Renfield’s Analysis of China’s Rise and America’s Decline While Pan Goatee Slays More Repulsively Ugly Women

December 14, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Apple CEO Tim Cook was in a coma after having eaten a poisoned apple delivered to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh as an early Christmas present sent by the Chinese government.

Apple Ltd. had sent for the Prince at Disneyland’s Snow White exhibit to come and kiss the gay Apple CEO on the lips in hopes that this would rouse him from his poisoned apple induced sleep.

However thanks to frothing at the mouth foaming and raving feminist blowhards, a Prince was no longer part of the Disneyland Snow White exhibit since being kissed on the lips by a man was obviously a denial of her female empowerment.

Just like the Seven Dwarves were no longer called the Seven Dwarves (since such a term was insultingly offensive to vertically challenged people in these politically correct times).

They were now called the Seven Stewards of The Forest (to show Disneyland was in tune with the environmentalist agenda).

So Tim Cook had been hoisted by his own petard- the ideology of political correctness that he and his fellow high-tech global conglomerate CEOs sought to inflict on the world.

Renfield had returned to Britain.

He was due to give an interview in person to BBC television.

But once again the London trolley bus he was riding was stuck behind some stupid motorist who had ignored all the flashing lights, warning and stop signs and had become embedded in a motor vehicle trap on the single lane one way street that was meant for buses only.

By chance someone had a plastic container jug of petrol (that’s gasoline for all you Americans out there) on the bus and a woman happened to have a cigarette lighter so Renfield used both items to pull a Raymond Red Reddington (a la Blacklist) and poured gasoline all over the head of the bozo motorist and his equally bozo passengers and then set fire to the empty minded bodily appendanges all the while singing “Burn, baby, burn, disco inferno” from Saturday Night Fever.

He finally reached BBC studios.

He was asked to respond to Canadian media commentators who were saying that China would probably release the two detained Canadians detained by China on “charges of spying” that occurred right after the arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou in Vancouver British Columbia at the behest of the U.S. government.

“Canadian media commentators have no clue as to what they’re talking about,” was Renfield’s response.

“But they point out that Chinese government officials have not linked the sudden detention of the two Canadians to Miss Meng’s arrest which gives one hope that they’ll be released,” said the BBC interviewer.

“The reason why Chinese officials have not publicly linked the arrest of the two Canadians to Miss Meng’s arrest is because unlike most politicians and government officials in the Western world, the Chinese actually have brains,” Renfield remarked as he used chopsticks to eat his tuna fish sandwiches, “they do not have a Donald Trump who moronically tweets state intelligence, defense and foreign policy secrets in his public Twitter account 24 hours a day. Nor do they have an Emmanuel Macron who is the 8th intellectual dwarf of the modern world (or the 8th intellectual steward of the forest as Disneyland and the IQ challenged administrators of the Calgary Zoo Winter Wonderland Snow White Themed Fairy Tale For 2018 Exhibit might put it). Or a Theresa May who has managed to turn a Brexit deal into the worst of all possible worlds for both British EU inners and outters alike and the total awestruck speechlessness of the ghosts of both Leibniz and Voltaire.”

“But U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo today stood shoulder to shoulder with Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland and demanded the release of the two Canadian detainees or else,” the BBC interviewer quipped.

“And I’m sure China’s supreme leader Xi Jinping is really quaking in his Ming Dynasty glass slippers at that earthshaking pronouncement,” Renfield opened his fortune cookie which bore the fortune, GREAT DEALS ON REDECORATING 10 DOWNING STREET WHEN YOU MOVE IN, “America is a country on its way down. That’s why they elected as President Donald Trump a man who has all the characteristics of the insane Roman Emperor Caligula. And the candidate who ran against him was one Hillary Clinton a woman who has all the characteristics of the violin playing Emperor Nero’s mommie dearest Agrippina Minor with all her shrewishness and inherent insanity thereof. America is on the way down. China is a country on the way up. As the ghost of the Emperor Napoleon I Bonaparte said to me the other day as I was polishing an apple, “The sleeping dragon has awakened.”

. . .

Pan Goatee immediately cut off the head of the ugly looking female high school student as she boarded the transit bus.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Pan Goatee shouted in an obvious plagiarism of a militant Islamist terrorist’s phrase.

Later when he walked to a McDonald’s restaurant to buy their $1 coffee special (while the Church Advent fasting season was still on), he encountered a fat ugly blimp female high school student with her father.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Goatee once again plagiarized the militant Islamist terrorist’s favourite phrase as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

“Death to morons who fuck fat ugly blimps and produce similar looking female progeny,” Goatee beheaded the Badyear Blimp’s father.

After drinking coffee at McDonald’s, he went to a grocery store where a thin ugly anorexic skeletal female was leaving the store with her IQ challenged boyfriend.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Goatee shouted as he beheaded the creature and engaged in his third strike designed to piss off a militant Islamist terrorist umpire.

“And death to the morons who fuck them,” Goatee sounded like he was auditioning for a Martin Scorsese remake of an old Film Noir movie as he beheaded the IQ challenged boyfriend.

Later when he was leaving the grocery store with bottles of Coca-Cola, he encountered another thin ugly anorexic skeletal female and her low IQ boyfriend.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar!” Goatee shouted as he beheaded the Weight Watchers’ after picture from Hell moments before getting a text message from ISIS Islamic State’s lawyer saying he was being sued for Copyright violations.

Goatee then beheaded the ugly creature’s low IQ boyfriend while shouting, “And death to the morons who fuck them!” in a line surely designed to land him an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor at the Academy Awards.

. . .

The Byzantine Vampiress Theodora was in Kiev Ukraine where tomorrow the Unification Council of the Autocephalous Ukrainian Orthodox Church of Kiev would be held to elect a Primate for the Church.

The Council would be held at Saint Sophie’s Church Cathedral in Kiev.

Theodora was contemplating the warning of Vasilij Gritsak the head of the SBU (Security Service of Ukraine) that the ecclesiastical conflict between Constantinople and Moscow in Ukraine would lead to the outbreak of war and a Vladimir Putin ordered Russian Armed Forces full scale military invasion of Ukraine.

Theodora would side with the Ukrainians against Putin.

For Theodora had offered to make Putin the new restored Byzantine Emperor with his capital at Constantinople.

But Putin had turned her down.

Choosing instead to form an alliance with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the future Sultan and Caliph of a revised Ottoman Empire) and Iran against the State of Israel.

Ironically enough, Israel was being supported by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman who was being advised by the ghosts of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin and the bloody murderous Scottish queen Lady MacBeth as well as the demon Baphomet (who was the patron demon of Sodom and Gomorrah) and the Egyptian god Osiris to rebuild Solomon’s Temple in Jerusalem.

The Byzantine Vampiress Theodora on a moonlit night in Kiev.


  1. George F. said,

    OMFG! There’s so much hysterical satire in here I don’t know what to laugh at first!! But this….this is something we all want to do: and poured gasoline all over the head of the bozo motorist and his equally bozo passengers..!! They deserve it for ignoring all the flashing lights and warnings!!! LOL!!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Those assholes definitely deserve it all right.

      They ruin everybody’s day by pulling stunts off like that.

  2. George F. said,

    OMFG!! Laughing all night long: that’s why they elected as President Donald Trump a man who has all the characteristics of the insane Roman Emperor Caligula

  3. George F. said,

    OmF! “Aesthetic beauty Akbar…ROFLMAO!! Brilliant!! “Aesthetic beauty Akbar!! As he cuts off her head….lol!!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, if I happened to have had a laser machete on me today, I’d probably be sued by ISIS Islamic State for plagiarism and copyright violations.

      The case would probably be filed in court in Vancouver, British Columbia since those are the sort of potheads who wouldn’t mind hearing such a case.

  4. Best Indian Food Blog said,

    Is it really possible to become a vampire?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I really don’t know.

      There are real vampires- a type of demon who is able to manifest the appearance of a human body and use it to attack humans and take their blood.

      Whether it is possible for this demon-vampire to likewise turn their mortal human victims into vampires and vampiresses, I don’t know,

      Fiction writers like Bram Stoker and gothic novelists have certainly incorporated this idea into their works.

      My own vampire novels have been influenced by the way vampires have been made in Anne Rice’s novels but whether this form of transformation and transmutation takes place in the real world I don’t know.

      • Best Indian Food Blog said,

        Where first vampire born in?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That has sadly been lost in the dark annals of history.

      • George F. said,

        I’ll have you know I met Anne Rice. Back in the day. Back in the day. Oh, to recapture those days…wait a minute! That’s exactly what I’m doing here!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Wow. ❤

        You met Anne Rice? 😍

        I’d love to meet Anne Rice.

        Particularly I’d love to meet Anne Rice where she was wearing a tight skirted black leather full length evening gown in this photo I saw where she was signing autographs for her A. N. Roquelaure series of Sleeping Beauty novels.

      • George F. said,


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        BTW- I posted this chapter before I had the chance to finish the third part with its accompanying photo of the Byzantine vampiress Theodora because the battery on my Samsung Galaxy tablet was about to go dead and I wanted this chapter dated December 14th 2018.

        In fact, 4 of the past 5 nights I’ve had to post blog posts before I actually finished them for much the same reason- I wanted my chapter actually posted on a certain date.

        I didn’t used to have this problem when I had a working iPhone 5 because then I had two accesses to the Internet.

        When one was charging, I could work on the other.

        But now I have water damage on my iPhone 5 due to accidentally spilling water on it a couple of months ago.

        I’ve been banned from using computers in the Calgary Public Library system because I was using their computers to write a blog (something the duo of Gestapo librarians who approached me back in June 2017 informed me was against Calgary Public Library policy although I suspect that it was my blog in particular that was targeted because some government agency somewhere in the world didn’t like what I was writing and Daniel agrees with that assesment).

        Anyways I asked my friends Daniel and also Sherry who lives in Germany to keep an eye out for an inexpensive iPhone 4 or iPhone 5 (since those are the best working iPhones as the iPhone 6 and up are all based on Apple prototypes that were developed after Steve Jobs’ death and therefore totally suck. Another reason why I had Renfield delivering a poisoned apple to Apple CEO Tim Cook. It’s not only the Chinese government that’s being avenged here) and to mail it to me as a Christmas gift since living on a Alberta government Social Services disability pension (due to the combined factors of my clinical depression, my pre-diabetic condition and a severe knee injury (brought about being struck down by a hit and run driver driving in a shopping centre parking lot back on Halloween night in 2010) that prevents me from doing much physical labour) only pays me $797 a month (of which $500 of that goes for rent) and of course to pay for food (and most of the months this year I’ve had to go without food the past 6 or 7 days of the month until I get my new cheque) so I can’t really afford to buy a new smart phone myself.

        Anyways possibly I could ask you to keep an eye out for an inexpensive but still working iPhone 4 or 5 as well and if you find one, you can mail it to me (I’ll message you my address) as a Christmas gift to prevent my having another mental breakdown – this one caused by having only one source of access to the Internet that must be constantly recharged a great deal of the time.

        As I think the only thing that keeps my sanity intact these days is researching and writing an on-line vampire novel geopolitical analysis blog by which I expose the follies and foibles of various governments, various corporations and various organizations throughout the world.

      • George F. said,

        My eye is out!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        My God, when I first read this comment, I thought one of your eyeballs had fallen out when you looked at the pic of Theodora.

        And I thought, my God, what have I done, I’m going to have to be more careful with the photos I select in the future.

        And then after a minute’s consideration, it suddenly hit me, that what you meant was you’d keep your eye out for a reasonably priced but good condition iPhone 4 or 5.

        Thanks, I appreciate that. ☺

      • George F. said,


  5. Atul Depak said,

    haha. That was a lovely read. That delivery by Vietnamese vampiress must have been very quick 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Certainly a lot quicker than the Canada Post mail delivery system in my country that is run by a bunch of marijuana smoking and cannabis inhaling potheads. 😉

      • Atul Depak said,

        Haha. But yet better than many other countries of the world

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I certainly hope so.

  6. David Redpath said,

    Pan Goatee really needs
    to ask for a pay rise.
    Talking of which, according
    to Stormy D., U.S. President
    Donald Trump is also
    challenged. Perhaps, since
    he wouldn’t want to hang out
    with Emmanuel Macron, or
    a bunch of greenies, he could
    be installed as Steward of
    the Bush?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I think Trump would very much enjoy being a Steward of the Bush. 😆

      • David Redpath said,

        A hands on position 🎄

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Which would lead one to nationally enquire where the money went one dark and stormy night.

      • David Redpath said,

        “Unindictable in every way
        I’m unindictable … no matter
        what Robert Mueller may say.”
        – Rat King Mole

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