only a bit bruised and not cracked. Speaking of cracked, to teach Calgary a lesson you should stick your bare behind out the window as cold therapy and later claim emotional trauma due to exposure. Since they negligently failed to protect you nor pay you enough for proper care, you were forced to air out your injuries in public. When the judge wants to see evidence of the damaged property, you can moon him or her under the guise of showing the insult to your bum as a result of your fall. Eat plenty of Sherry’s magic mushroom soup and upon demonstrating your injuries, you can quote the rock band Moody Blues and casually announce, breathe deep the impending gloom and at that point produce that famous trumpeting elephant sound and thus prove once and for all that you always try to conduct your business within the confines of the court and not out on the street as you were forced to do. That would make for one heck of a Vampire novel chapter.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed it would. πŸ„πŸ‘πŸ’πŸ₯βš‘πŸŒπŸŒ€πŸŒ‹πŸŒŠπŸŒŒπŸŒ•πŸŽ‘

      • Hyperion said,

        The judge will see it your way, no doubt.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As he bangs his gavel on the gravel road where he was blown 500 miles away. πŸ˜₯😨

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaa haaaa haaaaa! And when he looks up from his face down position he see’s some red stilettos fixed to some shapely legs adorned in fishnet stockings. To late to run. It’s Sherrielock Holmes and she’s got a gleam in her eyes. It’s time to burn some buns, naughty boy, she says.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Trump considers hiring Sherrielock Holmes to visit judges on the U.S. 9th Circuit.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’m sure Sherrielock Holmes could succeed where the GOO could not.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And since no one can sit in the courtroom until the judge sits down, all the court cases will be conducted with everyone standing. πŸ‘πŸ…

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaa haaa haaaa! That might make for speedier trials if everyone has to stand!

  2. David Redpath said,

    “🎢 Love and other bruises
    The E U makes us all big losers
    Theresa is trying oh so hard
    with Gibraltar in Spain’s front yard 🎢”

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      And those Paisley boys and girls
      playing their orange flutes
      as King Billy boiled
      threaten to pull the rug out from under Theresa’s feet
      wondering if those EU green fields in the south look so neat.

      • David Redpath said,

        Theresa May should beware
        of Boris Johnson bearing
        a persian rug, from Set
        Enterprises laboratory and rug emporium, for her to
        stand upon.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, the rug would definitely be pulled out from under her feet then.

        And if the rug was made from a Russian bear, it might really hit the wrong nerve and bring her down along with her plate of Salisbury steak.

        As Putin novi-chuckles galore.

      • David Redpath said,

        If Theresa was a Ukrainian
        fishing boat, she’d be at the
        bottom of a Crimean harbour
        by now.

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